Our final fantasy fanfiction
Jerry Springer Show –'My girlfriend hates my girlfriend – the final fantasy version'
*start off with only Tifa and Cloud on stage
Jerry: welcome everyone to todays' show on the people who are cheating on each other while trying to save the world.
*crowd: oooooooooooooooooooh
Jerry: here in the studio we have a couple of love birds…
*crowd: awwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Jerry: who are currently undertaking a mission to save the world. Tell me Cloud, how are things going with meteor?
Cloud: well, ummm, actually, all our plans so far to get rid of it have failed…
*crowd: boooooooooooooooooooh!!!!
Cloud *jumps up: hey! You try saving the planet while having a love affiar and a few mental breakdowns in between!
Jerry: Love affair? There's another woman? But isn't Tifa here your girlfriend?
Cloud: well, technically speaking, the one who was the other woman is dead…her name is Aeris and she died trying to save the planet and…
Jerry: Well, we actually have a surprise visitor for you today Cloud!
*cloud looks up startled
Jerry: Send her in!
*Aeris walks in through the surprise visitor door, cloud nearly faints and Tifa jumps up in surprise
crowd*oooohhhhhhhhh, bust – ted!
Tifa: You bitch! We thought you were dead!
Aeris: I was!
Tifa: But…but (*spluttering) this is impossible!
Aeris: That's bullshit! We die all the time in battle and have about a million ways to bring ourselves back to life! (*turns to Cloud) And you, thanks for not even trying to save me you prick!
Crowd: oooohhhhhh, bust-ted again!
Cloud: i…I had no idea…
Aeris: no, you were too busy smoking crack with Yuffie to even notice you had the Revive materia!
Cloud: Smoking crack? No, we were just having sex in the buggy…oops, I mean…uh oh!
Aeris and Tifa: YUFFIE!!!????
Jerry: well we have yet another surprise visitor today, let's meet her!
*yuffie comes through the door, tifa and aeris both lunge for her and they all end up in a brawl. Tifa smiles mischeviously as her limit gauge fills up quickly
Yuffie: hey no fair, you're on hypers!
Tifa: tough shit bitch! Take that!
Cloud: I'm so *&%$#ing embarrassed…
Jerry walks up to the crowd, the bodygaurds are trying to pull the girls apart but Aeris smacks them all over their heads with her staff. Jerry receives a question from an audience member who happens to be Don Corneo
Don Corneo: yeah umm I was just wondering, this is for the blonde chicky?
Jerry: HIS names' Cloud!
Don Corneo: oh yeah, sorry, last time I saw him he was wearing a dress…looked pretty damn hot too…
Cloud: look Don Horny-O, what the fuck is your question?
Don: How much did you pay the little saucy one to sleep with you? I'll double it!
Cloud: Oh Yuffie charges a lot…hey! I mean, she's my little slut so piss off you old pimp!
Yuffie*overhears, picks up her chair and charges at the Don. Meanwhile, Tifa tries to use her limit break against Aeris but Aeris has used Great Gospel on herself and all of Tifa's shots are useless.
Aeris: Ha! There you silicon-boobed cow, take your best shot!
Tifa: You
Aeris*giggling gleefully to herself, but her invinsible defense move in her limit break runs out. Just before Tifa creams her completely, the bodyguards manage to separate them and they all settle down. Meanwhile Yuffie has broken the chair over the Don and is threatening him with a sharp edged leg
Yuffie: Bargain for me again and I'll shove this up your wrinkly little wink!
The don backs off but pinches her arse when she storms off.
Jerry: now let's all settle down and talk this over. Cloud, what do you say to these three women you are currently seeing? Except Aeris, she doesn't really count…
Aeris: What?! You bastard! *Aeris runs off the stage up to Jerry who is trying madly to stumble up the stairs away from her. With his back turned she rams her Wizard Staff straight up his rectum and for the rest of the show he has to walk around with a pole up his arse.
Cloud: ……….
Jerry: Do you…(ouch)……have anything to….(eeeooooooh)…..say to all these people you are cheating on?
Cloud: well actually Jerry, to be honest that's not all of them….
*crowd: oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Jerry: Oh really?
Cloud: Yeah, I kinda had a thing with Elena from the turks while everyone else was fighting monsters in the tunnel under Shinra headquarters, and there was this one time in Costa Del Sol with the tour giude, and then in Bone Village (what an appropriate name THAT turned out to be, hehe, Bone, he), and of course…
Tifa: Shut up! I can't stand it anymore! Cloud, is there anyone you never fucked?
Cloud: …………I don't think so. Hell, even Bugenhagen gave amazing headjobs with all that bobbing up and down…
Tifa, Aeris and Yuffie: BUGENHAGEN?!!!!?
Aeris: isn't he a GUY?
Cloud: what's your point? Hey, you're the one who got me into dressing up like a girl in the first place!
Aeris: That was to save that
Cloud: well anyway, those key items were just waiting there in our invisible luggage, begging to be put on again!
Tifa: oh that's it. I can't believe you! And what about that night under the highwind? Did that mean nothing to you?
Cloud: Highwind? Oh, was that the night you wanted to muck around with authority roles a little, y know, ….wink wink nudge nudge, I'm a little schoolgirl and I've been bad? Y know?
*Tifa blushes bright red and goes shy
*crowd: wwwoooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh!
Tifa: never mind.
Aeris: I have a question for Cloud…
Jerry: go ahead angel, we're listening
Aeris: Cloud, I think I understand your nymphomaniac behaviour now, but tell me one thing…
Cloud: shoot
Aeris: did you ever sleep with…ummm. Sleep with…se…sephiroth?
Cloud: NO! he has a terrible VD! Got it from Hojo I think, they had a rather STRONG father son bond you know….
Yuffie: EEEWWWWWWWWWWW! GROSS, INCEST!!!!
Jerry suddenly goes pale
Jerry: Hojo? A VD? Oh God oh god oh god, how could he not tell me? Oh, that bitch! *jerry runs out of the studio yelling to his assisstant 'get my doctor on the phone, pronto!'
Crowd* eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!
Crowd* JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
A floating message appears above Cloud's head, reading 'learnt enemy skill jerry call'
Cloud: what the fuck…? *uses enemyskill on Tifa sitting next to him, spell works by member being unable to stop calling out 'JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!' until the opponent is dead from frustration and deafness. Soon, Tifa falls dead on the floor unable to stand anymore. Cloud starts looking at her in a funny way, drags her carcas off stage.
Aeris: cloud, where are you going? The show's not over!
Cloud: what? I've never had sex with a dead person before! I like to take advantage of new oppurtunities!
Aeris: New oppurtunities? But cloud, in cosmo canyon you…
Cloud: oh, gi spirits don't count! Besdies, she didn't tell me she was a ghost till afterwards…
*cloud dissapears offstage and soon rather loud moaing sounds can be heard. Soon both Cloud and a living Tifa come walking out. Everyone is shocked to see Tifa alive except Yuffie.
Yuffie: yep, who needs revive materia when you've got a dick like Clouds?
Ende.