Into The Sky - Heero's Grief
(AFTER
THE DEATH OF DUO MAXWELL)
I have
dressed in the white outfit that he had picked out for me during those happier
times. I look around our little place for the last time and left - I could not
come back here anymore. Thinking back to those days, they seem so far away... I
didn't look back as I feel the heat of the fire that has engulfed it. No, there
will not be any coming back.
Now, I
stand in front of the pond, and look into the undisturbed waters for a time.
The outfit had been pure white when I had put it on, but now it was stained
with red and black - with blood and ashes. I feel the tie in my pocket... I had
not even attempted to put it on. He was the one that had always done it for me,
and now, he was gone.
The blood
- it hadn't come off of my hands, I suppose it made sense to me. After all, how
could I take away the blood and destruction? He is not here to do it for me
anymore... I will never hear his laughter anymore, or feel his touch. For a
moment, all I can do is remember. Remember all that he had been to me during
our time together - he had been my only hope, my heart's protector...
I frown
a little, and can't help wondering why Duo had chosen white for me. There is
nothing of innocence in me- at least, not anymore. He had been the last vestige
of such a thing for me, and now... now he is gone. He is gone, and I am alone
here, with no one to guard my soul for me - is that why I feel this pain that I
should not fear? I am not injured, after all...
What
can I do? I walk away from the pond and stand in front of where I had buried
what had remained of Duo's body. It is an unmarked site, but I had chosen a
memorable spot. I found it easily- after all, how could I really forget? I had
put his body between two trees twined together - I think he would have liked
that. I hope he will be happy here, in the peace of the forest.
I look
at the roses that I had gotten for his grave, and lay them where he will lie
forevermore... They are pure white and beautiful, a fitting flower to place
upon his grave. I kneel at the grave, and try to do what normal people do. What
do you do, when you are sorrowful at a death? Pray, cry - lose control... but I
have never mourned before.
Instead,
I started a fire - small, but fitting for my purpose. I gaze into it for a
moment, and it mesmerizes. Fire - a familiar thing to me. I have used it as a
weapon for too long, and now, it has taken my only joy away. I should have
expected it - after all, we are soldiers, disposable weapons. It's just that I
expected to die first. He was the one who loved life so fiercely- it should
have been me. It should have been me.
I shook
my head, trying to get that his last scream out of my mind, but it rings there,
clear and pained. Why is it that his last words keep replaying in my head?
::Heero,
get out of here while you can! Shit-I'm stuck and down:. Sorry friend but… ::
::Don't
worry about me! Finish the mission for me………… ::
::NNOOOO!!
DUO!::
He had
done as I had always tried to do, for the same reasons... why was he dead? Why
am I still here? I kneel in front of the fire, in front of his grave, felt
tears... for some strange reason, I am glad that I can cry. Maybe, for a
moment, I need not to be the thing that I am cursing now- how can I be Death, and
hate it at the same time?
I take
out the lock of hair, my remembrance of him. It is soft and brown, slightly
curled. I put it to my face, and then took it away - it still smells of him.
This was the last thing I have of him... the only thing. I stare at it for a
moment, and it seems like I could hear his laughter... almost. But never
again...
I took
out my knife, and cut off a lock of my hair as well. Putting them together, I
tie them with the cord I had taken from his braid so long ago. But it doesn't
feel right... I reach into my pocket, and feel the black tie I had left there.
I can't help but to smile a little as I pull out the tie, and use that to bind
the two locks together as well. I see the hairs intertwining, becoming one...
I stare
into the fire once more, and gently toss the hairs into the center of the
flame. They catch immediately, and disappear into the smoke, into the sky. I
wait until the fire has consumed all of it - the tie and the cord as well, and
then bid goodbye to him, to our life together. I bid farewell to the Heero that
his love had created.
I look
once more into the pond, as I get ready to leave. A bitter smile is on my face
as I see my tear-streaked face. This should teach me not to get involved with
anyone. After all, what am I? Death, destruction - a perfect soldier... that is
all I am. There can be no room for love, for happiness, until after my mission
if fulfilled. Now, the soldier is all.
I sigh,
and turn back to the grave with its still-smoldering flame. It is too bad that
my mission cannot be completed. Being a perfect soldier does not mean that
failure will not happen. Now, it doesn't matter to me whether I succeeded or
failed. I will try, to go beyond my capabilities, risking all, and one day,
that will kill me. I will fail, and then I will join you, Duo. Mayhap we will
meet again when I die - could we fly up into the sky with the flames…
together?……once again?……