Title: Confessions
Series: Changed 7/?
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs to Joss, ME, and lots of other people and corporate entities. No profit is made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Distribution: Fanfiction.net All list archives. If anyone else wants it, take it. Please let me know where it's going.
Feedback: Please, I need the stuff. It's like air and water, I have to have it.
"Thanks Cordy, I just needed to hear, everything would be okay with her." Xander sounds relieved after his long conversation with Cordelia.
"Things will be fine, Xander. Anya loves you. I don't think anything will ever change that. You'll both have some adjustments to make, but it'll be alright. Oh by the way, she told me she was eager to find out, just how much stamina a vampire has." Cordelia ends this conversation on a light note. Knowing that will reassure Xander as much as anything. She gets up and gives him a hug before adding. "Now, I think I need to have a little chat with my employer." Cordelia walks out of the Kitchen into the Living room where Spike, Angel and Willow are chatting. "Angel, I'd like to talk with you before I go back to Anya's place." Cordelia's voice is firm. She is not taking no for an answer.
"Delia, it's late, why don't we talk tomorrow." Angel is made more than a little nervous by that tone.
"No can do, tomorrow, I'm taking Willow out for girl talk and shopping. We are talking tonight. Come on your turn, into the kitchen we go. And again, no snooping." Cordelia walks over and takes Angel's hand leading him across the room.
Willow and Spike are both amused at the site of Cordelia dragging a reluctant Angel behind her. They laugh, but Willow promises, "We won't listen Cordy. When did we make the shopping plans." "We haven't yet, but we will." Cordelia says just before shutting the door separating the kitchen from the more open living and dining areas. Willow, Spike and Xander settle into their own nightly conversations, while Cordelia interrogates Angel in the next room.
"What is going on around here? Since when are the two of you both in love with Willow? When did this happen and why didn't anyone tell me about it?" Cordelia is bursting with curiosity. She knows that there is something going on, she wants answers.
"I really don't have any idea what you're talking about Cordelia." Angel answers in his dry tone, hoping she will just drop the issue.
"Oh yeah right. Trust me when I say this, I am the queen of monitoring gossip. Or I was in high school anyway. Do you know how that happens. You have to be able to walk into a room and pick up on the tensions there. When I walked into this house, the sexual tension was so thick, I thought I might choke on it. And given the testosterone displays you and Spike were having over Willow that has to be at least part of it. Now spill." Angel has the feeling there is no way he's going to get out of having this conversation. He knows it's pointless to even try.
Still he can't resist one last attempt, "Delia, I really don't think this is any of your business. It concerns Spike, Willow and I. If you have any questions about it, I would recommend you direct them to Willow." He hopes maybe she'll take him up on that offer.
"Please, like that would do any good. I like the girl, but she has no earthly clue that there are two delicious men practically fighting over her. But don't worry Willow will get her own set of questions tomorrow. Tonight you will answer mine. And don't tell me it's none of my business, because if it involves the possibility of you and smoochies, that makes it my business. Remember that we don't want Soulless you running around again." Cordelia is being even more sarcastic than usual, hoping to cut off any more attempts at evasion. "Okay it's obvious you aren't cooperating with the list of questions here. Let's go one at a time. Are you in love with Willow?" She's going to start with the big guns. See if she can make him admit it.
"I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, I love Buffy, we said that was forever. But Willow, she has so much fire, energy inside her. And she understand me Cordelia. No one has ever understood like that." Angel answers her sincerely. He's tired of avoiding it. Delia will drag it out of him eventually anyway, so he might as well cooperate.
"Okay that's a start anyway. Angel, you do realize that just because you said what you had with Buffy was forever, doesn't necessarily make it true. It wasn't for her. She moved on. the only reason you didn't do the same was the curse. It's alright to move on from a relationship that can't go anywhere." Cordelia's voice was gentle. She knew that Angel was still sensitive about Buffy, probably always would be.
"No, I love her Cordelia. I have to." Angel's voice was strong. He believed what he said, but the I have to, still came out sounding almost bitter.
"Okay, well then, let's move on. What was up with the big mach guy display with Spike? And don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about. He growled at you Angel." "I know. Spike is in love with Willow. I hugged her, he's possessive." stay with simple answers here and maybe she'll let it drop.
"Uh huh, and you waited until he growled to let her go, because?" Cordelia wasn't buying it, not at all. "He's my childe Cordelia, I will not have Spike thinking he can order me around, decide my life. Besides, Willow doesn't belong to him." Angel sounded almost angry.
"Okay then, now remember what I said about sexual tension. It was thick Angel, and I don't think it was all directed at Willow, want to tell me about it?"
"No, I do not."
"But you're going to anyway, right. Otherwise, I'll just have to go out there and ask Spike." Cordelia, was playing dirty and she knew it.
"Okay, fine. You will not talk to Spike about this at all. Promise me that and I'll answer whatever you want." If she was going to play it that way, Angel would have to make some rules.
"I don't know, Spike's side of things will probably be very interesting. And he'll tell me everything, I'm sure." Cordelia was bluffing. She had no intention of asking Spike. She knew what his reactions would be. She also knew she'd never know how much of what he said was true, and how much was made up for shock value. Angel knew that too.
"No, those are the rules Cordy. I'll talk, if you promise to never speak about any of this to Spike. Take it or leave it." He was calling her bluff.
"Done" Ultimately just getting some answers from Angel was all Cordelia really wanted. "Okay, tell me about the relationship between a sire and his childe. I won't freak out, I promise"
"Cordelia, it's not simple, and it's not the same for every sire and childe. Darla was my sire, at first I was her toy, her plaything, sexually as well as in every other since. But, I was stronger than Darla, and we switched roles early on. I sired Penn first, he was a puritan, literally. Even the demon didn't drive that all away, so anything with Penn was a show of dominance, proof that he was mine. Dru was next, she was different, I cared for her. I was gentle with her, most of the time. God this sounds bad, but I never hurt her unless she wanted me too. But it was still a matter of her sire, being dominant over her. Dru sired Spike, but he was always more my Childe than he was hers. Immediately after he was turned he began to nurture Dru. She was like a childe to him, but he was always so caring, so gentle. No, Spike was my childe, and usually that same need to dominate dictated my actions, my treatment of him, but we were more than that also. He was my favorite and he was my equal. He allowed me to dominate, because I told him such was the nature of things, but that's what it was, permission. He worshipped me, and I loved him. He was the only thing that Angelus was ever able to love. Our relationship wasn't typical sire/childe, but it wasn't that different either." Angel had agreed to this, so he would do it. He would answer her questions, and not hold anything back. If she heard things she didn't want to know about, that was her own fault.
"Okay, that was intense. So, to recap here, you and blondie out there had a very definitely sexual relationship when you were Angelus. You loved him then. Do you love him now?" Cordelia spoke matter of factly. She hadn't expected quite so much information from the normally reticent Angel. "Do I love him now?
"He's a demon Cordelia. He doesn't have a soul. I love Buffy." Angel is frantically trying to avoid this question.
"None of which answers the question Angel. You're a demon, okay so you have your soul, but you've already said that Spike can love. And get off the I love Buffy thing. I didn't buy it with Willow, I'm still not buying it." Cordelia kept pushing.
"I don't know what difference it makes. He hates me, and I deserve that. Fine, you want to know. I've always loved Spike. It's quite possibly the one thing my demon and my soul are in perfect agreement on. Only my soul handles it differently, happy now." Angel answer was bitter. He truly believed that Spike hated him, despite the reassuring words Willow had spoken when they had a surprisingly similar conversation. Cordelia was silent for just a moment,
"No, no Angel I'm not happy. This thing with Spike hurts you, so hearing about it does not make me happy. But I think you're wrong. He's hurt too. And remember he doesn't have a soul, he thinks to forgive is a sign of weakness. Talk to him Angel. Okay, I've asked enough questions for one night. Tomorrow Willow gets her fair share." Cordelia's voice started out soft, sympathetic. By the time she had reached the end of her statement though she had regained her usual flippant tone. Putting Angel at ease.
"Cordelia, thank you. It needed to be said." Angel was quiet, not sure even in his own mind, just what he was thanking her for. Cordelia gave a small sigh, "Angel, you just make everything so hard on yourself. Talking about things does help you know. Goodnight." Cordelia got up and walked out of the kitchen. "Hey Wills, Chinese tomorrow, we need to talk girl." With that she was off, out of the house on her way back to Anya's home.
Across town another conversation and confession took place. After leaving Willow and Anya at the cafe earlier that day, Buffy had wandered aimlessly. She didn't quite know what to do or where to go. Just after sunset she found herself standing outside of Giles' door. Somehow, she knew this had been her destination all along, she just couldn't admit it to herself. She knocked on the door.
It was early evening. Giles was not expecting anybody. But there was most assuredly a gentle knocking at his door. Giles went to see who it was. When he opened the door, he found a sobbing Buffy on the other side. He quickly pulled her to him and shut the door. "What is it Buffy, what's wrong?" The small girl in his arms was crying uncontrollably now. Giles knew he'd have to get her to calm down, before he could have his answers. He gently maneuvered her to the couch and sat down gathering her into his arms, stroking her back and hair, murmuring comforting words to her. After a time, she calmed and pulled back, just a bit.
"I'm sorry Giles. I didn't mean to fall apart like that" Buffy's voice was shaky with emotion.
"Shh, it's okay Buffy. You can always come to me, no matter what the situation, now do you want to tell me what's wrong." Giles' voice was gentle. He didn't want to pry but felt like Buffy needed to talk to someone. It wasn't like her to break down completely like this.
"It's just everything is so mixed up right now. Xander, I couldn't save him. I should have been able to save him. I should have been the one there. Instead Spike turned him, and now he's afraid of me. Xander's afraid of me Giles. And I've been so scared. I know I've hurt them all, I didn't mean to, but I'm just so scared. And I'm alone. Riley's gone, and everyone has someone, but I'm alone. Even Angel, I don't know who or how yet, but I know he's not in love with me anymore, he's moved on and I don't have anyone. I'm scared Giles, I've never been alone before." This all came out in a rush, and Giles was having trouble keeping up with her train of thought. He pulled her back into his embrace and held her till she was once again quiet.
"Buffy, nothing that's happened in these last weeks is your fault. If it weren't for you Xander would have never survived high school. His present situation may not be ideal, but he's here with us still. He will come back to you Buffy, just give him a little time, I know it's hard. Nobody will blame you for being afraid Buffy. You're not alone. You'll never be alone. Even if you didn't have the rest of them, you'd always have me Buffy. Please remember that." Giles tried to address all of her concerns in the most gentle way possible.
Buffy was exhausted, her pain, anger, and sorrow having sapped all of her energy. Giles had been there for her tonight, and in her heart she knew he would be there for her forever. She wasn't alone, and never would be. She settled into his arms and fell asleep.
Giles sat there wondering what to do with the sleeping girl in his arms. Finally he made up his mind, standing and lifting her in one easy movement. It still amazed him that such a tiny girl could have as much power as she did. Giles carried her upstairs and placed her gently on his bed, pulling the blankets up around her. He gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead before leaving the room, saying softly, "I'll always be here for you, Buffy. I love you."
Series: Changed 7/?
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs to Joss, ME, and lots of other people and corporate entities. No profit is made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Distribution: Fanfiction.net All list archives. If anyone else wants it, take it. Please let me know where it's going.
Feedback: Please, I need the stuff. It's like air and water, I have to have it.
"Thanks Cordy, I just needed to hear, everything would be okay with her." Xander sounds relieved after his long conversation with Cordelia.
"Things will be fine, Xander. Anya loves you. I don't think anything will ever change that. You'll both have some adjustments to make, but it'll be alright. Oh by the way, she told me she was eager to find out, just how much stamina a vampire has." Cordelia ends this conversation on a light note. Knowing that will reassure Xander as much as anything. She gets up and gives him a hug before adding. "Now, I think I need to have a little chat with my employer." Cordelia walks out of the Kitchen into the Living room where Spike, Angel and Willow are chatting. "Angel, I'd like to talk with you before I go back to Anya's place." Cordelia's voice is firm. She is not taking no for an answer.
"Delia, it's late, why don't we talk tomorrow." Angel is made more than a little nervous by that tone.
"No can do, tomorrow, I'm taking Willow out for girl talk and shopping. We are talking tonight. Come on your turn, into the kitchen we go. And again, no snooping." Cordelia walks over and takes Angel's hand leading him across the room.
Willow and Spike are both amused at the site of Cordelia dragging a reluctant Angel behind her. They laugh, but Willow promises, "We won't listen Cordy. When did we make the shopping plans." "We haven't yet, but we will." Cordelia says just before shutting the door separating the kitchen from the more open living and dining areas. Willow, Spike and Xander settle into their own nightly conversations, while Cordelia interrogates Angel in the next room.
"What is going on around here? Since when are the two of you both in love with Willow? When did this happen and why didn't anyone tell me about it?" Cordelia is bursting with curiosity. She knows that there is something going on, she wants answers.
"I really don't have any idea what you're talking about Cordelia." Angel answers in his dry tone, hoping she will just drop the issue.
"Oh yeah right. Trust me when I say this, I am the queen of monitoring gossip. Or I was in high school anyway. Do you know how that happens. You have to be able to walk into a room and pick up on the tensions there. When I walked into this house, the sexual tension was so thick, I thought I might choke on it. And given the testosterone displays you and Spike were having over Willow that has to be at least part of it. Now spill." Angel has the feeling there is no way he's going to get out of having this conversation. He knows it's pointless to even try.
Still he can't resist one last attempt, "Delia, I really don't think this is any of your business. It concerns Spike, Willow and I. If you have any questions about it, I would recommend you direct them to Willow." He hopes maybe she'll take him up on that offer.
"Please, like that would do any good. I like the girl, but she has no earthly clue that there are two delicious men practically fighting over her. But don't worry Willow will get her own set of questions tomorrow. Tonight you will answer mine. And don't tell me it's none of my business, because if it involves the possibility of you and smoochies, that makes it my business. Remember that we don't want Soulless you running around again." Cordelia is being even more sarcastic than usual, hoping to cut off any more attempts at evasion. "Okay it's obvious you aren't cooperating with the list of questions here. Let's go one at a time. Are you in love with Willow?" She's going to start with the big guns. See if she can make him admit it.
"I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, I love Buffy, we said that was forever. But Willow, she has so much fire, energy inside her. And she understand me Cordelia. No one has ever understood like that." Angel answers her sincerely. He's tired of avoiding it. Delia will drag it out of him eventually anyway, so he might as well cooperate.
"Okay that's a start anyway. Angel, you do realize that just because you said what you had with Buffy was forever, doesn't necessarily make it true. It wasn't for her. She moved on. the only reason you didn't do the same was the curse. It's alright to move on from a relationship that can't go anywhere." Cordelia's voice was gentle. She knew that Angel was still sensitive about Buffy, probably always would be.
"No, I love her Cordelia. I have to." Angel's voice was strong. He believed what he said, but the I have to, still came out sounding almost bitter.
"Okay, well then, let's move on. What was up with the big mach guy display with Spike? And don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about. He growled at you Angel." "I know. Spike is in love with Willow. I hugged her, he's possessive." stay with simple answers here and maybe she'll let it drop.
"Uh huh, and you waited until he growled to let her go, because?" Cordelia wasn't buying it, not at all. "He's my childe Cordelia, I will not have Spike thinking he can order me around, decide my life. Besides, Willow doesn't belong to him." Angel sounded almost angry.
"Okay then, now remember what I said about sexual tension. It was thick Angel, and I don't think it was all directed at Willow, want to tell me about it?"
"No, I do not."
"But you're going to anyway, right. Otherwise, I'll just have to go out there and ask Spike." Cordelia, was playing dirty and she knew it.
"Okay, fine. You will not talk to Spike about this at all. Promise me that and I'll answer whatever you want." If she was going to play it that way, Angel would have to make some rules.
"I don't know, Spike's side of things will probably be very interesting. And he'll tell me everything, I'm sure." Cordelia was bluffing. She had no intention of asking Spike. She knew what his reactions would be. She also knew she'd never know how much of what he said was true, and how much was made up for shock value. Angel knew that too.
"No, those are the rules Cordy. I'll talk, if you promise to never speak about any of this to Spike. Take it or leave it." He was calling her bluff.
"Done" Ultimately just getting some answers from Angel was all Cordelia really wanted. "Okay, tell me about the relationship between a sire and his childe. I won't freak out, I promise"
"Cordelia, it's not simple, and it's not the same for every sire and childe. Darla was my sire, at first I was her toy, her plaything, sexually as well as in every other since. But, I was stronger than Darla, and we switched roles early on. I sired Penn first, he was a puritan, literally. Even the demon didn't drive that all away, so anything with Penn was a show of dominance, proof that he was mine. Dru was next, she was different, I cared for her. I was gentle with her, most of the time. God this sounds bad, but I never hurt her unless she wanted me too. But it was still a matter of her sire, being dominant over her. Dru sired Spike, but he was always more my Childe than he was hers. Immediately after he was turned he began to nurture Dru. She was like a childe to him, but he was always so caring, so gentle. No, Spike was my childe, and usually that same need to dominate dictated my actions, my treatment of him, but we were more than that also. He was my favorite and he was my equal. He allowed me to dominate, because I told him such was the nature of things, but that's what it was, permission. He worshipped me, and I loved him. He was the only thing that Angelus was ever able to love. Our relationship wasn't typical sire/childe, but it wasn't that different either." Angel had agreed to this, so he would do it. He would answer her questions, and not hold anything back. If she heard things she didn't want to know about, that was her own fault.
"Okay, that was intense. So, to recap here, you and blondie out there had a very definitely sexual relationship when you were Angelus. You loved him then. Do you love him now?" Cordelia spoke matter of factly. She hadn't expected quite so much information from the normally reticent Angel. "Do I love him now?
"He's a demon Cordelia. He doesn't have a soul. I love Buffy." Angel is frantically trying to avoid this question.
"None of which answers the question Angel. You're a demon, okay so you have your soul, but you've already said that Spike can love. And get off the I love Buffy thing. I didn't buy it with Willow, I'm still not buying it." Cordelia kept pushing.
"I don't know what difference it makes. He hates me, and I deserve that. Fine, you want to know. I've always loved Spike. It's quite possibly the one thing my demon and my soul are in perfect agreement on. Only my soul handles it differently, happy now." Angel answer was bitter. He truly believed that Spike hated him, despite the reassuring words Willow had spoken when they had a surprisingly similar conversation. Cordelia was silent for just a moment,
"No, no Angel I'm not happy. This thing with Spike hurts you, so hearing about it does not make me happy. But I think you're wrong. He's hurt too. And remember he doesn't have a soul, he thinks to forgive is a sign of weakness. Talk to him Angel. Okay, I've asked enough questions for one night. Tomorrow Willow gets her fair share." Cordelia's voice started out soft, sympathetic. By the time she had reached the end of her statement though she had regained her usual flippant tone. Putting Angel at ease.
"Cordelia, thank you. It needed to be said." Angel was quiet, not sure even in his own mind, just what he was thanking her for. Cordelia gave a small sigh, "Angel, you just make everything so hard on yourself. Talking about things does help you know. Goodnight." Cordelia got up and walked out of the kitchen. "Hey Wills, Chinese tomorrow, we need to talk girl." With that she was off, out of the house on her way back to Anya's home.
Across town another conversation and confession took place. After leaving Willow and Anya at the cafe earlier that day, Buffy had wandered aimlessly. She didn't quite know what to do or where to go. Just after sunset she found herself standing outside of Giles' door. Somehow, she knew this had been her destination all along, she just couldn't admit it to herself. She knocked on the door.
It was early evening. Giles was not expecting anybody. But there was most assuredly a gentle knocking at his door. Giles went to see who it was. When he opened the door, he found a sobbing Buffy on the other side. He quickly pulled her to him and shut the door. "What is it Buffy, what's wrong?" The small girl in his arms was crying uncontrollably now. Giles knew he'd have to get her to calm down, before he could have his answers. He gently maneuvered her to the couch and sat down gathering her into his arms, stroking her back and hair, murmuring comforting words to her. After a time, she calmed and pulled back, just a bit.
"I'm sorry Giles. I didn't mean to fall apart like that" Buffy's voice was shaky with emotion.
"Shh, it's okay Buffy. You can always come to me, no matter what the situation, now do you want to tell me what's wrong." Giles' voice was gentle. He didn't want to pry but felt like Buffy needed to talk to someone. It wasn't like her to break down completely like this.
"It's just everything is so mixed up right now. Xander, I couldn't save him. I should have been able to save him. I should have been the one there. Instead Spike turned him, and now he's afraid of me. Xander's afraid of me Giles. And I've been so scared. I know I've hurt them all, I didn't mean to, but I'm just so scared. And I'm alone. Riley's gone, and everyone has someone, but I'm alone. Even Angel, I don't know who or how yet, but I know he's not in love with me anymore, he's moved on and I don't have anyone. I'm scared Giles, I've never been alone before." This all came out in a rush, and Giles was having trouble keeping up with her train of thought. He pulled her back into his embrace and held her till she was once again quiet.
"Buffy, nothing that's happened in these last weeks is your fault. If it weren't for you Xander would have never survived high school. His present situation may not be ideal, but he's here with us still. He will come back to you Buffy, just give him a little time, I know it's hard. Nobody will blame you for being afraid Buffy. You're not alone. You'll never be alone. Even if you didn't have the rest of them, you'd always have me Buffy. Please remember that." Giles tried to address all of her concerns in the most gentle way possible.
Buffy was exhausted, her pain, anger, and sorrow having sapped all of her energy. Giles had been there for her tonight, and in her heart she knew he would be there for her forever. She wasn't alone, and never would be. She settled into his arms and fell asleep.
Giles sat there wondering what to do with the sleeping girl in his arms. Finally he made up his mind, standing and lifting her in one easy movement. It still amazed him that such a tiny girl could have as much power as she did. Giles carried her upstairs and placed her gently on his bed, pulling the blankets up around her. He gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead before leaving the room, saying softly, "I'll always be here for you, Buffy. I love you."