WWF Dating Game
By
HardyGrrl
Hosted By:
Joel Gertner
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin (Steve Williams)
Single Girl:
Lita (Amy Dumas)
Bachelors:
Essa Rios (Jose Seidano)
Edge and Christian (Adam Copeland and Jay Reso)
Eddy Guerrero (Eduardo Guerrero)
(The show opens and all of the bachelors are hanging out behind the wall as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin escorts Lita to her seat. Joel Gertner looks at Lita and seductively grins.)
Joel Gertner
Welcome to The Dating Game! I am your host for this evening, Joel, "the one who the ladies call Fred Flintstone because I make their bed rock..." Gertner. So, introduce yourself...
Lita
My name is Amy and I'm 24.
Edge
Dude, she sounds like a hot chick!
Christian
I know!! (whispers) Hey Edge, try and sneak a peek at her...
(Edge stands on the stool and looks over the wall. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin is glaring at him.)
Steve Austin
No, you weren't about to take a peek at this young lady over here. Now, were you?
Edge
Uh... no.
Steve Austin
That's what I thought. Now, sit down, dumbass.
(Stone Cold pushes Edge's face back and Edge tumbles over with the stool onto the ground.)
Edge
Dude, that was like so totally reeked of heinousity!
Christian
Dude, I know! He's such a reekazoid!
Joel Gertner
Now, I'll introduce you to your bachelors... bachelors number one: They are 27 and work for the WWF. They "so totally rock" and are five time World Wrestling Federation Champions.
Lita (groans)
Oh no...
Joel Gertner
Bachelor number two: He likes Taco Bell and makes $1000 a year. You may have seen him on WWF Jakked late one Saturday night. He enjoys... this is in Spanish, so I have no clue what it says.
Lita
Essa?
Essa
Amy?
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin
Hush up back there before I have to come kick your ass!
Joel Gertner
And bachelor number three: He enjoys pleasing all the "mommies" and riding around in his low rider. He is one badass dude that you do not want to mess with.
Steve Austin
Are you ready to begin?
Joel Gertner
Why settle with these losers when you can have... me?
Edge
Whatever, Gertner! She's my chick!
Christian
Dude!
Edge
OUR chick...
Joel Gertner
Okay. So, sexy, ask your questions...
Lita
Okay, Bachelor Number three, what would you do to impress me?
Eddy Guerrero
First, I'd give you some flowers and seat you in my Low Rider. I'd tell you how fine you looked and... how fine I looked. I'd take you over to Taco Bell and pick up on some chicks... yeah, ese!
Lita
Um... okay. Bachelor Number one, same question.
Christian
Well, of course we'd take you out on the town, because you are a full-on scorch cake!
Edge
Yeah, we'd take you out to dinner and show you the town. We'd give you a night that four-toothed dorkchops wished they could give you!
Christian
Yeah! It will so totally reek!
Lita
All right. Bachelor Number two, my mom died, how would you help me get over the tragic incident?
Essa Rios
Um...
Edge
Yo, El Dorkchop. Answer el questiono.
Essa Rios
Que??
Christian
Dude! I think he just insulted our mom!
Edge
Yeah... mi hijo! Porque donde les estrailles!
Christian
Huh?
Essa Rios
Que??
Edge
Yeah! Por favor!
Christian
That's right! You tell 'em, dude!
Steve Austin
Look, do I have to come back there and kick your ass?
Edge
No... but El Dorkchop has a problem with you. What's that, Jose? OH NO! He just said that The Rock was better than Austin!!
Essa Rios
Non! Non!
Edge
Si! Si!
Steve Austin
I don't give a damn what that little mosquito said. Now, if you don't keep quiet, I'm gonna have to kick your ass in front of all these people. Can you give me a "hell yeah"?
Edge
Uh... no.
Joel Gertner
On with the show.
Lita
Okay, Bachelor Number Three: I was on a date with you, and we saw my ex-boyfriend. What would you do to him?
Eddy Guerrero
I'd say, "Hey! What are you doin' dissin' a fine woman like 'dis? She's ma' mami! So, you better go off before I kick your skinny gringo ass, ese!"
Lita (confused)
Okay. Bachelor Number Two: I love a man who speaks Spanish, do your best impersonation of Antonio Banderas.
Essa Rios
Te amo.
Christian
Hey! What about us??
Edge
Dude! I so totally think she's racist! She picks Mexicans and not Canadians!
Christian
REALLY!
Steve Austin
What did I say back there??
Edge (points to Essa Rios)
It was Essa.
Lita (sighs)
Okay... Bachelor Number One: what would you during our first time in bed?
Edge
Well, I'd take you into the bedroom and show you why I reek of total awesomeness!!
Christian
Yeah! Me too!
Edge
Whatever, man. You're on your own. She's mine now.
Christian
Nuh-uh! She's mine!
Edge
Whatever, Dorkvader.
Christian
Shut up, barfoid!
Steve Austin
That's it! Another fight out of you two and I'm gonna have to stun both of your asses!
Lita
Okay. Bachelor Number three, what would you do if you caught me cheating on you?
Eddy Guerrero
I'd beat you up and say, "Mami! What's wrong with you??" and I'd make sure you knew who the man was!
Lita
Um... okay. I think I've made my choice.
Joel Gertner
Good, I'm glad... because I'm ready to go on that cruise too.
Lita
I choose Bachelor Number One.
Edge
DUDE! I won!
Christian!
We won!
(Edge and Christian tackle each other down to the ground. They run, while beating each other up to see their "woman". They look up and see Lita, grinning.)
Lita
Hey boys.
Edge
OH GOD NO!!!!
Christian
This must be a nightmare!!!
Edge
Uh, dude... you can have her.
Christian
No way, you were originally bachelor number one! I was just along for the ride!!
Edge
Whatever!
(Matt Hardy comes out from the side and sees Lita. He looks around, clueless.)
Matt Hardy
Lita?
Lita (shocked)
Matt?
Matt Hardy
What are you doing on The Dating Game? I thought you were my girlfriend...
Lita
I am, but... Matt, I-
(Edge and Christian see an opportune time to leave, but Lita pulls them back.)
Matt Hardy
Lita, I thought you loved me!
Lita
I'm sorry, but I was lying to you...
Matt Hardy
What??
Lita
I have a crush on... Edge...
Edge
WHAT?!?!?!?!
(Lita pulls Edge towards her puckered up lips. Edge squirms and tries desperately to break free.)
Edge
Help!! Get this heinous reek-a-zoid off of me!!! Christian!! Dude!
(Christian laughs as Edge struggles in Lita's arms.)
Matt Hardy
You bastard! That's my woman!
Edge
You can have her!!
Lita
Matt! No! I don't want you fighting him! I also have a crush on... Christian...
Christian
No way!!
(Lita pulls Christian into her arms and kisses him deeply. Christian pushes her away and spits repeatedly.)
Christian
Gross!!
Edge
Man! We're so totally not going to be in anymore of HardyGrrl's stories if she keeps on being a reek-a-zoid like this!
(Edge and Christian walk off.)
Lita
Edge! Christian! Wait!!
Edge
Dude. No. Stay. Eww...
Christian
And to think, man, YOU wanted her.
Edge
Whatever... you were the one who called her "a full-on scorch cake"...
Christian
No, I was talking about myself.
Edge
Whatever.
Christian
This show sucks...
Edge
Really.
(They walk up to the camera and take out a black magic marker. They look at each other and shake their heads 'no'.)
Edge
This show is so totally not worthy of our black magic marker-tudiness.
Christian
For real.
(Lita laughs as they walk off. Joel Gertner follows her as Matt Hardy pouts alone.)
Lita (laughs)
I don't like them... what a bunch of losers.
Joel Gertner
Uh, hey there... Lita. You know I am the one who has the tickets to go on the cruise...
Lita
And?
Joel Gertner
Do you want them?
Lita
Yeah. I came all the way out here for this dumb show.
Joel Gertner
Well, there's one thing you have to do for them...
Lita
Uh...
Joel Gertner (grins)
Get your bags together... because you're going on the Gertner Cruise of Love!!
Lita
Eww... I think I'll pass.
Joel Gertner
Come on, Lita! Let me put my bread in your basket!
(Lita walks off as Joel Gertner pulls out a black magic marker of his own. He writes on the camera screen "Lita wants me...")
(The show fades to the backstage area. Dean Malenko is awaiting for Lita to leave. He lays across her car and has a bouquet of flowers.)
Lita
Oh boy... the roadkill is on the hood of the car instead of under the tire. What luck.
Dean Malenko
Come on, baby. I heard you had no luck in the Dating Game... that's because I wasn't a contestant. Well, here I am... and I'm ready to give you the satisfaction that Matt never could. Come over here, baby... Let's make love on your car hood.
Lita
Actually, Dean... my car is over (points) there...
Dean Malenko
You're just pulling my leg. I like a woman like that.
Lita
Actually, Dean, I'm not... MY car is that black Sentra over there...
Dean Malenko
Well, then, who's car is this?
("Stone Cold" Steve Austin comes outside and gets mad.)
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin
What the hell are you doing on top of my car???
(Dean Malenko panics and jumps off the car. He holds his hands out, backing up to get Austin away.)
Dean Malenko
Look, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to cause any trouble, Steve.
Steve Austin
Well, what the hell were you doing on my car??
Dean Malenko
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was your car.
Steve Austin
It says right on the license plate "AD4EVER" - Austin and Debra forever.
Dean Malenko
I thought it was "Amy and Dean forever"... I'm sorry.
Steve Austin
Hey, Dean, how fast do you run?
Dean Malenko
Um... pretty fast.
Steve Austin
80 miles per hour??
Dean Malenko
Uh...
(Steve Austin steps in his car and starts up the engine.)
Steve Austin
You've got a three second head-start.
Dean Malenko
Look, Steve. I didn't mean any harm...
(Steve Austin sighs and gets out the car. He holds out his hand to shake Dean's in forgiveness.)
Steve Austin
You're right, Dean. You're forgiven.
Dean Malenko
You mean it? Because I didn't mean any harm.
Steve Austin
Yeah, I mean it.
(Austin smiles and holds out his hand. Dean holds out his hand to shake it, but Austin flips Dean off and gives him a Stunner.)
Steve Austin
Stay away from my car, dumbass.
Lita
Told ya' it wasn't my car...
(The show ends as Austin drives off.)
By
HardyGrrl
Hosted By:
Joel Gertner
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin (Steve Williams)
Single Girl:
Lita (Amy Dumas)
Bachelors:
Essa Rios (Jose Seidano)
Edge and Christian (Adam Copeland and Jay Reso)
Eddy Guerrero (Eduardo Guerrero)
(The show opens and all of the bachelors are hanging out behind the wall as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin escorts Lita to her seat. Joel Gertner looks at Lita and seductively grins.)
Joel Gertner
Welcome to The Dating Game! I am your host for this evening, Joel, "the one who the ladies call Fred Flintstone because I make their bed rock..." Gertner. So, introduce yourself...
Lita
My name is Amy and I'm 24.
Edge
Dude, she sounds like a hot chick!
Christian
I know!! (whispers) Hey Edge, try and sneak a peek at her...
(Edge stands on the stool and looks over the wall. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin is glaring at him.)
Steve Austin
No, you weren't about to take a peek at this young lady over here. Now, were you?
Edge
Uh... no.
Steve Austin
That's what I thought. Now, sit down, dumbass.
(Stone Cold pushes Edge's face back and Edge tumbles over with the stool onto the ground.)
Edge
Dude, that was like so totally reeked of heinousity!
Christian
Dude, I know! He's such a reekazoid!
Joel Gertner
Now, I'll introduce you to your bachelors... bachelors number one: They are 27 and work for the WWF. They "so totally rock" and are five time World Wrestling Federation Champions.
Lita (groans)
Oh no...
Joel Gertner
Bachelor number two: He likes Taco Bell and makes $1000 a year. You may have seen him on WWF Jakked late one Saturday night. He enjoys... this is in Spanish, so I have no clue what it says.
Lita
Essa?
Essa
Amy?
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin
Hush up back there before I have to come kick your ass!
Joel Gertner
And bachelor number three: He enjoys pleasing all the "mommies" and riding around in his low rider. He is one badass dude that you do not want to mess with.
Steve Austin
Are you ready to begin?
Joel Gertner
Why settle with these losers when you can have... me?
Edge
Whatever, Gertner! She's my chick!
Christian
Dude!
Edge
OUR chick...
Joel Gertner
Okay. So, sexy, ask your questions...
Lita
Okay, Bachelor Number three, what would you do to impress me?
Eddy Guerrero
First, I'd give you some flowers and seat you in my Low Rider. I'd tell you how fine you looked and... how fine I looked. I'd take you over to Taco Bell and pick up on some chicks... yeah, ese!
Lita
Um... okay. Bachelor Number one, same question.
Christian
Well, of course we'd take you out on the town, because you are a full-on scorch cake!
Edge
Yeah, we'd take you out to dinner and show you the town. We'd give you a night that four-toothed dorkchops wished they could give you!
Christian
Yeah! It will so totally reek!
Lita
All right. Bachelor Number two, my mom died, how would you help me get over the tragic incident?
Essa Rios
Um...
Edge
Yo, El Dorkchop. Answer el questiono.
Essa Rios
Que??
Christian
Dude! I think he just insulted our mom!
Edge
Yeah... mi hijo! Porque donde les estrailles!
Christian
Huh?
Essa Rios
Que??
Edge
Yeah! Por favor!
Christian
That's right! You tell 'em, dude!
Steve Austin
Look, do I have to come back there and kick your ass?
Edge
No... but El Dorkchop has a problem with you. What's that, Jose? OH NO! He just said that The Rock was better than Austin!!
Essa Rios
Non! Non!
Edge
Si! Si!
Steve Austin
I don't give a damn what that little mosquito said. Now, if you don't keep quiet, I'm gonna have to kick your ass in front of all these people. Can you give me a "hell yeah"?
Edge
Uh... no.
Joel Gertner
On with the show.
Lita
Okay, Bachelor Number Three: I was on a date with you, and we saw my ex-boyfriend. What would you do to him?
Eddy Guerrero
I'd say, "Hey! What are you doin' dissin' a fine woman like 'dis? She's ma' mami! So, you better go off before I kick your skinny gringo ass, ese!"
Lita (confused)
Okay. Bachelor Number Two: I love a man who speaks Spanish, do your best impersonation of Antonio Banderas.
Essa Rios
Te amo.
Christian
Hey! What about us??
Edge
Dude! I so totally think she's racist! She picks Mexicans and not Canadians!
Christian
REALLY!
Steve Austin
What did I say back there??
Edge (points to Essa Rios)
It was Essa.
Lita (sighs)
Okay... Bachelor Number One: what would you during our first time in bed?
Edge
Well, I'd take you into the bedroom and show you why I reek of total awesomeness!!
Christian
Yeah! Me too!
Edge
Whatever, man. You're on your own. She's mine now.
Christian
Nuh-uh! She's mine!
Edge
Whatever, Dorkvader.
Christian
Shut up, barfoid!
Steve Austin
That's it! Another fight out of you two and I'm gonna have to stun both of your asses!
Lita
Okay. Bachelor Number three, what would you do if you caught me cheating on you?
Eddy Guerrero
I'd beat you up and say, "Mami! What's wrong with you??" and I'd make sure you knew who the man was!
Lita
Um... okay. I think I've made my choice.
Joel Gertner
Good, I'm glad... because I'm ready to go on that cruise too.
Lita
I choose Bachelor Number One.
Edge
DUDE! I won!
Christian!
We won!
(Edge and Christian tackle each other down to the ground. They run, while beating each other up to see their "woman". They look up and see Lita, grinning.)
Lita
Hey boys.
Edge
OH GOD NO!!!!
Christian
This must be a nightmare!!!
Edge
Uh, dude... you can have her.
Christian
No way, you were originally bachelor number one! I was just along for the ride!!
Edge
Whatever!
(Matt Hardy comes out from the side and sees Lita. He looks around, clueless.)
Matt Hardy
Lita?
Lita (shocked)
Matt?
Matt Hardy
What are you doing on The Dating Game? I thought you were my girlfriend...
Lita
I am, but... Matt, I-
(Edge and Christian see an opportune time to leave, but Lita pulls them back.)
Matt Hardy
Lita, I thought you loved me!
Lita
I'm sorry, but I was lying to you...
Matt Hardy
What??
Lita
I have a crush on... Edge...
Edge
WHAT?!?!?!?!
(Lita pulls Edge towards her puckered up lips. Edge squirms and tries desperately to break free.)
Edge
Help!! Get this heinous reek-a-zoid off of me!!! Christian!! Dude!
(Christian laughs as Edge struggles in Lita's arms.)
Matt Hardy
You bastard! That's my woman!
Edge
You can have her!!
Lita
Matt! No! I don't want you fighting him! I also have a crush on... Christian...
Christian
No way!!
(Lita pulls Christian into her arms and kisses him deeply. Christian pushes her away and spits repeatedly.)
Christian
Gross!!
Edge
Man! We're so totally not going to be in anymore of HardyGrrl's stories if she keeps on being a reek-a-zoid like this!
(Edge and Christian walk off.)
Lita
Edge! Christian! Wait!!
Edge
Dude. No. Stay. Eww...
Christian
And to think, man, YOU wanted her.
Edge
Whatever... you were the one who called her "a full-on scorch cake"...
Christian
No, I was talking about myself.
Edge
Whatever.
Christian
This show sucks...
Edge
Really.
(They walk up to the camera and take out a black magic marker. They look at each other and shake their heads 'no'.)
Edge
This show is so totally not worthy of our black magic marker-tudiness.
Christian
For real.
(Lita laughs as they walk off. Joel Gertner follows her as Matt Hardy pouts alone.)
Lita (laughs)
I don't like them... what a bunch of losers.
Joel Gertner
Uh, hey there... Lita. You know I am the one who has the tickets to go on the cruise...
Lita
And?
Joel Gertner
Do you want them?
Lita
Yeah. I came all the way out here for this dumb show.
Joel Gertner
Well, there's one thing you have to do for them...
Lita
Uh...
Joel Gertner (grins)
Get your bags together... because you're going on the Gertner Cruise of Love!!
Lita
Eww... I think I'll pass.
Joel Gertner
Come on, Lita! Let me put my bread in your basket!
(Lita walks off as Joel Gertner pulls out a black magic marker of his own. He writes on the camera screen "Lita wants me...")
(The show fades to the backstage area. Dean Malenko is awaiting for Lita to leave. He lays across her car and has a bouquet of flowers.)
Lita
Oh boy... the roadkill is on the hood of the car instead of under the tire. What luck.
Dean Malenko
Come on, baby. I heard you had no luck in the Dating Game... that's because I wasn't a contestant. Well, here I am... and I'm ready to give you the satisfaction that Matt never could. Come over here, baby... Let's make love on your car hood.
Lita
Actually, Dean... my car is over (points) there...
Dean Malenko
You're just pulling my leg. I like a woman like that.
Lita
Actually, Dean, I'm not... MY car is that black Sentra over there...
Dean Malenko
Well, then, who's car is this?
("Stone Cold" Steve Austin comes outside and gets mad.)
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin
What the hell are you doing on top of my car???
(Dean Malenko panics and jumps off the car. He holds his hands out, backing up to get Austin away.)
Dean Malenko
Look, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to cause any trouble, Steve.
Steve Austin
Well, what the hell were you doing on my car??
Dean Malenko
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was your car.
Steve Austin
It says right on the license plate "AD4EVER" - Austin and Debra forever.
Dean Malenko
I thought it was "Amy and Dean forever"... I'm sorry.
Steve Austin
Hey, Dean, how fast do you run?
Dean Malenko
Um... pretty fast.
Steve Austin
80 miles per hour??
Dean Malenko
Uh...
(Steve Austin steps in his car and starts up the engine.)
Steve Austin
You've got a three second head-start.
Dean Malenko
Look, Steve. I didn't mean any harm...
(Steve Austin sighs and gets out the car. He holds out his hand to shake Dean's in forgiveness.)
Steve Austin
You're right, Dean. You're forgiven.
Dean Malenko
You mean it? Because I didn't mean any harm.
Steve Austin
Yeah, I mean it.
(Austin smiles and holds out his hand. Dean holds out his hand to shake it, but Austin flips Dean off and gives him a Stunner.)
Steve Austin
Stay away from my car, dumbass.
Lita
Told ya' it wasn't my car...
(The show ends as Austin drives off.)