ZECHS' COLONY II
AKA YOU DIDN'T LEARN YOUR LESSON—DON'T GIVE CRAZY MEN
DRIED WHEAT!
The year is After Colony
198. Just when you thought all was well
in the Earth Sphere Unified Nation, one man cannot find his colony… again. He will talk to insane priestesses,
dinosaurs and desk lamps to find out where it is… and so, our story, sadly,
begins anew…
"Off my colony!"
This sounds familiar. Thought Shini, and then responded, "this is L2! This ain't your colony!"
Zechs looked confused, then wandered away. Shini's hand was on her phone in no time, but before she could dial Noin called her name.
"Shini! He ate the wheat again!"
Surprised, Shini turned, lost her hold on the phone, and Noin received the full force of a Nokia to the head.
What…. AGAIN?
"Where'd he go this time?" Noin panted, trying to breathe and relieve her head of some spare plastic bits at the same time.
"He went…" Shini rolled her eyes, "looking for his colony. Again."
"Oh, no." Noin said. "All this because of that damn shipment of wheat."
Noin ran off and Wufei came up.
"I forget my lines. Honor. Justice. Nataku."
"That's okay. We all know that all you do is wonder…"
"Oh, yes! Why has the honorable Zechs gone looking for his colony again?" Grinned Wufei.
Shini shrank back. Wufei with a smile on his face was pretty much enough to make even the bravest soldiers run for cover. "He ate the LSD wheat again. I don't know where he got it from."
"Okay. Nataku." Wufei grinned again, turned on his heel, and marched away.
"Have you seen my colony?" Zechs inquired of the llama.
"Por el segundo tiempo, Señor Pelo, no, no me miro el colonia estupida de usted. ¿Tal vez quiren un poco mas de trigo secarle?" Said the llama.
(For the second time, Mister Hair, I haven't seen your stupid colony. Perhaps you would care for a little more dried wheat?)
Zechs nodded. "Of course."
Noin stomped in an angry circle around Shini.
"DAMN HIM! HE ATE MORE DRIED WHEAT!"
"I thought we already knew that and weren't going to be upset over it." Mused Shini.
Noin tried to pick up Shini by the front of her vest. It didn't work because a) Shini was taller than Noin, and b) Shini was 150 pounds of Eternal, and you didn't jerk people like that around unless you were 151 pounds of Eternal. "You try and explain this to Relena. You track him all over the damn World Nation! You… you… you…"
Shini rather admired Noin's use of the word 'damn'. She calmly removed Noin's hand from her collar and sighed. "No sweat. Mind if I kill her while I'm at it?"
Noin's expression went blank. "WHY IN HELL DID I ASK YOU FOR HELP?!"
Shini shrugged. "I'm a Duo fan. I'm not especially fond of Relena and you know it."
Noin shook her head. "Okay, tell you what…"
"Excuse me. I was wondering if you could help me look for my colony."
The gas station man looked up. "Do you need a map?"
"That would be helpful."
"Are you sure you're lost?"
"I am very lost. I cannot find my colony."
Now, let it be known that this was a different gas station with a different gas station attendant. The gas station the drugged Zechs had visited before had been twenty minutes down the right road to Relena's mansion; this gas station was twenty minutes down the left road.
"You're on Earth, sonny."
"I need to find my colony."
"The colonies are in outer space."
"How do I get to outer space? Do you have a map?"
The attendant examined Zechs' face. "Do you have a name?"
"I'm not entirely sure. I think my name is Chang Kushrenada. You may call me Rashid." Zechs paused. "I can't find my colony. It is beginning to bother me."
It was just then that something the attendant's father had told him a month ago clicked into his head: if Millarido Peacecraft comes in looking like he's drugged, tell his sister.
"Twenty minutes down the road to right. You'll come across a big shiny building. Ask for Relena."
"Who is Relena?"
"Your sister."
"Which one? I have twenty-nine."
"What's your name, son?"
Zechs thought for a minute. "My name… is Quarte Mariemaea Yuy."
"I thought so. Go see Relena."
Noin and Shini were still arguing over who was going to call Relena this time.
"I did it last time!" Noin protested.
"I'm not a Gundam Wing character in the first place!" Shini shouted.
Noin pointed her gun at Shini.
Shini raised an energy ball to Noin's face.
"Maybe we shouldn't call her."
"Maybe we shouldn't."
On his way to Relena's mansion, Zechs stepped into a puddle. It wasn't a very big puddle, but that doesn't matter since it was The Puddle. Shini had been wandering around to do various silly but rather important to the flow of the Elements in time things, and so she had accidentally left one of her portals open.
Now, everyone knows that people who use the Water Element generally make their marks rather wet and watery.
Puddles are very wet and very watery.
Zechs found himself looking at a velocaraptor. It looked as if it was going to chew his head off. Which, of course, it was, but only after it had ripped him apart with it's talons.
"Hi. Have you seen my colony?"
The dinosaur made some sort of very mean growling noise.
"Did I come at a bad time? Maybe you could tell me where Relena is. She knows where my colony is."
The raptor roared.
"I'm sorry. Are you having a bad day?"
Shini's eyes widened. The miko suddenly grew very animated and jumped up and down, shouting, "I forgot to close it!!!!"
Noin woke up from a sound sleep and said, "What?"
"I FORGOT TO CLOSE MY TIME PORTAL!!!!!!!!!!!"
"What's so special about that?" Noin asked.
It was Shini's turn to grab Noin by the shirt. She was able to lift Noin off the ground. "…because…the portal… was… ON THE ROAD TO RELENA'S PLACE!!!!!!!!!!! AND ZECHS JUST FELL THROUGH IT!!!!!!!!!"
Noin jumped to her feet. "Dammit, Shini!"
"I'll be RIGHT BACK!" Shini's form rippled and disappeared. Noin looked around, sighed, and went back to sleep. "I guess there's no use worrying about it…"
Shini materialized somewhere in the Jurassic era to find Zechs hugging a velocaraptor and saying, "there, there. I understand. Life is just like that sometimes. Okay?"
The miko stood there.
"Here. When you want to hide you just put on this mask, okay?"
The dinosaur nodded miserably.
"There you go, then."
Shini shook her head, pointed at Zechs and began one of her famous chants.
Out of sight, Zechs landed in a muddy patch of dirt outside Relena's mansion.
Zechs, now dirty, smelling of dinosaur and obviously high on dried wheat, consulted Relena's desk lamp.
"Do you know where my colony is?"
The desk lamp sat there.
"Are you sure?"
The desk lamp sat there.
"Really?"
The desk lamp sat there.
"Millairdo. For the second time over, you belong to nation of Peacecraft, and you do not have a colony!" Relena yelled.
Zechs blinked.
"Hi, Relena." He turned around and patted her on the head on the way out.
Behind him, Relena screamed, first in anger and then in realization he had dropped mud into her hair.
Noin and Shini were still arguing when the phone rang. Shini picked it up, and held it away from her hair immediately. Covering the receiver with her hand, she whispered, "it's for you."
Noin took it and put up with Relena bashing her for a few minutes.
"WHAT
HAPPENED? MY BROTHER WALKED IN COVERED
IN DIRT AND HE WAS INQUIRING OF MY DESK LAMP WHERE HIS COLONY WAS! IF THIS HAPPENS ONE MORE TIME I WILL CUT
PEACECRAFT FUNDING TO THE TERRAFORMING PROJECT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?"
Noin grimaced. "Yes, Miss Relena. I will certainly be sure to tell your brother not to… eat… dried
wheat…" Noin punched the 'end' button.
Zechs waved. "Hey, Noin. That next shipment of wheat is coming in at
five. Are you ready?"
Noin stared at him. "No. Are you?"
He gave her one of those 'what?'
looks. "Noin… what's the matter?"
Okay, okay I
apologize that that one wasn't as good as the first. But it's leading up to another (wild cheering) which is gonna be real funny, I promise!! To be
continued in…
ZECHS' COLONY III
AKA WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE A CRAZY MAN DRIED WHEAT
AND A BEAM CANON!