Response to Challenge 3 at 6dstargate
Things to be included
- A member of SG1 must have a part time job outside the SGC
- A character, possibly one of the major characters, but also possibly one of the bit players who appear in one episode then are never seen again, lets face it that's far more interesting don't you think, must perform a musical number. This can be by any artist except for Tom Jones :)
- Teal'c must display an interest and/or talent in one of the following areas
- Ballet
- Gymnastics
- Taxidermy
- Macramé
- Arson
- There must be a minor (no more than one paragraph) crossover with one of the following shows:
- The Drew Carey Show
- Seven Days
- ER
- Jonathon Creek
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- Are You Being Served
- Someone must call out, in these exact words "Phonecall for Mr Horrible!"
- And finally, no X-Files references!
Author: Kernel Jack
Email: kernel.j@startrekmail.com
Approx Length: 3637 words (11 pages) (though 299 of those words are a song typed out, so you don't really have to read that bit)
Category: Humour/challenge response
Rating: U
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM, World Gekko Corp., and Double Secret Productions, alas they are not my own. This story is just a piece of nonsense created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it, how I could make money is beyond me, who'd pay to read it? No copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Please don't sue/prosecute, I have no money anyway so it won't do you much good. Copyrighted © Kernel Jack 2000. All rights reserved. Do not post this anywhere without my consent.
Season/Sequel: None.
Summary: SG-1 go musical.
"Ok then team, put your best foot forward." Jack said as they prepared to depart to P5T-3P5
There was a brief pause.
"Teal'c. What are you doing?"
Teal'c looked up from examining his feet.
"I am attempting to ascertain which is my best foot Colonel O'Neill. My right foot is point two three centimetres longer than my left foot. Now this might be considered advantageous as it confers greater stability, however the smaller left foot might be better because of its ability to fit into slightly smaller spaces. It is indeed difficult to decide which foot I should therefore put forwards." Teal'c knew exactly what O'Neill had meant, one of his favourite hobbies was deliberately misunderstanding the Tau'ri, particularly Jack. It had not taken him long to grasp their expressions and habits, but forcing them to explain was so much more fun.
"Oh for Crying out loud Teal'c."
Behind Jack's back as he spoke, Daniel surreptitiously entered a tally mark in the notebook he carried.
"Look, just walk, OK." Jack continued.
"You have changed your mind?"
"No, I haven't changed my mind, I didn't mean you to literally put your best foot forward, it's an expression, it means to start well."
"You use a great many expressions Colonel O'Neill. Would it not be simpler and cause less confusion if you said what you meant?"
"He's got a point." Daniel helped.
"A point, where do I have a point? I thought I had quite a smooth head."
"See, it's not so easy is it Daniel, I swear he's doing it intentionally to drive me nuts."
"I am unable to drive Colonel O'Neill, I do not possess a driving licence."
"See!!!!"
Teal'c's facial expression was unaltered, however internally he was finding the situation hilarious. Jaffas were renowned for their ability to conceal their emotions, and Teal'c was a champion amongst Jaffa. Of course he could laugh out loud when he chose, although being unpractised at this he tended to go over the top.
The location was dialled, but something went wrong, and the wormhole didn't open. The technician's went and had a look at the gate, they determined that the power supply wasn't reaching the gate properly. It would take a few days to fix the problem, so General Hammond told everyone to spend the next few days making sure mission reports were sorted, and then just having some down time. Sg-1 separated and went to make sure their paperwork was in order.
As the footsteps approached his doorway Teal'c hurriedly stowed the singed papers in his cupboard, and positioned himself amongst his candles adopting the appearance of being in a state of Kel'no'reem.
Jack knocked and entered without waiting for a response. He paused as he saw the Jaffa engaged in Kel'no'reem.
"Oh, er, you're busy. I guess I could come back later."
"You have already disturbed the process Colonel O'Neill, you may continue."
"Yeah, er sorry about that, I just wanted to tell you that while we're all on down time SG-2 decided to organise a show, each team is supposed to come up with a couple of performance items, so get your thinking cap on."
"I do not believe that I am in possession of such a piece of clothing Colonel O'Neill. Perhaps you could assist me in obtaining one."
"No Teal'c, it's an expression, it just means think up some ideas." Jack was beginning to become quite exasperated by Teal'c's incessant refusal to understand. You'd think he'd pick these phrases up or something, he'd been on Earth quite a while now.
"I see, I will endeavour to produce an idea for the performance."
"Thank you Teal'c, I'll be off now, you can get back to your Kel'no'reem thingy. When you've finished come find us, we're having a planning meeting. Ok, See you later."
"Goodbye O'Neill." As the door closed behind him Teal'c lit more candles and watched the flickering flames. He loved the way they dance and play. He removed the pile of papers from their hidey hole and continued to burn them, he held individual papers over the flames and watched as the fire consumed all in it's path. Fire, it is a living thing he thought, it breathes oxygen, it needs food to sustain it.
At first, burning things had been a way to get rid of unwanted documents, he didn't like having things lying around making a mess, and a fire quickly removed them. However now, he was feeding the fire, he was acquiring items specifically so he could burn them, and paper wasn't enough. He liked to try new things, see how different things burn. He was beginning to become discontented burning small things, he wanted to move up in the world. Buildings, they have lots of things in that burn. His greatest ambition was to burn all of the buildings of the Goa'uld, one day he would defeat Apophis, and on that day he would set fire to his mighty palaces, oh yes. The flames would begin slowly then take hold, it would be like a wild animal. That would be great, like snickers guaranteed to satisfy.
Teal'c absently waved a piece of paper through one of the nearby flames as he pondered how he could commit arson here without anyone knowing, I mean just small unimportant things, he could burn them couldn't he? Teal'c smiled, blew out the candles and went to join the rest of SG-1.
"I am worried about a lot of the personnel General Hammond. Some of them are showing severe levels of stress." Janet explained to him.
"I know, that's why I arranged for the Stargate to be "broken" for a few days, hopefully with this show I persuaded SG-2 to organise they will all have a chance to express themselves a little and have a break from the stresses they're under."
"Yes, it is a good idea, I just hope that's all it takes, when stress advances this far there can be severe health problems."
"My men are strong Dr. They'll be fine." General Hammond reassured her, and went back to his office, crossing his fingers that he was correct.
"So have any of you thought what we could do for this show?" Jack asked the team that were convened to plan their act.
"I don't see why we have to make this such a military operation, I mean you're organising strategy meetings, it's just supposed to be fun." Daniel objected.
"Oh, no, this is not fun, this is a challenge. SG-2 said they realised that we wouldn't be able to come up with anything anywhere near their standard, but perhaps we could do a little something. I am not having them looking down on us, we are going to cream them."
"Look, I can see you're taking this very seriously, ok, fine, if that's how you want it to go, but don't blame me if we don't do well. I'm just in it for fun."
"Could we engage in the ritual of kre'tech'nor Colonel O'Neill? It is a spectacular form of entertainment where we gather a large number of combustible items and burn them." Teal'c interposed.
"And then what?"
"That is all, we watch them burn, we watch the fire consume them, the flames lick up the mighty body destroying the belongings."
Everyone gave Teal'c rather strange looks, there was an awkward pause, finally Daniel broke it.
"Er, that sounds like a bit of fire risk Teal'c. I was thinking more along the lines of singing something."
"Yes, singing, I agree. But what?" Jack joined in, hasty to get away from Teal'c's plan.
Teal'c ignored the rest of the conversation, he was lost in thought of what might have been if only he could persuade them to let him burn things.
Just then two members of SG-6 came in.
"Look can you settle an argument for us? What are the words to the oo ee bit of the Witch Doctor song?" The woman asked.
"Ooo eee ooo aahh aaah, ting tang walla walla bing bang." Daniel answered.
"Right." The woman said. "Thanks, then."
The two walked out, the woman clearly wasn't happy. "Go, on then, say I told you so. I know that's what you're thinking." They heard her say to the man as she left.
"Weird. Anyway back to what we were going to do. How about the Macarena?" Daniel broke the silence left after their interruption.
"Look, can't we do something sensible, maybe something that doesn't make us look like total idiots?"
"I think that's against the rules Jack."
"Oh, I see, well in that case why not just do something out of Grease?"
"Nah, SG-6 is doing "Summer Loving" and I think that SG-3 is doing "Greased Lightning"."
"Well, we'll just have to come up with something better then won't we."
"We could be the Spice girls. Teal'c could be Scary spice, Daniel can be Baby Spice. I'll be Sporty Spice."
"Leaving me as Posh Spice?! I think not."
"Ok, you be Sporty, I'll be Posh."
"Thank you. Hang on, no, that's not the point. I don't want to be the Spice girls. 3 of us are men."
"Ok, then you guys pick something, I don't care, I'll do whatever you want."
Jack and Daniel then got into a heated discussion in which they both said they hated any bands the other liked.
"Can any of you actually sing anyway?"
"Er, I can carry a tune, kind of." Daniel muttered.
"Great, that sounds really hopeful, Sam?"
"Only in the shower. What about you anyway Colonel?"
"Oh, I can sing."
"You can?"
"Why do you sound so surprised?"
"I don't know, I just don't picture you as a singer."
"I was in a band in my younger days."
"Really?"
"Yes, would you stop being so surprised, I can sing, ok."
"Ok, sorry, I believe you. Oh, I have to go, or I'll be late, sorry guys." Sam apologised and grabbed her coat.
"Where are you going Sam?"
"Erm, it doesn't matter, just out, I have to go, bye. See you."
"She's being a bit cagey isn't she?" Jack said as she left.
"Yeah, and she's been running off somewhere quite a lot recently."
"What do you reckon she's doing?"
"I have no idea, maybe she's got a secret boyfriend or something."
"Maybe she's a spy. We could follow her, see where she's gone."
"Isn't that invading her privacy?"
"Not if she doesn't see us."
"Hmm, I'm not sure."
"Come, on I'm going, you coming or staying?"
"Well, if you're going I'd better come to keep you out of trouble. Teal'c, you coming?"
"I do not believe that it would be ethical to spy on Captain Carter, Daniel Jackson."
"It's not spying Teal'c, it's looking after her safety. We don't want anything to happen to her while she's out alone. Do we Daniel?"
"No, that's right, we don't."
"In that case I will accompany you. I will fetch my staff weapon."
"I don't think you need that Teal'c."
"If I am to protect Captain Carter would a weapon not aid me."
"Not this time, no, just bring you, that'll be plenty. Now come on, we gotta hustle, people."
They followed Sam trying to keep close enough to see where she was going without her seeing them in her rear view mirror. She finally stopped at a radio station. She went in.
"What now? Do we follow her in?"
"Then she'll definitely know we've been following her, but if we don't go in we won't know what she's doing."
"What can she be doing in there anyway?"
"I don't know. We could wait a while to give her time to get away from the reception, then go in."
"What if she's still in reception?"
"I didn't think of that. Well, we could sneak and peer, maybe she won't see us."
"She'll kill us if she finds out we followed her."
"Yes, but can you bear to get this close and then not find out what she's doing?"
"No, I guess not."
"Ok, then, we'll sneak."
The three made a pretty conspicuous commando team, but they entered the building checking that Sam was not in view. They couldn't see her anywhere, so they walked up to reception and asked if Samantha Carter was there.
"I'm afraid she can't see you right now, she's on the air."
"Oh, I see. Ok, then thanks."
"Would you like me to tell her you popped by."
"Er, no, thanks, in fact just forget we were here, ok."
Just then the phone rang, the receptionist answered it and patched it through to one of the other rooms.
"Phone call for Mr Horrible." She said as she did so.
"Excuse me?" Jack said.
"One of the DJ's, he's really obnoxious, gets on everyone's nerves."
"I see, well we'll be off now, thanks for the help."
In the car Jack began to drive, and tuned the radio in to the station. Finally he managed to get Carter's voice. She appeared to be presenting a show called something like "Mass Retrack."
She finished speaking and a song came on. Jack seemed to know the words and started singing along, apparently to demonstrate his singing ability.
"#You know he's not the kind of man
#who likes to see the world around him
#crumble to a ball around his feet.
#So he's always ready, he's always set, he's always well prepared,
#He's the most peculiar man you'd care to meet.
#You know he's not the king of Bedside manor..."
The song finished and Carter's voice came back on the air.
"That was "The King of Bedside Manor" by The BareNaked Ladies.", and now it's time for the contest."
Carter continued, but the people in the car started having a conversation over the top of the show.
"The bands' voices were very deep for ladies Colonel O'Neill, and why do they not wear any clothes?"
"No, Teal'c, that's just the name, they're men really, and they wear clothes."
"So why are they called Barenaked ladies?"
"Band names are never sensible Teal'c, sometimes I think they try to come up with more obscure ones, often they have a meaning just not necessarily what you might think."
"I see." Teal'c said in the voice he knew held just the right amount of puzzlement at what was clearly rather strange.
"So, our lovely Carter is a DJ in her spare time. Sweet."
"It certainly looks that way." Daniel said, and when he thought Jack wasn't looking he entered a tally mark in the second column of a table in his notebook.
"Hey, I saw that, ok, hand it over."
"What?"
"The notebook."
"What are you talking about Jack?"
"Don't play innocent with me, I keep seeing you write something down after I speak."
"I really don't know what you mean Jack." Daniel said trying to avoid Jack's gaze.
"Yeah, Daniel, I hope you never need to lie for any reason, cos you're really bad at it. One of the worst liars I've ever known." Jack pulled the car over and holding Daniel's arms back with one arm pulled his notebook from his pocket and opened it. "What is this?"
"Nothing."
"This is not nothing. It has two columns, one says For Crying out loud at the top, and one says Sweet. Then there are tally marks down the page. 67. You've got to be kidding me, I have not said For Crying out loud 67 times. When? How long have you been doing this?"
"Two weeks."
"No way, you're making this up, that's ridiculous. And 84 repetitions of Sweet, that's impossible."
"It's true Jack, I noticed you said them a lot, so I thought I'd keep count to see if I was imagining it."
"Teal'c is this true?"
"I concur with Daniel Jackson's count Colonel O'Neill."
"Sweet."
"See, you did it again."
"When?"
"Just then."
"Ok, I will try to stop being so bad, but please, stop keeping a tally, it makes me feel nervous, like I'm back at school or something with the teacher marking me."
"Ok, I'll stop. Really we should be listening to Carter."
"Yeah, about that, I thought there was some sort of rule about working a second job. Particularly one that puts you in the public eye."
"It's hardly the public eye though is it, it's a very small radio station, and she doesn't use her real name, plus it's not like she's giving away classified information, she's just playing some songs and talking about nothing important."
"Yeah, I guess so.
"Do we confront her with this then?" Daniel asked.
"And let her know we followed her? Are you insane?"
"Good point, ok, we won't do that, we'll just leave it then."
Later that evening Sam returned to base, she went to join the rest of SG-1 where they were sitting eating.
"So, have a good nose round the radio station?" She enquired.
"er, wh what?" Daniel spluttered.
"Well, you didn't really think the receptionist wouldn't tell me three suspicious characters came looking for me and told her not to tell me they'd been did you?"
"Oh, I guess not."
"So, what did you think?"
"Well, it wasn't bad, the lamp in the corner added a certain ambience to the room."
"Not the building, the show you idiot."
"Oh, of course, sorry, yeah, it was quite good."
"Quite good? That's all you have to say."
"No, it was really good, great music, and everything. To be honest we didn't hear much of it."
"Why not?"
"Well we kind of got into an argument and missed most of it."
"I see, so how much did you hear."
"Well, a song."
"And the contest."
"Yeah, well, some of it anyway, we heard a bit at the end too."
"Honestly anyone would think you two were a couple of kindergarteners."
"It's not my fault, he started it."
"Really Daniel. No, clearly I was wrong, you're not at all like kindergarteners."
"Anyway did you guys ever come up with something for us to perform?"
"Oh, yes, we did actually."
"You did?" Sam was pretty amazed.
"Yeah, I mean it took a while, but we all agreed on this."
"Wow, you agreed on something? It's a miracle."
"Thanks Sam. Yeah, ok, anyway we'd better practice, come on, let's go try."
The night of the show.
"Ladieeeeeeeees and Gentlemen the first act of tonight, The amazing, the astounding, SG-1" Was heard over the PA.
"Who's idea was it that we go in numerical order anyway, don't see why we have to go first." Jack muttered to the rest.
"Well, at least it gets it over with." Sam consoled, "Now come on, get on stage."
"Break, a..." pausing and glancing at Teal'c Jack altered what he'd been about to say. "Good luck, guys"
The team appeared on stage and lined up in some kind of formation. The spotlight centred on them, and music started, the team began to sing and dance. Well I say dance, they were kind of making weird arm actions with their hands by their heads, then waving their arms around in a synchronous pattern, and singing:
#"Here I lie in a lost and lonely part of town
Held in time in a world of tears
I slowly drown
Going home
I just can´t make it all alone
I really should be holding you
Holding you
Loving you
Loving you
Tragedy!
When the feelings gone and you can´t go on
It´s tragedy!
When the morning cries and you don´t know why
It´s hard to bear with no one to love you
You´re going nowhere
Oooo ooo
Tragedy!
When you lose control and you´ve got no soul
It´s tragedy!
When the morning cries and you don´t know why
It´s hard to bear with no one to love you
You´re going nowhere
Night and day, there´s a burning down inside of me
Oh burning love
With a yearning that won´t let me be
Down I go and I just can´t take it all alone
I really should be holding you
Holding you
Loving you
Loving you
Tragedy!
When the feelings gone and you can´t go on
It´s tragedy!
When the morning cries and you don´t know why
It´s hard to bear with no one to love you
You´re going nowhere
Ooo ooo
Tragedy!
When you lose control and you´ve got no soul
It´s tragedy!
When the morning cries and you don´t know why
It´s hard to bear with no one to love you
You´re going nowhere
Ooo ooo
Tragedy!
When the feelings gone and you can´t go on
It´s tragedy!
When the morning cries and you don´t know why
It´s hard to bear with no one to love you
You´re going nowhere
Ooo ooo
Tragedy!
When you lose control and you´ve got no soul
It´s tragedy!
When the morning cries and your heart just dies
It´s hard to bear with no one to love you
You´re going nowhere"#
As they continued to sing and dance they put more and more effort into the dance, forgetting how silly they looked, and this made it even better, because the more effort they put in the more silly they looked as they attempted to be co-ordinated and to move their bodies in formation.
The applause was deafening, well ok, not deafening, quite loud though. Everyone really liked it, they were clapping and laughing, and when the other SG teams did their performances none was quite as good as SG-1's though musically the others might have been better, for entertainment value the winner was clearly SG-1.
General Hammond appeared at the end to break up the festivities by announcing that the Stargate was now functioning properly and normal missions would resume the following morning as scheduled.
SG-1 retired for the evening walking off home singing "there ain't no party like an SG party".
The End
Author's note: Do you know how many Steps websites I had to trawl through to try to find the lyrics to Tragedy? Too many. I am not a Steps fan I'm afraid. The one I finally got the lyrics off had not one, not two, but three pages to click enter on so you could get to where the info was. I guess there could have been interesting stuff on some of them, it was German, I don't know, but why have 3 pages to get through? and then I got to the start page which said it had lyrics, but did it tell me where? No, so I have to try clicking hopeful looking links, finally clicking "Look up" put loads more links in the index down the side, why? Why couldn't they have been there all along, why only when you click the 4th down the page? I am paying to be online here. Spending precious minutes at Steps websites. Anyway I finally got the lyrics, not that it really mattered, I could have just put they sang Tragedy, you wouldn't have cared would you? No one would have noticed, probably only about 3 people are actually reading this, anyway. Oh well, I had fun writing it, though not researching Steps.
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