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"In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two."
-Erich Fromm
"Dawson, this is really none of your business." Pacey leaned back against his locker, annoyed. They had already gone over this too many times and he was quite over it. Dawson somehow believed that he'd done something wrong, that he'd consciously and maliciously set out to hurt Andie.
"Pacey. Your girlfriend is hysterical. She came barreling into the lunchroom, practically mowed down half of the football team and collapsed on Jack, hysterical. What were you thinking?" His voice was raised further than Pacey could stand. He felt the vein in his neck begin to throb and the blood rush to his face as he heard his own voice boom decibels over that of his friend.
"She's not my girlfriend!!!" he yelled.
Checking himself, he quickly lowered his tone. Their argument had already attracted too much attention in the crowded hallway. Pacey cringed visibly.
"Are you getting any of this? I broke up with Andie, she is not my girlfriend. My relationship with her is finished, and I'm through discussing this with you."
"I never thought of you as the type of person who would be so fickle and so hard-hearted, but maybe I don't know you as well as I thought." It was a low blow. Dawson stood shaking his head at Pacey, who was seriously considering just walking away from this argument. "What made it acceptable for you to be all over Abby Morgan right in front of Andie? I just don't understand, Pacey. She loves you."
She'll get over it, was the first thought that went through his mind, but he kept it to himself. Evidently, the story of Andie walking in on he and Abby had been slightly stretched as it made it's way through the school. It wasn't surprising, really. The small-town gossip mill relished working overtime.
"Y'know... You can make up your own story, or you can believe what you hear in the halls, or whatever you want; but until you're ready to listen to me without this judgmental bull, I'm not going to waste my breath." He closed his locker with a gentle click and walked a few feet before stopping and turning back. "Dawson? Think about this for a minute... we've been friends for most of our lives, aren't friends supposed to support each other?"
Pacey turned and continued through the hall and out of the school looking dead forward. he didn't care to see who had been around for this little episode, enough of his life had been made public today. Stepping out of the building he inhaled the fresh air deeply and sighed.
Sitting on the stairs, he brought his hands to his temples and tried to rub away what was progressively turning into a blinding headache. Avoiding Andie hadn't merely been a bad idea, it had clearly been one of the stupidest things he could have done. He had only succeeded in making things worse for both of them. He knew that now, but all of this was trial and error, and would probably always be. There wasn't any "Breaking up for Dummies" book he could refer to when things got too complicated.
Thinking about Dawson got him even more pissed. Here was a guy who was supposed to be his best friend, and he was being so insensitive and unsupportive, without having the whole story. Didn't he realize that this wasn't easy for him either? Dumping Andie had been difficult enough, and just when he's thought that the fates had him slated for loneliness and misery, they handed him Abby. It wasn't the most apparent or natural pairing, but somehow they really fit together.
He should have been able to talk about this with Dawson. He had expected to, wanted to, couldn't wait to; but Dawson had his own ideas about what everyone's life was supposed to be like. Clearly, he'd written the script, and the great director was throwing a tantrum when Pacey wasn't aware of his lines.
She'd seen them arguing, even heard a few lines back and forth, but she didn't need to have heard anything to know that it had everything to do with her. Pacey's friends all detested her, and they had every right to, it wasn't as if she'd done anything to deserve their friendship. Just the opposite, she had actively earned their bad will towards her.
Then again, Pacey had been able to get past all of the nasty things that she had done to him and everyone else, and it wasn't simply because he was attracted to her. It was more than that, way more than that. It had to be, otherwise her internal asshole meter would have kicked in and she wouldn't have let him get this close to her, especially not so soon.
"You must just love this..."
Joey Potter stood over Abby, her voice edged with biting sarcasm and her hands on her hips. Her lips were curled with distaste.
"You're wrong. I'm not enjoying this in the slightest." Abby brought her eyes submissively up to Joey's and locked them there. It was her silent way of trying to relay that she was being genuine, without backing down.
"I don't buy it for a second," Joey said, pursing her lips and raising an eyebrow to her. "I don't know what your motivations are here, but I'd hazard a guess that they aren't completely pure."
"Are you almost finished?"
"Quite." She strode away, leaving Abby sitting alone at a table behind the school. Everything was turning into a disaster, just as they were coming into place.
She hadn't really expected Joey to concern herself with any of this, and it caught her strangely. Sure, she was currently Andie's brother's girlfriend, and she and Pacey and Dawson were longtime friends and all that, but it seemed out of character for her to involve herself in their business right now. What was it that made made all of this such a tremendous interest and an even bigger problem?
"Where is he?" she thought to herself urgently. She had asked if he'd like her to walk with him to work, and he's wanted her to, but with all of the crap that had gone on between he and his friends there was a decent chance that he'd changed his mind. Maybe she wasn't worth the tension she was causing, maybe he'd decided that he was better off without her. Friends were infinitely more important than relationships, and since Abby had neither before, why should it matter now if she was back in the same boat? She would eventually forget what it had been like to have someone close to her for a split second, and she would go back to being exactly who she'd been two days earlier. A little more bitter, but no worse for the wear.
The only kink was that she liked him. She liked him more that she'd ever thought possible, more than she'd ever wanted to allow herself.
She began to walk around the side of the school. He was there, sitting on the front stairs and staring off into space, far enough away that she couldn't get a read on his expression. She didn't want to seem clingy or too needy, or for him to feel like she was invading his space; so she walked straight past him. She pretended that she hadn't seen him, that she wasn't even looking. Ever the triumphant actress.
From the corner of her eye she saw his eyes turn to her, watching her slow gait. His mouth curled into a minute, unsure smile. He picked up his bag and came towards her.
"Ab? Hey... I thought we were walking into town together?"
Abby couldn't help but smile at him, her eyes twinkling. Her bout of self-deprecation had obviously been for naught, at least she hoped that it had.
"Come on... you're gonna be late."
Pacey put his arm around her shoulder and they began to walk slowly in the direction of the video store where he worked.
They were quieter than usual as they went on their way. What usual was, neither of them had any clue, but this wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Neither of them felt a way about it, they were both tired and didn't feel the need to go over what they both knew were problems. In the end, they would have to work it out, Pacey had the most immediate and visible difficulties to work out, but Abby had a whole lot of proving to do is she wanted to earn any of their respect. She would need it, if she and Pacey were going to attempt any sort of a public relationship. Nothing can live in a vacuum.
In Pacey's ideal utopia, no one was giving him any grief over who he wanted to be with and who he didn't. In this alternative world, he didn't have to explain to anyone why he was attracted to Abby or why he starting to really fall for her. In this perfect universe, everything was just easy. In general.
They stopped in front of Screenplay and Pacey checked his watch, still a few minutes before he'd have to don the red vest and go through the motions at work. The sole saving grace was that he didn't have to work beside Dawson tonight. He had the store to himself and could just go it on auto-pilot.
He faced her and peered down into her upturned eyes feeling a rush. It happened every time.
"Some day, huh?" It was the only thing he could think of to say.
Her full lips parted and she opened her mouth to speak, knowing full well that she really didn't have anything. She wanted to reassure him the same way that he did her, to tell him that they had a good chance of making it through all the muck. But, she didn't want to bring it up. Instead, she nodded at him and took a step closer, pulling him closer with one hand on his elbow.
"Tomorrow will be better," she said, stretching up on her tip-toes and landing a soft kiss on his lips. She wiped away left-behind-lipstick with her thumb and let her hand linger on his face for a moment as she dropped back onto her heels.
"Yeah... I'm sure it will be. I'm going to go and talk to her tonight after work, like I should have done before." His eyes looked pained at the thought of that conversation and she winced slightly for him.
"Call me if you want to talk, okay?"
"I'll call you either way," he said, stooping down to kiss her again. When their lips joined and he felt the silk of her hair, it was like the entire planet stopped action and they were the only creatures alive. Their tongues wrestled and he tightened his grip on her hair, as she crushed her body against his. She pulled back slowly, inching out of his arms.
"I'll speak to you later..." she said, looking up at him.
"Okay... Later." He breathed at her, his heart pounding in his chest. He turned to enter the store and she watched him walk inside and across the carpet towards the counter. The way his body moved when he walked made her horny. It was ridiculous and she laughed to herself. He brought his eyes back to hers and she waved at him before taking off towards the marina.
Pacey stood at the end of the walkway to Andie's house, enshrouded in the darkness of the street. The store had been incredibly slow, so he'd phoned Mr. Olson and closed almost two hours early. There was more than enough time to speak with Andie and still make it home at the regular hour. He had no doubt that his father would be waiting, timing him to make sure that he kept to his punishment and he had no intention of sticking around Andie's any longer than he really had to.
He stared at the huge house and up at Andie's bright window almost wishing that its lights were off and he could extend this another day. Fat chance. Mustering up every ounce of courage he had in him, he walked quickly to the door and knocked before allowing himself any time to change his mind.
Jack McPhee appeared in the front window, pulling the curtain aside to see who was at the door. He made a face, dropping the heavy fabric and coming to the door where he opened it and stepped outside.
"What are you doing here, Pacey?"
"I need to talk to her, Jack. Can I please come inside?" His voice was soft, without a hint of anger or pressure.
"Don't you think you've done enough, man? She's been a wreck since you talked to her the last time, you here to make it worse?"
Jack stood blocking his way into the house, a stern look on his face. Pacey completely understood his anger. Theirs was a fragile household, held together by the finest of threads, the strength of which came almost entirely from Jack. With their father missing in action, Jack had stepped up and become the man of the house. Pacey was a threat to whatever weak stability they had.
"It's alright. Let him in," Andie said in monotone from inside.
Jack opened the door hesitantly and looked up at Andie on the stairs. She nodded and he stepped aside letting Pacey pass, closing the door behind him and escaping into the kitchen.
She looked like hell. There had obviously been too many tears, her eyes were swollen and red, her complexion splotched and streaked with mascara. Pacey felt like shit. If he'd had any idea what he was going to say to her, it was gone now. There was nothing beyond an apology, that she doubtfully would accept, in his mind or on his lips. The truth. That was all he could offer her and hope that perhaps, eventually, they could become friends again. Were they ever friends before? Not really. He hoped, still, that maybe they could at least find a level ground.
Walking down the stairs, she passed him and led him into the den, sitting in an overstuffed chair that faced the sofa, and motioning for him to sit. The room dynamic was beyond cold, and it made him even more nervous to talk to her. Andie pulled some hair from her face and crossed her arms protectively over her chest, her jaws were clenched as she held back her tears.
"What, Pacey? You must have come to say something, so say it."
He expected her anger.
"Awww, Andie... we both know that we weren't working and I'm so sorry that it has to be this way. I never meant for things to be like this." He looked deeply into her eyes, trying desperately to say all of the things that he wanted to, but couldn't find the words for.
"We could have made it work, if you wanted to. You gave up. We're meant to be, can't you see that." She probably really believed that, but Pacey knew there was nothing for them. He would have never been in love with her. Looking into her eyes, there wasn't any attraction left.
"No. I'm not who you want me to be, and I never will be. I didn't want to feel like I had to live up to your standards. I want to be comfortable as myself." There. He'd said it to her finally, and it was like a weight lifted off of his back. "Maybe somewhere down the line you'll be able to forgive me because you'll understand, and maybe we can even become friends. I do care about you, Andie. we're just not right for a relationship."
"Is that why you're still lying to me?"
"I've never lied to you Andie, ever." That was the truth. He was guilty of avoiding her and causing more problems than he should have, but had never lied to her.
"Abby."
He should have seen it coming. He knew that she would believe that none of this could be her own fault, and that all of this was because of Abby, but it blind-sided him none the less.
"I don't want to get into this, but you and I were over long before Abby, long before we broke up, even. She has nothing to do with us."
"Right. It's just coincidence that you dump me and less than twenty-four hours later you're with her, doing god only knows what. You must think I'm a complete idiot." She got up and walked around the room, turning her back to him.
"It is a coincidence, and really bad timing, I realize. But I don't think you're an idiot. I just don't want you to think I've been wrong to you, because I haven't." There wasn't much else for him to say. There was no reason to expect that she would feel any better, it was going to take time before the atmosphere was easy between them. He'd said his peace and even if she didn't, he felt better about it. She walked out of the room silently and he took his leave. He didn't look back at her house as he walked out and away.
She wished that she could see him. Things felt so much better to her when they were alone together. It was as if they had so little in common with the rest of the world that when they got together, everything was even. But when she was alone with herself all she could do was doubt their relationship. He'd given her no reasons to feel this way, she just did.
She picked up the phone in her bedroom on the first ring. It was late, long after 11 o'clock. For all intents and purposes, she should have already been asleep. She wasn't necessarily waiting up for his phone call, but she certainly was up.
"Can you sneak out?"
"What?"
"Can you get out of your house?"
"Pacey? Is everything alright? You don't sound normal."
"I'm okay, really. I just can't sleep, and I want to see you. Will you come and meet me?"
"Are you sure you want to do this, won't you get in more trouble?" She was worried about him, his father seemed like a real bastard. Something must be up, if he wanted to risk going at it with him again while he was already in so much trouble.
"He'll never know the difference. They went to bed a couple of hours ago. So you'll meet me?"
"Absolutely. I was just lying here thinking about you anyway... might as well see you face to face," she giggled softly.
"You were thinking about me? Was I good?" She imagined the evil grin that he probably had on his face.
She was glad that he couldn't see her blushing on the other end of the phone. "Pacey! You're incorrigible. Where do you want to meet?"
"What about the baseball diamond, by the home team dugout? That's about halfway from your house to mine..."
"Okay. I'll see you there in, like, fifteen minutes..." She looked around her room for something to throw on.
"See you then. Be careful."
"You be careful, too." They hung up the phone and she grabbed a pair of black drawstring pants and a sweatshirt from her closet. He would have to deal with seeing her without makeup and her hair in small pigtails, it could be the test. If he still wanted her straight out of bed, then it was all good.
He got to the ballpark within a few minutes, he'd already been dressed and all he had to do was climb out his window and down the trellis into the backyard. He had snuck out thousands of times, whenever he was angry with his father and he wanted to get out of the house. The process, by now, was second nature and almost silent. He sat on the fence in front of the dugout and waited for her to arrive.
She walked up minutes later, looking around for him and finding him exactly where he said she would.
When she came up on him, he pulled her to him almost immediately, enveloping her in his arms and kissing her fervently. He had been lying in bed earlier and all he could think about was her in his arms, holding her against his chest, his lips kissing her over and over until they both suffocated. When he finally let her go, she pulled him back to her.
They walked down into the dugout and sat down next to each other.
"So you got out easily?" he said, taking her hand into his and looking at her fingers, tracing their outlines with his.
"Uh huh. I walked right out the front door, my mom always takes sleeping pills before bed. She's an insomniac."
He couldn't keep his hands off of her. His fingers traced her face and he brought his hands to her hair, tweaking her pigtails and laughing.
"Your hair looks so cute like this. You look adorable."
She smiled at him and twisted her arms around his neck, climbing onto his lap. They kissed, their tongues lapping at each other and his hands all over her back. Pacey could feel that she wasn't wearing a bra under that sweatshirt and he imagined his hands on her bare skin. The idea of touching her made his mind spin. His hands went under her shirt and felt the cool skin of her back under his palms. She wriggled in his lap and arched at him in pleasure, which he took as an invitation to move his hands to her sides. He felt her skin rise in goosebumps as he moved his hands up her sides, slowly inching towards her breasts.
He thought that she might stop him, they'd moved so tentatively up to now and he didn't want her to feel like he was going too fast for her, but she wasn't stopping him at all. She kept her lips plastered to his and her hands scratched lightly at his back and neck. His thumbs grazed the undersides of her breasts and she let out a small moan, he couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to feel her in his hands, her soft skin tensing beneath his fingers.
His hands felt so good on her, he moved them around to her breasts, touching them lightly with his fingertips. She felt her nipples harden beneath him and she pressed herself closer, biting at his lips and moving to lick at his earlobe and throat. The wind whistled through the ballpark and she twisted her head to look around her, anxious that they would be seen, but there was no one around. She relaxed again and looked at his face in the moonlight.
"What?" he said, looking into her eyes and smiling. His hands didn't move from under her shirt, he moved his fingers in slow circles, kneading her breasts softly and rolling her nipples between his fingers. She said nothing and leaned in to kiss him again.
She could feel him pressing against her between her legs, where she sat on his lap. There wasn't much between them besides a few layers of cotton fleece, she hadn't even taken the time to put on panties when she'd thrown on her pants. She wondered if he knew. She didn't really know what to do about it though, she wasn't really ready to go that far with him. She trusted that he wouldn't force the issue, he seemed to have an intuition as to what she was thinking. It was one of the things that was uncanny about their relationship already.
She moved off of him, but didn't go far, leaning her back against the wall and pulling him towards her again. His hands went up to her face and he cupped it gently, laying small kisses all over her lips and eyelids. She's so damn beautiful, he thought to himself. He backed off her slowly, feeling his hard-on strain against his boxers and trying to regain a bit of composure.
"How about I walk you home?" he said, smoothing her shirt with his hand and kissing her cheek.
"I'd really like that, Pacey."
He stood and held his hand out to her. She took it and rose with him as he pulled her into a giant hug. There was nothing to feel but safe in his arms. She felt his tongue lick at her earlobe before he whispered to her.
"Thanks for coming out tonight..."
The hair on her arms came up and she felt a chill run down her spine when he breathed in her ear. She turned her face and kissed him softly on the lips.
"Thanks for making me..." she said into his parted lips.
They walked hand in hand from the baseball field towards her house, stopping more than a few times to kiss and stare into each other's eyes. When they arrived, he put his hand on her cheek and bent to kiss her one more time before she went inside. He wanted to keep something with him when he went to bed, the time that they spent together was so special.
She watched as he walked from her house and into the darkness of the night, the taste of his lips still on hers.
To be continued...