Disclaimer: Don't own digimon or characters - man these things get so annoying.
Black Clouds: Part 3- Realizations
Tai's POV
The waiting room had finally cleared out a bit. Most of Matt's fans had left for the moment. Man, I had never realized how many girls were after him. There's irony for you. So many girls, begging and wishing for the hot blond singer, none of them knowing that he would never feel the same way about any of them, about any girl as a matter of fact.
I sighed and shifted in my chair, it was really hard and starting to hurt my back. Slipping down in it half way, I leaned my head back to stare at the ceiling. Thoughts tumbled through my head, but I couldn't seem to grasp any of them long enough to think them over. I thought mainly about Matt, my best friend. How I had just ran away from him the other night when he needed me. I hadn't wanted to admit anything before, heck how could I? I was one of the most popular guys in the school with millions of chicks after me. To admit that I was... I was... God, I can't even say it still in my head! But deep down, I had always loved Matt more than a friend. And last night, after TK had phoned me about what had happened to Matt, those feelings had burst in me all at once. It was a terrifying experience, but I was so worried about my friend that I had never really thought about them... until now.
Closing my eyes, I looked deep down within myself. Searching for the answers. Yamato... what did he mean to me? I had used to think, when we had first met, that he was a cold, uncaring boy. Didn't give a damn about the world, about anyone. That had changed slightly when his feelings over his little brother came out. TK meant everything to him. Matt had always argued against everything I suggested, and we fell into a lot of fights. I realize now, that I had become dependent on his arguments. They made me fight back with my own opinions, making me feel more sure about my actions. Matt also kept me from doing stupid things sometimes.
Over the years in the digiworld, I came to depend on him more and more. Yes, we did have a couple of those moments where we would share what was on our minds and in our hearts, but most of the time it was a quiet stable friendship. Little by little, I came to learn new things about him, like how much he cared for TK, and what friendship meant to him. And by the end of our fights against the dark masters, we had become great friends. I cared for him more than anyone, except maybe my little sister. I think now, maybe I had always loved him as well. It's just so hard to admit to that kind of thing though when it has always been pounded into my head that liking other guys like that was wrong. Especially since I hung around with guys who were always putting down gays. But hadn't I just been thinking the other day about why I didn't love Sora in the way she wanted me to? That something was wrong with me?
A few tears slipped out of my eyes. I didn't love her, and now I knew why. There was only one person for me, though how I was ever going to tell him or anyone was beyond me. Why had I run away? this was all my fault. If I had stayed with him, he never would be here right now in this stupid hospital. If I ever found out who did this to him, they were going to die. Literally. Because of them, Yamato almost died. The doctor gave me a list of injuries at my demand, 'though now I wish I had just not bothered with that. It sickened me as she relayed about broken bones, head injuries, broken ribs, cuts, some internal bleeding, the list goes on. Even worse than that is what those bastards did with him, using him for their disgusting pleasure. Forcing him to give himself up to their filthy hands. How anyone could do something like that is beyond comprehension.
"Tai?" I jumped up, forgetting I was sitting, and ended up on the floor with the chair on top of me. "Oh Tai, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." I felt the chair get lifted off of me, and I slowly picked myself up.
Kari was standing there watching me, concern mirrored in her eyes. "You were crying. Why Tai? They said Matt would be okay."
I flinched slightly at that name. They hadn't told her that he might never get over this. "I'm alright Kari. Maybe I'm just tired. Why aren't you with TK?"
"TK is still with Matt. Matt had another night mare, so TK's going to stay with him for a while." She told me sadly.
My dad came into the hospital then, and Kari went running over to him getting lifted up in a big hug. "How's it going darling?"
"I'm good Daddy." She laughed into his coat. I just watched without smiling.
Dad looked over at me, "Tai, you okay? You look tired."
"I'm fine dad." Actually I felt like I was going to topple over.
"Well, let's go home then. You need some sleep. Matt will be fine without you for a few hours. Come on." I tried to argue, telling him I wasn't tired, but a huge yawn escaped instead. He came over and took my arm and we headed out the doors. I promised myself that I would be back in an hour.
*>>>>>*
It's been four weeks since Matt was first sent to the hospital, four long horrible weeks. He's home now, and I'm really glad. Maybe now I can finally talk to him. I had visited him everyday, but every time I was with him he pretended that he was asleep. I knew he wasn't though, because whenever Matt really did go to sleep he woke up screaming. Poor guy, this should never have happened to him. It's all my fault.
The police had also been visiting him, I had seen them leave the room a couple of times. They wouldn't answer any of my questions, they wouldn't even tell me who was responsible for this. And everytime I went in after they had left the room, I could tell that Matt had been crying. God, I wish I could get my hands on those sick wretches.
I had tried to tell Matt many times what I was feeling. Trying to get out the guilt and love. But I just couldn't do it. How could I say that I loved him after I hurt him so much? It's impossible.
I haven't seen him for two days now, since the doctors and his dad wanted to get him used to being home first. I've missed him so much. So today I'm going over there, just to say hi and see how he's doing. I don't care if he doesn't want to see me. He'll just have to put up with my stupid face.
Eating a quick breakfast and hurriedly getting dressed, I then walked to Matt's apartement building. We lived quite close together, so I had an easy relaxed walk. When I finally got there, Mr. Ishida let me in.
"Hello Mr. Ishida. I just came by to see how Matt's doing." I told him, Matt's dad didn't look very good.
"Hi Tai. Good to see you again. Matt's in his room, but don't expect him to be too friendly right now. He hasn't gotten to sleep much in days now, he wakes up every night out of that nightmare. Maybe you can help, you two are such great friends." He smiled tiredly and waved me off.
Great friends...I hope we still are, but it's doubtful. I knew exactly where his room was and knocked gently on it. He told me to come in, probably thought I was his father. Opening the door slowly I peeked in, his room was a disaster, though that wasn't too much of a shock. It always was a mess. Matt was curled up on his bed, his back was facing me. I walked in, picking my way through dirty clothes and other stuff.
I stopped beside the bed and watched him. His whole body was shaking slightly, and his usually perfectly shaped hair was sticking out everywhere. His thin t-shirt was bathed in sweat, and I could see his thin back bone against the cloth. Matt sighed, and turned around, his eyes went wide when he saw it was me. Then they narrowed in a glare. I just sat down on the edge of the bed and said nothing.
"Wha...What do you... want? Go away already." He whispered as he turned away again, "If you came for an apology you're not getting one."
Tears welled up in my eyes, how could I tell him? "An apology? For what?" I'm pretty stupid when it comes to words.
Matt turned to look at me again, his eyes had shock in them, especially when he saw my watery eyes, "For...For making you hate me. For what I said... to ... you"
Now it was my turn to be shocked. Well, maybe I wasn't too surprised, considering how I had reacted when he told me his secret. Time to straighten out a few misunderstandings, "Matt...I...I don't hate you. Honest. How could I? You're my best friend, and I told you that you couldn't ruin that. I'm the one who's sorry. I shouldn't have acted like I did. I guess I was just... scared." I watched him silently, as he tried to think through what I had just said. Matt still didn't look too great, there was a few cuts and bruises on his face, and I could see bandages through his shirt where they had had to wrap up his ribs. He also looked really drained with almost total lack of sleep. But other than that, he was a little better since the last time I saw him. At least on the outside.
Finally Matt spoke, in one of his quiet disbelieving voices, "You... don't...hate me? But... but I told you I..." He couldn't seem to go on anymore, his voice choked up, and tears started coming down his pale cheeks, "I... I'm s...sorry, I'm so... so sorry..y"
I looked on in surprise, what did I do now? I told him I didn't hate him, so why was he still apologizing? "Matt? Please don't do this. This is all my fault. Please don't cry." I took one of his hands, holding it gently in mine. Matt looked up at me questioningly, tears still running. "I'm so sorry, Matt. I shouldn't have left you. I was just surprised and... and well, confused." I looked straight into his eyes, his beautiful deep ocean blue eyes, trying to make him understand. "If I hadn't left you, you wouldn't be in this shape right now, it's all my fault." Oops, wrong thing to say.
Matt pulled his hand away from mine, his voice angry, "I wouldn't be in this shape? What do you think you could have done? This has nothing to do with you! Even if you were with me, they still would've.... have... there... were too many." He was crying again. I guess I should not have brought that up. I mentally slapped myself.
"Oh Matt, I'm so stupid. You're right, you always are." I sighed dispairingly.
"Just leave me alone now Tai, okay? I don't want to talk to you anymore. You only came because you felt guilty about what happened to me, didn't you? I'm a fag remember? You don't hang around people like me, it's not cool." Matt jumped up from the bed, wincing as pain shot through him, and pointed to the doorway, "Just get out, you don't need to be here."
I sat there stunned. Didn't he know why I was here? Duh, Tai, of course he doesn't, I never said anything about that. I stood up slowly and faced the hysterical blonde, "Matt I..."
But he cut me off, "Get out Tai! What do you want from me? You already know I'm a fucking faggot, so just go get you're so called friends and you can all come and laugh at me. Beat the crap out of me even more! Not like your friends haven't done enough to me, you... I... hate..." he was sobbing uncontrollably now.
Of course I just stood there staring. "You... you really think I'm like that? You know I would never do anything to hurt you Matt. I don't care that your a... that you're gay. I would never treat you like that. Please Matt, you have to believe me." Then the last of his little speech hit me. "Uh...Matt? What did you mean, my friends haven't done enough to you?" I asked, a feeling of dread rushed through me.
But instead of answering, Matt started to sway on his feet. He was very pale, and sweat was running down his face. "I...don't...want to...talk about...them." He whispered just before collapsing. I managed to catch him before he hit the ground, and I held him against my chest. I could feel him sobbing, his tears soaking my shirt. But I didn't mind.
We stayed like that for a long time. I just sat on the floor while cradling Matt. I felt worse then than I've ever felt before. How long had Matt gone through this? Hiding his feelings every day, trying to pretend he was just a normal guy. And now this. Watching the top of his blonde head, I couldn't stand it any longer. I leaned my head down, feeling his soft hair against my lips, and pressed them on the top of his head. I felt him stiffen up in my arms, and he raised his head up to look at me.
"wha...?" I silenced him with a finger, and smiled down into his beautiful face. I can't believe I never saw how wonderful he was before. His eyes, they were so blue, bluer than the sky. Hard as ice, but when they melted, it was like looking straight into heaven. I felt like I could get lost in them forever. And his hair, usually styled so perfectly. The golden blonde hair, wild at the moment, was so soft I wanted to bury my face in it. He stared at me with his narrow, tear filled eyes, searching my face for any hint of insincerity. Patiently, I waited for him to relax a bit, but instead he tried to push away. I held on tighter, not about to let him go a second time.
"I... I don't want y...you to do this, j...just to make me... me feel be...better." He said shakily.
I shook my head, "No Matt, if I didn't want this I wouldn't be here. I... I think I...love you." I whispered those three words. They had just slipped out so naturally, it's a wonder I hadn't said them before. It felt wonderful to release my feelings. I finally fully realized how much Matt meant to me. He was my life, my reason for being here.
"No... no, you don't. Y... you ran... you ran, you... you h...ha...hate me!" Pushing at my chest he tried to wiggle away from my grasp. But I couldn't let him go, I just couldn't. I wanted so badly to take away the pain and suspicion I could see in his eyes. Maybe I did deserve his mistrust for the way I had acted, but I so badly wanted to keep him with me. Too bad I hadn't seen this sooner, it would have saved a lot of hurt.
"Yamato, listen to me, I do love you, I really really do. Please believe me. I know I can never apologize enough for hurting you like that, but maybe you could give me another chance? I promise never to run again, please Matt, I love you too." I looked down at him with tearful eyes, wanting him to trust me. Crystal drops of salty tears rolled down his cheeks, but he stopped struggling. Then he whimpered and threw himself back into my arms.
"Oh Tai..." He buried his head into my chest again, and I held him tighter. It felt so good to hold him like this. He cried, but not for long this time, he was exhausted and soon his breathing slowed down from quiet sobs. I lay my head on him and didn't let go, he needed sleep and I would be here to protect him. I closed my eyes and smiled, this was the way it should be. The way I always had wanted it, even though I had been too stupid to admit it. I am gay, or at least bi. There, I had said it, and a huge weight lifted off of me. My last thought before drifting into dream land was how I was going to break this to Sora.
*>>>>>*
Something pulled me out of my deep slumber. I opened up my eyes tried to figure out where I was. Why was I on the floor? Wait, this isn't my bedroom. There was movement in my arms and surprised I looked down. Matt! It wasn't a dream then, I was really here with him. I grinned sleeply as I watched him, but then noticed something was wrong. Matt started tossing around in my grip, he kept mumbling and he jerked his head around. Oh no, not another nightmare. He half yelled something, then thrashed his arms around, and his head came up catching me in the jaw. Pushing back the shock of pain, I grabbed his shoulders and proceeded to wake him up before he really got out of control.
"Matt, Matt wake up. Come on man, it's a stupid dream, snap out of it," I shook him a little, mindful of his injuries, and started yelling over top of his yelling, "I'm here Matt, they're not real anymore, it's over. They're gone Matt, it's going to be okay. I'm here." Soon I had finally gotten through to him, and he opened up his eyes. It was dark still, and I couldn't see him too clearly, while he probably didn't know who I was or what I was doing holding him like this. He started screaming and punching at me. I grabbed his wrists, and stopped him. It wasn't so hard, Matt had gotten real thin and a lot weaker over the last couple of weeks..
"It's alright Matt. It's me Tai, remember? I wouldn't hurt you Matt, ever." I tried to soothe him as he jerked around.
Finally Matt calmed down a bit and whimpered, "T... Taichi?" He said my full name, he's never done that before! "It... it's too... dark. Can't... see... you."
I smiled encouragingly at him, before laying him down and getting up to find the light switch. Soon a bright warm light filled up the room and I could see poor Matt. He was huddled on the floor, curled up and shivering. Oh god, I must have really scared him. He didn't look at me, but had his eyes tight shut. I quickly made my way over to him and layed a hand on his back, rubbing it gently until he relaxed enough to open his fearful eyes. I said nothing as I watched him watch me. We stared into each others eyes for a long time, then before I could think twice about it, I leaned down and kissed him on the lips. It was really just a gentle brush of the lips, but it seemed to bring Matt out of his fear at once. His eyes widened as he pushed himself up and opened his mouth, no sound coming out. I have to admit I was just as surprised at my own boldness, but I had never been one to think my actions over before going ahead with the first thing that popped into my mind. Matt started shaking a bit again, I think he was cold, and he opened his mouth again to say something, but I quieted him with another kiss, wrapping my arms around his body to warm him. I think it worked. He stopped shaking and started to kiss me back in a way that said he needed this more than anything. Now I had kissed a lot of girls, it's kind of hard not to have when I'm so popular at school, but none of them could compare to this. It was if heaven and earth had collided in my head, I could barely breath, but I couldn't break off this kiss, not yet. His lips tasted sweet and almost salty, and soon my tongue touched against them while he willingly opened up his mouth a bit to admit my prying muscle. I slid it into his mouth and our tongues entwined, dancing together harminously. I explored every inch of his mouth, then went back to playing with his tongue. We sat like that for a long time, tasting each other and loving every bit of it. I made sure I was very gentle with him, he was injured afterall and I didn't want to hurt him even more, but he never protested to any of this. I moved my hands up and down his back slowly, comforting, and he leaned against me closer. All my senses took leave, and there was only my blonde angel in my whole world, he was everything to me. I should have seen that sooner, but this time I was going to make no mistake.
Then a deep voice interrupted us, "Matt, breakfast is on the... uh...." We both pulled apart hastily and turned towards the sound. Matt's father stood there in the doorway staring at us as if he couldn't believe what he had just seen. Uh oh, this couldn't be good.
(A/N) I have the next part just about
ready to post... review please!! I really enjoy reading your comments ^_^