Queen of Souls
By Soul Hunter
Chapter Twenty-One
(Conclusion)
"What?"
Her question was more a result of surprise than an actual quest for an answer. Quistis felt hollow after hearing Hunter's shaky statement, totally unsure whether to actually believe him or simply dismiss his words as some sick joke.
"I don't understand, Hunter. Would you mind explaining what you said?" This time, she was asking a question that wanted an answer. After all the things that they've been through and the steadfast manner in which he professed to her his feelings, she just couldn't possibly believe that his declaration carried any semblance of truth. Hunter has got to be kidding, she insisted to herself. Yet why was she feeling anxious?
Again, the dark knight didn't answer, further fueling her speculation that there was indeed something grievous behind it all. Her unsteady voice started to echo the heavy anxiety besetting her.
"Dammit, Hunter. Will you stop with this mysterious guy routine and just answer my question."
He still remained speechless, further agitating the already distressed instructor. In spite of the tempest building inside her, Quistis thought it better to maintain her composure.
"Look, I understand if you're bothered by something that you think is too serious for me to deal with. I know exactly how you feel. But" She briefly trailed off, landing a tender hand on his arms. " I know that whatever it is or however bleak it may be, we can easily overcome it. Right? As long as we're together, there's no obstacle that we can't prevail over right?"
"I don't know, Quisty." Hunter finally voiced out. "I don't think so. Not this time. Not not this one"
"Well we certainly couldn't hope to solve this problem if you're going to insist on keeping it to yourself. Come on I'm here for you. You can tell me whatever it is and you know you don't have anything to worry about." She echoed gently. Her voice was warm and soothing, in its softness firmly determined to quell whatever trouble was laying siege on his mind.
"No!" He blurted out, startling her with the harshness in his voice. "It is not for you to tell what I should and should not worry about."
"What is wrong with you?!?" She ultimately exclaimed with sheer frustration. And again, Hunter fell to his appalling silence.
"Fine." Quistis snapped out, her voice now buckling from the emotional stress. "I don't know how many times I need to tell you that I'm here for you and you don't have to worry about anything with me. But you're just too damn stubborn If I didn't know better I'd think you're actually pushing me away. And I've been pushed away a lot more times than I'd care to remember. If you're going to continue being a jerk like that I can't possibly do anything about us anymore."
Her words may have sounded drastic and impetuous. But there was only so much patience that even a person of her fortitude could extend. Once upon a time, she thought she had evolved into the most enduring woman in the world after having to put up with a certain colleague's coldness and indifference. Years of unwanted practice galvanized her strength of character to enable her to withstand any heartless quip or uncaring brush off to go talk to a wall. But the dark knight's ominous silence laid all her hard-earned perseverance to waste.
"You know all you have to do is tell me that you really don't love me and don't want to have anything to do with me. At least that would have been a little more considerate." She echoed dejectedly. "Keeping your mouth shut like this is killing me"
Hunter abruptly turned to Quistis, his mind playing with an idea that he otherwise would never even dream of conceiving. But him not really loving her? The thought was so absurd it almost made him laugh in the sound of its irony. That was so far from the truth. The distance between the farthest limits of east and west couldn't begin to describe its remoteness from the truth. Nothing could be as far away from the truth than that ludicrous idea. He loved her so much that it hurt to even imagine a life without her.
But Hunter knew he had to be open to the truth. Given the grim circumstances, the prospect of a life without Quistis wasn't too far away. Looking at her sullen appearance, his heart was rent asunder with the thought of actually making her believe that he didn't love her. On the other hand, it would make things a lot easier for him. Nothing drives a girl away quicker than the callous expression of nonexistent love.
It would be much easier if he could only repel the call of his conscience. But no matter how grievous his predicament seemed for him, he still owed her the truth. Quistis deserved nothing short of the entire truth. Hunter held his breath as he allowed the compulsion to overcome him.
"I don't want to make a widow out of you."
Another battery rang out in her mind. She thought nothing could be worse than the implication of his callousness. She was gravely mistaken.
"You're kidding, right?" Quistis uttered incredulously. "Tell me you're just kidding."
"I'm not." Hunter sullenly replied. "Quisty I'm dying."
"A-Are you sure?" She stuttered back, an eerie touch of cold fear beginning to creep through her being. "Hunter, if you're sick, we must find a doctor who can help you. There's gotta be someone out there who can treat your condi"
"Neuroblastoma." He cut in before turning away.
Dismal chill began to traverse up and down her spine. All of the sudden, Quistis wished she didn't have to grow closer to Dr. Kadowaki than she had to. Throughout their informal congregations, the good doctor had clued her in to some random medical information that she thought would come in handy in her job. And she was only too aware of the said disease's cold efficiency. Neuroblastoma a strange tissue disorder born of a mutation of still unknown origins. The extremely rare condition that resembled cancer normally affects children and teenagers. But it was also theorized that the disease had the potential to afflict subjects of a number of scientific experiments that involved tissue reprocessing.
"I knew there were risks in my decision to go after the incubus. I embraced those risks willingly because I had nothing else in mind but its ultimate destruction."
Like the undocumented and generally crude method of cryo-sleep application rumored to have been performed one hundred years ago.
"I didn't count on meeting you. If I had known I don't know. Fates sure has a funny way of mucking with man's destiny."
In the back of her mind, Quistis was grimly enlightened with the reason behind Hunter's suddenly falling unconscious during the battle with Seifer. That was a clear symptom of the deadly disease, a debilitating effect of the cancer-like malignancy slowly eating away into whatever muscle, bone or organ that surrounded it. The dumbfounded instructor was rendered speechless, deathly aware of the fact that there was no known cure for Neuroblastoma.
"Now, tell me again how we're gonna overcome this problem together. Tell me again that you're going to be there for me." Hunter's voice was low in tone and almost reproachful. "Andrea hurt me when she left, saying that didn't want to be there when when it finally happens. I promised then that I am never again getting involved with anyone on an emotional level. It it just happened that you tore down the walls I had erected around myself. You broke through my shield and I was too helpless to do something about it."
She looked up to him longingly, but didn't dare to heed her urge to touch. Suddenly, Quistis felt that even a slight dab would be excruciating for her.
"So I'm not taking any chances, Quisty. If you're going to leave me, you might as well do it now, before" He stopped, too melancholic to continue.
"How long?" Her voice echoed faintly. She didn't know why, but she felt she just had to ask. Hunter breathed heavily before replying.
"I don't know. Maybe a year, maybe ten years, maybe next week For all we know, the next time I lose consciousness will be the last."
"Oh God" She finally broke down, feeling a million tiny shards of pain piercing her delicate heart. Quistis became filled with rebellious disbelief, with the sharp echoes of spiteful questions echoing in her mind, incessantly demanding answers to explain the cruelty the fates bestowed on her. For most people, an opportunity to find true love comes only once in a lifetime. She thought her time had come. But now she was staring at the truth that she could not hold on to it for long.
"So what's it going to be?"
A sharp bout of mixed grief and embarrassment tore through her chest. She knew that she loved him, almost without reservation. But the thought of losing her dark knight hung like the blade of Damocles over her heart. Quistis honestly didn't know if she could endure seeing him breathe his last. The thought was too painful and she wasn't sure whether she could accept that burden or not. All of the sudden, the SeeD understood the sentiment of the one who came before her.
Hunter stared at her intently. Quistis found it impossible to meet his gaze, consequently turning her head away in shameful anguish.
"I didn't think so" He muttered heavily.
Quistis wanted desperately to console him with a reversal of her decision. She craved badly to find the strength to let him know that she'll be by his side no matter what happens. But she knew she couldn't, too painfully aware that she lacked such fortitude.
"Well, I guess I'll never look into the sun the same way again" The intruder echoed to draw the instructor's attention to the great orb rising from the horizon.
Quistis looked up and squinted at the sun, consequently remembering the blissful tryst she shared with Hunter two nights ago. When she turned back, he was already gone. The morning elapsed quietly, bearing witness to the distraught instructor as she wept in quiet bitterness.
----------
Four days later, the instructor stood in full military attention, clad in her SeeD uniform, before an impromptu tribunal that was composed of Balamb Garden Headmaster Cid Kramer, his wife Edea, and the two leaders of Esthar and Galbadia, President Laguna Loire and General Richard Caraway. The court martial proceedings didn't take longer than everyone expected it to, catching the witnessing crowd slightly by surprise when Cid stood up to pronounce the tribunal's verdict.
Quistis remained stoic despite the anxious murmurs emanating from the spectator benches behind her. She knew that her friends were there, but she had no idea what they could possibly about at this moment. Even though her actions had been justified by the final demise of the soul devourer, she still wondered if they begrudged her for what she did to them, knowing that she didn't exactly take it easy on them. At least Zell must still be peeved as hell after the way she made him eat the ground. Fruits of the ludicrous idiosyncrasy that was called male ego, she unwittingly thought. She quickly dismissed the thought when the Headmaster started talking.
"Commander Trepe, this court found, influenced in no small way by the research performed by the Esthar Science Tribunal, that your actions, though categorically constituting desertion, was performed in the best interests of your mission and the personnel belonging to your current unit. Though you did incapacitate and abandon them within the duration of the task, you did in fact saved their lives en route to the eventual completion of the mission."
Quistis knew she should be proud. But somehow, she just felt empty. Even Cid's concealed but fond gaze didn't offset the hollowness she was feeling.
"Off the record, you are an asset to this institution and a model that everyone should emulate. Put simply I wish Garden had more soldiers like you."
She acknowledged his words of praise with a subtle bat of her eyelashes.
"For the record, it is this court's decision to dismiss all counts of the charges of desertion, and therefore to clear your records of such charges immediately. Additionally, in recognition of the many years of loyal and dedicated service to Balamb Garden"
Cid momentarily paused, looking at Quistis as if asking for her to reconsider. She smiled lightly, followed by a faint shake of her head. Dejection was evident in the Headmaster's subsequent groan.
" It is likewise my decision to grant your request for resignation."
Resounding gasps filled the Garden courtroom as the multitude of SeeDs bearing witness was overcome by shock. They could hardly believe what they heard about the celebrated instructor's decision to leave Garden. And if Quistis had turned around, she would have seen the perplexed look in the faces of her friends. She would have been amazed to see that even Seifer had the same look of surprise on his face. Without saying a word, she took one step back before flashing the familiar SeeD salute.
She had just stepped out of the courtroom when a frantic voice called on to her. Quistis turned around and saw Selphie running after her, followed by the rest of her teammates. Squall was conspicuously lagging behind.
"Quisty what did the Headmaster mean by you resigning?" The Trabian lass asked. The instructor simply smiled while kissing her on the cheek.
"I can't explain right now, but there's something that I have to do."
"But" Selphie pursued, but Quistis had already walked away. She hated to turn her back to one of her best friends but Quistis felt she had no choice. She didn't want to make this more painful than it already was.
The instructor's day was subsequently spent walking around the entire Garden complex. Her feet treaded lightly along the picturesque halls of the place she had been calling home during the last nine years. So much had happened here, so many things that she knew would take a long time for her to forget. And though some of them would rather be forgotten, she still chose to remember. Sometimes, things classified as painful from the outside could still serve as sweet remembrances of a girl's fabulous life in the company of the people she had grown to love. Some had hurt her and been the cause of her many disappointments. But such memories still proved far more priceless. There was no way she would even dream of forgetting them.
Quistis found herself by the hallway leading to the training center, triggering a string of memories of the events that transpired during the last four days. Four days that she spent listlessly wandering about, after her comrades found her outside the cave where she fought and defeated the soul reaper. She remembered the days being hollow and almost blank, devoid of the life that normally suffused her everyday routine. She recalled the nights that she spent inside her room, staring in that dark corner from where once there came out an intruder who introduced her to a whole different world and a whole new purpose in life.
She wished for that same shadow to appear and take the form of the same intruder that she loved. She hoped ferociously for him to come into her world once more. She missed him so much, and there was absolutely nothing she wouldn't do to have him back.
But didn't she turn her back on him just when he needed her most? Didn't she tell him that she wasn't strong enough to face the challenge that fates had posed against them? Yes, she did. Quistis knew this only too well. And right now, there was nothing else that she wanted more than to be given another chance to rectify her mistake. She had made too many mistakes in her life. And after realizing how much the dark knight meant to her, she resolved to not make this one count as such. Even if she had to watch him die
It didn't matter. Watching him live within her breath and touch, even for a limited time, was more than enough recompense.
Quistis remembered the night before, and smiled with a sweet flash in her eyes. Her left hand then pulled something out from her pocket. It was a note she found tucked in the mesh grill covering the ventilation opening in her room. The message scribbled in it was utterly plain
"I have a small cottage just outside of Dollet"
It was time for her to move on.