Disclaimer: This is a spoof, a parody, a joke on Digimon, it is not meant to offend or piss anyone off, so please don't take it seriously, thank you.
THE DIGIMAFIA
Osaka, Japan
Monday 8:57 a.m.
The sun rising from the eastern horizon peeked over the high-rises, like a curious child peeking over the neighbor's privacy fence. Its warm rays shone on a young man in his mid-twenties. They filter through is dark unruly hair casing a pointed shadow across a small spiral notebook he held in his lap. He crossed and uncrossed his ankles on the top of the mahogany desk, knocking over a can of pens.
"Damn," he uttered under his breath, too lazy to do anything about it. He leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head, and looked about his office.
Linoleum tiles on the floor glistened as the early sunlight hit them, and gave a thousand points of light on recently misted tall potted plants sitting in the corner alongside an extensive filing system. A dusty Japanese flag stood, looking solemn and rather forgotten, next to the tacky, brightly colored 16 month hentai calendar.
The man stretched his long arms above his head and yawned, wondering to himself why to the hell he was in his office so early. Suddenly the door was flung open by a small orange reptile resembling a dinosaur.
"Tai!" he shouted. "We got some serious shit going down."
With a panicked yelp Tai fell over backward as the large leather chair slid out from under him. He moaned and rubbed the back of his head as he peeled himself from the floor. Slamming his large hands down on the desk, he slowly pushed himself to a standing position and leaned forward, glaring daggers at the small orange intruder.
"Agumon..." he said, gritting his teeth. The creature laughed nervously at how calm Tai sounded, but then raised his claws to his face, flinching as Tai beat the top of the desk and shouted, "What the fuck was that?? Who gave you the fucking right to barge into my mother-fucking office at 9 o'clock on a fucking Monday morning?? You nearly gave me a fucking heart attack, you piss poor excuse for a giant orange pile of shit."
Agumon grinned and said, "Good to see you in such a chipper mood this morning, sir."
"Don't start with the ass-kissing, bitch," Tai said while running his fingers through his hair. He readjusted the chair and sat down cautiously, peering at Agumon over the desk. "What have you got for me?" Tai asked , cracking his knuckles.
"I heard from Big Fat Joe that someone is leaking inside info on the 'plans'," Agumon said. Tai leaned forward on his elbows.
"Do we know who this person could be?" he asked. Agumon shook his large scaly head.
"No," he said, "that's just the problem. It could be anyone."
* * *
International House of Sake
Odaiba, Japan
Monday 1:30 p.m.
"Mimi, that's like your eighth martini, and its not even 3 o'clock yet!" said Palmon, frowning.
"No it isn't," Mimi replied as she popped the remaining olive into her mouth and slid drunkenly off the barstool, mumbling something along the lines of, "Thanks, can I have another?"
Sora and Kari exchanged glances, and rolled their eyes.
"Not again," Sora said to herself as she poked Mimi with her foot. "Get the hell up off the floor, you're embarrassing us."
Kari laughed and took another sip of her Piña Colada, then brushed a stray lock of her sienna hair behind her ear. She stared across the table at Sora and watched as she shook her red hair down from a ponytail.
Meanwhile, at a nearby table, Biyomon and Gatomon watched in bemusement as Palmon tried feverishly to revive the inebriated Mimi, who remained quite limp. Biyomon fluffed her pink feathers and chuckled as the unconscious girl babbled indecipherably in her drunken stupor. Gatomon twitched her long tail and narrowed her large blue eyes at the familiar scene.
Kari glanced down when familiar strains of classical music broke the silence.
"Hey Kari your ass is playing Für Elise," Sora said laughingly. Kari grinned and answered her cell phone. After a moment, she hung up, and whistled for everyone to join her. They left the IHOS and piled into the waiting limo, Palmon dragging the still semi-conscious Mimi behind her.
* * *
Tai's Office
2:17 p.m.
Seated atop Tai's desk, Matt scanned the office with his piercing blue eyes. Izzy, a.k.a. Tiny, was typing heatedly at his laptop, apparently trying to unravel the secrets of cyberspace in one line of binary code. Big Fat Joe, who was, contrary to his alias, actually quite tall and lean, had his back up against the wall, his arms folded over his chest, staring rather blankly out the window. Matt's younger brother T.K. sat on a small piece of furniture that resembled a table, his long legs drawn up to his chest. All four men turned to look when the door opened, and Sora and Kari walked into the office, half-dragging a lead-footed Mimi between them. Palmon, Biyomon, and Gatomon trailed in their wake.
When the door opened a second time, no one really noticed, as they were all talking amongst themselves as to what the purpose of what this meeting was. Tai poked his head in the door pleased to see that they had all been prompt. He shut the door behind him and attempted to draw everyone's attention.
"Okay, quiet," he called.
No one listened. He scowled and walked over to his desk and sat down in his chair. He spun around once, and tried again. "Could we all shut up please?" he shouted, a little louder this time.
Again no one listened.
Tai reached into his jacket and closed his hand around the butt of his 9mm. He slipped his finger around the trigger and pulled his hand out. Raising his hand in the air, he pulled the trigger, and the loud explosive crack of the gun echoed through the office. Matt yelped and jumped off the desk.
All eyes were on Tai as the dust from the pouros asbestos ceiling cleared, revealing a bullet hole in the panel.
"Did I not just say to shut the hell up?" he yelled, and blew the smoke away from the barrel of the gun, before placing it back in its holster. "You're probably wondering why I brought you here," Tai went on.
"Well, actually, Boss," Joe began, fidgeting with his glasses.
"Shut up," Matt interrupted, smoothing the front of his suit.
Tai got to his feet and slowly started to walk around the room, his hands in his pockets.
"It would seem that someone among us has been leaking information," he said, eyeing each of them intently, "Information about"-he paused dramatically-"'The Plan'."
Everyone gasped.
"That's ridiculous, Boss," Joe said, "because none of us even know what 'the plan' is, so how could one of us--?"
"Shaddup," Tai cut him off, "I'm getting to it." Joe fell silent. "As you know," Tai continued, still pacing about the room, "up until now this plan has been kept secret from the rest of you, to prevent any information to be leaked prematurely. Somehow, someone found out about it and has been giving away the whole thing."
"But who would do that?" T.K. said, lighting a cigarette. Tai spun back to look at the younger man.
"That," he said quickly, "is what you've all been called here to figure out." He returned to his chair and again propped his feet up on the desk. "Exactly how much do the rest of you know?"
Everyone balked.
Sora fidgeted.
"Well, I kinda...heard something at the grocery store," she said, "something about all the money we got when we...I believe when we hit 5th National, but, it was kinda loud in there and I was reading the tabloids anyway--oh hey, did you know Kathy Lee Gifford is actually an alien from the...The Something Galaxy--?"
"Shut up," Matt said rolling is eyes. Tai shot him a warning look and Matt looked at the ceiling. "Hey she's your fucked-up wife..." he muttered.
"Okay," Tai said, ignoring Matt's comment, "how about you T.K.?" T.K. nearly dropped the cigarette.
"Well there was an article in the paper about the robbery at 5th National," he said. He paused and looked at Big Fat Joe. "You know..." he went on, "the author of that article was a Joe K."
Everyone's head snapped toward Joe. He held up his arms.
"Hey don't look at me," he shouted and backed up against the wall, "I'm no journalist! I'm allergic to typing! Besides, I heard everything from Izzy!"
Izzy paled.
"I found out some information on this so-called 'plan' from a sight on the Internet," he explained. "However, it is highly unlikely that such widely posted information is accurate."
Tai nodded and looked at Kari. She frowned.
"All I know is what I heard from Sora," she said, "and how a woman living near Lake Okabogee gave birth to a lizard baby."
"I heard about that too," Joe said.
"Oh, yeah," added Izzy, "I remember that." All of a sudden the room was abuzz with stories of reptilian offspring. Tai clenched his fists.
"Hello," he said, "I wasn't finished."
Like usual, no one heard him. He stood up. Shaking his head, he fired another shot into the ceiling.
"What the fuck do I have to do to keep your fucking attention for more than five fucking minutes??" he yelled. "Do I have strip down and dance like a fucking moron?"
"I'd like to see that," Sora piped up. Biyomon smacked her leg.
Matt snickered. "Jesus, Allah, and Buddha, the fucked up wife strikes again!" he muttered under his breath. Tai pushed back his jacket and gestured at the holster, a threatening look in his eyes. Matt decided it was in his best interests to lay off. Tai sat back down.
"Now here was I?" he asked. "Uhh, oh yeah I believe we were on...Matt." Everyone turned to look at Matt, who shifted his weight uncomfortably.
"It was me!" Mimi shouted from the floor, pointing one finger in the air. "I did it! I was the one who broke wind in the back of the limo last week!" Then she slid back into her drunken sleep. Tai blinked.
"Well...now that that's cleared up," he said, "can we get back to more important topics?" He looked at Matt, who gulped.
"Uhh...I..." He hesitated. "I don't know any more than T.K." he answered quickly. Tai rolled this around his brain for a minute and plucked the stray pieces of ceiling panel out of his hair.
"Well, it would make sense that your digimon wouldn't know anything more than any of you do," he said, rubbing his chin.
"So we're right back where we started," Agumon said.
After a moment of thick silence, there was a loud crunch from the corner. They all turned in time to see T.K. quickly pick himself off the floor and brush wood splinters from his pants. Agumon looked horrified.
"T.K.!" he shouted. "How may times have I told you not to sit on my small-ass desk?! I told you that you were going to break it one day-and you did!! This is coming of your hide you little blond punk!"
* * *
3:04 p.m.
In an unmarked van resembling that of a cable repair service, three figures sat waiting, watching, and talking quietly amongst themselves.
"Prepare for trouble..." the first figure said, flipping her magenta hair over her shoulder.
"And make it double..." the second figure said, toying with a red rose.
"Why do you two always say that? It doesn't make any sense. I'm the only one here!" said the third figure.
"It's our motto," Jessie said, "we have to say it."
"We're obligated," James added, "it's part of our contract." The third figure rolled his eyes.
"We have to put this plan into action," he said. "I think the others might be onto us."
Jessie then said, "Yeah, that was smart of you to bug Tai's office. We heard everything you guys said."
"Yeah I had no idea there were lizard children in Lake Okobogee," James said.
SMACK!
"Shut up!" the figure said.
"Hang on a second," James said, rubbing his cheek, "you haven't really explained this whole plan to us. I mean, what are we doing? How are we supposed to help you? Is this legal?"
"Close it, Question Boy," the figure growled. "If it was legal we wouldn't be doing it. That's why we're the bad guys, Stupid." He smoothed the front of his suit. "Alright, here's the plan: About three weeks ago we robbed the 5th National Bank, now we've got all this money stashed in the digital world. Tai's the only one who knows the location of the cash."
"Well, then what do you need us for?" asked Jessie. "We don't have those little digimabobbers that get you there."
"Yeah, we can't get in," said James.
"You guys will come with me," the figure said, "because three against seven is better odds."
"Well, what are we going to do with all that money once we yoink it?" asked James.
SMACK!
"We'll spend it you dolt!" said Jessie, as James rubbed his other cheek. "I could get a facial, and my hair done, and buy some new clothes, and..."
"Oooh! We'll be filthy rich!" James cheered.
The two of them clasped hands and began to sing, "We're gonna be ri-ich, we're gonna be ri-ich."
SMACK! SMACK!
"What is wrong with you guys??" the figure said harshly, "Look at yourselves, you're acting like fucking idiots! We'll get this money, and become the wealthiest, most powerful bastards on the face of this sorry-ass planet!" The figure then threw his head back and laughed manically.
He reached into his trench coat and pulled out two small automatic weapons. Jessie and James took them quickly. James looked down the barrel of his gun.
"Hey does this thing shoot ink?" he asked.
The figure batted the gun out of the way and yelled, "Watch where you're pointing that thing you idiot!"
Jessie put her finger around the trigger.
"Hmm, what happens when I pull this?" she asked curiously. James and the figure looked up in tandem.
"What?!" they cried simultaneously. There was a loud crack and the bullet ricocheted around the inside of the van.
"Hit the deck!" the figure shouted and threw himself down on the floor, covering his head with his hands. After bouncing off the walls a few times the bullet lodged itself in the floor.
"Hey, do you guys smell that?" asked Jessie.
"Holy crap!!" they all yelled, realizing the bullet had hit the gas tank.
"Run!" yelled the figure. Everyone fled the van and plastered themselves to the pavement as a massive fireball erupted behind them.
Once the smoke cleared, James lifted his head.
"There goes our deposit," he moaned. Both men glared at Jessie, whose face turned red.
"Heh," she laughed nervously, "sorry guys..."
* * *
The Digital World
4:37 p.m.
The mid-day sun shone through the trees and cast blotchy shadows on the eight people walking down the path in the middle the forest. Tai led the rest of his group down the grassless trail, headed toward the secret cave where he and Agumon had stashed the thousands and thousands of dollars they had stolen only weeks before.
"Are you sure you know where you're going, Boss?" Joe asked. "Because I think we might be walking in circles. I think I've seen that tree before-"
"Shut up, will ya??" the rest of the group shouted.
"Here we are," Tai said as they approached a clearing. Off to the right was a small cave in the side of a hill.
Izzy tapped at the computer.
"If my calculations are correct--and they always are," he said, "then the opening to that cave is exactly a foot and a half in horizontal diameter...much too small for any of us to fit through."
"Moron, that's why I had Agumon put the money in the cave," Tai remarked.
Sora glanced around her, then scratched her head.
"Hey, guys," she said, "anybody see where Matt went?"
They all shook their heads.
"Gabumon is gone, too," Patamon said, flapping his orange wings.
"That's strange," Tai said. They all turned when a flash of light appeared off to one side. "What's that?" he cried.
"Prepare for trouble..." a female voice said as a silhouette stepped into the light.
"And make it double..." a second voice added, as a man's figure stepped into the brightness.
"What in the--?" Tai shouted, gaping at the two intruders as they continued their little speech.
"To protect the world from devastation," the woman said.
"To unite all peoples within our nation," the man went on.
"To denounce the evils of truth and love..."
"To extend our reach to the stars above..."
The woman put one hand on her hip and smoothed her hair, announcing, "Jessie!"
The man twirled a rose between his gloved fingers as he said "James!"
"Keep talking and I'll blow your tongues off!"
James felt the barrel of a gun between his shoulder blades. He ducked, whimpering.
"The contract!!" he cried, shielding his face from the armed figure. "Remember the contract!!"
"Screw your contract," the figure said, "we've got business to take care of."
Tai's eyes widened as the new figure stepped into the light and smiled smugly down at the rest of the group, Gabumon at his side.
"Matt," he gasped, "what are you doing?"
Matt cackled triumphantly.
"What does it look like, you idiot?" he replied. "I'm making off with all the cash."
"The hell you are," Sora protested, and drew her gun. The rest of the group mimicked the action, as did Jessie and James, until every gun was trained on someone.
Stalemate.
Tai looked over the barrel of his gun at Matt.
"What are you talking about, Matt?" he asked. "This money was for all of us!"
"Not anymore," he shouted in reply, and looked at James. "Go get rid of them."
"With pleasure," James responded, aiming his gun directly at Tai's head. As he went to take a step forward, he tripped over a rock and, with a yelp, pitched to the ground. His gun went off, and the bullet tore into Joe's shoulder.
"Joe!" Gomamon cried, and rushed to Joe's side. "Joe, buddy, are you okay??"
"Of course I'm not okay, you moron! I've just been shot!" Joe responded. Gomamon looked around frantically.
"Oh no!" he cried. "Is there a doctor in the house??"
"I am the doctor!" Joe shouted. "And I'm the one who's been shot!"
Mimi jumped away from the wounded Joe, picking up her feet like the ground was hot.
"Awww, you bled on my shoes, Joe!" she cried. "I paid nine-hundred bucks for these at Nieman Marcus using the money we stole!"
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at Mimi.
"I mean..." she stammered, "the money I...found...on the street...in a wallet...yeah...I...gotta go." She turned and started to run away from the group, promptly running into a tree. She slid to the ground, unconscious again.
Izzy tapped at his computer.
"According to this," he said, peering at Joe over the monitor, "the entry wound is just above the clavicle bone in your left shoulder. The wound is approximately two inches deep--"
"Will you shut up??" Joe shouted, "I have a hole in my shoulder for crying out loud! This is no time for an anatomy lesson!"
"Yes, but if I can analyze the wound and--"
"Quit analyzing me and call the fucking paramedics!!"
As Izzy tended to Joe's wound, Sora and Kari went after Jessie. T.K. went for James's throat, and James squealed as he took off running.
"You idiots!" Matt shouted as the bungling villains fled, leaving he and Gabumon alone in the clearing to face Tai and Agumon. "You're worthless cowards!"
With guns still drawn, Tai and Matt glared at each other.
"What are you doing, Matt?" Tai asked.
"What are *you* doing, Tai?" Matt replied. "*You're* the one with your gun trained on your subordinate!" He paused, and his scowl turned to something resembling sadness. "You had everything! A wife, a sister, countless friends who would have done anything for you! All I wanted was to be like you! Is that so wrong??"
Tai looked at him, tears welling in his eyes.
"Matt!" he shouted. "Matt, this money was for all of us! We would have used it for everyone! What made you think I was going to keep it for myself?"
"That's bullshit!" Matt exclaimed. "You were just going to expand the business and leave the rest of us behind as you rose to the top!"
"You know I'd never leave any of you behind!" Tai shouted tearfully. "You guys are my family!"
Just then Agumon broke into the argument, saying, "Come on, it's not worth it! This is stupid! Just let it go!"
"Yeah, your friendship is worth more than this!" said Gabumon.
Matt drew back his gun and looked at his friend.
A gunshot rang out from the woods behind them. A white-hot bullet struck Matt in the left shoulder. He screamed in pain and fell forward. Tai lunged, catching him under the arms as he fell.
"Matt! Ohmygod! Speak to me! You can't die yet!!" Tai said through tears. "There's too many banks left to rob! Too many hits left to make! Oh, hell, there's too much stuff left to do in general!"
The rest of the group emerged from the woods and came across the scene that was playing out before them. They watched in silence as Tai laid Matt on the ground and put pressure on the wound.
"You'll be okay, Matt, you'll be okay," said Tai.
"Tai, you know what you have to do now...don't you?" said Matt weakly.
Tai scratched his head.
"Do I?"
"Remember when we said, back when we were kids, that if we ever became leaders of a mafia ring, and wound up fighting over power and money, we promised we would kill each other rather than fight, because our friendship was worth more than that?"
Tai blinked.
"I don't remember that."
"Oh, just shut up and shoot me!"
"You know I can't do that!" Tai said.
"Fine," Matt said, "I'll do it myself."
"But that would break our pact!"
"I know that!" he growled. "Just shut up! You're not helping!"
Finally, Tai took the gun from Matt's hand and looked at the cold metal barrel. His hands trembled as he wrapped his finger around the trigger. Quickly, he tossed it to the ground.
"I can't do it!" he said. "I just...can't do it!"
Matt scowled.
"You coward! You're such a pussy!" he said. "Forget it, I'll do it myself!"
Matt picked up the gun and raised it to his temple and, before anyone could react, he pulled the trigger, ending his own life.
Tai screamed in horror, and leapt to his feet, unwilling to believe what he had just seen happen. He broke down, then felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Sora.
"It wasn't your fault, Tai," she said tearfully, "there was nothing you could have done."
"We should give him a proper burial," Izzy said when he was done patching up Joe.
"He always loved the sea," T.K. said softly.
The group carried Matt's body to the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean. They raised him, then reluctantly let his body slide from their hands, watching painfully as it plunged toward the shimmering waters below. The girls embraced each other and wept for the loss of Matt. Tai turned his back to the cliff, and clenched his fists by his sides.
"No," he whispered. "No, this can't be. It wasn't supposed to be." Tai spun around, yelling, "It wasn't supposed to end like this!!" He hurled himself over the edge, leaving the group horror-stricken. Sora screamed, and tried to grab him, but missed, losing her balance. She tumbled after him. Kari snapped out of her stupor--
"No, this can't be!" she cried. "Tai!! Sora!!"
She then slowly walked to the edge and left the group paralyzed with shock as she calmly walked off the edge. T.K. lunged forward.
"No--Kari!!" he cried.
Izzy grabbed T.K.'s arm.
"Wait, we have to help Joe," he said. Joe blinked.
"I...don't need any help," he replied. "What are you talking about?" His eyes widened as T.K picked him up under the arms, and Izzy to take his legs. "Uhh...guys...what are you doing?" They carried him closer to the edge. "Guys...guys, can't we talk this over? Guys? Uh...guys?? GUYS?? Waitasecond--whoa!!"
They brushed their hands off and listened for the splash. Then they looked toward Mimi, who was still unconscious.
"Might as well," said Izzy with a shrug. They counted to three and hurled her over the edge after the others. Then they looked at each other, horrified at the realization of what they had done.
"Ohmygod," T.K. said, "we've killed our friends!!"
"We don't deserve to live!" added Izzy.
They backed up slightly, looked at each other one last time, nodded, got a running start, then shouted, "We're such scum!" as they launched themselves over the cliff.
Meanwhile, standing behind the trees near the cliff, the digimon emerged. Tentomon flew over to the edge and peered down.
"It worked," he said, "prodigious!"
"What was that?" asked Agumon, narrowing one eye.
"Nothing...nothing," Tentomon said.
"It better have been nothing," Agumon said, "or you'll be joining them."
The conversation came to an abrupt halt when they heard strange caterwauling coming from the woods. Gatomon cocked her head and asked, "Hey, do you guys hear that? It sounds like...singing..."
Gomamon agreed.
"It sounds like they're singing...'we're going to be rich'," he said.
Agumon snapped his head around.
"What?" he cried. "That's impossible! No one was left!"
They all groaned as they saw the two figures skipping out of the forest into the sunlight. It was Team Rocket.
"Curses! We missed a couple," said Agumon.
"Easily rectified," Patamon assured him.
The digimon surrounded the dancing villains.
Suddenly, James stopped singing.
"Hey, Jessie," he said. She looked at him.
"Yeah?"
"Is it just me, or do we seem to be getting closer to the edge of the--"
"Cliff!!" they both yelled. They hugged each other as they plummeted through the air.
"Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off agaaaaaaain!"
The digimon watched as their last two rivals fell out of sight. Agumon tapped his ivory claws together.
"Excellent..." he hissed. "Excellent..."
* FIN *
Author's Note: Digimon, Pokémon, and their respective characters are copyrighted...the exact names of these companies they are copyrighted to escapes me at the moment, but, rest assured, it is not me. This story is completely a work of fiction, any resemblance to any actual events or persons, living or deceased, is purely coincidental. No wombats were harmed in the making of this fic. Thank you.
Regards, Diplomatic Pouch
THE DIGIMAFIA
Osaka, Japan
Monday 8:57 a.m.
The sun rising from the eastern horizon peeked over the high-rises, like a curious child peeking over the neighbor's privacy fence. Its warm rays shone on a young man in his mid-twenties. They filter through is dark unruly hair casing a pointed shadow across a small spiral notebook he held in his lap. He crossed and uncrossed his ankles on the top of the mahogany desk, knocking over a can of pens.
"Damn," he uttered under his breath, too lazy to do anything about it. He leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head, and looked about his office.
Linoleum tiles on the floor glistened as the early sunlight hit them, and gave a thousand points of light on recently misted tall potted plants sitting in the corner alongside an extensive filing system. A dusty Japanese flag stood, looking solemn and rather forgotten, next to the tacky, brightly colored 16 month hentai calendar.
The man stretched his long arms above his head and yawned, wondering to himself why to the hell he was in his office so early. Suddenly the door was flung open by a small orange reptile resembling a dinosaur.
"Tai!" he shouted. "We got some serious shit going down."
With a panicked yelp Tai fell over backward as the large leather chair slid out from under him. He moaned and rubbed the back of his head as he peeled himself from the floor. Slamming his large hands down on the desk, he slowly pushed himself to a standing position and leaned forward, glaring daggers at the small orange intruder.
"Agumon..." he said, gritting his teeth. The creature laughed nervously at how calm Tai sounded, but then raised his claws to his face, flinching as Tai beat the top of the desk and shouted, "What the fuck was that?? Who gave you the fucking right to barge into my mother-fucking office at 9 o'clock on a fucking Monday morning?? You nearly gave me a fucking heart attack, you piss poor excuse for a giant orange pile of shit."
Agumon grinned and said, "Good to see you in such a chipper mood this morning, sir."
"Don't start with the ass-kissing, bitch," Tai said while running his fingers through his hair. He readjusted the chair and sat down cautiously, peering at Agumon over the desk. "What have you got for me?" Tai asked , cracking his knuckles.
"I heard from Big Fat Joe that someone is leaking inside info on the 'plans'," Agumon said. Tai leaned forward on his elbows.
"Do we know who this person could be?" he asked. Agumon shook his large scaly head.
"No," he said, "that's just the problem. It could be anyone."
* * *
International House of Sake
Odaiba, Japan
Monday 1:30 p.m.
"Mimi, that's like your eighth martini, and its not even 3 o'clock yet!" said Palmon, frowning.
"No it isn't," Mimi replied as she popped the remaining olive into her mouth and slid drunkenly off the barstool, mumbling something along the lines of, "Thanks, can I have another?"
Sora and Kari exchanged glances, and rolled their eyes.
"Not again," Sora said to herself as she poked Mimi with her foot. "Get the hell up off the floor, you're embarrassing us."
Kari laughed and took another sip of her Piña Colada, then brushed a stray lock of her sienna hair behind her ear. She stared across the table at Sora and watched as she shook her red hair down from a ponytail.
Meanwhile, at a nearby table, Biyomon and Gatomon watched in bemusement as Palmon tried feverishly to revive the inebriated Mimi, who remained quite limp. Biyomon fluffed her pink feathers and chuckled as the unconscious girl babbled indecipherably in her drunken stupor. Gatomon twitched her long tail and narrowed her large blue eyes at the familiar scene.
Kari glanced down when familiar strains of classical music broke the silence.
"Hey Kari your ass is playing Für Elise," Sora said laughingly. Kari grinned and answered her cell phone. After a moment, she hung up, and whistled for everyone to join her. They left the IHOS and piled into the waiting limo, Palmon dragging the still semi-conscious Mimi behind her.
* * *
Tai's Office
2:17 p.m.
Seated atop Tai's desk, Matt scanned the office with his piercing blue eyes. Izzy, a.k.a. Tiny, was typing heatedly at his laptop, apparently trying to unravel the secrets of cyberspace in one line of binary code. Big Fat Joe, who was, contrary to his alias, actually quite tall and lean, had his back up against the wall, his arms folded over his chest, staring rather blankly out the window. Matt's younger brother T.K. sat on a small piece of furniture that resembled a table, his long legs drawn up to his chest. All four men turned to look when the door opened, and Sora and Kari walked into the office, half-dragging a lead-footed Mimi between them. Palmon, Biyomon, and Gatomon trailed in their wake.
When the door opened a second time, no one really noticed, as they were all talking amongst themselves as to what the purpose of what this meeting was. Tai poked his head in the door pleased to see that they had all been prompt. He shut the door behind him and attempted to draw everyone's attention.
"Okay, quiet," he called.
No one listened. He scowled and walked over to his desk and sat down in his chair. He spun around once, and tried again. "Could we all shut up please?" he shouted, a little louder this time.
Again no one listened.
Tai reached into his jacket and closed his hand around the butt of his 9mm. He slipped his finger around the trigger and pulled his hand out. Raising his hand in the air, he pulled the trigger, and the loud explosive crack of the gun echoed through the office. Matt yelped and jumped off the desk.
All eyes were on Tai as the dust from the pouros asbestos ceiling cleared, revealing a bullet hole in the panel.
"Did I not just say to shut the hell up?" he yelled, and blew the smoke away from the barrel of the gun, before placing it back in its holster. "You're probably wondering why I brought you here," Tai went on.
"Well, actually, Boss," Joe began, fidgeting with his glasses.
"Shut up," Matt interrupted, smoothing the front of his suit.
Tai got to his feet and slowly started to walk around the room, his hands in his pockets.
"It would seem that someone among us has been leaking information," he said, eyeing each of them intently, "Information about"-he paused dramatically-"'The Plan'."
Everyone gasped.
"That's ridiculous, Boss," Joe said, "because none of us even know what 'the plan' is, so how could one of us--?"
"Shaddup," Tai cut him off, "I'm getting to it." Joe fell silent. "As you know," Tai continued, still pacing about the room, "up until now this plan has been kept secret from the rest of you, to prevent any information to be leaked prematurely. Somehow, someone found out about it and has been giving away the whole thing."
"But who would do that?" T.K. said, lighting a cigarette. Tai spun back to look at the younger man.
"That," he said quickly, "is what you've all been called here to figure out." He returned to his chair and again propped his feet up on the desk. "Exactly how much do the rest of you know?"
Everyone balked.
Sora fidgeted.
"Well, I kinda...heard something at the grocery store," she said, "something about all the money we got when we...I believe when we hit 5th National, but, it was kinda loud in there and I was reading the tabloids anyway--oh hey, did you know Kathy Lee Gifford is actually an alien from the...The Something Galaxy--?"
"Shut up," Matt said rolling is eyes. Tai shot him a warning look and Matt looked at the ceiling. "Hey she's your fucked-up wife..." he muttered.
"Okay," Tai said, ignoring Matt's comment, "how about you T.K.?" T.K. nearly dropped the cigarette.
"Well there was an article in the paper about the robbery at 5th National," he said. He paused and looked at Big Fat Joe. "You know..." he went on, "the author of that article was a Joe K."
Everyone's head snapped toward Joe. He held up his arms.
"Hey don't look at me," he shouted and backed up against the wall, "I'm no journalist! I'm allergic to typing! Besides, I heard everything from Izzy!"
Izzy paled.
"I found out some information on this so-called 'plan' from a sight on the Internet," he explained. "However, it is highly unlikely that such widely posted information is accurate."
Tai nodded and looked at Kari. She frowned.
"All I know is what I heard from Sora," she said, "and how a woman living near Lake Okabogee gave birth to a lizard baby."
"I heard about that too," Joe said.
"Oh, yeah," added Izzy, "I remember that." All of a sudden the room was abuzz with stories of reptilian offspring. Tai clenched his fists.
"Hello," he said, "I wasn't finished."
Like usual, no one heard him. He stood up. Shaking his head, he fired another shot into the ceiling.
"What the fuck do I have to do to keep your fucking attention for more than five fucking minutes??" he yelled. "Do I have strip down and dance like a fucking moron?"
"I'd like to see that," Sora piped up. Biyomon smacked her leg.
Matt snickered. "Jesus, Allah, and Buddha, the fucked up wife strikes again!" he muttered under his breath. Tai pushed back his jacket and gestured at the holster, a threatening look in his eyes. Matt decided it was in his best interests to lay off. Tai sat back down.
"Now here was I?" he asked. "Uhh, oh yeah I believe we were on...Matt." Everyone turned to look at Matt, who shifted his weight uncomfortably.
"It was me!" Mimi shouted from the floor, pointing one finger in the air. "I did it! I was the one who broke wind in the back of the limo last week!" Then she slid back into her drunken sleep. Tai blinked.
"Well...now that that's cleared up," he said, "can we get back to more important topics?" He looked at Matt, who gulped.
"Uhh...I..." He hesitated. "I don't know any more than T.K." he answered quickly. Tai rolled this around his brain for a minute and plucked the stray pieces of ceiling panel out of his hair.
"Well, it would make sense that your digimon wouldn't know anything more than any of you do," he said, rubbing his chin.
"So we're right back where we started," Agumon said.
After a moment of thick silence, there was a loud crunch from the corner. They all turned in time to see T.K. quickly pick himself off the floor and brush wood splinters from his pants. Agumon looked horrified.
"T.K.!" he shouted. "How may times have I told you not to sit on my small-ass desk?! I told you that you were going to break it one day-and you did!! This is coming of your hide you little blond punk!"
* * *
3:04 p.m.
In an unmarked van resembling that of a cable repair service, three figures sat waiting, watching, and talking quietly amongst themselves.
"Prepare for trouble..." the first figure said, flipping her magenta hair over her shoulder.
"And make it double..." the second figure said, toying with a red rose.
"Why do you two always say that? It doesn't make any sense. I'm the only one here!" said the third figure.
"It's our motto," Jessie said, "we have to say it."
"We're obligated," James added, "it's part of our contract." The third figure rolled his eyes.
"We have to put this plan into action," he said. "I think the others might be onto us."
Jessie then said, "Yeah, that was smart of you to bug Tai's office. We heard everything you guys said."
"Yeah I had no idea there were lizard children in Lake Okobogee," James said.
SMACK!
"Shut up!" the figure said.
"Hang on a second," James said, rubbing his cheek, "you haven't really explained this whole plan to us. I mean, what are we doing? How are we supposed to help you? Is this legal?"
"Close it, Question Boy," the figure growled. "If it was legal we wouldn't be doing it. That's why we're the bad guys, Stupid." He smoothed the front of his suit. "Alright, here's the plan: About three weeks ago we robbed the 5th National Bank, now we've got all this money stashed in the digital world. Tai's the only one who knows the location of the cash."
"Well, then what do you need us for?" asked Jessie. "We don't have those little digimabobbers that get you there."
"Yeah, we can't get in," said James.
"You guys will come with me," the figure said, "because three against seven is better odds."
"Well, what are we going to do with all that money once we yoink it?" asked James.
SMACK!
"We'll spend it you dolt!" said Jessie, as James rubbed his other cheek. "I could get a facial, and my hair done, and buy some new clothes, and..."
"Oooh! We'll be filthy rich!" James cheered.
The two of them clasped hands and began to sing, "We're gonna be ri-ich, we're gonna be ri-ich."
SMACK! SMACK!
"What is wrong with you guys??" the figure said harshly, "Look at yourselves, you're acting like fucking idiots! We'll get this money, and become the wealthiest, most powerful bastards on the face of this sorry-ass planet!" The figure then threw his head back and laughed manically.
He reached into his trench coat and pulled out two small automatic weapons. Jessie and James took them quickly. James looked down the barrel of his gun.
"Hey does this thing shoot ink?" he asked.
The figure batted the gun out of the way and yelled, "Watch where you're pointing that thing you idiot!"
Jessie put her finger around the trigger.
"Hmm, what happens when I pull this?" she asked curiously. James and the figure looked up in tandem.
"What?!" they cried simultaneously. There was a loud crack and the bullet ricocheted around the inside of the van.
"Hit the deck!" the figure shouted and threw himself down on the floor, covering his head with his hands. After bouncing off the walls a few times the bullet lodged itself in the floor.
"Hey, do you guys smell that?" asked Jessie.
"Holy crap!!" they all yelled, realizing the bullet had hit the gas tank.
"Run!" yelled the figure. Everyone fled the van and plastered themselves to the pavement as a massive fireball erupted behind them.
Once the smoke cleared, James lifted his head.
"There goes our deposit," he moaned. Both men glared at Jessie, whose face turned red.
"Heh," she laughed nervously, "sorry guys..."
* * *
The Digital World
4:37 p.m.
The mid-day sun shone through the trees and cast blotchy shadows on the eight people walking down the path in the middle the forest. Tai led the rest of his group down the grassless trail, headed toward the secret cave where he and Agumon had stashed the thousands and thousands of dollars they had stolen only weeks before.
"Are you sure you know where you're going, Boss?" Joe asked. "Because I think we might be walking in circles. I think I've seen that tree before-"
"Shut up, will ya??" the rest of the group shouted.
"Here we are," Tai said as they approached a clearing. Off to the right was a small cave in the side of a hill.
Izzy tapped at the computer.
"If my calculations are correct--and they always are," he said, "then the opening to that cave is exactly a foot and a half in horizontal diameter...much too small for any of us to fit through."
"Moron, that's why I had Agumon put the money in the cave," Tai remarked.
Sora glanced around her, then scratched her head.
"Hey, guys," she said, "anybody see where Matt went?"
They all shook their heads.
"Gabumon is gone, too," Patamon said, flapping his orange wings.
"That's strange," Tai said. They all turned when a flash of light appeared off to one side. "What's that?" he cried.
"Prepare for trouble..." a female voice said as a silhouette stepped into the light.
"And make it double..." a second voice added, as a man's figure stepped into the brightness.
"What in the--?" Tai shouted, gaping at the two intruders as they continued their little speech.
"To protect the world from devastation," the woman said.
"To unite all peoples within our nation," the man went on.
"To denounce the evils of truth and love..."
"To extend our reach to the stars above..."
The woman put one hand on her hip and smoothed her hair, announcing, "Jessie!"
The man twirled a rose between his gloved fingers as he said "James!"
"Keep talking and I'll blow your tongues off!"
James felt the barrel of a gun between his shoulder blades. He ducked, whimpering.
"The contract!!" he cried, shielding his face from the armed figure. "Remember the contract!!"
"Screw your contract," the figure said, "we've got business to take care of."
Tai's eyes widened as the new figure stepped into the light and smiled smugly down at the rest of the group, Gabumon at his side.
"Matt," he gasped, "what are you doing?"
Matt cackled triumphantly.
"What does it look like, you idiot?" he replied. "I'm making off with all the cash."
"The hell you are," Sora protested, and drew her gun. The rest of the group mimicked the action, as did Jessie and James, until every gun was trained on someone.
Stalemate.
Tai looked over the barrel of his gun at Matt.
"What are you talking about, Matt?" he asked. "This money was for all of us!"
"Not anymore," he shouted in reply, and looked at James. "Go get rid of them."
"With pleasure," James responded, aiming his gun directly at Tai's head. As he went to take a step forward, he tripped over a rock and, with a yelp, pitched to the ground. His gun went off, and the bullet tore into Joe's shoulder.
"Joe!" Gomamon cried, and rushed to Joe's side. "Joe, buddy, are you okay??"
"Of course I'm not okay, you moron! I've just been shot!" Joe responded. Gomamon looked around frantically.
"Oh no!" he cried. "Is there a doctor in the house??"
"I am the doctor!" Joe shouted. "And I'm the one who's been shot!"
Mimi jumped away from the wounded Joe, picking up her feet like the ground was hot.
"Awww, you bled on my shoes, Joe!" she cried. "I paid nine-hundred bucks for these at Nieman Marcus using the money we stole!"
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at Mimi.
"I mean..." she stammered, "the money I...found...on the street...in a wallet...yeah...I...gotta go." She turned and started to run away from the group, promptly running into a tree. She slid to the ground, unconscious again.
Izzy tapped at his computer.
"According to this," he said, peering at Joe over the monitor, "the entry wound is just above the clavicle bone in your left shoulder. The wound is approximately two inches deep--"
"Will you shut up??" Joe shouted, "I have a hole in my shoulder for crying out loud! This is no time for an anatomy lesson!"
"Yes, but if I can analyze the wound and--"
"Quit analyzing me and call the fucking paramedics!!"
As Izzy tended to Joe's wound, Sora and Kari went after Jessie. T.K. went for James's throat, and James squealed as he took off running.
"You idiots!" Matt shouted as the bungling villains fled, leaving he and Gabumon alone in the clearing to face Tai and Agumon. "You're worthless cowards!"
With guns still drawn, Tai and Matt glared at each other.
"What are you doing, Matt?" Tai asked.
"What are *you* doing, Tai?" Matt replied. "*You're* the one with your gun trained on your subordinate!" He paused, and his scowl turned to something resembling sadness. "You had everything! A wife, a sister, countless friends who would have done anything for you! All I wanted was to be like you! Is that so wrong??"
Tai looked at him, tears welling in his eyes.
"Matt!" he shouted. "Matt, this money was for all of us! We would have used it for everyone! What made you think I was going to keep it for myself?"
"That's bullshit!" Matt exclaimed. "You were just going to expand the business and leave the rest of us behind as you rose to the top!"
"You know I'd never leave any of you behind!" Tai shouted tearfully. "You guys are my family!"
Just then Agumon broke into the argument, saying, "Come on, it's not worth it! This is stupid! Just let it go!"
"Yeah, your friendship is worth more than this!" said Gabumon.
Matt drew back his gun and looked at his friend.
A gunshot rang out from the woods behind them. A white-hot bullet struck Matt in the left shoulder. He screamed in pain and fell forward. Tai lunged, catching him under the arms as he fell.
"Matt! Ohmygod! Speak to me! You can't die yet!!" Tai said through tears. "There's too many banks left to rob! Too many hits left to make! Oh, hell, there's too much stuff left to do in general!"
The rest of the group emerged from the woods and came across the scene that was playing out before them. They watched in silence as Tai laid Matt on the ground and put pressure on the wound.
"You'll be okay, Matt, you'll be okay," said Tai.
"Tai, you know what you have to do now...don't you?" said Matt weakly.
Tai scratched his head.
"Do I?"
"Remember when we said, back when we were kids, that if we ever became leaders of a mafia ring, and wound up fighting over power and money, we promised we would kill each other rather than fight, because our friendship was worth more than that?"
Tai blinked.
"I don't remember that."
"Oh, just shut up and shoot me!"
"You know I can't do that!" Tai said.
"Fine," Matt said, "I'll do it myself."
"But that would break our pact!"
"I know that!" he growled. "Just shut up! You're not helping!"
Finally, Tai took the gun from Matt's hand and looked at the cold metal barrel. His hands trembled as he wrapped his finger around the trigger. Quickly, he tossed it to the ground.
"I can't do it!" he said. "I just...can't do it!"
Matt scowled.
"You coward! You're such a pussy!" he said. "Forget it, I'll do it myself!"
Matt picked up the gun and raised it to his temple and, before anyone could react, he pulled the trigger, ending his own life.
Tai screamed in horror, and leapt to his feet, unwilling to believe what he had just seen happen. He broke down, then felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Sora.
"It wasn't your fault, Tai," she said tearfully, "there was nothing you could have done."
"We should give him a proper burial," Izzy said when he was done patching up Joe.
"He always loved the sea," T.K. said softly.
The group carried Matt's body to the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean. They raised him, then reluctantly let his body slide from their hands, watching painfully as it plunged toward the shimmering waters below. The girls embraced each other and wept for the loss of Matt. Tai turned his back to the cliff, and clenched his fists by his sides.
"No," he whispered. "No, this can't be. It wasn't supposed to be." Tai spun around, yelling, "It wasn't supposed to end like this!!" He hurled himself over the edge, leaving the group horror-stricken. Sora screamed, and tried to grab him, but missed, losing her balance. She tumbled after him. Kari snapped out of her stupor--
"No, this can't be!" she cried. "Tai!! Sora!!"
She then slowly walked to the edge and left the group paralyzed with shock as she calmly walked off the edge. T.K. lunged forward.
"No--Kari!!" he cried.
Izzy grabbed T.K.'s arm.
"Wait, we have to help Joe," he said. Joe blinked.
"I...don't need any help," he replied. "What are you talking about?" His eyes widened as T.K picked him up under the arms, and Izzy to take his legs. "Uhh...guys...what are you doing?" They carried him closer to the edge. "Guys...guys, can't we talk this over? Guys? Uh...guys?? GUYS?? Waitasecond--whoa!!"
They brushed their hands off and listened for the splash. Then they looked toward Mimi, who was still unconscious.
"Might as well," said Izzy with a shrug. They counted to three and hurled her over the edge after the others. Then they looked at each other, horrified at the realization of what they had done.
"Ohmygod," T.K. said, "we've killed our friends!!"
"We don't deserve to live!" added Izzy.
They backed up slightly, looked at each other one last time, nodded, got a running start, then shouted, "We're such scum!" as they launched themselves over the cliff.
Meanwhile, standing behind the trees near the cliff, the digimon emerged. Tentomon flew over to the edge and peered down.
"It worked," he said, "prodigious!"
"What was that?" asked Agumon, narrowing one eye.
"Nothing...nothing," Tentomon said.
"It better have been nothing," Agumon said, "or you'll be joining them."
The conversation came to an abrupt halt when they heard strange caterwauling coming from the woods. Gatomon cocked her head and asked, "Hey, do you guys hear that? It sounds like...singing..."
Gomamon agreed.
"It sounds like they're singing...'we're going to be rich'," he said.
Agumon snapped his head around.
"What?" he cried. "That's impossible! No one was left!"
They all groaned as they saw the two figures skipping out of the forest into the sunlight. It was Team Rocket.
"Curses! We missed a couple," said Agumon.
"Easily rectified," Patamon assured him.
The digimon surrounded the dancing villains.
Suddenly, James stopped singing.
"Hey, Jessie," he said. She looked at him.
"Yeah?"
"Is it just me, or do we seem to be getting closer to the edge of the--"
"Cliff!!" they both yelled. They hugged each other as they plummeted through the air.
"Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off agaaaaaaain!"
The digimon watched as their last two rivals fell out of sight. Agumon tapped his ivory claws together.
"Excellent..." he hissed. "Excellent..."
* FIN *
Author's Note: Digimon, Pokémon, and their respective characters are copyrighted...the exact names of these companies they are copyrighted to escapes me at the moment, but, rest assured, it is not me. This story is completely a work of fiction, any resemblance to any actual events or persons, living or deceased, is purely coincidental. No wombats were harmed in the making of this fic. Thank you.
Regards, Diplomatic Pouch