Response to Challenge Four at 6dstargate
Things to be included
- Something must happen (I don't care how you do it!) which creates Daniel Jackson's evil twin.
- Teal'c must instruct aerobics in front of unwilling teenagers. He must also look like my gym teacher while doing this. Bonus points if you use The Step, extra bonus points if he's wearing spandex.
- The sentence "Noooooo! You can't dissect him! He's my friend! Go dissect your own digestive system!!" must be used by one of the four members of SG-1.
- General Hammond must do the macarena.
- Teal'c must learn a valuable lesson involving innuendo and double-entendres.
- Jack must learn about a place he never knew he had.
- You must make an individual reference to the following people (The reference must show that you know who these people *are* and things they've done/been in):
- Ewan McGregor,
- Jonathan Pryce,
- Tony Slattery,
- Clive Anderson,
- Michael Palin,
- Glenn Quinn,
- Andrew Creeggan,
- Jude Law, and
- Thorin Oakenshield.
Title: Size Isn't Everything
Author: Kernel Jack
Email: kernel.j@startrekmail.com
Approx Length: 4,128 words (11 pages)
Category: Humour/challenge response
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM, World Gekko Corp., and Double Secret Productions, alas they are not my own. This story is just a piece of nonsense created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it, how I could make money is beyond me, who'd pay to read it? No copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Please don't sue/prosecute, I have no money anyway so it won't do you much good. Copyrighted © Kernel Jack 2000. All rights reserved. Do not post this anywhere without my consent.
Season/Sequel: None.
Summary: Whilst on a planet Daniel is given a gift, a twin created using his own DNA. However bad things happen.
Teal'c walked determinedly into the room, shoulders back, head held high. His face showed no sign of the fear inside, 'though he was about to undergo the most terrifying ordeal imaginable he would not show it. They could not break him, he could get through this, if only he had some sort of weapon, but here he was, defenceless. He glanced down at his attire, it certainly didn't afford him much protection. No fear, that's what he must remember, if they knew he was afraid they'd have him.
Teal'c waited nervously and in they came, the enemy lined in formidable ranks, thirty hormone-driven, spot-covered teenagers. They stared at Teal'c as if he were an alien, which was a fair point really.
Their teacher introduced Teal'c to the class, explaining that he would only be taking this lesson. Then he asked Teal'c if he minded being left with the class whilst he went to cover another class. Fear gripped the back of Teal'c's throat, but he just gave a confident seeming nod. Then he was alone, with them. They were all about fourteen or fifteen, and here he was in front of them wearing spandex and looking exactly like Steph's gym teacher. How he knew that he looked like Steph's gym teacher he didn't know, who Steph was was another mystery, but these questions seemed unimportant considering the situation he was in.
Teal'c asked one of the girls to turn on the music, she stared petrified, unmoving, so he glanced at a more sensible looking girl who pushed past her friend and switched on the CD player. The teens eyed him warily as the music began, some of the boys attempted to look cool and disinterested, the rest just looked awkward and gangly. Several of the girls kept whispering and giggling. Teal'c took charge.
He opened his mouth to address them, hoping that the dry feeling at the back of his throat would not convey his fear, he must seem strong and confident. Just then one of the youths smiled at him and he felt strengthened, this wasn't so bad, they were children.
"What are you Vulcan or something?" One of the boys asked.
"He's from a galaxy far, far away, like Ewan MacGregor." One girl said. "Show us your light sabre sir." she snickered.
"I do not have a light sabre." He responded calmly
The girl laughed harder.
" Now, we will begin our aerobics." Teal'c glared at the girl, she looked slightly scared at that. That pleased him.
"Do we have to?" someone muttered
"Yes, we do. Now, I have some equipment that we shall use." Teal'c said producing a step.
"I like your equipment sir."
"Yeah, it's really nice equipment, can I have a closer look Sir?"
The girls all kept giggling, Teal'c didn't understand why at all.
"You will all be able to use the equipment." Teal'c stated.
Chaos ensued as the class disintegrated into hysterics. Teal'c soldiered on bravely, demonstrating how they should use the step. The whole class ignored him and kept laughing about equipment, and it being hard to get their leg over. Teal'c waited quietly summoning strength, then he demanded forcefully that they join in, there were a few mutters, but once they saw his face they all decided that obeying would be the wisest strategy. Despite his severe stance and no nonsense attitude Teal'c was still petrified, he continued the lesson hoping that none would see through his mask before the session ended, finally it was over, he hurried away and returned to the SGC without even bothering to change.
Teal'c walked back onto base in a daze, he was still confused by what had transpired, he sought out some more mature company. Sadly he was unable to find anyone except the other members of SG-1, he tried to avoid them, but it was too late, they spotted him. Anyway he'd have to face them sooner or later, and this whole thing was Jack's fault. He'd been the one who'd said that if Teal'c wanted to know more about the Tau'ri he should study their formative years, it was Jack who got him the job as a gym teacher.
"So, how'd it go Teal'c?" Jack asked innocently.
"It did not go well O'Neill."
"In what particular way."
"They laughed at me."
"Laughed, why?"
"I do not know. They appeared to find my equipment humorous."
"Your... Your... equipment?" Daniel said clearly trying to keep a straight face.
"Yes. I was showing them the step with which I wished them to work out. Some of the girls said that I had nice equipment and they hoped that they could try it out."
"And what did you say."
"I said there was enough for everyone and they could all try. Why are you laughing Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c looked around the room, Jack and Daniel had tears rolling down their faces, Sam was telling them off and telling them to stop being so juvenile but Teal'c could see that she was only just managing to keep from laughing herself.
"You look just like the class did, why are you doing this? Stop!"
Finally between laughs Jack and Daniel managed to explain to Teal'c the finer points of innuendo and double entendre.
"I see." Teal'c did not really see, he thought that they were all insane, and he was quite hurt that they kept laughing at him. He was pretty sure that Jack had persuaded him to go to the school simply because he knew that something like this would happen. Wounded he planned a counter attack on Jack, he had a long memory, it didn't need to be soon, one day he'd be sorry.
"Anyway enough of this, we have a mission. To P3-something-or-other to go look at those buildings and have a bit of a chinwag with the natives." Jack reminded them. "So grab your gear and lets move out. Oh, and Teal'c I think you might want to put on some clothes that are a little less... revealing" He laughed.
----------------------------------Later----------------------------------
SG-1 all sat around a table talking to the natives of P3-V1L, when the woman who seemed to have taken a shine to Daniel rose and directed their attention to a door.
"Daniel, we saw your loneliness, so we have made for you a companion. We took information from your own DNA to create a twin, the perfect companion."
Behind the door a shadow loomed, the door slid open to reveal a man standing about 2 feet tall.
"My, he's er, short." The ever-observant Jack pointed out.
The woman glared, annoyed at Jack for spoiling the moment. "Twins are not always identical".
Daniel didn't care, he was amazed, and delighted. "He's perfect, and just like me. I shall call him Diminutive Daniel."
"I'd call him Thorin myself." Jack commented.
Daniel scowled, Teal'c and Sam looked puzzled.
"You know, Thorin Oakenshield. The Dwarf." Jack explained to Sam and Teal'c. Both still looked confused.
"Oh for Crying out Loud Carter, Teal'c I understand, but you, didn't you ever read 'Lord of the Rings' in high school?"
"I studied Astrophysics in high school Sir."
"Ok, well clearly my references to classic texts are lost on you, just forget it. Anyway we really can't be hanging around here much longer, so get ready to move out."
As the team prepared to leave Daniel began explaining gate travel to DD.
"You're not planning on taking him back with us Daniel?" Jack looked shocked.
"Well I'm not going to leave him here. He's my compadre."
"But, there's something, not quite right about him." Jack insisted.
"Yeah, I agree, he seems a little odd." Sam joined in.
"Diminutive Daniel bites." Teal'c added.
"Et tu, Teal'c? And since when did you use terminology like bites? You've been spending way to much time around Jack."
"You misunderstand me Daniel Jackson, Diminutive Daniel bites, with his teeth." Teal'c showed the bite marks on his hands.
"Well, you must have provoked him or something, he just doesn't understand. Cultural differences, you can relate to that can't you Teal'c? I'm sure he'll be fine once he settles in."
"Yeah, either that or he'll take someone's arm off as a mid morning snack." Jack muttered.
Diminutive Daniel growled at Jack.
Back on Earth Daniel and DD began bonding. Daniel had never felt so close to anyone in his life. They connected so easily, but everyone else wasn't quite so happy.
"I was wrong when I said he was like Thorin, he's more like that newspaper magnet that Jonathan Pryce played in 'Tomorrow Never Dies'."
"Magnate, you mean?" Sam said.
"Yeah, magnet, that's what I said."
"Anyway, in what ways exactly is he like him?"
"Well he's evil. And.. and.. Well, I don't know, the analogy wasn't meant to be looked at too deeply, it was just a passing comment, must you criticise everything I say?"
"It doesn't really matter, he's the Anti-Jackson or something. He's just plain evil!" General Hammond exclaimed. "I caught him trying to eat a cat earlier."
"A cat? What was a cat doing on base?" Janet asked, confused. "That's a health hazard."
"I don't know, I was going to ask about that too, but that's not the point, the point is he shouldn't have been trying to eat it."
Sam avoided everyone's gaze, only happy that Schrodinger II had been saved from being eaten. She changed the subject to avoid anyone realising she had a cat on base. "He attacks people, I think he may be mentally unhinged."
"Can't we just send him back where he came from?" Jack asked.
"Well that's the problem, where exactly did he come from? I mean he's a part of Daniel isn't he? So theoretically he came from here." Janet pointed out.
"Yeah, but his mind, that didn't come from Daniel... Did it?"
"I don't know, our thoughts are a product of nature and nurture, but in the case of the anti-Jackson he didn't really have any time to have any nurture, it goes against everything we know, I mean, where did the knowledge he have come from? He was cloned, but cloning should just create a being, not something with knowledge and adult capacities. It's fascinating really, I'd love to examine him further and find out what makes him tick."
"I'm glad someone's happy with him, I'd just like him far from here. Anyway why is he so small?"
"I haven't the faintest idea Colonel."
The emergency board meeting ended then, and Dr. Fraiser went off to find Daniel and the anti-Jackson.
"Hi Daniel, I wonder if I could borrow the Ant... er Diminutive Daniel from you for a minute? I just want to run some tests on him, find out what he is exactly."
"Noooooo! You can't dissect him! He's my friend! Go dissect your own digestive system!!" Daniel screamed.
"Daniel! Calm down! I do not dissect people." Janet soothed, mentally adding to herself *even when they are maniacal midgets bent on world domination. However much I'd like to.*
"Oh, sorry Doc." Daniel said sheepishly.
So Janet and Daniel took the anti Jackson to the infirmary, he behaved himself fine whilst Daniel was there, as usual, as soon as Daniel left he began his usual biting and attacking. At least Jack wasn't around, for some reason he really had something against Jack, it seemed to make him incredibly happy to keep trying to kill him. In fact one way she kept him calm whilst he was being tested was to give him a pad of paper and a pencil and let him draw Jack dying horrible gruesome deaths.
Janet assembled all of the interested parties together so that she could tell them her findings.
"Well, he certainly has Daniel's DNA. It seems that physically he is some sort of clone of Daniel."
"Ok, we pretty much guessed that. Did you find out anything remotely helpful?" Colonel O'Neill interrupted.
"Yes, actually I did."
"You did? Great. What?"
"Well Colonel, if you'd kindly stop interrupting I might be able to tell you." Janet glared at him and Jack got the message and kept quiet.
"From what I can gather this creature is a corporeal entity separate to Daniel, however this was not always the case. Have you noticed anything different about Daniel?"
"No, not really."
"Well, I know he's always nice, and helpful, and friendly, but he's even more so now, have you noticed that since the arrival of the anti-Jackson he has not said a single bad word? He's generous and loving towards everything. It's almost as if all of his negative feelings and actions have gone."
"What are you saying Doctor?"
"I think that somehow the anti-Jackson is a personification of Daniel's anger and hate."
"But surely he can't have that much?"
"Well, maybe that's why he's so small."
"A lot of the anger seems to be directed at the Colonel." Sam commented.
"Yes, I was just getting to that. I think Daniel has some unresolved anger towards the Colonel, normally this anger is repressed, but in AJ it's all free and is expressed by the Anti-Jackson in attempts to kill him."
"Great, so Daniel wants to kill me?"
"No, a part of Daniel seems to have homicidal intent towards you."
"What have I ever done to make him want to kill me?"
"Daniel himself probably doesn't want to kill you really, he's just annoyed about some things. I mean you get annoyed with the people you care about. It's not that he hates you. You for example act out your aggression by being sarcastic, Daniel usually internalises it, however now the Anti Jackson expresses it."
"I do not use sarcasm as a means of aggression."
"Oh, really?" Janet was the only one who spoke, but the whole room were clearly in agreement with her, Teal'c's eyebrow raised.
Jack looked ready to comment more, but General Hammond moved the conversation on.
"So how do we fix this Doctor Fraiser?"
"I'm really not sure Sir."
"Great, so we get to keep the homicidal maniac." Jack spoke again, temporarily distracted from the accusation of his aggressive sarcasm.
"If these thoughts came from Daniel initially do you think he's still controlling the Anti-Jackson subconsciously?" Sam queried.
"That's entirely possible, we could find that out somehow. Maybe if we separate them, and interact with Daniel in ways to produce a certain response and see what the Anti-Jackson does."
"Ok, then, that's what we'll do. First we will have to get them apart and have people monitoring each of them. What would be the best thing to do?"
"Well we could try doing things that would usually aggravate Daniel, and then see if the Anti-Jackson gets more aggressive." Jack suggested.
"That sounds a little dangerous, son." Hammond responded.
"Not necessarily, if he's in a controlled environment it should be safe." Dr Fraiser pointed out.
"Ok, then, it is possible though that the anger shown would be directed at someone specific, how would we have the focus of the anger in the same place as the Anti-Jackson and Daniel at the same time?"
"We wouldn't necessarily need to. Someone could tell Daniel, Jack's done or said something, then we see whether AJ acts more aggressively towards him."
"Er, me? Why me?"
"Well, we've already seen that he's aggressive towards you."
"Exactly. Wouldn't it therefore be better if you used someone he had no aggressive feelings towards and see whether he suddenly becomes angry."
"Well, I guess you have a point there." Sam said disappointed, she wanted O'Neill to face the angry AJ.
"I would like to volunteer to be the object of The Anti-Jackson's aggressive feelings." Teal'c offered.
"Thanks Teal'c, that'd be good, after all you can probably fight him off better than anyone else."
Thus a plan was formulated. The team went off to find the two Daniels. Jack found Daniel in his office.
"Hey, Daniel, where's Glenn?"
"Who?"
"You know, your little Glenn Quinn character."
"Huh?"
"From Angel, the TV show, he's a half demon thing."
"DD isn't a demon." Daniel said, calmly, with no hint of anger.
"No, no, course not, sorry. Anyway, where is he?"
"I'm not sure, I think he went to have some sleep."
"Right, right, good."
Just then Sam put her head round the door. "Oh, there you are Colonel. Everything's set, They're in place."
"Ok, thanks Carter."
Sam left.
"What was that about?" Daniel enquired.
"Oh, nothing, just some sort of experiment Carter was doing."
"Right. Ok then."
"Er Daniel?"
"Yes."
"There was something I needed to tell you."
"What is it Jack?"
"That video you set to record... what was it, that comedy thing with Tony Slattery and Clive Anderson."
"Whose line is it anyway?"
"Yeah, that's the one. Well you know how you didn't know what happened to it?"
"It was you?"
"No, no, not me. It was Teal'c. He wanted to know what tapes look like inside, so he took it apart."
"Teal'c."
"Yeah, sorry."
"Oh, well, it's ok, can't be helped."
"Yeah, but didn't you really want to watch that?"
"Yeah, it wasn't important."
"Oh, ok then. Teal'c was also the one who broke that vase of yours."
"I thought that was you."
"No, no, it was Teal'c, he was demonstrating some sort of Jaffa art that seemed to involve smashing things."
"Oh. Well, it was an accident I'm sure."
"No, he did it on purpose, thought you wouldn't mind."
"No, well, I don't really."
"Ok, well I'll be off now."
Jack went to see how the experiment worked. He met Teal'c coming the other way, there was no need to ask if AJ had responded as expected, Teal'c was covered in teeth marks. The two of them went to meet everyone and discuss future plans.
"Ok, so now what do we do? Keep being nice to Daniel so he has no aggressive thoughts?" Sam said.
"No, way, I can't control everything I say in case his maniacal alter ego goes berserk." Jack said.
"Yeah, you have a point there, well for now you'd best stay out of his way Sir. Tell you what, you could go watch a nice Michael Palin travel programme. That'll be nice and relaxing, nothing too strenuous, he just goes on and on and on. There's one starting in about 5 minutes."
"I'd rather watch that music programme, Andrew Creegan's on it today, I like "Barenaked Ladies", but it's academic really as I don't have a TV and I think people were watching GATTACA in the lounge, but I'm not a big fan of Jude Law."
"What's wrong with Jude Law? He's cool, anyway you do have a TV, you probably never fetched it from your storage locker."
"What storage locker?"
"With loads of things in like a TV, extra pens, towels etc. Everyone has one, they're by the locker rooms."
"Well I never, that's a place I never knew I had. I'll check it out later. Right now I think I ought to do something productive."
No plans for getting rid of AJ as such had yet been formulated, so to keep him placated everyone was taking it in turns to spend time with Daniel doing things that would make him feel as unaggressive as possible. Whilst this was going on Carter and Doctor Fraiser worked on a cure and SG-9 had gone back to P3-V1L to try to get the inhabitants to help. Everyone was beginning to get on each others nerves though and AJ started getting more aggressive, suddenly General Hammond seemed to come up with something which was so shocking and strange that everyone in the room just felt far to confused to be aggressive, he started dancing the Macerena. The strangest thing was that music started playing through the intercom, had this been some sort of plan of General Hammond's all along? Or had someone somehow predicted that this would happen? Had Hammond been waiting for a chance to demonstrate his finely tuned dance skills? Nobody knew, and nobody had the courage to ask, or for that matter to do anything except gawp. Finally General Hammond stopped through sheer exhaustion, and everyone remained silent in a state of shock.
Just then SG-9 returned from P3-V1L and at the same time Doctor Fraiser came in to say that something strange had happened, and AJ seemed to have got several inches shorter. Daniel and Teal'c were left alone whilst SG-9 reported to the others about what they had found out. Apparently they didn't understand why they would not be happier now that their Daniel had no aggression. They said that if Daniel was in an environment where he felt no negative feelings at all then eventually in time DD would disappear from existence. If after that Daniel felt negative feelings again they should once more be internalised as the external receiver for them had gone.
They tried various methods of doing this like sending Daniel on one of those retreats where you can "find" yourself, this didn't have the desired effect, in fact the Anti Jackson began becoming more aggressive and wanting to destroy anyone who looked serene.
When the inhabitants of P3-V1L were pressed further they said there was a way to reintegrate the two. They simply needed to put both Daniel and AJ in a Sarcophagus, the Sarcophagus realises that the two are in fact just one person and fixes them by bonding them back into the original shape dictated by the DNA. Perfect, aside from the minor hitch of not having a Sarcophagus, and the problem of Daniel's sarcophagus addiction, tempting fate seemed like a bad idea.
The team took AJ to P3-V1L again, to plead for some help in fixing the problem that had been created, they were welcomed back with open arms, though the inhabitants were still sad that they wanted to reintegrate the two, the woman that had initially separated them spoke to Jack.
"But, your friend is better now, he has no aggression, he can remain calm and placid all of the time, and as a bonus you have an aggressive creature that could be used to fight your enemies."
"But the little guy is psychotic. He's not right in the head, and as for Daniel, I feel like there's something wrong, it's not like he's naturally placid, it's like he's been drugged or something to make him act a certain way, that's just not right. I want him acting however he would normally, not incapable of feeling anger."
"Well, it's up to Daniel, I really don't see the problem, but if he agrees to do it we can put them back together."
"Daniel has to agree?"
"Yes, of course, we would not allow you to do anything to your friend against his will."
The fact that Daniel might not agree hadn't occurred to Jack before, but now he was a little scared. Fortunately he didn't need to be for long, he talked to Daniel and once he had explained that DD was a part of him, and that he really was hurting people Daniel in his unaggressive state accepted this and realised it would be better if they were rejoined.
Daniel and AJ were put into this chamber thing and some lights flashed, it looked suspiciously like some sort of Star Trek device, but there was lots of smoke, so no one could see how it was done. When Daniel stepped out he seemed himself, the old Daniel, and acted the same as normal. The inhabitants of P3-V1L informed them that there was a subtle difference, because he had been two entities it was not possible without a sarcophagus to restore him exactly to normal, they had in effect shrunk AJ and placed him inside Daniel with his brain interlocking into Daniel's. Effectively he had an inner child, well not really a child, more a kind of evil, however the effect of this inner anti Jackson had the same outward appearance as a normal Daniel with positive and negative emotions and the presence of the second being was undetectable by any method. So pretty soon the whole event was forgotten.
The team returned to Earth, however Jack had a nasty shock waiting for him. General Hammond had an urgent message that Jack had agreed to teach a drama and dance class at the high school Teal'c had been to. Jack protested but the General refused to listen.
"You've made a commitment, son. I can't have you backing out now."
Jack left the mountain dreading what was in store for him in the double length session at the school, as he left he caught a glimpse of Teal'c with what he was sure was a wicked gleam in his eyes, and just the hint of an evil smile.
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