Title: Guilt Ridden
Author: Augustana Rae
Rating: R (umm, again may be overrated, but there is some swearing and some sex even though it's not very explicit. I guess I just reread it and think I wouldn't want my son or daughter reading this.)
Disclaimer: I don't own them, not making any money… yada yada
Summary: Max is upset with herself after leaving Logan's, post "Kidz," and decides to punish herself.
Author's notes: Just something short and very possible. I was reading all the L/M fics and I wish they would just get together, but that's never gonna happen for a long time! Anyhow, this is kinda more realistic and is just a moment in time in Max's head. Poor girl.
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The rain sloshes down around me, in that horrible state between real rain and hail. I don't really care. The stinging is annoying but it doesn't hurt. I wish it did. I feel like I should be punished for walking away again. I can never be what he wants me to be. That's just not who I am. I shift and speed up into the blackness of the night, willing myself to be swallowed up in the abyss and let everyone forget me. And let my tortured soul rest. I can't see very well through the hazy storm, but I'm not really concentrating on the road anyways. If an oncoming car hits me it will be a blessing to this world.
My hair is becoming matted down and flops awkwardly in the cold wind. It's starting to freeze, to turn into ice like the rest of me already is. I feel my body growing numb, inside and out, and I no longer notice the ends of my icy hair whipping into my face as I accelerate even faster. What the hell is wrong with me? I drive forever in endless circles, desperate to search for meaning somewhere, not wanting to go home. To do so would be to acknowledge there was no hope for me. I think there's something in me that wards people away. Maybe I'm incapable of love. I grip the handles in frustration as I try to hold back tears. I never cry. What the fuck is wrong with me?
The rain continues as it always does in my life. I'll probably get pulled over by the police. Good. I drive through a town I don't know. I don't think I've ever been here before. I pass a dumpy looking bar and on impulse roar up, elicting stares from a few of the men hanging in the doorway. Good.
I park and saunter in, my anger simmering on the inside and I glance around noting the hungry looks I am drawing. At least someone wants me. I sit down at the bar and order a beer. The liquid won't actually cause me to feel anything but I'd like to try anyways. The first guy to amble over looks heartbreakingly like him with the glasses and the hair… I turn away in disgust. I can't look at that all night.
Another guy buys me my second beer and he smiles kinda slimy like, his dark hair greased back, his eyes crazy. He is young and looks viable. How picky could I be? As we walk out of the bar he puts his arm around me and I fight hard to keep from cringing. I deserve this. We walk to his hotel room, a weasley old dump across the street, and he is pressed against me as soon as he turns the key, his clumsy hands grouping, his breathe reeking of alcohol.
Our teeth clack together and the feeling of disdain spreads further, yet my guilt overrides it. His hands are rough and calloused, his touch abrasive, hurting me even though it is not possible for me to be hurt. We are on the floor between pizza boxes and porno magazines and he doesn't even wait for all our clothes to come off. As he pushes into me I cry out and he smiles at my seeming passion.
I close my eyes and see Logan's face contorted, masking his pain, and that is even more painful than the man above me. I open my eyes, unable to bear that torture, and focus on the dull ceiling. Every thrust is a painful reminder of all I can't give him and all that I've done to disappoint him. I can never be with him. I'm not like him. I try to forget, but the man takes forever and when he is finally spent he lays heavily on me, his breathing coming with difficulty. He tries to kiss me on the temple and this is the worst of all. I lie there, my hair melting in a puddle around me, and try not to cry.
This is what I have picked. I can never deserve him. There is a snoring next to my ear and I grimace. I feel filthy and violated, unclean in so many ways. But it doesn't matter. If I'm not with him, nothing matters. And he doesn't need me. He doesn't want me. I finally let the tears come, and they rush out. I try to stifle my sobs but find I can't move. The dead weight is pinning me down and my stomach contracts in fear as I realize I've lost control and have no idea what I am doing. I truly am a lost soul.
I visualize his face involuntarily and want to vomit. I am so stupid. How could I have been so stupid? The tears come again and I know I've gotten what I've deserved. And I didn't deserve him at all. This is what is left for the dregs of society. Why did I ever think there could be more than pain? That is all I know. I stare at the ceiling for eternity. The gray walls have more subsistence than I do. I am empty without him. There's only the pain.
Fin??