Title: Guilt Ridden (part 2)
Author: Augustana Rae, AugustanaRae@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I'm not making any money. Don't sue me.
Rating: This part's PG-13
Summary: Max realizes the consequences of her actions.
Notes: I'm not sure how much I like this and if I don't want to leave the other part alone but I figured, hey, what the hell! J I can always delete it anyways if you all send me flames! Also, if someone wants to beta for me that would be appreciated. My stories currently aren't and probably should be, so drop me a line if you're interested! Thanks so much!
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I stare at the little white thing. It has to be wrong. It has to. I shake my head in denial as anger and despair well up inside me. It's blue. Fear joins the swirl of emotions that overtake me as I throw the plastic against the wall and it shatters into my face. I start to cry and sink to the floor. What has become of me? I'm a mess in the woman's bathroom. I pray no one else comes in and sees me like this. What the hell am I going to do? What the hell have I done? I've ruined everything.
Sob after sob escapes me as I double over in pain. Not like this. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I cry and cry. After an eternity the tears go away as if I've used them all up. I sniff and wipe my eyes with toilet paper, attempting to harden my resolve, and my features become a mask once more. I try to wait a minute to get the glassy look out of my eyes, but I know Normal will be on my ass if I take any longer. I quiver a little on my first step but gather myself and wander out hoping to appear confident.
"You alright?" Normal asks me as he hands me a brown envelope. Isn't he the caring friend.
"Yeah, just got something in my eye," I say half-heartedly as I brush by trying not to meet his eyes. I hop on my bike and my feet move mechanically. I feel like I'm not even here. Everything is hazy and a fog has settled over my brain. I make the run and barely notice as a car whizzes by and honks its horn at me. I blink and keep on riding, vaguely remembering that I'm supposed to go back to work.
I make the turn to head back and suddenly there he is in front of me and I am jolted from my haziness. I've only seen him a few times since then and the meetings have always been formal and somewhat strained. He doesn't trust me anymore. And here he is in his righteous glory, looking at me with concern in those crystal eyes of his, making me want to melt with joy and be hit with lightning for my infidelities at the same time.
"Hey," he says in that way he does. My heart breaks as I am hit with the reality of all I've done to him and how I don't even deserve to be talking to him.
"Hey," I repeat, averting my eyes. Looking at him gives me too much pain. How could I have disappointed him so bad?
"You alright?" His words echo Normal's from not that long ago but this time they seem accusatory and I feel as if a knife has just cut into me.
"Yeah." I know he doesn't believe me by the look in his eyes. The thread of fear that had been festering flares up in my stomach as he inches closer.
"Right." So he won't even argue. It would have been better if he did. At least I would've known that he cares. Instead he just thinks I'm a lying whore. And he doesn't even know how true that is.
"I gotta blaze, I got work to do," I reply, trying to get away desperately. It pains me too much to even be near him and see the disapproval and disappointment in his face. Why did I always screw everything up?
He lets me go, watching with sadness etched into his features and I don't blame him. I ride down the street and try not to look back and try not to cry. I can't let him see me cry. I don't deserve to be upset. I don't deserve anything. I don't go back to work and find myself in front of my crib again more out of habit then out of actual effort. I turn on the shower and sink down on the floor, letting the hot water run over me, trying to get clean. I let my tears mingle with the water as I hug myself. How could I have screwed things up so bad again? I don't deserve to be alive. The water is too hot for comfort, but I shouldn't get that priviledge. I sit there forever. For the first time in my life I have no idea what to do.
What do ya think? Too much? Too little? Should I go on? (Review me please! J)