Talk Show
AUTHOR: Taramisu
E-MAIL: taramisu@channelingboards.com
SUMMARY: Several characters find themselves mysteriously on a wild talk show. This is a BtVS/Angel/Charmed/Quantum Leap/Farscape/Invisible Man/7th Heaven crossover.
CATEGORY: Sillyfic
RATING: PG for language
Part 2
"Welcome to a special Jenny Springer!" Buffy emerged from the blackness and into a studio. Her head looked around frantically, trying to figure out where the hell she was, how she got here, and if she was in any danger. Out in front of her was a blinding light, but just beyond, she could see people. They all sat in chairs, applauding.
"Today, we will meet some people with serious problems. Drunk parents? No."
Xander sat right next to Buffy, even more confused. "Then what am I doing here?"
"Juvenile delinquent children? No way. Their parents slept with their children? Not this time. Our guests today are…" What appeared to be a studio audience began to chant together, "humans who love non-mortals or evil beings."
An older woman, blonde, with a very stylish dress suit emerged from the wings and the audience began to applaud again. "So, sit back and enjoy this special edition of Jenny Springer!"
The Slayer looked immediately to her sides as the lights dimmed to a bearable level. What she saw caused relief and distress. Scattered around the huge stage were a horde of people sitting in chairs, all of whom look as confused and misplaced as herself. Thankfully, she spotted Willow, Oz, Cordelia and Anya. But rather disturbingly, sitting a few people away, were Spike, Angel, and Riley. She immediately checked her clothing. Yup. All stocked with stakes and ready to go…should the need arise. Aside from those she recognized, there were six other couples. "Xander," Buffy whispered. "I don't know what the hell is going on, but we're gettin' out of here."
"I don't know, Buffy, this kind of sounds like fun." Buffy suppressed the overwhelming urge to knock him out. "Just sit back and enjoy the show." His lips parted to reveal a very Xander smile.
"I don't like this one bit." Before she could confront Willow, the lights came back up and cheesy music played in the background. More applause drowned out her screaming to the red headed witch.
"Our first couple tonight is a sweet one. Will you all please welcome," Jenny Springer looked down at her notes, "Willow and Oz." The crowd applauded once again. A spot light settled on one very nervous Pagan and a very not nervous boy. "So, you two lovebirds, how did you meet?"
"Well,
you see…we kind of…" Willow was near tears, and wringing her hands.
She had no idea what was going on. Buffy was way over on the other
side of the room, and where in the Goddess' name was Tara? Oz laid
one hand on hers and gave her that look…the look that lent her his strength
and unflappableness.
"It's kind of a funny story, you see…"
Jenny, obviously getting a bit anxious for some juicy stuff rudely interrupted the boy. "Isn't it true, Oz, that you are a…Werewolf?!" The audience gasped.
"Well, yeah. But the other 28 days of the month I'm all human."
"A-and, we're not even together any more."
Buffy, feeling the weight of her friend's embarrassment on her shoulders blurted out, "Yeah! Now she's in love with a wonderful witch!"
"Don't help, Buffy." Willow's Evil-Eye shot across the stage. A groaning sound eminated from the audience, showing their desire for a fight. "If you want to talk about strange love interests, then you should talk to Xander over there. Yeah! He's in love with a vengeance demon."
Gasp!
"Thanks, Willow. What is this every man for himself?'
"Hey, you said you were having fun." Buffy snickered just a bit.
"Yes, what about you, Xander and Anya?" The spot light focused on the close couple.
Anya
couldn't help but open her mouth. Being the center of attention never
did bother her. "Yes, I am the," she looked over at the beings in
the room, attempting to gauge the accuracy of her next statement, "oldest
one here. I'm over a thousand years old, and an ex-demon."
She emphasized 'ex' while Xander buried his head in his jacket. "All
that experience sure comes in handy in the bedroom, eh, Xan?" She
nudged him with her elbow, and he drove his face further into his clothing.
"Hey! How'd you become a human?!" The spot light moved onto the large, handsome male who was now standing. A petite and pretty girl at his side mimicked Xander's pose.
"Yes, Cole and Phoebe. Let's hear a bit from you two. Phoebe is a witch, it says here, and your beau, Cole is a half-breed demon. Well, you certainly don't look demon."
Cole
let Belthazar show instantaneously and the crowd roared in excitement.
"Do you have to do that, dear?" Phoebe pulled on his
sleeve, trying to yank him back into his seat.
"It seems that you were sent to kill Phoebe and her two sisters, but you fell in love and were unable to do the deed."
Awwwww.
"So, tell us. What made you fall in love with your target?"
"Target? I don't know. I just did. Come on Phoebe, we're getting out of here." Before he could shimmer, a small, pathetic voice stopped him.
"You're a half-demon? Did…did you happen to know a man named Doyle?" Cordelia meandered over to the man who moments ago sported a hideous, red face. He smiled and looked around for a second. "No, why?" Her smile dropped and pain came inevitably to her face.
"Because Cordelia was in love with a half-demon named Doyle!" Jenny obviously felt the need to put her two cents in.
Ooooooh!
"But
he's dead, now." Before she could shed a single tear, Angel sprinted
to her side and put his arm around her shoulder. With the spot light
on him already, Jenny turned the audience's attention to the vampire.
"Ah, and Angel. Angel here is a 248 year old vampire with a soul. Let's hear it for this endearing and sexy demon."
The audience applauded louder than ever and some cat calls emanated from the rowdy group. Angel forced a smile and barely waved. "It says here that you had a torrid love affair with the Vampire Slayer!"
Gasp!
"Yes,
Jenny. Now if you don't let us out of here, I'm going to string your
intestines around your neck and…"
"Angel!!" Buffy rose and shot Willow's Evil-Eye over to the vampire.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."
Heartfelt applause.
"This is a lovely moment. But we were all brought here against our will and you will release us."
"There are still more couples to meet, so don't go anywhere. We'll be back right after this message from our sponsors."
The lights dimmed and Jenny stalked over to the Slayer. "Listen here little girl. You may be used to fighting the things that go bump in the night, but I am a star! Do you know what that means in Hollywood?"
"That you're a stuck up bitch with a bug the size of an emu up your ass?"
"NO! It means I always get what I want. You…all of you, will finish this show." Jenny and Buffy stood, nose to nose for what seemed like forever.
The lights came back up and the applause returned. Buffy just sat back in her seat, wondering where she went wrong with her life.
"Before the break, we met Angel, the vampire with a soul. But we have yet to meet Angel's prodigal son. Let's hear it for Spike!"
Applause.
"What
the bleedin' hell do I have to do with any of this?!" Spike stood
and his long leather duster got caught on his chair and knocked it over.
"According to my sources, you are in love with the same Slayer."
Gasp!
"So, Spike. When did you stop trying to kill her and end up falling in love instead? Was it before or after your father broke up with Buffy?"
All three ended up standing, each for their own reasons.
"Listen here, you soddin' cow. First of all, don't call that nancyboy my father. Second, I've loved the Slayer longer than she'll ever know. But she'll never love me back because she doesn't think that I can change! I spend every waking moment trying to find new ways to prove to her that I am worthy of her, but she just casts me aside as so much garbage."
At this, Cole approached him and offered his condolences. "Man, I know exactly what you're going through. I started off wanting to kill Phoebe, but I fell madly in love with her. It took a LOT of convincing to get her and her sisters to trust me. Just, keep trying." Spike's eyes filled with wonder and understanding and the two demons walked off to the back of the stage together, lost in conversation.
Buffy shook her head to clear out the images of Spike's continued attempts to woo her. "Oh, great! This is just what I needed. Thanks, Jenny!"
"Hey, now. If he reverts to his old ways and kills you, tell your family not to bother suing. I have a great lawyer," Jenny snarled at the blonde.
Buffy began to resume her seat when a little voice reached her ears. "Spike loves you?" She turned to see Angel's face twisted in disgust.
"That's what he says. I can't slay him with that chip in his head. Can you do it for me?" Buffy's face lapsed evil for just a second.
Laughter.
"It wasn't meant to be funny." The Slayer looked out at the audience in frustration.
"Next, I want to introduce you to Phoebe's sister and her husband: Piper and Leo."
Applause.
"Now, Leo is a Whitelighter: a being sent to protect and guide witches. Why don't you tell us about the Whitelighter who stole your mother away from her mortal husband?"
"I
don't think so." Piper looked up at Leo and he understood without
words what she was communicating. In a blaze of blue and white lights,
the couple was gone.
"Well, they sure do know how to make an exit."
Laughter.
Suddenly, from the center of the stage, a woman screamed out in agony, clutching her head. All eyes turned to see Cordelia lying on the floor, writhing in pain. "It's a...a...big...massacre. Blood...and..."
Just then, a female gasp lofted through the studio. The eyes all shifted over to Phoebe, whose own eyes were closed, as she clutched her wooden chair. "...blood. I see an older woman surrounded by demons and vampires. I see a fight to the death. I see..."
Angel hurried over to Cordelia while Cole carefully approached Phoebe. With one hand on their female's shoulder, they exclaimed in unison, "What else do you see?"
And in unison, the women responded, "Can't you see I'm in the middle of a vision?! Give me a minute!"
Jenny spoke to herself softly, wondering where her producers found the freaks that tended to gravitate to her show. The spot light started to roam around the room. "Now, let's see. Who is next?" The spot light settled on a gorgeous man. His hair was dark and he had a small lock of white hair in the front. His companion was short and sweet, looking terrified.
"Sam and Alia."
"But,
I'm not evil. I swear!" Alia started to cry, but Sam held her
tight and whispered something in her ear.
"But you were, Alia. Sam has been leaping through time, putting right what once went wrong, and you were doing the exact opposite, weren't you?"
"I can't be here. If Lothos finds me, I'm…" she began to weep.
"You know my name?" Sam looked puzzled at the host.
"Well, sure. You're right here on my card."
"Oh, boy." Sam looked around frantically screaming for his hologram. "Al! Al!!!"
"Okay. Let's move on then." Jenny shot a worried look at the couple.
"John Crichton and Aeryn Sun!"
"What
the frell is going on here, John?!"
"I figure it's another hallucination. Scorpius will be along any minute now. So, keep a close look out."
Aeryn sharply turned to the host and snarled. "Look. I'm not a demon, vampire or any other dren you can come up with. I'm Sebacean, just like the rest of you."
"Actually, we're all human and you're an alien." Jenny's arms flew out, motioning toward the lovely, dark woman all dressed in black leather.
Gasp!
"Well, who else is he supposed to fall in love with? He wasn't exactly near Earth. Hey, wait a minute. Is that where we are?"
"Don't believe it for a microt, Aeryn. It's all a dream, heee haaa!!!"
"Maybe we'll have you back next week when we have practicing mad scientists on. I'm sure one of them will offer to take the chip out that's embedded in your brain." Jenny smiled at the audience.
The peroxide blonde vampire tore himself away from his in depth conversation with Cole and stormed toward Jenny and John. "You've got a bloody chip in your head too?! Cor, this is just amazing. When he gets 'is out, can I get mine out too?!"
"And now for our next couple of the evening. Mary and Robby. Welcome, kids."
"Are
you saying that Robby is evil? Because he's not. He's changed.
Robby is a good and decent…"
"No, Mary. He's the normal human. You're the evil one."
Mary bust out crying. "I want to go back to Buffalo." She put her head on Robby's chest and he just sat there, with bugged eyes.
Awwwww.
"Hey, you stupid bint! I asked you a bloody question. Now, either you help me get this thing out of my head, or…"
A dark haired, moderately attractive man, who had been quiet up until now, stood and made himself known. "Yeah, uh, I'd like to get in on that brain surgery too! Can they take out a gland, and, where do I sign up?"
"Darien Fawkes, ladies and gentlemen. He is a human in love with an evil, biological freak: Allianora."
Darien
pointed his finger at Jenny, "Hey, now! Don't be callin' her names
like that. She's not a freak. Especially not in this room.
Hell! We're the most normal people here."
"She's right, Fawkes. I am evil, and I am a freak." The sexy, Latin woman stood to cross over to Jenny, but Darien shot her the Evil-Eye that was going around. "Oh, alright. I won't drown her on live TV. Does that make you happy?"
"Absolutely."
"Do any of our audience members have a question for this esteemed panel?"
Many trashy people held up their hands and made barnyard animal grunts. Jenny seemed to choose her volunteer randomly.
"Yes, you sir." Jenny thrust the microphone in front of the man's face.
"My question is for Boffie, the Vampire Slayer."
"Hey! It's Buffy!"
"Whatever. Why are you attracted to vampires when you're supposed to be killin' em?"
The audience roared with affirmation to their peer's question.
The last panel member stood. He was tall, shapely and definitely handsome. He had a deceptive innocence about him. "Yeah, Boffie. That's what I'd like to know."
"This, dear audience, is Riley. He is Buffy's former lover. But now, he pays vampires for sex and a good bleeding."
"HEY!
That's none of your business!"
Angel tore through the shocked look on his face and let out with a giggle.
Buffy finally gave in and buried her head in the same manner as Xander before her. She began mumbling something about this being worse than facing Glory.
Riley ran toward the giggling vampire, stake in hand. The audience responded by egging on the military boy. Angel sensed the attack. He spun around at an inhuman speed, deftly disarming him while simultaneously sweeping the legs out from under his would-be attacker. Spike threw his head back and laughed a deep, sensual laugh.
"What's so funny, boy?" Now Angel's attention was focused on his childe. "You think you're good enough for Boffie….I mean Buffy?" They threw themselves at each other. The fight was nothing but a flash of fangs and skin.
Buffy rose once again. "Hey now! It's Buffy. BUFFY!!!"
In the background, the audience had started chanting, "Jenny, Jenny, Jenny!"
Darien took Allianora's hand, and the couple melted into a metalic color, then disappeared into thin air. When they reappeared, they were standing right before Jenny Springer. "Now, about that surgeon…"
The fight between Riley, Angel and Spike raged in the background, while the remaining humans and their non-mortals or evil beings, retreated. Cole took Phoebe and shimmered back to the manor. John and Aeryn went back to talk to the host about a surgeon. Mary went to call her dad for a lift. Sam started talking to thin air, calling it 'Al', then he and Alia disappeared into a blinding light, just missing the chair that was hurdling toward them.
Just Buffy and her gang were left. The Slayer decided to stick out the fight and take home who ever was left standing. At this point, she didn't care who won, just as long as her or her friends didn't get hurt.
She looked to her left and saw Jenny take the spot light.
"Now for Jenny's final words. Love is a magical
thing. Love, pure and unadulterated, can give us the meaning to life
that we crave. But when we find that love in a creature of the night…"
The speech was promptly interrupted with Buffy's right fist. At that,
The Slayer found herself…
"Buffy! Xander! Anya! Where did you go? Where did…what…"
"I'm never dating again." With that, the slight
blonde stomped out of the Magic Box.