Disclaimer: I don't own any of it, please don't sue me.
They: Hello again, I am They, and I am the They they say says They says they say. It's time for Hollywood Squares Death Match! We have with us: Barbara Streisand! Lassie! Leonardo DiCaprio! Jenny Jones! Hillary Clinton! Britney Spears! Aaron Carter! Austin Powers! And last of all, Whoopi Goldberg! Our contestants today are Trah and Carbon-Based Biped!
T: Hiya!
CBB: Cheers!
They: Let's get on with the show! Who won the coin toss backstage?
CBB: I did!
T: No I did, you (bleep)!
CBB: (Bleep)! What a minute…How come I can't swear? All I hear is a bleeping noise!
They: It's TV. Now we'll do another coin toss.
:::Flips coin, and T and CBB jump up and over They trying to catch it:::
CBB and T: (Bleep)ing son of a (bleep) (bleep) you to the tenth level of (bleep)! (bleep)(bleep)(BLEEP!) this stupid (bleep)ed bleeping (bleep)ing sound!
They: And it's heads!
T: I had heads!
CBB: No I did!
They: I HAD HEADS SO I GO FIRST!!!
T and CBB: Ok.
They: I choose Whoopi Goldberg because if I don't I'll get fired!
:::Applause:::
WG: It's my goddamn show so I have to be the first to go!
T: How come she gets to swear and we don't?
WG: Shut up. What's the question?
They: A study of Trah and Carbon-Based Biped's sanity shows that 90% of their thoughts are centered on what?
WG: Fanfiction.net.
They: I…agree. The answer is…
T and CBB: NOTHING! WE DON'T HAVE MINDS!
They: So Y gets the square.
CBB: So…um…how come it's called Hollywood Squares Death Match?
WG: Because if someone gets a question wrong besides me, Lassie kills him or her.
Lassie: pantpantpantpantpantpantpanthehehehehehehepantpantpantpantpantpantpant
They: It's your turn Trah.
T: I'll go with Austin Powers!
:::Applause:::
AP: Yeah baby yeah. That's my mating call you know baby. Yeah baby. Yeah.
They: What happened on last week's soap operas?
AP: Oh yes, Richard Simmons told me about this while he was in the hospital with our new daughter, yeah baby. You see, Dilly's cheating on Donald baby, Vasili murdered his sister's husband, yeah, Yvonne is having a baby, baby…
:::Two months later:::
"And George is stuck on a desert island. Yeah baby yeah."
T: I…agree?
They: Nope. George is not stuck on a desert island; he's stuck on a deserted island. X gets the square.
CBB: But I'm O.
They: Quiet you. It's your turn.
CBB: I choose…Lassie!
:::Applause gives way to screams as Lassie jumps down, grabs CBB by the throat and drags him off-stage along with AP:::
They: This means Trah is the winner!
T: Yea! What do I get?
They: A weekend cruise with Nightcrawler!
:::Trah faints with happiness, and a blue form BAMFs beside, performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation:::
T: Don't stop.
:::The lights dim, and then center on They:::
They: You're probably hoping to see blood, but since this is CBS, we can't do that. Please tune in to Fox to see "Behind the Scenes of 'Hollywood Squares Death Match'" to see graphic scenes of Lassie eating all the contestants.
:::Backstage there are sounds of intense pain and screaming:::
Leonardo DiCaprio: You can't kill me, I'm king of the world! AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! MY BALLS!
Lassie: Take that, your majesty!
Hillary Clinton: Don't underestimate the power of the woman! Argh!
Jenny Jones: Lassie, why are you doing this to people who can come to my show and complain? AHHHH!
Lassie: Take that you talk show bitch!
Aaron Carter: You know how I beat Shaq?
Lassie: Like this.
Aaron Carter: OW!
Barbara Streisand: You wouldn't hurt this incredible sexy body, would you?
Lassie: Not if I take a picture of your boobs and show the world what they really are! (click)
Barbara Streisand: NOOOOOOOOO!
Britney Spears: Keep away! I'm stronger then I was yesterday! Hyah-Yah!
:::Sounds of Britney killing Lassie continue through ending credits:::
The End.