Visiting Hours
"Hello." I bow my head slightly. "How are you today?""I'm fine."
"That's wonderful." I smile, and pause. "I'm doing fine as well."
"...That's nice."
"Yes, it is... So, what have you been up to lately?"
"Nothing, really."
"Oh? Surely you keep busy...?"
"Of course."
"Ahh... Well that's good to hear."
He gives no response; so often does he stare at the table and sit like a broken doll that my heart aches to reach out and give him a hug. But I keep to myself, and keep smiling like the dutiful person I am.
"My job keeps me away so much, I don't have a lot of time to come and visit you..."
"It's all right. I don't mind."
Doesn't mind? I almost shout that I mind, and that I would give up my job if it meant spending more time here -- but again, I keep to myself and say nothing.
"Have you been working? Last time I saw you, you didn't have a job."
"No..."
"No? You need a job, you know," I admonish. "You can't live forever like this, doing next to nothing."
And I wish I hadn't said it, but I did. Yet that head doesn't move, and those eyes don't look at me. I wonder what emotion is in them now. I can't tell, since I don't have a good view of them. Perhaps sadness?
"But I won't live forever."
Some lump forms in my throat; I can't speak. How can that be said? I wish I could say it's not true, but it is. I hate to admit it, but it's the truth. Nothing will last forever, and I might never say the words I want to say the most.
Maybe... maybe if I just see those eyes... maybe then I'll have some courage...
Yes. Those eyes. They have promise, don't they? Expressing everything to everyone in a glance, a flicker of motion. If I could make those eyes say something to me today...
"Would you... please look at me?"
At first, nothing happens. Then, my request is granted. The eyes I so prize look into mine, showing no trace of the emotion or emotions I seek. Which ones do I want to see?
"I... I have to tell you..."
The door opens up, and I turn to see Milly in the frame. She's holding a tray with a tea set on it.
"I heard you speaking in here, Senpai. Were you... talking to someone?" She looks a little worried, but smiles anyway.
I turn back, but he's disappeared. He's gone.
Did I...? Have I been...?
"Senpai?"
I shake my head and turn to her, smiling softly. "No, I was thinking out loud, Milly. Would you just leave the tea here, please?"
She complies, not asking any questions. In my mind I thank her; she's a good friend.
Upon her closing the door, I stare across the table at where he used to be; or, I believe, where I thought he used to be.
My fingers come up to gently touch my lips while a few stray tears leak out from my eyes. Why did he go? But more importantly, why did I let him go?
Somewhere in my mind, he tells me, "Because you can't hold onto what isn't yours. You know that, Meryl."
And somehow, I do.