Title: Break Down
Name: Joy
Email: SleepingBeauty2@ziplip.com
Rating: PG 13
Many quiet afternoons were spent together for the Cale siblings as the months past since Fiona's arrival. They spent lots of time going through old family albums, reliving moments in their common history. Each trying to recover from the last three years of separation.
Logan particularly made an effort to work on things of the past. Upon his sister's suggestion, he actually started seeing a therapist about his parents' death and his own guilt over it. He had to avoid some things, such as exposing himself as Eyes Only and the Manticore project. Instead, he termed himself a journalist and Max as coming from an obsessive military family. Other then those things, he was pretty forth coming. He even allowing Max to come with him, so he could work on his ability to open up to her about where he hurt.
With all the progress Logan was making, no one noticed Fiona was slowly losing it. The engagement that was impending at the concert, was still not official three months later. Somehow, being at home in Seattle stirred more then she was ready to deal with head on. Unbeknownst to anyone, Fiona was spending a great deal of time at the graveyard talking to Ryan. She had taken to coming everyday and reading parts of Romeo and Juliet. Almost everyday, she would lay down between her husband and son's markers and wonder why she wasn't there. She sang her son lullabies and spirituals her mother had sung to her. No one realized that what would have been Fiona's nine year anniversary with Ryan had arrived.
To all others in their little family, life was going well. Max actually liked work because she knew she didn't have to do it. At the drop of a hat, she could quit and Logan would take care of her. But she did enjoy holding down a steady job, and having some money of her own. Original Cindy and she had been bonding more, since she found out about Max's past. She and Logan were doing really well too.
Logan was opening up a lot more and Max was learning to do the same. He loved her a great deal and it showed in every part of his being. Mainly his head operatives were now handling his formerly obsessive crusade. He still did the voice overs but he didn't push the way he used to. Therapy did turn out to be a good thing.
Bling felt life was perfect. He had a great job, working with one of his favorite people, which in a while would become his brother. He had the girl of his dreams, even if she kept putting off the engagement. He'd wait forever. He had good friends from work and outside of it too. He had a house waiting for him to move into and a city he loved living in.
Everyone missed it. She was breaking down, falling apart at the seams. No one seemed to notice she only sang songs from her years with Ryan, or that her art had taken on a life of its own. No longer was it about the event; it was about her husband. She had started losing cohesion when she had attempted to no longer call Ryan her husband. She began to make an effort to just call him Ryan. It hurt so much… As much as she loved Bling, giving up calling Ryan her husband was wrong in her mind. Up until then things were fine… but it hit her full force. She was a Juliet without her Romeo. For the third time since her husband's death, she contemplated ending things the way the play had.
When she first got out of the hospital, she had worked hard at getting on her feet, but then she couldn't find a reason to stand. Bling showed her the way. The second time, she was in England and he dropped everything to be there for her. It was then that everything changed between them. Now, as she sat in the graveyard, she hadn't the energy to reach out again. So she sat in the cemetery talking to those she loved that were long buried. It was her anniversary… She needed to be with her husband.
Logan's penthouse was dimly lit with the morning's rays when Max rushed into the living room. "Logan… Logan," she yelled.
"I'm in here… You couldn't wait until after work?" He said seductively from his bed as he prompted himself up with one arm as Max flew through his door.
"No… Is Fiona here?" she said very concerned.
Logan became concerned himself at that point, "No, why?"
"I went by her place this morning… The lights are all on. Music was playing. Her car was there, but her motorcycle was gone. I called Bling to see if she was at his apartment. He said she had called him last night from your place and said she was spending the night… She lied to him Logan! I was here last night when she supposedly called… Why the hell would she do that?"
Logan was listening while getting himself ready for the day. He slid on some jeans and grabbed a sweater he just threw on. "I don't know Max. It's not like her. If she doesn't want to see you, she'll tell you. She doesn't conceal things like that. Did you tell Bling she had lied to him?"
"No, I didn't want to upset him until we found her safe and sound," she said sitting on his bed.
Logan had put up a few pictures in his bedroom of his family in the last few months. On his dresser sat a picture of Logan, Bling, Max and Fiona from the night of the CobbleStones concert. There was also a picture of his whole family from Fiona's wedding day. As he tried to get a sock on he gazed at the picture. He dropped the sock & grabbed the frame. He pulled open the back of the frame.
"Logan! What the hell are you doing?" Max yelled in confusion.
"Dammit! I can't believe I forgot. I'm the worst brother in the world," he said as he went into the living room, where some of Fiona's photographs were lying. He gathered them and started looking through them. "Max, I'll be back with Fiona in a while. I'll take care of it, I promise. I know where she is."
Max was very confused, until she picked up the picture and saw the date on the back of it. "Oh, Fiona! You wanted to be alone on your anniversary…"
Fiona sat in the cemetery with a blanket on the ground and one wrapped around her. She was holding the copy of Romeo and Juliet Ryan had gotten for her on their first anniversary. Her voice wafted over the quiet hill, as she read the Shakespearean tragedy. As she came to read the last line, Logan spoke the words from behind her, "Never was there a story of such woe, then this of Juliet and her Romeo."
"How'd ya find me?" she said in a whisper.
"You never missed an anniversary with Ryan- the last three you spent here. Plus, your pictures showed how much time you have been spending here, planting flowers and putting up the wind chime. I'm sorry I didn't notice before… I should have seen it coming," he said coming close to his sister. He stood over her, when he noticed what he had always been afraid of- she had a knife open with blood on it.
Logan quickly came around and grabbed her arms to inspect them. Long slashes from left to right, very shallow were present. He looked into her eyes with tears and anger. The tears came quickly as he struggled to speak, "I didn't lose you that night & I'm not going to now. You hear me! I love you. Max loves you. She was flying around the city looking for you this morning, scared out of her mind. And have you forgotten- there is another man who loves you. What about the O'Connors? You'd be leaving them with nothing of their son…"
Fiona's eyes filled with tears and then she began to wail on her brother's shoulder.
The anguish that had been building was released in loud groans from deep in her soul. "I can't Logan… I love him too much… It's not fair. I was supposed to have years with him and children…"
"I know sweetheart, I know…" he comforted.
"I was fine with it all really… I was… but… I … I tried to just call him Ryan and not my husband any more… It began to rip my heart out Logan… He'll always be my husband… Just because he's dead that doesn't change the way I feel about him… I was going to be a old and wrinkly with him… I don't know what I'm supposed to do now."
"You're supposed to do what you've always done… You don't give up! He lived to make you happy. He died protecting you… Don't dishonor him like this… He wanted you to live… Bling will never ask you to forget him. No one will! Ryan will still be my brother till my dying day… We can call Ryan your first husband or your high school sweet heart… It will get easier, little one. It will," Logan responded.
Tears kept descending his sister's checks. She hurt so much, so torn. "I needed to feel something…"
"What?"
"I wasn't trying to kill myself… I've just felt numb for so long, I wanted to feel something. It was the only thing that made me feel alive… It gets so bad sometimes, I swear I'm already dead and my mind won't let go," she whispered. It pained himself so much for her to say the words.
"Why didn't I know you were struggling?" he asked the little pale face in his hands.
"I was too tired to ask for help again…" she said.
"Again?"
A deeper voice came from behind them, "Yeah, again." Neither had heard Bling approach. After Max's frantic call in the morning, he began to wonder why it didn't settle her to hear Fiona was at Logan's. He soon realized it was because she knew Fiona wasn't there. After having gone to the restaurant's former location- since it had been leveled, he came to the cemetery.
Fiona hid under the covers, embarrassed by her dismal state. She had always reached out to Bling before… Truth was she wasn't too tired, she just wasn't sure she wanted to reach out again. She had never gone through feelings that she was betraying Ryan, until now. She loved this other man and it seemed wrong. She was a married woman… The thoughts circled her head as she watched him come to her quietly.
"I'll handle it from here, Logan. We need some time alone… Go tell Max you found her, OK," with that Logan left the cemetery, hoping Fiona would allow Bling access to her heart. Bling looked at his love in her disheveled state and knew her completely. He sat on the blanket without a word, snuggling up behind her. In a few moments, he had gathered her into his arms and deposited her in his lap.
"How long have you been here?" he asked in his calmest voice.
"Since midnight…" she responded. It felt right to have his arms around her, but she fought it wanting to be a good a faithful wife on her anniversary. "It's my anniversary."
"I know… Today is your day with Ryan… but you've been…" he said quietly looking at the marks on her arms, "hurting yourself… I love you too much to let you get swallowed by grief… that's my deal with Ryan… I bet you didn't know I come out here too." She looked into his eyes tearfully trying to understand what Bling was saying. "I come to talk to him… the man my love, loves greatly… Somehow it helps… See I promised him when I came back from England, that I would never take you away from him. I promised to take over your protection and care… I promised him I would love for as faithfully as he would have. I promised to live out the rest of my life with you, giving you the happily ever after you deserved…" Bling leaned his head against hers.
Fiona lost all argument in herself. Her heart broke for two men now. She wept for a long time in Bling's arms. She loved him dearly and would make a good wife. Ryan would be very happy that she found love again. He had loved Bling when he was alive. Logic and reason began to return to Fiona's heart as she wept the tears of a lost past and the joy of a bright future. "I'm sorry, Bling… I thought I was… over it."
"Sweetheart, you'll never be over it… You had a love that people write books about," Bling said holding her book. "I expect that you'll always be sad at this time of year, when he died, and on his birthday… I know you didn't stop loving him. You just have to let me help you with the pain… I know it's scary to think about getting married again, that's why I haven't pushed."
She buried her face in his chest before looking up and kissing him. "I don't deserve you," Fiona said with pain.
He smiled at her amused, "I don't deserve you… Now, are you OK here by yourself or do you want me to stay?"
"I think it's time for me to go home."
"You sure?"
"Yeah… I'll be there in a minute," she said.
Fiona turned to the four headstones of her family, "See, he's awesome." She collected her belongings, then sat down in front of Ryan's grave. "I love him… I'm gonna marry him… I want you to be proud of me and how I'm living my life. I'm sorry for the set back… I just miss you and the life we could have had… I promise to keep going, to be you pixie, full of energy and life. Watch over me love… I'll see ya later."
Fiona walked away from the graves and toward her new life in Seattle once again.