Falling Together; Caught by Each Other
Severus did not wish to let go of her, fearing she might slip away yet again. But as he stood there he slowly began to regain his awareness and it came to him, they were in the library, in the middle of the day. What's more, Deidra had been speaking rather loudly, who knew who had heard them. Any minute Madame Pince, or anyone else, who had happened to be in the library for that matter, could come around the corner and them like this. He didn't want that, not yet. He wanted he and Deidra to have time to talk before they faced anyone else with their situation.
Reluctantly he released his hold around Deidra, causing her to snap her head up suddenly from where it had settled against his chest. A look of panic crossed her face; she had opened herself up and placed herself at his mercy. Seeing the fear in her eyes Severus gently brought his hand to her face, brushing away the tears that were silently falling down her face away with the tips of his fingers. He brought his hand to rest with his finger to her lips, indicating that she should be quiet. She nodded and he took his finger away, motioning for her to follow him. She nodded again and set off toward the library entrance. She waited awhile then proceeded in that direction herself.
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Deidra walked through the halls in a daze, Severus's head always just in sight ahead of her. She still wasn't sure what was going on, or what Severus was feeling. True he'd held her when she'd gone to pieces. But there hadn't been any real implication of what he felt, he could have simply been trying to calm her before the entire castle became aware that the headmaster's daughter was losing control of herself just because the potions master had walked up behind her unnoticed. All Deidra knew was that she'd have no peace till this was resolved, one way or another.
She almost didn't need to keep him in sight. There was only one place he could be heading, the dungeons. It made sense; his classroom would be the only place in this whole castle where they might truly have some privacy to talk. Even in her own rooms they ran the risk of interruption, not to mention, if they were interrupted there they would both be seriously compromised.
Once this was realized everything began to blur. Deidra wound her way through countless corridors without even noticing. The dark gray stone seemed unreal and permeable. Nothing in the world seemed solid; nothing dependable, she was descending into the depths of an endless void, and the only one who could save her was Severus.
And it was because of this that she found herself standing outside the door to the potions classroom. She was suddenly seized by an immense fear, whatever was meant to happen, once she walked over this threshold her life would change forever. She would either finally be reunited with the other half of her heart, or be forced to spend the rest of her life alone, for Deidra knew for certain, standing outside his door, that the only person she could ever possibly love was Severus Snape. And if she could not be reconciled with him there would be no one else, ever.
Standing there Deidra felt like a prisoner awaiting the jury's decision of whether or not they are to live. And it was like this that Severus found her.
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Where was she? Shouldn't she be here by now? The growing impatience and fear grew inside Severus until he felt it might choke him. Finally when he could stand it no longer he opened the door to look out and see if she was coming. Expecting to see her just turning the corner of the passage, Severus was quite taken aback to see Deidra standing just outside of the door, a look of frozen dread on her face.
For a few moments they just stood there, truly looking at each other for the first time in years. Severus felt rooted in his spot, and it seemed that Deidra was unable to move as well. Trying to initiate something, Severus stood aside so that Deidra could come inside. He tried to appear calm, but all the while feeling his heart rising up his throat. Was she toying with him? How much longer would they be able to stand this frozen pace? All at once Severus's senses became very sharp. He was keenly aware of the soft scent of freesia that he always connected with Deidra. Aware of the sound of her sharp, short breath intakes which seemed to broadcast the anxiety that she too was experiencing. Aware of her feet just barely beginning to inch over the threshold and he thought he might faint. He felt intoxicated, he was drowning in Deidra, and it was reveling, and terrifying at the same time.
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Deidra was about to die. She could stand it no longer and began to move her foot, which now felt as if it were made of lead, across the threshold. It was almost as though she was encountering a physical resistance as she tried to enter the room, her dread was so great. Just a step more and it will all be over, just do it, just do it, just…do…it…
And she had done it. She was inside the room. She moved closer to the center to allow Severus to close the door. As soon as she heard the latch catch she lost control again. Weeping freely she felt her body trembling. But then she felt something else. A warmth at her back, and she turned around and stood face to face again with Severus, their noses almost touching.
His gaze transfixed her, she forget everything else but those two black moons which seemed to radiate their own light. She felt numb, none of her senses were responding to the messages her brain, and once again she felt the sensation of falling through the abyss. Catch me Severus, please. You're the only one who can, please don't let me fall into oblivion, please, catch me. And it was at that moment that she regained some of her feeling. Enough to recognize his hands cupping her cheeks. They felt pleasantly cool against her burning face and she held his hands in place with her own.
She looked into his face and saw the tender affection that he had trying to hide, "You don't hate," she whispered, and she began to cry again. She didn't seem to be able to control herself today, it felt very strange and Deidra fought to contain the endless flood that seem to break free no matter how hard she tried to hold it back.
"No," he soothed, "I could never hate you. You are all in this world that I have to love." He wiped her tears away with the thumbs of his hands, elated by the softness of her damp skin, softer than silk, yet stronger, warmer.
"If you loved me then why did you stay away?" she sobbed, pressing her face into his hands, taking comfort from their strength and steadiness.
Severus bowed his head, afraid of how she would respond to his answer, "I stayed away because you hated me. That's why you left me in the first place I thought, you hated me." He held his breath, waiting for conformation of what had tormented him for the better part of sixteen years.
Deidra let out a noise that was midway between a sob and a strangled laugh, "Never, I never hated you. I left because I was selfish. I left because I thought if I couldn't change your ways then it would be too much work to stay and try and work through it, and I've regretted it everyday since. Can you forgive me? You don't even have to speak to me again if you don't want to, just say you forgive me." She buried her face in his hands and he felt her tears gathering in the palms of his hands.
"Forgive you, it is I should beg forgiveness. After what I did, I marvel that you even hesitated, or gave me a second thought. I betrayed everything we ever shared and I put you at risk. No, no it is your forgiveness that is needed, not mine."
Deidra did laugh then, it was a very pitiful one, but when she lifted her head again Severus saw a little bit of the sparkle in her eyes that was so infamous of her father. "Oh my love," she said, sliding her hands to the back of his neck, "I think that for both our sanity's sake we'd better forgive each other."
Then Severus laughed too. "I think I can handle that, Deidra Dumbledore, I forgive you, but only if you forgive me."
She pulled his head forward so that their foreheads rested against each other's, "with all my heart."
Severus shook his head, "well one thing hasn't changed, we still certainly know how to make a royal mess of things. He we are playing hide and seek on each other, torturing ourselves and everyone around us, at least I have. And all we had to do was actually face each other."
Deidra wrapped her arms around his neck, "yes we certainly did drag this whole affair out a bit longer than it needed to be, but what do we do now?" She felt his hands circle her waist and slowly move up and down her back.
"I think," Severus smiled into her face, "That we should start by telling each other where we've been holed up for the past sixteen years"
"Yes, that would be a good place to start," Deidra said, nestling her face into the crook of his neck.
"That way you can tell me all about the numerous men who have bested me." Severus was trying to be funny, but there was a hint of worry in his voice.
"My, that'll be the shortest list ever read." Deidra said, sensing that little edge of worry in his question.
"Forty, thirty-five, or should I go higher?" It was his turn to try to keep his cook now.
"Lower," Deidra whispered, planting a little kiss just below his ear.
"How much lower?" Severus's voice cracked. When he and Deidra had first met she'd been the young sheltered beauty who had been in awe of his age and "supposed" experience. What would he have to live up to now. She'd been floating around the world for sixteen years, she was beautiful, intelligent, and passionate. Even if there had been only one other, he would still have to be better than him to hold this brilliant angel that had somehow fallen into his arms.
"None." She kissed his right cheek and raised her head and looked at him, grinning devilishly, "None but Severus Snape, after you none could compare."
A wave of exultation ran through Severus, and, feeling a bit braver he placed his hand at the nap of her neck and drew her to him, catching her lips with his. She melted against him immediately, tightening her arms and pressing against him. We're falling Severus, but don't worry. From now on we'll catch each other, no matter how far we drop.