Author's Note: I have no idea how I got to writing this, but anyway, since I already did, heck. The character here, Katema, is from a rich family, and he is adapted from someone in Kareshi Kanojyo no Jijyo, but I thought it wasn't really karekano fanfic, so it's under anime. Anyway, pls enjoy, and R&R. Arigato~! ^_^
"The source of your doubt comes from within your very own conscience. You wonder if what you are doing is right, or wrong. You feel this way about something, but yet something tells you you feel another way about the same thing. You have made up your mind, but cannot seem to comprehend what mind you have made up. The feeling is fake, and not sincere, but yet you cannot break away from the chains that hold you down, and you feel like you have lost all hope. The ultimate question is: If you had a second chance, would you try again...?"
(written from Katema's point of view)
i have had a dream. the same dream tt had occur'd evri nite when i was not myself; when i was pretending. my case wasn't so serious, at least i could withstand my temptation to put up that same ol' front. but she...
my parents, they are constantly not around. i hardly see them, even though they are in terra ii. when i wake up in the morning, they have already gone to work. when i come home from school, they are not back from work, and they do not come home until i have fallen asleep: waiting for them. they try to make it up by helping me in any way they can- in no way to me. they tell me they love me, and i know it's tru, but not to me. they are affectionate towards me because they care, but not to me.
what is to me?
i do not have enough attention to fill up my desires. i do not get the actions of love that my friends get. i do not get anything...anything. i feel like no one notices me when i walk past, or speak. no one realises i am there. because my parents do not see me, and others will not see me as well. i am invisible.
i am not jealous, or hateful because of this deprivation. but i feel hurt, and sad because i kno i will probably not b able to receive it any longer: once i have grown older, who would care for me? i would be too independent, to them. it's alright if i don't have the love, because i am a big boy and i can take care of myself, to them. not to me.
i want the attention. so i become perfct. i becum the perfct person. flawless, good character, academically ahead. everythin' becum best at. if i do this, my parents will notice, to me. they will know i am ther b'cos i am constantly praised, to me. they will realise that i am a significant person in their lives, to me. that i have a life, and that i am their son, one of the generations of the neveskar family, to me. that i have done them proud, and will continue to do so, if only...if only they see me...
but they still don't look at me, and instead, see through me. see through me, looking at their time-consuming work. quality-time consuming work.
dai kirai desu. zettai ni dai kirai desu.
then suddenly, i begin to realise myself that what i do is wrong. is very wrong and selfish. i should not be like this. i should not be lying to myself constantly, telling myself that being perfect is what i shuld b like. it is not true that i am naturally perfect. but i put up the front for others. especially for my parents. but i am lying. it is wrong. i am lying to myself about my true self. my true self...
my true self would never do things like that! my true self is not totally perfect, is not totally flawless! my true self is real, the front that i put up is just a silly barrier constructed by me- stupid and useless!!! i am wrong! so wrong! i cannot go on cheating myself! i cannot keep telling myself lies, lies abt me, lies about my character, lies about everything! everything!
but what happens now? if i change, no, if i return to my original self. the real katema... if i change, everything will change with it. i will no longer be perfct, i will not b flawless, i will not b the model student, i will not....i will not b notic'd anymore. no more compliments, no more care, no more attention. i will lose all of it. all of it. and i will suffer. i will be tortured and suffer.
but.
is that not worth more than being a fake...?
true, some say, of course not, some say. i am sure of my answer, certain that the path i have chosen to walk down is...the right way. i am clearly confident that i will be alright. i will be all okay.
it is worth more. worth much more.
and i am happy that i have realised it.
this truth. this enlightenment.
but she enters through the door of my life. and she mirrors me.
then what can i do...
*end*
"The source of your doubt comes from within your very own conscience. You wonder if what you are doing is right, or wrong. You feel this way about something, but yet something tells you you feel another way about the same thing. You have made up your mind, but cannot seem to comprehend what mind you have made up. The feeling is fake, and not sincere, but yet you cannot break away from the chains that hold you down, and you feel like you have lost all hope. The ultimate question is: If you had a second chance, would you try again...?"
(written from Katema's point of view)
i have had a dream. the same dream tt had occur'd evri nite when i was not myself; when i was pretending. my case wasn't so serious, at least i could withstand my temptation to put up that same ol' front. but she...
my parents, they are constantly not around. i hardly see them, even though they are in terra ii. when i wake up in the morning, they have already gone to work. when i come home from school, they are not back from work, and they do not come home until i have fallen asleep: waiting for them. they try to make it up by helping me in any way they can- in no way to me. they tell me they love me, and i know it's tru, but not to me. they are affectionate towards me because they care, but not to me.
what is to me?
i do not have enough attention to fill up my desires. i do not get the actions of love that my friends get. i do not get anything...anything. i feel like no one notices me when i walk past, or speak. no one realises i am there. because my parents do not see me, and others will not see me as well. i am invisible.
i am not jealous, or hateful because of this deprivation. but i feel hurt, and sad because i kno i will probably not b able to receive it any longer: once i have grown older, who would care for me? i would be too independent, to them. it's alright if i don't have the love, because i am a big boy and i can take care of myself, to them. not to me.
i want the attention. so i become perfct. i becum the perfct person. flawless, good character, academically ahead. everythin' becum best at. if i do this, my parents will notice, to me. they will know i am ther b'cos i am constantly praised, to me. they will realise that i am a significant person in their lives, to me. that i have a life, and that i am their son, one of the generations of the neveskar family, to me. that i have done them proud, and will continue to do so, if only...if only they see me...
but they still don't look at me, and instead, see through me. see through me, looking at their time-consuming work. quality-time consuming work.
dai kirai desu. zettai ni dai kirai desu.
then suddenly, i begin to realise myself that what i do is wrong. is very wrong and selfish. i should not be like this. i should not be lying to myself constantly, telling myself that being perfect is what i shuld b like. it is not true that i am naturally perfect. but i put up the front for others. especially for my parents. but i am lying. it is wrong. i am lying to myself about my true self. my true self...
my true self would never do things like that! my true self is not totally perfect, is not totally flawless! my true self is real, the front that i put up is just a silly barrier constructed by me- stupid and useless!!! i am wrong! so wrong! i cannot go on cheating myself! i cannot keep telling myself lies, lies abt me, lies about my character, lies about everything! everything!
but what happens now? if i change, no, if i return to my original self. the real katema... if i change, everything will change with it. i will no longer be perfct, i will not b flawless, i will not b the model student, i will not....i will not b notic'd anymore. no more compliments, no more care, no more attention. i will lose all of it. all of it. and i will suffer. i will be tortured and suffer.
but.
is that not worth more than being a fake...?
true, some say, of course not, some say. i am sure of my answer, certain that the path i have chosen to walk down is...the right way. i am clearly confident that i will be alright. i will be all okay.
it is worth more. worth much more.
and i am happy that i have realised it.
this truth. this enlightenment.
but she enters through the door of my life. and she mirrors me.
then what can i do...
*end*