by Avalon (avalon99@telusplanet.net)
http://members.dencity.com/avalon_online
J/C, PG-13, 1/1
WARNING: This is depressing. If you want the full effect, I recommend reading it with the end credits from Patriot's Game playing in the background.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: To Braveheart and Mel Gibson for seriously depressing me. And to Linda Campbell, my beta reader, as always.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters. And not likely too, either, given what I did to them.
CAPTAIN'S LOG
Captain's Log.
Final Entry:
I'm not sure why I still call this a Captain's Log. I'm not Captain of anything anymore. Voyager's been gone for half a decade. But I still feel like her Captain. And at least "Captain's Log" sounds fairly dignified. This last entry should have some dignity.
I haven't touched this log for three years now but I can still remember the last one vividly. That was the day I finally accepted that they weren't coming back for me, which only goes to show how stubborn -- or slow -- I can be. I'm the one who sent them away. Of course they weren't coming back. Still, it took two long years for it to finally sink in. I suppose somewhere down deep I've always believed in happy endings. I always thought my crew would come up with one more miracle, one more last-minute rescue. I was wrong.
Five long years. A lifetime.
If you've read this far, then you already know about the abandoned alien technology that we found on this planet that I've named Hades, and how we discovered that it could send Voyager home, but only if someone stayed behind to activate it. And you know how I lied to my crew, gave them the impression that I was willing to keep searching for other options...when there were none.
I had no choice. This was our last chance. Our only chance. So I did what any Captain would...I went down with the ship. Well, actually, I beamed down alone and triggered the circuits that sent them home. And I watched them go.
I never asked their opinion, never told them what I was planning. I just did it. Captain's perogative. I don't regret it. Well, not much. I still wish I'd had the chance to say goodbye...
Now I find myself wondering if I was wrong. I took their choices away. I wonder how they felt about that, what their reactions were. What his reaction was...
Two years. When does hope die? What kills it? I've never been very good at letting go, as those who know... knew...me could tell you. For two long years I fought with the alien computer. I tried...everything. And then one day, I just...stopped. I'm not sure why. I just did.
That's a lie. Stop lying to yourself, Kathryn. If ever there was a time for the truth, it's now.
I had a dream. I dreamt of home. But it wasn't of Earth and Mark. It was about Voyager and her crew...Starfleet and Maquis, Telaxian and Hologram... All the people I'd come to care about...and love. I don't know why, but that morning I woke up knowing it was over, knowing that there wouldn't be any last-minute rescues for me. Knowing...
I miss them.
Stop that. Wallowing in self-pity won't help. Besides, Starfleet Captain's don't cry.
Maybe not, but lonely castaways do.
* * *
Oddly enough, once I'd given up, I felt better. When you stop hoping...a lot of the pain goes away. Of course, so does the joy. It seemed like a fair trade at the time. Now I'm not so sure.
So. Why resume this log now? What made me decide to continue this story? I suppose it's because I want to leave something of myself behind, something to say that Kathryn Janeway lived here, once upon a time. And because this is my last chance to tell this tale; because I'm lying at the bottom of a cliff with a leg broken in three places, and other injuries too numerous to name. I'm going to die.
Funny, now that the moment is finally here, I realize I don't want to die. There were times when the silence was so deep that death would have been a relief, times when I thought I would go mad, if only to pass the time. But now, lying here... watching my lifesigns slowly weaken and ebb on my tricorder, I realize that I don't want to die. I want to go home. I want...
Funny. After all these years of feeling nothing, I thought my emotions had vanished forever. I was wrong...
The rest of the facts. Quickly. There was a storm last night. A bad one. The clifftop...was obviously seriously eroded. I went too near, took one false step...and here I am...rubbing shoulders with death, so to speak.
I should hurry. I'm not feeling any pain -- my medkit saw to that...but the light is starting to fade...and it's too early for sunset...
There's so many things I want to say...but time is running out...and now I'll never say them. I've never been good at saying goodbye. Besides...the people I would say it to...won't get this for nearly seventy years. And they won't need a voice from the past to tell them how I feel.
Well, one might. I never...told Chakotay I loved him. I never admitted it to myself either...until that morning three years ago. It was Chakotay I dreamt of that night. I saw him in my dream, telling me goodbye, telling me he loved me. Chakotay...
That was the morning I stopped lying to myself... the day I realized I loved him too. Had loved him... forever...it seemed. But he was far away...on the other side of the galaxy when I finally said the words. I'm sorry Chakotay ...I wish I'd been able to say them...so that you could hear.
But then again, knowing you...perhaps you heard after all...
FIN