CHAPTER 4-Acceptance

Buffy had never felt so low in her life. Of course she was thrilled that Xander had found true love with Anya. They fit together like she and Angel once had--only without all the 'he has a soul-oops it's gone' stuff. She was realizing that she can never have a normal relationship. Men were simply incapable of dealing with her slayer abilities and duties. And she could hardly blame them. "I mean," she thought, "How can you give yourself completely to someone who might not come home from work one night?" And a real wedding? Forget it. When the vampires and other demons heard about the slayer wedding, they'd be sure to crash it in a big way. And she'd never be able to have children, either. That was the hardest part for her. She could never bring a child into her world. Being blessed with her destiny had doomed her to a life of solitude. Up until then she had fought that fact.

"Well, no more," she decided. "If that's my fate, then I'll embrace it. Hell, I'll roll out the welcome mat and invite it in for tea." She was no longer depressed; she was determined. "So I can't have kids or a meaningful relationship with a man. So what? No big, really. All that vulnerability and broken hearts and weakness has been no good for my slayerage, anyway." Then she had a thought, "Doesn't mean I can't have a meaningless relationship with a man." She went to see Spike.

Buffy was feeling rather confident on her way to Spike's crypt. She was armed with the knowledge that he had a crush on her. She figured it would be easy enough to seduce him. As she approached the door to his crypt, however, her confidence wavered a bit and she was suddenly a little shy. She knocked instead of her usual barging-on-in. After a good five minutes, Spike finally answered the door.

"Oh. It's you," he said, obviously not happy to see her. "Think of some more reasons to hate me, Slayer? Some other flaw in your otherwise perfect life to blame me for? Wait a minute, you knocked," he suddenly realized. "Could it be you've realized I'm not entirely responsible for Riley's departure?"

She just stood there silently, her confidence faltering. This was not going to be as easy as she thought.

"You know what," Spike said, "I don't have time for this, today." He started to close the door.

"Wait," Buffy finally said. "I know what you did for Dawn."

"So the little brat ratted me out, eh? Well, no need to thank me," Spike said, "In fact, I insist you don't. Forget it. It won't happen again, I assure you."

"But you saved her life!" Buffy insisted. "You risked your own safety for her." She was trying to focus on that in order to justify her plan to seduce him. That was nice of him, after all.

"Well, yeah," he said, "But don't forget my part in getting rid of 'Captain Cardboard.'"

"You're not making this easy," she said almost under her breath.

"What's that?" he asked, hearing her.

"Can I come in?" she asked him.

"Suit yourself," he answered, and held the door open for her.

She went in and turned to face him. She opened her mouth to say something, and left it open when she noticed Spike wasn't wearing a shirt. She'd never suspected his chest would be smooth and muscled. And his powerful arms .... "Well, of course he's in good physical shape," she thought stupidly. "He fights demons every night for fun."

"What are you looking at?" he finally said.

"Spike," she said, regaining her senses, "I know you have a crush on me."

"A crush on you?!" he said angrily. "You make it sound like I'm a schoolboy who dips your pigtails in the inkwell. And no. As usual, you've got it all wrong. I ...."

"It's okay," she interrupted. "You're exactly what I need right now."

"You've gone and lost it, haven't you, Slayer. Some nasty thing drop you on your head?"

"No," she said defiantly, "I just realized I should stop fighting my destiny."

"Now I know you've lost it," he said.

She groaned. "Why do you have to make everything so difficult?"

"Make what so difficult?" he asked.

"This," she said, and she put her hands on his shoulders, leaned towards him, and kissed him--tentatively, at first. When she stopped and looked at him, his eyes were a mixture of confusion and longing. She kissed him again, and she could feel his hunger for her. She was both terrified and aroused by it. They continued kissing and he put his arms arouond her waist and pulled her nearer. He ran one hand up her back, then her neck, then he wove his fingers through her hair. She wrapped her arms around his neck and parted her lips as he thrusted his tongue into her mouth. He plunged his tongue in deeply at first, then he gently explored her mouth with it. Then he pulled her face even closer, pressing his mouth on hers with an urgency that surprised both of them. Then he thrusted his tongue in deeply again. She tilted her head back to catch her breath but she moaned as his lips moved down to her throat, her neck, then her shoulders. She had not expected to get so turned on by Spike! She was losing control of the 'seduction'--and losing it fast.

"Buffy," Spike whispered, "Do you want me?"

"Yes," she said, "I ... Spike ...." He silenced her with another kiss. She couldn't understand what was happening to her! She kissed him back with so much passion that everything else disappeared. All she could see was Spike. She was being consumed by him--and loving every second of it.

Her hands bagan exploring his bare back. She stopped kissing him, tucked her head under his chin and pulled his body tightly against hers. She was trying desperately to break this spell. She couldn't let herself be this affected by a 'meaningless' fling with Spike, of all people! She pulled back a little, and looked into his eyes. But the longing, the hunger, was still there, unmasked, now. There was no turning back. Having laid bare their mutual desire, they passed the point of questioning it or denying it.

Spike easily picked her up and carried her to his bed. "There's no turning back now, love," he said. "Tell me this is not a dream."

"Not a dream," Buffy said. "If you stop now, I'll never forgive you."

"Sure you can handle it, Slayer?" he said teasingly.

"You sure you can?" she teased back.

He gently laid her on his bed and stretched out beside her, propping himself up with one elbow. Then he moved over her, propping himself up on both elbows with his hands holding her arms. He began kissing her again. She arched her neck, causing his kisses to become even hotter, his tongue plunging in and out of her mouth. She raised her forearms and gripped his upper arms. Their breaths were coming in short gasps. She could feel his desire pressing against her, and that excited her even more.

Afterward, as they laid side by side, Buffy remarked, "That was incredible."

"Buffy, I ..." Spike started as a hundred feelings washed over him. "God, she's so beautiful," he thought. "How can I be so lucky?" Then it occurred to him just how unbelievable the whole thing was. He started wondering what brought her here; why had she done this? What does it mean? Could the slayer really have fallen for Spike? "No," he thought bitterly.

"Buffy," he finally asked, "What happened to you these last two days?"

She had been losing herself in his eyes. They were so full of emotion, she felt she could almost see his s.... "Wait a minute," she caught herself, "Spike doesn't have a soul," she realized. When he asked her what happened to her, she regained control of her emotions. And the events of the previous evening--learning about Xander and Anya's engagement--and her acceptance of her fate earlier today came rushing into her mind.

"Well," she began, "Xander and Anya are getting married. And so I realized I'll never have a normal life, with a husband and kids and forever-love. I can only have meaningless flings."

"Meaningless?!" he said, feeling angry and hurt. "Is that what I am to you? This all means nothing to you?!"

She realized she had underestimated his feelings for her. Her feelings had overpowered her, as well. She had started out planning on having just a fling with Spike. She doubted she could still say that and mean it, though. He had made her feel both protected and powerful. She never dreamed ...."

Spike interrupted her silent thoughts. "Get dressed and get out," he said calmly. She realized she had actually hurt his feelings. She was so confused by her own emotions that she was unable to put into words everything she was feeling. She was overcome with embarrassment and hurriedly got dressed. She looked over at him sitting on the bed. He had put his jeans back on. He held his head in his hands. For once, she had a situation she felt powerless to fix. She thought of saying a number of things. Instead, she said nothing, and left.

THE END


One possible conclusion to this, I wrote, is called "The Tapestry" and takes place one year later. It can be found here, as well.

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