by Avalon (avalon99@telusplanet.net)
http://members.dencity.com/avalon_online
J/C, R, 3/7
THE WATER IS WIDE III
"Journeys"
Janeway sat in stunned silence. Pregnant. With Chakotay's child. No wonder he had looked so shattered when she had appeared on the transporter pad. She could only imagine the pain her presence must be causing him. She would be a living reminder of everything he had lost, of everything he...and the other Janeway...had shared.
The pang of...it must be jealousy...that went through her startled her. True, she had accepted the fact that she loved her Chakotay, but to have it all paraded before her like this... Why did it suddenly feel as if this universe was mocking her for giving up a chance at happiness, was showing her what she could have had, if only she had been a little less foolish, a little more courageous? A wave of longing went through her. "Oh Chakotay," she thought unhappily, "what have I done?" Only the deepening silence answered her.
* * *
The next visitor to sickbay entered with less alacrity than B'Elanna, but the sound of the doors sliding open startled Janeway nonetheless. Her eyes flew to the entrance, her heart thudding, then she slowly relaxed. It was Tuvok.
The Vulcan wore his normal expression of serenity and, when he spoke, his voice was composed. "Captain."
"Tuvok." Janeway struggled for similar composure.
"The Ca...Chakotay...asked me to see if there was anything you needed."
Disappointment flooded through her. Chakotay hadn't come. And then she berated herself. Why would he? Why put himself through unnecessary pain? She sighed then sat up a little straighter. "For one thing," she said firmly, "you can all stop pussy-footing around the truth. I know that Chakotay is your Captain now. And I know that your Kathryn Janeway died eight months ago."
One Vulcan eyebrow arched a little higher. "May I ask how..."
"B'Elanna told me."
"I...see." Something flickered briefly across Tuvok's face. Janeway looked away, ignoring the momentary lapse in the Vulcan's calm.
"And I know...everything else," she continued steadily.
Tuvok met her eyes. "Then you understand why Captain Chakotay felt that it would be better if he did not come to see you in person. But he did ask me to tell you that we are working on a way to send you back to your reality as quickly as possible."
"Can't wait to get rid of me, huh?" Janeway regretted the words as soon as they were out of her mouth. She wasn't coping with any of this particularly well...hadn't coped with anything well since her Chakotay had left Voyager two months ago. And she was doing particularly badly here. "It's a good thing no one is keeping score," she thought randomly.
"On the contrary, Captain," Tuvok was saying, "it is... good...to see you again. The crew has missed you."
Janeway shifted uncomfortably. "Missed her, you mean."
There was a brief pause, then: "Yes."
Janeway shivered slightly and turned away, folding her arms tightly around herself.
"Captain?"
She glanced back at him. "It's nothing. It's just that...I'm starting to feel like a reflection of her. Like somebody else's ghost. It's...a little disconcerting."
"I understand. If you wish to remain in sickbay for the duration of your visit..."
Part of her wanted to, very much. To go out there and walk in the footsteps of a dead woman, seeing all those faces, being the focus of all those emotions... She couldn't. She wasn't their Kathryn Janeway, after all. And what would it do to them when she left again? No. Better to stay in here where it was safe...
Safe. Another shudder rippled through her. She had never in her life taken the safe route. She had faced to whatever life had thrown at her, had never hidden from anything... Except...isn't that what she had been doing for the last two months? She had let Chakotay go, had given him up without a fight, because she was afraid. Afraid of her own feelings, afraid of what might happen... A sick feeling went through her. What if she had pushed him away subconsciously, because of her own fears? What if...?
Tuvok had stopped speaking and was staring down at her, his left eyebrow climbing even higher. Janeway dragged her thoughts back to the present and met his eyes. "No," she said slowly, "I...might be able to help. I should go to Engineering."
Tuvok nodded impassively. "As you wish. I will escort you."
She shot him a sidelong look as she climbed to her feet. "I know the way, Tuvok."
"Nevertheless..." His tone was unyielding.
Janeway sighed again and nodded. She could understand his caution. She was an unknown element. If their roles had been reversed she would have done exactly the same thing. Still, she found his presence unnerving. She would rather have dealt with this alone... Squaring her shoulders and fighting off the feeling that she was about to run a long, rather unpleasant gauntlet, Janeway moved toward the exit, her Vulcan shadow a pace behind her.
* * *
It was worse than she had expected. Although Tuvok had assured her that the crew had been warned of her presence, the stares were nonetheless daunting. Crewmembers came to a halt as she passed and turned to watch her go, expressions of sorrow, hope, loss, and a myriad of other emotions written on their faces. One young Ensign had even burst into tears as she passed. It was all more than a little unsettling.
As if sensing her discomfort, Tuvok broke the silence that had fallen between them. "Are you all right, Captain?" Together they had rounded a corner and stepped into the turbolift.
"I'm fine. It's just...I'm starting to feel like the Ghost of Kathryns Past..."
He turned his head to her. "I beg your pardon?"
"Sorry. Wordplay. Haven't you ever read Charles Dickens?"
"Ah. No. I have not."
Janeway frowned. "My Tuvok has. I recommended "A Christmas Carol" a few..." Her voice trailed off then she continued shakily. "A few months ago." Suddenly it all became more that she could bear. The pain of this crew, her own unhappiness... A wave of homesickness for her own Voyager swept over her, causing her throat to tighten and her fists to clench. She blinked furiously.
"I do understand, Captain," the Vulcan was saying, "This is not easy for any of us."
Janeway glanced at him and bit her lip. She hesitated for a long moment, then squared her shoulders. "Tuvok..."
"Yes, Captain?"
"B'Elanna told me about...her pregnancy. And her relationship with Chakotay. Could you tell me...how it happened?"
Tuvok's lips twitched slightly. "If you are referring to the pregnancy, I was not present at the time, but I assume it occurred in the normal fashion..."
Janeway felt a fiery blush begin to creep over her face. "That's not what I meant..." she started to say.
"But," Tuvok continued, ignoring her. "If you mean her relationship with Captain Chakotay, you would do better to ask the Captain." There was a brief pause. "And he could probably give you in-depth information about the first half of your question as well..."
Janeway's blush deepened and she cast him an furtive glance. "Tuvok," she thought, shaking her head slightly, "never let anyone tell you that Vulcans don't have a sense of humour..." Out loud, she said, "I can't."
"Why not?" There was nothing but polite interest in the question.
"Because...because it would hurt too much. I don't want him to be hurt any more. I don't want to be hurt any more. I just...I just want to go home." A plaintive note had crept into her voice and she cursed herself for allowing her emotions to be so transparently obvious. Tuvok politely ignored her as she struggled to regain her self-control. And then the turbolift doors swung open. Janeway bolted forward, eager to distract herself with the problem at hand.
"Captain..."
Janeway came to a halt and paused on the threshold. She did not look back. "Yes?"
"May I inquire if you and Commander Chakotay share a similar relationship in your reality?"
"No. We don't." Her words were flat and uncompromising and, her back stiff, Janeway stepped out into Engineering. Wordlessly Tuvok followed.
* * *
This had been a mistake, Janeway had decided after half an hour. Her mind refused to focus and it was painfully obvious that she was only disrupting the engineers' work. They could find the solution without her, she had decided abruptly and had left Engineering, the gold-clad security guard who had relieved Tuvok, a step or two behind her. She cast him a sidelong look as they walked through the ship's corridors together.
"Are you all right, Ensign?" Janeway asked cautiously. The security guard was young, nervous, and looked as if he either wanted to run away...or hug her. She hoped it wasn't the latter -- her nerves were so highly strung that any human contact would probably cause her to burst into tears.
She had never understood the true extent of her crew's feelings for her, she realized. She had known they cared, but never how much. Since her departure from sickbay, she had been treated like a combination of the Shroud of Turin and Jacob Marley's ghost. When she had entered Engineering, everyone had either paled, dropped something, or rubbed at suddenly damp eyes. Her own emotions too, were riding perilously near the surface. Nevertheless, gritting her teeth, she forged determinedly on.
* * *
They reached the mess hall rapidly. At first, Janeway had been tempted to flee back to her makeshift quarters (she hadn't dared ask what had happened to her quarters in this reality) but had veered off instead and headed for the mess hall, her security guard trailing obediently behind. She was hungry, she told herself, and the mess hall was the most convenient...but that was a lie. She could have easily replicated something for herself in whatever cabin they put her...but she hadn't wanted to. No. If she were to be honest with herself, she would admit that she was prowling the corridors in the vain hope of seeing Chakotay.
This was insane. He would either be on the Bridge or in his quarters, avoiding her... It would only cause both of them more anguish to meet. And yet that didn't stop her from wanting... Janeway shook her head, cursing herself under her breath as they reached the mess hall doors. She paused on the threshold and gave a quick, furtive glance around -- Empty. Good -- then went in. The tension in her neck and between her shoulder blades eased slightly as she led her security escort toward a table near the far wall...and a small, furry whirlwind launched itself out of the kitchen, engulfing her in a rib-breaking hug. Janeway gasped and stiffened as Neelix enfolded her in his arms, swaying a little as his weight threw her off-balance.
"Captain Janeway! It's so very very good to see you again. I can't put it into words what this means to me." The Talaxian's voice quavered and his arms tightened around her, causing her to wince. She could swear she could heard her ribs creaking.
"Um...Neelix. I can't breathe..." she managed to say. He released her immediately, stepping back and surreptitiously swiping at his eyes. Then he gave her a watery smile. "I'm sorry, Captain. It's just...I'd heard you were here and I wanted so much to see you just one more time, to tell you how much we've all missed you and..."
"Neelix..." Janeway said gently.
He didn't stop. "And I realize that you're not our Captain Janeway, well not really, but it still means so much to this crew just to know that you're alive somewhere. It's almost as if you're not really dead... not really. And...and...would you like some coffee?" He came to a sudden halt.
"I...yes, please."
Neelix beamed then reached out and guided her to a chair. "You just sit here and relax, Captain, and I'll get you a nice hot cup of coffee. And maybe a snack..." Muttering to himself, he retreated to the kitchen, keeping one eye on the Captain as if he feared she would disappear.
Janeway sank down in the chair, reaction going through her. Too much had happened too quickly. She needed time to find a way to deal with...everything... Sighing, Janeway glanced up at the security guard who was hovering nearby. "Why don't you get yourself something to eat," she suggested. When he hesitated, she smiled slightly. "Don't worry, Ensign. I'm not going to run away. You can see me from the kitchen. And...I'd like to be alone for a while. Please?"
The man frowned and bit his lip. "I'm sorry... Captain. But Lieutenant Tuvok said to..." And then his gaze slid over her left shoulder and an expression of relief appeared on his face. "Yes, Ma'am," he said in a much happier tone before turning abruptly and heading toward the kitchen at high speed.
Janeway stiffened and a faint shiver of trepidation went through her. She closed her eyes briefly, took a deep breath, opened them and said calmly: "Have a seat, Chakotay."
TO BE CONTINUED