by Avalon (avalon99@telusplanet.net)
http://members.dencity.com/avalon_online
J/C, R, 4/7
THE WATER IS WIDE IV
"Conversations"
"Have a seat Chakotay."
Janeway sat motionless in her chair, tension coursing through her body and tightening the muscles in her neck. What was she supposed to say? And what would he say to her? He wasn't her Chakotay; she wasn't his... anything. Her eyes closed briefly in pain.
When she opened them again, he was sitting quietly in front of her, his hands folded on the table and his expression carefully hooded. Waiting.
Janeway took a deep breath. "I...didn't expect to see you."
Something flickered briefly, deep within his emotionless eyes, and then it was gone. "I know," he said. "I thought it would be better...not to come."
"So what made you change your mind?" Once again a fleeting emotion passed across his face, and Janeway realized that his calm demeanour was a lie. He was as nervous about this as she was. More, probably.
Chakotay paused, as if gathering his thoughts, and then, rather like someone about to plunge off a cliff, said: "I couldn't stay away. Kathryn."
The raw grief in his voice made her flinch and Janeway looked away, unable to face him. He was still talking, she realized, as if those few words had opened the floodgates within him. "When I first saw you, I thought she had somehow come back...had somehow found a way to cheat death one more time. And then, when I realized what had happened..." His voice trailed off.
"Yes?" she prompted gently, tentatively meeting his eyes.
There was a long pause, then: "It was like losing her all over again." His voice shook.
Impulsively Janeway reached out and touched his hand. His fingers tightened spasmodically around hers, so tight that, in another time and place, she would have tried to pull free. But not here. Not now. She didn't move, concentrating instead on blinking away the tears that had formed in her eyes. "Oh Chakotay." Her own voice was unsteady. "I'm so sorry. I wish..."
He ducked his head, breaking their eye contact, but making no attempt to release her hand. For a moment there was only silence, then Janeway leaned forward and touched his wrist lightly with her other hand. "Would you...like to talk about it?" She wasn't entirely certain she wanted to hear what he would say...but she could no more ignore his need than she could forego breathing.
He nodded once then straightened and looked at her again, suddenly realizing the strength of his grasp. Hastily he released her. "Yes," he said, his expression once more shrouded. "But not here. Will you...come with me?"
Janeway nodded in turn and climbed slowly to her feet, feeling as if she had aged a year in the last few hours. Conflicting desires -- to lay down and sleep for a week; to run away at high speed down the corridors; and to fling herself sobbing into his arms -- warred within her, but in the end, she did none of them. She cast the man beside her a quick, uncertain glance, then followed him out of the mess hall.
* * *
Janeway was surprised to find them heading for where her quarters would have been, if she had been on her own Voyager. She frowned as they neared their destination and the suspicion became certainty as Chakotay brought her to a halt outside her own cabin. Or rather, the other Kathryn Janeway's cabin. She gave him a questioning look.
He didn't meet her eyes. "We...moved into her quarters because they were larger."
Oh. Janeway nodded and took a deep breath, steeling herself for what she would find. The sense she had had earlier, of being someone else's ghost, came back full force and she had to stop herself from asking that he take her somewhere else. Something deep inside her balked at the idea of setting foot inside the dead woman's quarters.
And then it was too late. The doors had slid open and Chakotay was ushering her inside. She hesitated, squared her shoulders, and stepped over the threshold. Chakotay followed and the doors closed smoothly behind them.
Janeway flinched at the sound, then regained control of herself, not moving as Chakotay ordered the lights turned on. Not looking at her, he moved a few paces away, to stare out the window at the stars streaming by. He said nothing. An uncomfortable silence descended.
Slowly, hesitantly, Janeway looked around at her surroundings, and a pang went through her. His possessions were scattered throughout the cabin, mingled with the other Janeway's. Some she recognized, some she did not. She took a careful step forward toward a crystal ornament on a nearby table. She cast a hesitant look at Chakotay's back -- he did not turn around -- then touched the glass lightly.
"My grandmother gave me this," she said softly, almost to herself. "On my..."
"On your thirteenth birthday. And you were terrified that you would break it."
Janeway pulled her finger back as if stung, and shot him another look. He had turned to face her, but made no other attempt to move toward her. Bolder now, she turned back to the rest of the room.
"Why did you never move back after...after the accident?" Janeway asked as she moved through the cabin.
"I couldn't. I...felt closer to her here."
Janeway started to turn back to him, but her attention was caught by an odd looking contraption on the wall that looked vaguely like a set of anaemic bagpipes. Her brow furrowing, she gave it a cautious poke. Nothing happened.
"Uillean pipes," Chakotay supplied for her. "Kathryn was learning to play them."
"Good heavens, why?" The question came out sharper than she had intended him and she shot him a guilty look, then felt relief as he smiled for the first time since she had met him, the shadows around him lifting momentarily.
"I asked her the same thing. Do you have any idea how bad those things can sound when someone is just learning? The first time I heard them I thought someone was murdering a Bolian..."
Janeway smiled cautiously back. "That bad, huh?"
"Worse."
For a moment they smiled at each other, the underlying tensions between them temporarily forgotten...and then memory returned and his grin faded. So did Janeway's. She turned back to the pipes, brushing their fabric lightly. "I'm sorry she's dead," she said simply.
"So am I." There was only naked honesty in his voice now. "I loved her very much."
Janeway flinched and Chakotay took a step forward. "I'm sorry if I upset you," he said.
"No, it's not that. It's just..." She shook her head uncertainly.
"It's just that you and your Chakotay don't share a similar relationship," he supplied for her. "I know. Tuvok told me."
Janeway shook her head again, more forcefully. "No. It's not that either..."
Chakotay frowned in confusion. "You do have a rel...?"
"No. I...look, can we sit down?"
He gave her a questioning look, hesitated, then nodded and moved toward the sofa. Janeway did likewise, trying not to stiffen as he sat down beside her. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. For a long moment, neither spoke.
"You haven't asked how much progress B'Elanna is making on the transporters," Chakotay said at last, breaking the silence.
Her tongue darted out to lick dry lips. "All right," she replied, a faint tremor in her voice, "how much progress is B'Elanna...?"
He smiled faintly, a smile which did not reach his eyes. "She thinks we'll be able to send you back in a few hours. By tomorrow morning at the latest. It's just a matter of recalibrating the..."
She angled her body to face him. "Chakotay." Her voice cut him off. "I don't care about any recalibrations. I... I need to know if you'll be all right...when I leave."
He gave her a crooked smile. "I won't be jumping out any airlocks, if that's what you mean. The crew needs me..."
"No," she said fiercely, reaching out to touch his hand again, "that wasn't what I meant."
He stared down at her fingertips, lightly touching his, and a tremor seemed to go through him. "I know." And then he had pulled her into a tight hug, his arms roughly enfolding her. "Kathryn," he whispered brokenly into her hair.
Janeway didn't struggle. Instead, her own arms moved up, almost of their own accord, to return the embrace, her eyes closing as he pulled her even closer. "It will be all right," she said tremulously, "somehow..."
Abruptly she found herself wrenched back as Chakotay broke the embrace, his grip shifting so that he held her firmly by both shoulders. "Kathryn," he said urgently, "there were so many things I wanted to say to you...to her...but time caught me out and I thought I'd never say them. But you're here now. I know you're not her, but...will you listen? Please?"
He had begun to speak even as she was nodding unsteadily, his hands seizing on both of hers, clinging to them like a drowning man. And, as she listened, part of her mind returned to her own world, to the Chakotay she had lost...
He had loved her. She no longer had any doubts, not now, not listening to the pain of his alter-ego, sitting beside her. And she loved him. She wanted nothing more than to hold him close, somehow take all his pain away...Inwardly she shook herself. Her feelings for the two of them were growing confused. Determinedly she thought of the man she had last seen in the freezing Calasha'an rain, of the cold, stubborn expression on his face...
It didn't do any good. She couldn't focus on anything except this version of Chakotay, could hear nothing but his voice, could feel only his hands on hers...
He was talking about the child they had lost and a tear splashed down her face. A wave of grief so strong she thought she would choke, crashed over her. And, just for an instant, it was as if it was her child that had died. The pain inside her grew.
"Chakotay..." she started to say raggedly, another tear curling down her cheek.
He broke off in mid-sentence and looked -- really looked at her -- and guilt flashed across his face. "I'm sorry," he said hoarsely. "I have no right...to burden you with all this. I just..."
"No. It's not that." She shrugged helplessly. "It's just...I wish it didn't hurt so much...for both of us." She freed one hand to brush furtively at her eyes, struggling to regain her composure.
When she looked back at him, he was staring intently at her. There was a brief pause, then he said simply, "Tell me."
"It's...nothing. It doesn't even begin to compare with what you've gone through..."
He cut her off in mid-sentence by brushing one finger lightly across her lips. Janeway shuddered. "Tell me," he said again.
And so she did. She told him about her Chakotay leaving the ship and how she had realized too late she loved him -- she had flinched slightly as she said that. Even now, it was still somehow difficult to say. And she told him how she had almost turned the ship around, countless times, but had never quite managed to take that final step. She told him of her pain and grief and loneliness, and a hundred other things. Finally she came to the end and fell silent, feeling, of all things, relief, that she had finally told someone. For an instant, it almost seemed like old times. She had unburdened herself to her First Officer and now only had to wait for him to put it all in perspective, to somehow make everything all right.
Chakotay's first words shattered that illusion. "Kathryn Janeway," he said slowly, "You are a fool."
She blinked at him. "Excuse me?"
"You heard." He leaned back, releasing her hands and frowning at her. "You are a complete and utter idiot."
Her powers of speech deserted her and she stared glassily at him, feeling rather like someone who had just been caught in a stun beam. Whatever she had been expecting him to say, it wasn't that.
Ignoring her discomfiture, the man went on. "You love him, you know he loves you. If he's anything at all like me, he..." For an instant his voice wavered, "he would sell his soul for you. Most importantly, you're both alive and in the same universe...or will be soon. And yet you're allowing some insane sense of duty and your own stubborn pride to stand in your way."
"Is that what I'm doing?" she said in a cold, flat voice, faint feelings of anger beginning to stir within her.
Chakotay let out a sharp bark of laughter. "You see? You're doing it now. You refuse to let others get too close to you, refuse to admit that you need people too. You're so busy being strong for everyone else that you forget to ask for help when you need it. 'No man is an island,' Kathryn, and no woman is either..." Abruptly he broke off and looked away, a shaken expression on his face.
"What is it?" Janeway asked, her momentary flash of anger already fading under the truth of his words. Everything he had said was true, she realized unhappily. She did try to be self-sufficient, to never admit weakness, to never let anyone get too close to her... He was right. Damn him. And damn her. "What is it?" she asked again, more quietly.
Chakotay swallowed deeply before he met her eyes. "It's just...I had the same conversation with my Kathryn just over a year ago."
"And how did that one end?" Janeway asked slowly.
"I kissed her." Almost reluctantly, his gaze wandered down to her lips. Janeway froze, unable to move or think, and then another, older, more instinctive part of her took over and she leaned forward, just slightly.
It was enough. Very, very slowly, Chakotay raised one tremulous hand her cheek and brushed the skin lightly, a feather's touch. As he did, electricity shot through her body and she forgot to breathe. Something inside her was screaming at her to stop, that this was a bad idea. This was not her Chakotay...she didn't love this man. She didn't even know him. But his pain called to her, and her own aching sense of loneliness allowed him to draw closer. She was so tired of being alone. Just once, she wanted someone to ease the loneliness... Just this once... Her eyes flickered shut. It would be so easy to pretend...
...and the sound of the door chime broke the silence.
Janeway and Chakotay pulled apart as if they had been shot and turned equally shaken gazes to the door. "Come in," Chakotay said automatically, and Janeway hastily moved farther away, trying to rearrange her expression from what she was sure was one of stunned incoherence, into one of calm.
It didn't work. B'Elanna Torres took one pace inside the room, looked at them both and stopped dead, immediately starting to back out, a myriad of emotions on her face. "Ah...sorry," the Klingon said rapidly, "I'll... uh...come back later."
Chakotay climbed to his feet, a familiar expressionless mask coming down over his face. "Never mind that, Lieutenant. Just report."
B'Elanna shot them both an uncomfortable glance, then straightened her shoulders and, looking only at him, said: "Yes, Sir. I...just came to tell you that we've rigged the transporters. We can send Captain Janeway back to her universe at any time." A muffled note of anguish came and went in her voice, so quickly that Janeway wasn't sure she had really heard it. And then B'Elanna gave them both a quick, uncertain look and turned and bolted from the room. The doors slid closed behind her and an awkward silence fell. Janeway blinked, her emotions still churning.
Finally Chakotay turned back to Janeway, who was still sitting motionless on the sofa. "What now?"
Janeway stared down at her hands, curled tightly in her lap and said hollowly: "I don't know."
TO BE CONTINUED