by Avalon (avalon99@telusplanet.net)
http://members.dencity.com/avalon_online
J/C, R, 5/7
THE WATER IS WIDE V
"Goodbyes"
Janeway felt cold. Which was ridiculous. The transporter room, like the rest of Voyager, maintained a careful and constant temperature, designed for maximum comfort for most humanoid lifeforms. True, if she were a Vulcan, she might have had an excuse, but she wasn't and she didn't. No, the ambient temperature around her had nothing to do with the chills running down her spine or the icy numbness of her fingers. She rubbed surreptitiously at them, carefully not looking at the transporter console where Chakotay was talking with B'Elanna. Instead, she turned aside and stared steadfastly at the wall, trying to silence the clamour within her mind.
What had she done? For that matter, what was she doing? If B'Elanna had not interrupted them in Chakotay's cabin... Well, she didn't know what might have happened. She liked to think that her common sense would have reasserted itself... but she couldn't be sure. In fact, she had more than a sneaking suspicion that if they had not been interrupted, she would have willingly fallen into bed with the man.
Which would have been a disaster. He wasn't her Chakotay, Janeway reminded herself forcibly. He wasn't the man with whom she had shared the last few years... Not the man with whom she had fallen in love. He was a stranger, someone she had only met yesterday. It didn't matter that he looked, sounded, talked, moved exactly the same as her Chakotay...he wasn't the same. And he wasn't hers.
Then why did the thought of leaving this reality... him...fill her with such a sense of dread and loss? Why did she want to stay so badly, and try to ease his pain? She could, Janeway knew. It would be so easy to step into the dead woman's shoes...to become her, to take over her existence from where she had left off. She could build a life with this Chakotay, maybe even have the family she had always wanted. And the rest of the crew -- they all needed her so desperately. She could help B'Elanna come to terms with the loss of Tom Paris, could...
No. How could she even be thinking this? Her own crew needed her. And she needed them.
But. What if...
Her mind shied away from the thought immediately but it refused to go away. Shuddering inwardly, she continued her examination of the wall.
What if she had already lost her own Chakotay forever? Even if she did order the ship back to Calasha'an, he could still refuse to come with her. Wouldn't it be better to seize what happiness she could, here with this man, in this reality?
No.
Janeway must have made some move, because Chakotay glanced up at her, meeting her eyes. Something of what she was feeling must have shown on her face, because a look of pure anguish crossed his own. Janeway swallowed and looked away.
Chakotay.
For an instant her resolution wavered, and Janeway took a tremulous step forward. Chakotay moved forward hastily, intercepting her.
"The transporters are ready, Captain," he said formally as she came to a halt. "If this is going to work, you need to go. Now. I'll operate the transporters myself." He shot a glance over his shoulder at B'Elanna, who nodded once, met Janeway's eyes briefly, then left the room.
Janeway waited until the doors had closed behind B'Elanna before turning to the man before her. "Chakotay... I..."
He shook his head, a quick, reflexive gesture. "Kathryn." The raw grief was back in his voice and she winced. "I don't want you to go, but..." He stopped.
"But I have to." She swallowed deeply. "I'm not sure I want to go either, but..." Her voice broke. "Chakotay," she managed to say...
...And then she was in his arms, his lips desperately seeking hers, his arms tightening around her. She didn't know...didn't care...how she had got there, who had moved first, she just kissed him back desperately, passion and blinding need mingling with loss and loneliness. For one senses-shattering moment nothing else mattered --not the ship, not the crew, nothing but the man in her arms.
And then something within her caused her to pull back and Janeway reluctantly stepped away from him, back onto the transporter pad. He let her go, his arms falling away, his eyes locked on hers. She drew an unsteady breath and said softly: "I'm sorry."
"So am I. Goodbye Kathryn. I...I love you."
She almost lost control then. Tears clouded her vision and she hastily averted her eyes, blinking furiously. She ran an unsteady hand across her eyes, hearing him walking away as she did so, back toward the console. A tremor went through her, but she forced herself to remain still. "This is for the best," she thought desperately. "I don't belong here. I could never belong here..." Hesitantly she looked up...and her heart splintered. He was crying. Silent tears were falling down his cheeks even as his hands moved across the panel.
"Chakotay," she said again, taking a hasty half-step forward, not certain what she was going to do...
...and the transporter beam engulfed her.
Janeway tried to cry out but he was already fading from her vision, cold grey fog replacing the lone figure by the console...
...and then he was gone.
* * *
"No!" Janeway lurching forward. She lurched forward, but caught herself with an effort. Taking a deep shuddering breath, she cautiously looked around.
Her surroundings had not changed. She was still in Voyager's transporter room...except now it was empty. He was gone. The shaft of pain that went through her left her blinded and blinking away tears. Janeway bit her lip. She could deal with her emotions later...right now there were more pressing concerns...like where she was. Had she returned to her own reality...or to yet another mirror universe?
Somewhat nervously, Janeway put her hand to her communicator pin. "Janeway to bridge." No answer. She tried again. Still nothing. She bit her lip. "Computer?"
"Working."
A ripple of relief went through her. "Computer, what is the ship's status?"
The flat tones of the machine did much to reassure her. "Voyager is travelling at warp four on a course heading..."
"Never mind. Is...is Commander Chakotay on board?" She found her stomach muscles clenching in anticipation. If she hadn't made it back, if...
"Commander Chakotay is not on board."
"When did he leave?"
"Two months, eight days..."
Janeway turned away, not listening to the rest. An enormous sigh of relief shook her. Two months. He was still on Calasha'an. And she was home.
Suddenly the events of the last several hours seemed to catch up with her and she sank abruptly to the edge of the transporter pad, sitting heavily and resting her arms on her knees. A hundred emotions whirled within her -- relief, grief, loss, joy, fear...and an overwhelming sense of betrayal.
She had hurt him. Hurt them both. She had driven her own Chakotay away with her unwillingness to move beyond her own fears, her inability to face her own emotions...and she had left the other Chakotay behind, destroying whatever happiness he might have had with her. How had she managed to hurt them both so badly? Despair rose up within her like bile and she clenched her fists tightly, afraid that if she let go, even for just a moment, she would lose control entirely.
Part of it was shock, Janeway realized distantly. The trip back, while less painful than her first unexpected sidetrip, had still left her reeling, both physically and emotionally. That, and the strain of the past few days were becoming too much. For an instant, she wanted nothing more than to lay down where she was, close her eyes, and make the world go away. But it wouldn't, and she couldn't. There was something she had to do first.
For a long moment Janeway sat unmoving. Finally, a lifetime later, she straightened and rose slowly, determination replacing the misery that had masked her face. Moving purposefully, she turned and left the transporter room.
* * *
Her trip through the corridor was eerily reminiscent of her walk through the other Voyager. Crewmembers turned to gape at her once again, as if she were indeed a ghost returned. At one point as she rounded a corner she had even encountered the same Ensign who had burst into tears at the sight of her on the other ship. Fortunately though, this time he had merely stared after her, his mouth open and a confused expression on his face.
A faint trickle of happiness began to seep through her. She was home. She had done it. And best of all, she had a second...or was it a third?...chance. She could mend her mistakes, put things right...and maybe even find what she had lost. A smile began to creep across her face.
She banished it hastily as she entered the Bridge. she paused, surreptitiously enjoying the effect as, first one, then all of the bridge crew saw her. All activity came crashing to a halt and, for an instant, they stood or sat in a frozen tableau before her. Janeway smothered a grin. She was home.
"Captain." Tuvok's eyebrows were reaching for the sky, the closest to surprised consternation she had ever heard from him in his voice.
"I'm back," Janeway said, rather unnecessarily into the silence.
"What happened? When we could find no trace of you, we assumed..."
Janeway cut him off. "It's...a long story. And I'll tell you all about it...but first...I want you to turn the ship around."
The silence, if anything, grew deeper. Once more she had to restrain the impulse to laugh at their startled looks. Harry, in particular, looked like a fish. Janeway paused, then finally allowed herself the smile that had been pulling at her lips. "We're going back, gentlemen. To Calasha'an. We're going back for Chakotay." It took everything she had not to let her voice ring out on the last word.
All around her answering smiles began to slowly appear. There was one more instant of silence and then Tom was reaching for the controls, an answering grin on his face. "Yes, ma'am," he said happily, setting the course into the computer. And Janeway had to fight down the exultation that surged up within her. She was home. And she had a second chance.
TO BE CONTINUED