by Avalon (avalon99@telusplanet.net)
http://members.dencity.com/avalon_online
J/C, R, 6/7
THE WATER IS WIDE VI
"Returns"
It was raining again. Janeway pushed futilely at her dripping hair and cursed as she stepped in yet another puddle. Did it never stop raining on this stupid planet? Whatever could have possessed Chakotay to want to stay here? A sigh went through her. She was obviously about to find out. Ahead, the faint form of a cabin, wreathed in tendrils of mist and barely visible through the constant drizzle, appeared. She checked her tricorder again. One human occupant. Alone.
Chakotay.
A pang went through Janeway as she gazed at the cabin. It was small but well made and looked rather like what she had imagined he would have built for her, if they had stayed on New Earth. At the memory, a shaft of longing, so intense it left her gasping, went through her. She wanted that cabin, she realized, and all that it represented. She wanted the man who had built it, his presence, his company...and his love.
She wanted Chakotay.
Janeway shifted her weight, shaking one wet foot slightly. It didn't help. She had reached total saturation point fifteen minutes ago and couldn't get any wetter. She could have saved herself this soaking, she thought ruefully, if she had transported down a little closer to the cabin, but she had wanted to give herself more time before she actually came face to face with Chakotay... and said what she needed to say.
She stared pensively at the cabin, not moving, once more running through the dozen or so convincing, logical arguments she had come up with to persuade Chakotay to return to Voyager with her. But he wouldn't be persuaded by logic, she knew. She was going to have to bare her soul to him. And even that might not be enough. A flicker of dread went through her. What if she couldn't do it? What if the words stuck in her throat and...
No. No more fears, no more putting this off. "Do what you came to do, Kathryn," she told herself firmly, forcing herself forward. Slowly she walked through the rain toward the cabin.
* * *
Her pulse was racing by the time she reached the dwelling, and it wasn't from the exercise. She hesitated, trying to calm her hammering heart, then, her mouth dry and her hands shaking, she knocked on the door.
It was probably only a few seconds but it felt like a lifetime before the door slowly began to swing inward. At that moment, Janeway briefly considered bolting back into the forest...and then it was too late. Chakotay stood framed in the doorway. Her breath caught in her throat.
He was wearing a loose shirt, dark trousers and an expression of incredulity on his face. His hair had grown, she noticed with part of her mind, and a wave of pure sexual desire coursed through her, leaving her shivering in its wake.
"Kathryn?" he whispered blankly.
Fleetingly her mind returned to another universe, to another Chakotay who had looked at her like that, once upon a time...was it really only a few weeks ago? And, as she had done then, she nodded wordlessly.
This Chakotay didn't seize her and kiss her though, and disappointment flared once, deep within her, and then was gone. This Chakotay was holding himself too still, as if he feared he might be dreaming...or hallucinating...
"I'm really here," she said softly, restraining the impulse to reach out and touch his arm.
Chakotay blinked once, as if coming out of a trance, his eyes running slowly over her face. Still he said nothing.
The dread inside Janeway increased. This was going to be harder than she thought. She licked suddenly dry lips. "Can...can I come in?"
He started, as if remembering himself, and silently took a pace back, holding the door for her. Janeway moved tentatively past him, catching her breath as her shoulder brushed against his. Was it her imagination, or did he flinch? And if so...why? Janeway swallowed nervously.
Warmth hit her as she entered the cabin and she shivered, once more conscious of her soaked uniform and sodden hair. Behind her, Chakotay closed the door and she turned to face him. The look of shock on his face was gone, replaced by an expressionless mask that told her nothing of what he was feeling. Was he happy to see her? Angry? Annoyed? Indifferent? She shivered again, but not from the cold.
He noticed. "You're wet," he said, rather unnecessarily.
"Yes," Janeway breathed, unable to take her eyes off him, feasting on his presence.
And then he was moving briskly past her, pulling extra clothes from a drawer and handing them to her. "Here," he said, not quite meeting her eyes, "You should dry yourself off before you catch pneumonia. You can change in there." He nodded toward room to his left. "We'll...we'll talk afterwards."
"Thank you," she managed to say, staring at him for a moment more before carefully skirting around him and heading in the direction indicated. She could feel his eyes on her, watching as she moved across the room. Janeway bit her lip. This wasn't going at all as she had planned. He had given her no indication that he was pleased to see her, had done nothing except let her in and give her dry clothes. "And that's probably only because he doesn't want me dripping on the floor," she thought sourly as she closed the door to the small anteroom behind her.
* * *
By the time Janeway had managed to peel off her soaked uniform off and change into the garments he had given her, a task made doubly difficult by the slight shaking of her hands, she was a great deal warmer...but no happier. What was she supposed to say when she went back out? What if he didn't want to listen to her? He could have built a life here, might not want to hear her declaration. Maybe she should just go...
No. That would be cowardice. And she owed him the truth. No matter what he felt, or didn't feel for her, she owed him...and herself...that much. Granted, it was late in coming...she should have told him months, possibly years ago...but it was better than never telling him at all. And at least she would know that she had tried, that she hadn't given him up without a fight...
Speaking of which...there had been no sign of Aliyda or anyone else living in this cabin with him, Janeway realized suddenly, as she ran her fingers through her damp and tangled hair, trying to put it in some sort of order. That was reassuring. Actually, deep down, she hadn't really believed she would find the alien here. All of her instincts were telling her that Chakotay hadn't left her to be with Aliyda. No, there had to be another reason. And she was going to find out what it was.
Janeway sighed and turned to give one last look at her appearance in the mirror. She grimaced. Her hair was tangled and her efforts with her fingers obviously hadn't done much good. There were dark shadows under her eyes and the clothes he had lent her were too big. Still, her appearance was the least of her concerns right now... Tucking her hair behind her ears, she took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders, and reached for the door.
* * *
Chakotay was crouching before the fire, poking at it with a stick when she emerged. A shower of sparks fell while she watched him, her gaze locked on the play of muscles across his back and shoulders.
As if sensing the intensity of her gaze, Chakotay stood slowly and turned around, meeting her eyes. For an instant emotion flared in his own, something she almost recognized but couldn't quite put a name to, and then it was gone, hidden behind the mask that dropped immediately over his features. Janeway took another unsteady breath.
"Are you warmer now?" Chakotay asked.
She couldn't read what was in his voice any more than she could see through his expressionless features. No, this wasn't going to be easy.
"Yes," she replied. "Thank you." An uncomfortable silence fell between them.
Finally, Chakotay shifted slightly and asked unceremoniously: "Why did you come back?" There was a tentative note in his voice now.
A tremor went through her. This was it. She raised her chin a little and replied slowly. "I had to see you." Suddenly Janeway found the power of his gaze unnerving and she looked away. "Do you mind if we sit down?" she asked. "This could take a while."
Chakotay paused then waved a hand at a nearby chair, taking a seat himself.
Janeway sat down and shot him a sidelong look. "I...look, Chakotay...there's something I need to know but I have to tell you certain things first, and...and I'd appreciate it if you don't say anything until I finish. Please?" She dared another glance at him. He nodded slowly, all his attention locked on her. "Thank you," she said, licking dry lips.
Where to start? In the weeks it had taken to return to Calasha'an, she had rehearsed this meeting so many times she had practically memorized what she would say, but now all the carefully planned speeches flew out of her mind and, for a moment, there was only blankness. For an instant she sat blankly, her brain and limbs frozen, then she slowly climbed to her feet, moving to pace across the room, not meeting his gaze. With the movement came thought.
"All right." Janeway took a deep breath. "I came back because I needed to know why...why you left." There were no tremors in her voice now, she was pleased to note. Chakotay made a small movement, as if he would answer, and she continued hastily before you could speak. "But before you answer that...I need you to listen to me." She paused and glanced at him.
Chakotay frowned slightly, then nodded slowly. "All right, Kathryn," he said. "I'm listening."
TO BE CONTINUED