A/N: okay, this is just something I threw together for Nanaki Lioness's Matt/Tai friendship fic contest. The beginning is REALLY fuzzy and hazy, so don't get mad at me if you don't understand.
And away we go! ^_^
Rockabye
"And just before she hangs her head to cry,
I sing to her a lullaby."
-Shawn Mullin, "Lullaby"-
The sky opened up before me; all I saw was black, with tiny dots of stars looking down on me.
~"Hey Tai, can I go too?"
"Sure, Kari…"~
So she came with me. And she danced. And I danced. And we partied. And I drank.
~"You want me to call you a cab, Tai? You don't look so good."
"Don't worry, Tai, I'm catching a ride home with TK and his
friend."~
That was fine. I eased into the taxi as she waved goodbye. Was that the last time I saw her alive? I think it was, but I can't remember.
~"Tai, please, wake up…the hospital just called, there's
been an accident."~
Dad was so calm about it. Did he not care? Or was it just
not registering in his head that his daughter was so badly hurt? Mom was in tears in the doorway, clutching
something in her hand. I couldn't see
it very clearly because my vision was so blurry and my eyes refused to focus,
but it looked faintly like a pale pink scarf.
I had barely any time to get dressed before my parents were
urging me out the door. I had just
managed to grab Kari's crest of light from off of her dresser when dad grabbed
me by the wrist and dragged me out the door and threw me into the car. The ride to the hospital was like a trip to
hell.
~"Drunk driver… TK's friend… alcohol… driver's already dead… TK's recovering… Kari… Kari… Kari…. critical…"~
Mom just couldn't stop crying. She was huddled in the front seat, sobbing uncontrollably, wailing about something to do with "her little girl".
What was going on? Kari was fine. She had put me in
the cab, she had waved goodbye. Kari
wasn't hurt. Just like she wasn't
dying. We were frantic to get to the
hospital. Deluded me, I thought it was
just so we could pick her up and take her home. I don't think I fully understood that we were rushing to see her
one last time.
But when we got there, we were too late. We managed to burst into the emergency room
just as the mortician was covering her body with a white blanket. I remembered running to her, grabbing her
hand, and yelling at her to wake up. Her hand was icy cold, I couldn't see her face for the sheet, and I
didn't want to.
~"I'm so sorry…there was nothing we could do…she was just
losing way too much blood."~
All I could see in the back of my mind was the cab pulling away. I looked out the rear-view window, and saw her waving goodbye, her hand moving in a warm arc, her face crying out a joyous "Seeya at home, Tai!".
She never got to see me at home.
The wake was hellish, as was the funeral, the burial, and
pretty much life in general. Everyone
walked around me like I was glass, touching me ever-so-gently, looking at me
like I was a poor, unfortunate soul. For God's sake, I wasn't some victim of a war…my sister was just dead,
that's all.
I remember sitting in class, and feeling the tears. I remembered the feel of collapsing against
the desk in shattered sobs, feeling the damp notebook absorb my cries for help,
and I remembered hearing the people standing over me, their hands feather-light
against my shoulders.
And not once did anyone give me the hug that I so
desperately needed. They all knew they
could never bring her back, they all knew that they couldn't hug me like Kari
could; they all knew that there was nothing they could do. Sometimes I wonder if they even tried to
comfort me at all.
Which lead me here. The cars and people on the street below me looked like ants as I stood
on the ledge of the building. Funny how
something so insignificant can make you feel like a God for a few, fleeting
moments. The cool, metal chain of the
crest of light threaded through my fingers, the flat chill of the pendant was
against my palm.
It would all be over, soon. I drew a long, shuddering breath of night air, letting it linger in my
lungs, then releasing it in a puff of hazy steam.
Gone, they were all gone. Mom and dad were away at my grandmother's, consoling her over the
loss. I had said I wanted to stay home.
They understood. It
was natural for me to grieve, right?
But what they didn't know is what I had planned. It'd be a big surprise when they found me
splattered against the pavement when they got home.
"Kari…" I whispered meekly into the night. Kari: my life, my joy, my pride, my sister.
I would have given her the world if she had wanted it; I
would have taken a bullet to save her life, yet in one moment of idiocy I let
my guard down and she had died because of it.
And it was because of my stupid actions that everyone was
grieving, that everyone was upset, and that I would never get to see her
laughing, shining face ever again.
There was a creak of metal that startled me a bit. I had to keep my balance to prevent myself
from toppling prematurely down into the abyss that was Odaiba.
"Tai…?" a familiar voice asked softly, "Tai? Where are-
TAI! GET DOWN FROM
THAT LEDGE!!!"
I looked over my shoulder and back at the person
speaking. Matt was already scuttling
across the rooftop, watching me with fear in his wide blue eyes.
"Stay back." I demanded, my voice twisted by the tears that
had been unshed.
Matt looked up at me plaintively, but stubbornly persisted
forward.
"Tai," he whimpered, "are you crazy? Get ahold of yourself! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
I turned my face back to the endless oblivion that was
before me, and I tilted my face up to drink from the starlight.
"Ending it all…" I replied thoughtfully.
The blonde let out a half-whine, half-growl as he watched me
from a distance of several feet away, not daring to move any closer, for fear
that I might jump.
"Ending it?" he cried, "What are you ending if you die,
Tai? The grief? You're just making the pain that much
greater on your family and friends!"
I shut my eyes and let the breeze wash over me.
"I want the pain to go away," I replied, my voice
breaking. I could feel tears looming in
the back of my throat, threatening to burst forth in a strangled cry and weep
to the world how unfair it was that God took my little sister away from me.
"And pass it on to somebody else?" he snapped. I opened my eyes and pivoted my head to look
at him incredulously. These were
perhaps his last moments with me, and he was spending them criticizing my
choice? His eyes were hard and cold, as
I had seen them a thousand times before.
"Pass those feelings of grief to somebody like me, Tai?" he
asked bitterly. I hung my head sadly.
"I'm sorry, Yama," I whispered, "but I must do this. It's not your fault, it's mine…"
I turned so that my back was facing the world.
"It was my fault that Kari died," I confessed, my lip
trembling slightly, "she put me in the car and told me she was getting a ride
home with Takeru and his friend. She
didn't know his friend was drunk; she was completely unprepared. And I was so irresponsible I just sit back
and LET it happen. I can't carry this
cross any more, I just want to end this so I don't have to live another day
with my sins."
There was a long silence, as Matt fumbled for his voice.
"Tai…" he whimpered, "how can you say those things? How can you blame this tragedy on yourself? You had no hand in how fate played its
cards…"
I spread my arms open wide, like a crucified sinner,
repenting to the heavens for one last chance, and I turned to look at him. The stars clouded whatever vision I had
left, along with the haze of tears, and I looked helplessly at him, watching as
he stood meek and dumbfounded before the gates of my destiny. Why did he have to walk me here? Why did he have to watch?
Why did he care so bloody much?
"You can't possibly understand…" I whispered.
And with that, I leaned back, and I started to feel the air
part for me. The end, the sweet
end. I would soon be with Kari, without
worry or pain.
My mind jerked into reality as a hand grabbed each wrist,
and I jerked open my eyes wide, to see Matt's panicked, angry, and strangely
compassionate face before me.
"Try me," he half-growled, half-begged. My eyes widened in shock. One of his feet was pushing against the
ledge, keeping his balance in tact, while each hand held a firm grip on my
forearms. The insoles of my shoes were
curved over the edge of the cement building, keeping me from tumbling over the
edge in some sort of makeshift acrobatics act.
"Just let me die…" I pleaded weakly. He shook his head defiantly.
"No," he replied sternly, "Look at me, Tai, look into my
eyes." I did. They were brimming with
unshed tears of anguish and hurt, mostly of fear. They shimmered with warmth in their icy tone. They were new.
"Tai," he begged, "you were given the crest of courage for a
reason. You have the strength to go on,
you can't let this destroy your life!"
"I can't go on like this anymore!" I moaned, "I need to stop
this madness!"
Matt's eyes still retained their composure, but they
betrayed his worry.
"TAI!!!" He cried, "Tai, even if you can't go on alone, you
don't have to worry about being all by yourself! Have you forgotten TK was badly injured in the car crash,
too? Tai, no matter what you think,
you're never alone! Your family and
friends are there for you! I'M there
for you!!!"
I looked at him in surprise. Matt never needed anyone, he never let anyone knew he cared. He was always so cool, calm and
collected. This was unlike the Matt I
knew; he was actually frightened. But
why?
'Because he thinks he's going to lose his best friend.'
The words permeated my mind, and it suddenly dawned on
me. If I died, I would only be
expanding the circle of grief. Goodness
knows Matt would feel bad enough about my death, and do something to himself,
too. Then what would happen to TK?
The whole thing made my head spin, and I stooped slightly.
"Yama…" I groaned, feeling sick to my stomach, "Take me
back…"
I felt his hands pulls me towards him with gentle strength,
and I lurched forwards, toppling into him and sending us both sprawling across
the tiled surface of the roof. I
spilled onto him, and my hands found his black woollen coat, gripping the
fabric so hard my knuckles were probably white, and I sobbed. He sat up and pulled me into a hug, gasping
for air.
"Tai," he whispered, "Thank God you're safe…"
I shook like a leaf, I couldn't understand my fate and I
guess at that point I didn't want to. All I knew is that I was safe and in the hands of a friend. And he would never let anything bad happen
to me.
I trusted him.
Trembling, I threw my arms around his neck and buried my
face into his shoulder. His supportive
hands wrapped around my back and rubbed circles against my coat, soothing me
until my tears were nothing more than brief hiccups for air. His murmured words of support against my
mounds of hair were all I ever needed during those last long, miserable few
days. It was a sin they were almost too
late.
I pulled away and leaned up against the well behind us,
sitting next to him. Pulling my knees
to my chest, I looked out at the endless black that would have been my final
memory before I had died, if he hadn't have been there for me.
"You feeling better, Tai?" he asked. Looking out at what might have been my fate,
my mouth went dry.
"I don't know." Was my honest reply. Matt grunted in response.
"That's a given, huh?" he asked after a long pause, "I mean,
you've been through a lot. I was just
wondering if…you were looking forward to living more now, instead of looking to
end it."
I fisted away the cool, semi-moist, sticky tears on my face,
and swallowed hard. Was I really
looking forward to life, or would death have proved favourable?
I looked over towards my saviour, and couldn't help but
crack a smile.
"I am," I whispered softly, "maybe not looking forward as much
as bracing myself, but I think I can manage. But remember…"
He had been watching the stars and the lights of planes in
the sky, but his head swivelled to look me in the eye.
"Hmn?" he asked, blue eyes betraying nothing but earnest
friendship. The cold night air subsided
its merciless torrent, and I felt at peace.
"You have to be there to help," I stated firmly, "when I
need it. I don't want you leaving me
when I'm feeling down, lest I resort to this again…" I gestured to the cement
ledge that had been my perch moments ago. He grunted good-naturedly and put an arm around my shoulder, bringing me
closer until the sides of our heads touched, and we leaned against eachother,
each being our only support in the world.
"I'll always be your friend, Tai," he said, "There was never
a time where I wasn't."
I nodded, glad to be reassured for once, instead of being
the one doing the reassuring. The stars
danced high above our heads and we watched, until the night chill became too
much, and we decided to go home to my house and watch them from the living room
window, with the comfort of hot chocolate.
Before we left, I stood before the ledge again, watching the
blackness with conviction. Now I know
why Kari had the crest of light. The
black seemed so empty, and yet she was so full of life. She was bright and energetic and kind, not
dull and reserved and cold like the bleak darkness I was looking towards for
salvation. She was light.
The crest of light, it was still threaded in my fingers,
still clutched in my hand.
"You're not reconsidering, are you?" Matt asked from behind
me, standing off to one side. I shook
my head and opened my hand, looking down at the trinket it held fondly.
"No," I stated simply, "just remembering her."
There was a moment of stillness as he paused, then walked
over to me, putting a supportive hand on my shoulder.
"Tai," he whispered softly, barely audible over the rustle
of wind, "let her go. She wants to join
the stars, but she can't, because you wont let her."
I trembled slightly as I looked down at the delicate flower
pattern carved in bright pink on the crest. It was soft and feminine, just like her.
"I don't want to forget her." I whimpered plaintively,
watching as the flickers of stars played against the smoothness of the metal tag.
"You'll never forget her," he whispered in response, "she
was a part of everyone's lives, and she'll always be there, whenever you need
her. Just let her join the rest of the
souls, Tai, just let her be one with them again."
I nodded weakly, and turned to leave with him, but in an
instant, I spun on a heel and pulled my arm back and whipped it forward,
launching the trinket I had held so dearly to go sailing into the night
air. I watched as it disintegrated into
tiny flecks of bright pink light and caught the breeze, soaring up into the sky
to join the lives of the saints and the angels, watching over me always.
"I'll remember you Kari!" I called out into the sky, tears
now falling freely down my face, and a small smile spread across my face as
Matt's supportive arm wound around my shoulder. I struggled to find the last words. Letting go was the hardest part, but it had to be done. Finally, I called out to Odaiba, to my
friends and family, and to my dearly departed sister, my last request for her
free soul:
"Rest in peace!"
~***~
"She
grew up with
The children of the stars, in the
Hollywood hills and the boulevard.
Her parents threw big parties,
Everyone was there.
They hung out with folks like Dennis
Hopper, Bob Seeger, Sonny and Cher.
She feels safe now,
In the bar on Fairfax,
And from the stage I can tell that
She can't let go, and she can't relax.
And just before
She hangs here head to cry,
I sing to her a lullaby. I sing:
Everything's gonna be all right,
Rockabye, rockabye.
She still lives with her mom
Outside the city,
Down that street about a half a mile.
And all her friends tell her
She's so pretty,
But she'd be a whole lot prettier
If she smiled once in a while.
'Cause even her smile
Looks like a frown,
She's seen her share of devils
In this angel town.
But, everything's gonna be all right,
Rockabye, rockabye.
I told her 'I ain't so sure
About this place',
It's hard to play a gig in this town
And keep a straight face.
Seems like everyone here's got a plan;
It's kind of like Nashville with a tan.
But, everything's gonna be all right,
Rockabye, rockabye.
Everything's gonna be all right,
Rockabye, rockabye."