Part II: Loonquil's interviews
Disclaimer: I do not take responsibility for this writing, as it was dictated to me by a rather clever squirrel that happens to like Gundam Wing, regardless of any views or opinions in this fic.
While Shi-sama was wreaking havoc on Relena, Duo, and Wufei, Loonquil decided to search the studio restaurant for Gundam pilots, and maybe even a sandwich. (not much chance of finding one of those} Upon entering the restaurant, Loonquil sees Heero, Quatra and Trowa sitting, oddly enough, at a table. "Let's see, what was I planning on saying to them?" he thought, desperately trying to remember what Shi-Sama had told him to say. "Oh yeah," he remembered as he approached.
"Hello", Loonquil said, feeling proud that he remembered to say it. In response to this friendly greeting, Heero pulled out a 9mm pistol and began firing multiple shots in Loonquil's general direction. As Loonquil dives for cover behind a nearby table, Quatra calls out "Don't mind Heero. That's just his way of saying 'hi'." Just as Loonquil thought it was safe to get up Heero reloads and fires again. Trowa, noticing Loonquil's uneasiness, says, "He must be happy to see you. He usually only fires a few shots." "Great", Loonquil mutters, "I knew I shouldn't have worn the makeup guy's clothes."
Forty-five minutes later Heero runs out of ammo for his pistol. Just as Loonquil is about to sit down, a fly buzzes over Heero's head. "That fly is annoying. I'm going to kill it," Heero declares coldly. Quatra, drawing a sword, replies in his typical whiny voice, "I can't let you harm that innocent creature." Heero parries Quatra's attack with his fly swatter, and grabs a nearby beam-rifle. Firing at point blank range, he manages to miss in traditional anime fashion and detonate a nearby table. Meanwhile, at yet another nearby table, a cameraman swats the pesky fly. Upon seeing this, Quatra, vowing to fight for the honour of the departed fly, pulls out a submachine gun and fires a burst in the direction of the cameraman.
Loonquil decides that this would be a good time to go buy a can of Mountain Dew. As he inserts a second quarter into the machine, a large explosion echoes from the other room, and a rain of debris flies through the door. Loonquil decides that maybe he should stay and get another can. He returns to the restaurant to find that Heero and Quatra, having expended all their ammo, are now viciously poking each other with forks.
"I see you went to the vending machine," Trowa notes. Loonquil, feeling the need to defend his actions, replies, "Well I was thirsty." Trowa, slipping into his icy monotone voice, says "Tactically that was the right thing to do. You were thirsty, had money, and were near a vending machine...A textbook perfect maneuver. However you underestimated the restaurant's coffee." Loonquil, irritated by Trowa's condescending manner, angrily replies, "How is any of that relevant. I got something to drink, probably cheaper than the restaurant's coffee." "But at what cost," cries Trowa. "You are no longer thirsty, and will never again get a chance to taste the coffee. This tactical blunder will cause you great problems in later battles."
Loonquil was about to respond to this when Shi-Sama burst through the door, followed by a machine gun wielding pacifist who wasn't looking very peaceful at the moment. In fact she looked more like a Cats member than a gun-wielding pacifist. Although, since she was wielding a machine gun, that isn't a very accurate description. It would probably be more accurate to say that she looked like a gun-wielding cat that was trying to be a pacifist and was failing. In other words, she was pissed.
Despite the Cats style makeup job, Heero recognizes the machine gun wielding pacifist as none other than Relena. Grabbing a 9mm pistol that was mysteriously unnoticed in any of the previous fights, charges towards her yelling, "I'm going to kill you Relena!" Relena aims her Tommy gun at Heero and screams, "You'll kill me…over my dead body!" Loonquil is about to point out the absurdity of Relana's last statement, when Shi-sama grabs him and drags him into an adjoining room.
As the battle rages on, Loonquil commandeers a computer and proceeds to log into the fanfiction.net account. Thirty minutes later, as the combatants in the nearby restaurant begin to run out of ammo, Loonquil and Shi-sama have uploaded their reports, and are ready to leave. As they walk into the restaurant, they see a large mob of angry Gundam Wing fans, and studio personnel blocking all exits. Wufei breaks a nail, and begins to cry. The mob's numbers are reduced as both of her fans rush over to comfort her. Shi-sama, deciding that the mob looks hostile, says, "Let's get in that gundam and fight our way out of here." Loonquil, wondering what "gundam" she is referring to, looks around and notices a prop in the corner. "Don't you think it looks a little two-dimensional?" he asks sarcastically. "I don't see what you're trying to get at," Shi-sama replies, looking confused. Loonquil, annoyed by Shi-sama's failure to see the obvious, yells, "It's a freaking piece of cardboard!" Shi-sama, finally getting the point, replies, "Well how do we get out of here then?"
As the angry mob closes in on the authors, Loonquil has a sudden inspiration. Turning his back on the mob, he pulls out several dozen small pieces of tin foil from his pocket. As he turns around again, he tosses the tin foil at the crowd while yelling, "Look, it's shiny!!" Loonquil and Shi-sama slip out in the chaos that ensues. By the time the mob begins to regain its usual order, the authors have found a spaceship (there's always one of these things lying around) and are orbiting the Earth.
Shi-sama, realizing that the mob would hunt them down as soon as they landed, decides to make a giant baking soda bomb and destroy the mob with it. She gets a bomb casing out and begins filling it with baking soda. Loonquil, worried that she might make too powerful of an explosive, tells her, "I think that's enough baking soda." Shi-sama agrees, and starts pouring nitroglycerin, gunpowder, and every other explosive she can find. Ignoring Loonquil's protests, she drops the bomb on the studio. A very large explosion rocks the ship, and as the smoke clears, the earth is nowhere to be seen. Delighted by her handiwork, Shi-sama says, "Well, looks like we took care of them. No one can stop us now, we're the only ones left." She then begins laughing hysterically. Loonquil, looking confused, asks, "Then who is going to read our fic?" Shi-sama abruptly falls silent, and for once she does not have an answer.
Well that's our story, and we're sticking to it. Hope you enjoyed it, but if not, we're glad to have wasted your time.