Whee! For once I get half-way through a fic before I get flamed! I feel so loved! Oh, yeah. Jyou-tachi are owned by Bandai. Only my thought process is my own. Hopefully everyone is SOMEWHAT in character… Don't sue me. I like cheese. Are you still reading this?! And that about wraps it up.
Again, this part is told by Jyou. No icky stuff (well, actually that kinda depends on your taste in fics…^_^;;) so that means it's shounen-ai. I don't think I'd write a yaoi (explicit) digimon fic… A little bit angst-y (more so than the other parts, I apologize), a lot of Jyou-type sarcasm, and a turning point…kind of.
Paper Moon, Part Three
Say it's only a paper moon
Sailing over a cardboard sea
But it wouldn't be make believe
If you believed in me
He's warm, so warm. It's amazing how his lips feel against mine. I've never been this close to another person, but I can hear his heartbeat growing to a dull roar in my ears until it's nearly unbearable. Then he finally breaks away to face the others. He's still close to me though, his arm curled around my waist.
Finally our friends explode in a veritable volcanic eruption of questions. The force is almost enough to blow the two of us away. I wait for it to die down. No such luck.
If this onslaught of questions , accusations, and exclamations keeps on, you can kiss my ears goodbye I'm sure of it. The noise pollution alone is enough to send people to their windows to stare at the commotion in the street below. I have a sudden inane urge to shout "Don't worry! It's just a midnight circus! Come one, come all! Freak show free of charge!"
"Why didn't you just tell us?!" Sora-kun exclaims, grinning from ear to ear. "There was no reason to keep it a secret! Omedetou! Have you set a wedding date yet?" The last part is said with a friendly teasing lilt.
Why do I suddenly feel like crying?
"Just think! Now you two can dress as a pair. That'll be sooo cute! If you need some help picking out clothes you know who to call." Mimi-kun, of course. I know for some couples, wearing matching outfits is par for the course. I personally think it just looks stupid. Not to mention Yamato-kun and I aren't really a couple. We're just a lie.
"It just doesn't make sense. 'Yamato-san and Jyou-san?!' Together?" I'm really worried about Koushirou-kun, I think the illogic of the situation has about fried his neural wiring.
"So you liked the movie, Jyou-san?" That's Takeru-kun, who has managed to make it to his brother's and my side, grinning shyly. "I picked it out myself! Y'see, niichan hasn't gone on many dates, so…"
"Takeru," Yamato-kun interrupts with a mock glare, "Hasn't anyone ever told you not to tell everything you know?"
"I just thought Jyou-san might need some vital information…" Takeru-kun grins, dancing out of his brother's reach
The only two silent are Taichi-kun and Hikari-chan, Taichi-kun looking for all the world like someone has just stolen his best friend. And I know who did it, too. Me.
***
What a night. All I want to do is sleep; I feel like I could sleep for a thousand years. I struggle to fit my key into a suddenly resisting lock, only to have the door open suddenly in my face. Shin-niichan stares down at me. I can tell he's reading my face as any I would read a book. I quickly look down at the floor, knowing my eyes are probably the most expressive part of me.
"You want to tell me what's wrong, or do I have to pry it out of you?" He asks. Oops. I forgot looking away is just as much an admission of guilt as stamping it to my forehead. I can usually hide my feelings from my parents, but from niichan? Never!
I know he won't give me any peace until I tell him. I sigh and lead the way to my room. Glancing around, it's like I'm seeing it for the first time. A small bookcase in the corner, mostly schoolbooks and the odd series by Tanaka Yoshiki, "Arslan Senki" and "Souryuuden" being my two favorites. Of course, I've learned first hand that reading fantasies is more fun than living them. In the very least, books don't give your feet blisters. My bed is on the other side, starkly made with a dark blue comforter. Then, the real center of my room: my desk. Obviously the most lived in part, as can be seen by the neatly stacked piles of paper and the two open textbooks. No movie star posters adorn my walls, no shelf of trophies. In short, "my" room is just "a" room, as devoid of any real personality as most people expect when they first lay eyes on me.
"So I take it the date didn't go too well?" Shin-niichan asks, trying to get me to open up. He sits on the bed and looks at me.
"Yes? No? I don't know!" I have to modulate my voice, just in case my dad walks in. "Listen…I'm not really going out with Yamato-kun because he wants me to." Once I begin I can't stop, the whole story cascades past my lips in a confused jumble.
"He just wants to see if Taichi-kun likes him…" I finally finish. Niichan looks at the ground, his face unreadable.
"Then why?" Now his eyes are burning into mine; I step back from the anger I see in them. "Why are you DOING this to yourself?! Do you really have such a LOW opinion of yourself that you'd be this desperate for – for WHAT?! A date? You don't think someone could love you on your OWN merits?!"
"It's not LIKE that!!" I yell. Shin-niichan looks startled. I'm so angry I can't speak, my whole body is shaking and my fingernails gouge tiny half-crescents into my palms as I clench my fists. Finally manage to get air into my lungs. "You – you wouldn't understand! Everything is handed to you! You don't have any REAL problems; hell, you WANT to be a doctor, you HAVE a steady girlfriend who loves you! You're in control of your life! Me, I've never been in control. I've never been able to do what I wanted, had someone who wants to go out with me! The person I love has no clue I like them! Is it any wonder that I want to help out Yamato-kun!? That I don't want him to make the same mistake I did?! He actually has enough courage to go for the guy he likes and if he needs my help, then I'll be DAMNED if I'm not going to do whatever's in my power to help him!"
"Well, if that's the way you feel." His tone cools me off as if a bucket of ice water has been dumped over my head; I've never heard him sound so cold. He brushes off his pants as he gets up to leave. "Maybe I have problems of my own too. By the way; just so you know, I proposed to Michiko this afternoon." He pauses, but I'm too stunned to react. Finally he continues. "She said no. Goodnight, ototou."[1]
And then I'm alone; a stranger in a strange room. The memory of Yamato-kun's kiss returns unbidden and unwanted to me as I pull my bed sheets up to my chin; the warmth I felt as his body pressed against mine. And I can't help but wish that it was…I'll stop right there. I'm a realist, aren't I?
Sometimes I think a realist is nothing more than someone who dreams, and then tells himself his dream can't come true.
***
The week passes quickly, as they usually do. I try to throw myself into my work (No, not literally! Knowing my luck, all I'd end up with is a slew of paper cuts and a migraine from all the terms I have to memorize), that way I won't have time for my thoughts to come back to haunt me when I'm alone.
Yamato has been meeting me every day after juku. I expected to feel awkward around him after what had happened, but instead I feel oddly comforted by his presence. It's easy to talk to him. Maybe this experience hasn't been all bad so far; it seems to have brought us two closer at any rate. I think he can tell something's wrong though, because sometimes I catch him staring at me strangely when he thinks I'm not watching. Sora-kun and Mimi-kun have been calling me up non-stop. I think Mimi-kun has my wardrobe picked out until I turn seventy-five, or I die…whichever comes first. I would have expected a different reaction from those two, considering that Yamato-kun is the resident "ii otoko" [2], but they've been almost unbearably supportive.
I'm on my way to the meeting right now; we've decided to meet in the park this time. The days are getting nicer and the flowers are just starting to bloom, no doubt to end up rolled over by some overly amorous late night couple. I feel bad for the gardeners.
Koushirou-kun is the only one there as I finally make it to the sprawling tree the eight of us usually meet under. I sit down beside him, hoping I won't get grass stains on my butt this time. I do what I can to spare myself lectures at home.
For once, to my surprise, Koushirou-kun doesn't have his trusty laptop; instead he's carrying an almost equally familiar bundle. Well, familiar to me, that is. It's a portable chess set.
My grandfather taught me how to play chess when I was six, right before he passed away. Before I knew how to play, I would make up elaborate stories with the game pieces. He'd always sit and watch me with a smile on his face; I think he just enjoyed spending time with me.
"I thought we could play a game before the others got here." Koushirou-kun says, fishing me out of Memory River. He sets up the board and the pieces on the uneven terrain under the tree, the shadows through the leaves casting a hypnotizing pattern on the black and white board; he's even let me play white this time (our mutual favorite).
"How did you know I would get here first?" I ask, last time I checked, Koushirou-kun's multitude of talents didn't include telepathy.
"It was a simple mathematical probability." He explains as he makes the first move. "Your house is the closest to the park."
Koushirou-kun is a much better player than I am, but out of all the others, I'm the only one he plays with. Maybe it's because, even though I don't usually win, there's enough of a chance I will to make things interesting. I don't know…
"It really shocked me, seeing you two together, I mean." Koushirou-kun exclaims, never taking his eyes off the board. It takes me a moment to understand what he's talking about. For some odd reason I feel strangely insulted.
"Am I that repulsive? My face hasn't scared any small children or animals…lately." I sarcastically mumble. Koushirou-kun seems genuinely surprised at my remark.
"No, it's not that. It's just…well…" I realize that I can nearly see the top of his head; he's looking almost straight down. His hands are clenching clumps of sod, I realize in a bizarre moment of clarity. Too bad I can't understand what he's getting at. What he says next comes out in a rush. "I-it just seems to me that you two have absolutely nothing in common. Nothing at all."
Would it really hurt to tell him the truth? I feel that if I could trust anyone, it would be Koushirou-kun. I'm not the type of person that tells other people's secrets; I like to think I'm trustworthy in that way, but seeing Koushirou-kun so upset over something so…so...trivial…well, I know he can keep a secret just as well as I can.
"Koushirou-kun. I'm only doing this to help Yamato-kun out." I half-whisper. "He likes…someone…and I'm just seeing if that someone has feelings for him too."
Koushirou-kun's eyes widen. "It's Taichi-san, isn't it?" His voice is low. "How can you just sit there and TELL me that?! How can you manipulate someone, toy with their feelings like that?!"
"Hasn't there ever been someone you like, but you've been afraid of their rejection? So much that it paralyzes you, and you can't even TALK to them? You just watch them out of the corner of your eye, silently begging them to look at you…" I trail off as I notice two twin trails of tears flowing down Koushirou-kun's face.
"Yes…dammit…yes, I do!" He chokes.
tsuzuku (to be continued)
Ending notes:
[1] Shin's girlfriend is a figment of my imagination. Don't mistake her for anything else. ::grin::
[2] "ii otoko" loosely translates as "good-looking guy".