Yes, I am absolutely DETERMINED to finish this fic! After this part, there's only one left…and then I get to start on 'Canvas Sky'…yay. Anyway, since the other four parts have contained shounen-ai, what makes you think that this part won't? Well, this is my absolute favorite chapter so far, I've been looking forward to writing this for a loooong time! Still from Jyou's POV. Still angsty, but not as much as the previous chapter...except at the end. Also, before I post Part Six (yeah, I know, I hate it when authors give ultimatums too…) I'd like to get 100 hits and/or eleven reviews. ::cowers 'cause she sounds so demanding::
Paper Moon, Part Five
Say it's only a paper moon
Sailing over a cardboard sea
But it wouldn't be make believe
If you believed in me
"Tough day at juku?" Shin-niichan asks as I stumble through the door. The train had been really packed tonight, and I had found myself wedged between two girls who had smelled as if they had private stock in the Japanese perfume industry. The sickeningly sweet stench still clawed at my throat as I tried to breath past my allergy attack. I'm not allergic to many things, but perfume always makes my throat close up painfully. Apparently Shin-niichan can smell it too, because he takes the time to remark, "Or did you bypass juku today and stop by the red light district?" I stick out my tongue at him in reply.
It's been three weeks since Yamato-kun and Taichi-kun have gotten together.
I can't seem to help reminding myself of that whenever I get the chance. Yamato-kun hasn't stopped and waited for me after juku once since then. Strangely enough, the quick flare of pain I usually feel at that thought has turned into a twinge…like a tiny shard of glass lodged deeply into my heart that only acts up occasionally now and then. I distract myself by grabbing my anatomy book and flipping open to the page the class had left off on. I'm ranked number one in the class, and I wouldn't mind staying there if I possibly can. This means extra studying on my part, usually until two or three in the morning.
The invasive trill of the phone snaps me from my studying as I grope for the receiver on my desk.
Koushirou-kun's voice crackles across the phoneline, "They're driving me CRAZY!"
"Trouble in Paradise?" I ask, already knowing the answer. What I don't understand is why Koushirou-kun isn't content to just let them work through it themselves; fighting has been a part of Taichi-kun and Yamato-kun's relationship from the very beginning. "We can't be their matchmaker fairies forever, you know!" Correction, poor Koushirou-kun can't be their matchmaking fairy forever…I've tried not to get involved in their daily squabbles, they always end up kissing and making up anyway.
BTW, what does a matchmaker fairy wear anyway?
"It's always the same thing! Hot and cold, on and off!" Koushirou-kun is getting dangerously close to ranting. I let him, knowing that he just needs a way to blow off some steam. This goes on for about twenty minutes, with me interjecting an approving comment every-so-often.
***
"Jyou! Hey, Jyou!" The voice sounds hauntingly familiar, and I can't stop myself from whipping my head around at the sound, naturally I pay the price for this by smacking into an inebriated salaryman. My butt ungraciously meets the pavement as I hold my aching nose gingerly.
"Daijoubu ka?" It is him, unless there has been a surprising breakthrough in mirage technology that I'm unaware of. I stumble to my feet and turn to face Yamato-kun.
"What are you…never mind, visiting Takeru-kun, right?" I say, still stunned. He nods and continues for me.
"And since I know you get out of juku around this time…" He trails off, motioning towards the subway.
***
"I haven't seen you lately." I exclaim, as we get comfortable in our seats. The subway isn't nearly as packed as it was yesterday, just a few late salarymen on their way home to their families, absorbed in their hentai manga, no doubt. I glance at Yamato-kun's face. Is it just me, or does he look guilty? Yamato-kun rubs the bridge of his nose in a habitual gesture I'm very familiar with. He does feel guilty.
"I'm…sorry." For some odd reason he has trouble getting the last word past his lips. I sigh; the last thing I wanted to do was make him feel awkward.
"It's alright, I haven't been feeling too left out…after all, Koushirou-kun's been calling me after juku."
I'm not sure what reaction I was expecting, perhaps a non-reaction, but I certainly wasn't prepared for the probing stare Yamato-kun gives me. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and I squirm in my seat as if trying to wriggle from a snare.
"Sou?" His voice is light, but there is a hidden meaning behind it that my befuddled mind can't decipher at the moment. "You two would make a cute couple!" There's a strange edge to his voice, I realize, before wrapping my mind fully around his words.
"W-w-w-WHAT?" I splutter, causing one man across from us to look up from his newspaper in alarm. Yamato-kun grins slightly at my consternation, or maybe it was just the bright red traffic light of a blush lighting up my cheeks.
We pass the rest of the trip in an itchy silence, the light that beams every so often from the windows making Yamato-kun look strange, alien; someone I can't begin to understand. It makes me wonder if I ever did in the first place.
***
So the week passes as it usually does. Shin-niichan reminds me that we need groceries and then graciously volunteers me to go buy them. It's times like these that REALLY make me reaffirm the love between two brothers. Yeah right.
I enter the grocery store and begin to traverse up and down the aisles, glancing at the rather lengthy list to make sure that I'm not leaving anything out. In exchange for doing the shopping today, Shin-niichan promised to make me my favorite for dinner. Yakitori. I can feel my mouth watering already; Shin-niichan is a REALLY good cook. He says it attracts the girls, not that I would know or care, but personally my culinary expertise is right up there with the IQ of a tree stump. In other words, I think I could burn a pot of water; I can't even make a cup of instant noodles right!
"Ara! Jyou-kun!"
I look up from decoding my brother's handwriting, you can really tell he's a doctor, only to meet familiar aquamarine eyes. It's my brother's ex-girlfriend, Michiko-san.
"Shin maneuvered you into doing the shopping again, Jyou-kun?" She asks conversationally. I've always liked Michiko-san, even when I was younger she always treated me as her equal, never talking down to me as some adults did. Heck, I worshipped her! In my mind, she and my brother were destined to be together. I had always assumed that they would one day get married, have kids, live out the perfect life. When Shin-niichan had broken the news that she had rejected him marriage proposal, I had been stunned to say the least.
"Do you have some time before you have to get home?" She asks politely. If I was faithful to my brother, I wouldn't have anything to do with her…but…well, even if she had hurt my brother's feelings, broken his heart even, I couldn't really hate her. It was like choosing between an older brother and an older sister. I knew Michiko-san well enough to know that she must have had SOME reason to break their relationship off.
It was with those thoughts in mind that I followed Michiko-san to a nearby café. She sat down and motioned for me to do the same.
"So…how is Shin doing?" She asks hesitantly, a finger going up to twist in her chestnut hair distractedly.
"He took it really hard." I don't want to be that blunt, but there isn't any other reply I can really think of. Her response is a mournful sigh.
"Listen, Jyou-kun," Her eyes are serious, "I love your brother. I always have and I always will."
I wait, knowing there has to be a 'but' coming.
"But…I couldn't tell him that. When he proposed to me, it scared me. Marriage is such…such a BIG step." She can't meet my eyes, but if she did, she wouldn't find them cold. I know what it feels like to be afraid like that. "Jyou-kun, what do YOU think makes a good relationship?"
The question catches me utterly by surprise. "I…I don't really know." It's true. Michiko-san and my brother always had a quiet relationship. And I had always looked upon their relationship as what I wanted for myself. It wasn't the passionate, lust filled kind so commonly found soap operas…it was almost…a deepening of a friendship.
"We had been fighting…a lot. And, well, sometimes things just don't work out. Life's funny that way." Michiko-san gets up suddenly, almost business-like in her manner. "Jyou-kun, I think you'll make someone very happy someday. You're willing to work at something you feel strongly about…don't underestimate yourself; people can be blind in different ways. You are loveable."
And then she's gone, melted away into the thickening soup of the crowded streets. Michiko-san always seemed to know me better than I knew myself; one glance of those beautiful eyes could see straight to the core of me.
***
Michiko-san's words haunt me as I listen to the rain beat steadily on my window. People can be blind in different ways. It nags at me, tickling a tiny corner of my mind. I've been so obsessed with my affection for 'him'…that maybe I'm overlooking something else.
All those glances in your direction…the way he would look at you…
Am I loveable? I'm not dynamic. I'm not a genius. I'm not cute, or sporty, or anything but…well, me. But what's if that was all he was looking for? Maybe he didn't even know it as well…chasing after a moon that was nothing more that a paper cutout.
I'm thinking crazy now. The rational part of my mind is on red alert, telling me not to read too much into things…but for once I don't tuck the daydreams back into the corner of my mind. I'm playing his words over and over again in my head, like a skipping record player in need of a good kick.
Could it have possibly been…?
Jealousy?
I grope for my phone; unsteady fingers punching in the familiar number. I can't bear not knowing any more. I'll talk to him and get this whole mess cleared up once and for all.
There is a desperate pounding at the front door. I hurriedly roll off the bed, replacing the phone in its cradle in a clumsy movement, and stumble into the hallway, grabbing at the latch desperately as I make it to the door.
Crystal-blue eyes filled with pain latch on to mine. Yamato-kun's shirt is soaked to the skin, his pants in a close wet embrace to his thighs. And his halo of sunshine is plastered to his head like a helmet. I gasp and drag him inside. He follows me limply like a rag doll, the only thing alive about him is his eyes, a mix of soul-deep anger and pain reflected in their depths.
"Yamato-kun—"
"It's over," He says dully. His tone of voice frightens me, as does the parody of a grin spreading over his features. "It's funny, that I'd end up here, you know. I've been thinking…but I couldn't believe it. Wouldn't accept it. After all that's happened." His voice breaks, sounding like a child's. "I know…didn't mean it…but…god. It hurts…probably…overreacting…" And then he grabs me in a hug so hard my ribs protest. I don't think he's physically hurt, but obviously something's happened. I don't pry; just make soothing murmuring sounds in the back of my throat.
I've lost track of the number of times I've dreamed of holding Yamato-kun in my arms, but I've never wanted it to be like this.
Never like this.
To be continued.