WORDS ON A PAGE
Part II
Faith opened her eyes slowly and looked up at the ceiling. The pain was minimal; clearly, the pain medication was doing its job, and her Slayer healing abilities were busily dealing with her injuries at a rate that would have astonished her doctor, who was not one of the ones who had raised an eyebrow at the phenomenal recovery of one Buffy Summers. She raised her head and immediately spotted the silent figure sitting next to the door of the dimly lit hospital room. She smiled and commented, "I guess it isn't morning yet, Angel."
The vampire smiled and pulled his chair up near her bed as he replied, "Not yet. How are you feeling?"
Faith grinned and responded, "Not bad. I should be hospitalized more often. That reminds me, who's paying for this?"
Angel smiled evilly and replied, "From what Buffy said, the Council is. . .I think it was part of her whole threat to tell them to take a hike. Evidently, they believed her."
Faith laughed and shook her head, commenting, "You guys are going to a lot of trouble for someone who's spent a lot of time telling you to go to hell lately. . .not to mention that Wesley and his goons beat the crap out of you." She gave him a concerned look and elaborated, "I was pretty pissed off at you, but I'm glad they didn't stake you. . .you didn't deserve that."
Angel laughed and commented, "That's not what you thought three months ago."
Faith winced and replied defensively, "All right, I was pissed off, O.K.? I didn't know you then, and Xander wasn't exactly singing your praises, you know?" She frowned, then continued, "He did try to stop me after we found Giles, though. He said the M.O. didn't fit. . .damn that bitch Post."
Angel winced and commented, "Yeah, she did a lot of damage. . .good thing that I recovered soon enough to save Willow, or-" He saw Faith tense up, and he changed the subject, asking, "So how is your little reading assignment coming along?"
Faith blinked and retorted, "I thought B said not to tell anyone that she gave it to me? What kind of game is she playing?"
Angel laughed and soothed, "She just wanted someone else to know what was going on. . .someone who wouldn't be overly offended by the thought of your reading her diary when no one else was allowed to." His face clouded over momentarily, and Faith wondered whether Buffy had been right to assume that about Angel as he continued, "Anyway, she said to tell you not to tell me any specifics. . .just whether you had any general thoughts you wanted to pass back to her."
Faith frowned and replied, "Not too much yet. . .just some of the entries from when she first came to Sunnydale. . .she's changed a lot, hasn't she?"
Angel nodded, then elaborated, "Being the Slayer isn't easy under any circumstances. . .living on the Hellmouth for two years is nightmarish. . .and, of course, I played my own role in her problems." Faith saw the infinite sadness in his dark eyes as he spoke, and she inwardly shook her head as she contemplated the existence that Angel had to endure. . .what a mess. She glanced at the wall clock in the room and commented, "It's almost morning. . .you'd better bail."
Angel nodded and replied, "My relief should be here soon. I'll wait, then leave through the sewer tunnels. . .I'll be fine." He turned away, whispering, "Good night," as he started to leave.
Faith waited a moment, then called out, "Angel."
The vampire turned back and replied, "Yes, Faith?"
The Slayer looked at Angel with a calm expression, then continued, "Uh. . .I'm not promising anything about what I might do after I finish reading and leave here. . .but thanks. I know you were trying to look out for me. . .even if I hate the whole headshrinking thing."
Angel met her gaze with concern, then nodded in acknowledgement and left the room. After a moment, Faith took out Buffy's diary and began reading again.
January 20, 1998
So much has happened in the last forty-eight hours that I can hardly believe it. I woke up on the day before my birthday shaking from a dream that Drusilla was still alive and killed Angel in front of me before I could stop her. Giles and Angel both tried to reassure me, but my dreams have been prophetic before, and I was on edge all day. Anyway, the next day, Miss Calendar drove me out to the Bronze, where Giles supposedly had some business for me to do. . .and we run into a bunch of vamps with a box. Mucho slayage followed, ending with me and a vamp crashing through a plate glass window. . .right into my surprise birthday party. I so loathe the Hellmouth. Miss Calendar brings in the box the vamps were guarding. . .and before I know it this totally gross arm is choking me. Did I mention I hate the Hellmouth?
Anyway, my buds pull the arm off of me, and Angel and Giles go into this creepy backstory about this Judge demon who was summoned to rid the Earth of the plague of humanity. . .is it me, or do demons have a one track mind? The arm was a piece of the Judge. . .and we had to get it out of here, and Angel was elected. He was going to be gone for months. . .and I felt something curl up and die inside me at the thought of being separated from him for that long.
Anyway, to make a long story short, vamps ambushed us at the harbor, got the arm, and Angel and I wound up in the drink. After some research, Angel and I go over to the factory that I saw in a dream looking to do a little recon. . .only to get grabbed by Spike and Drusilla's goons and come face to face with this Judge guy. . .all put together and ready to kill us. We escaped. . .but it was close, and by the time we got back to Angel's apartment I was shaking like a leaf. I had almost lost Angel twice in one night. . .and enough was enough. Angel hesitated at first, but I made it clear that "not yet" was not good enough any more.
We made love, and for a few stolen moments it felt like Spike, Dru, the Judge, and all of the other damned problems that the Hellmouth spits out at us on a daily basis went away. I fell asleep next to him, feeling completely safe and loved.
When I woke up, he was gone. I looked everywhere for him, but he was nowhere to be found. When I went to the library and checked in, none of the others had seen him either. He wouldn't have gone after the Judge alone, would he? It would be suicide. . .I can't bear the thought of losing him now.
I'm going to try his place again now. . .I hope he's there.
January 22, 1998
A part of me has died. Angel is lost to me forever.
When I found him in his apartment, he was so cold. . .treated what we had done like it meant nothing. I was in so much shock that I didn't make the obvious conclusion. . .then I found him at the school, holding Willow by the throat and standing off against Miss Calendar and Xander. He taunted me about Angel being dead, and how we would all soon follow. I was frozen. . .thank God Xander came up behind him with a cross and freed Willow. . .but I just let him go. . .I was totally out of it.
I had another dream that night, and suddenly a bunch of stuff that seemed odd fit right into place. I walked into Miss Calendar's classroom and grabbed her by the neck. . .and she admitted to being there to spy on Angel, sent by her people. . .the Gypsies who cast the curse. Apparently, they had failed to tell her that a moment of perfect happiness would end the curse. . .oh God, what have I done? I begged her to recast the curse, but it was lost to her people long ago. . .he's gone.
We still had to stop the Judge, and Xander came up with a good plan. . .feels weird to have to thank Ethan Rayne for the assist. Miss Calendar offered to help, but I told her to go away, and Giles backed me up. Maybe I'm being unfair. . .she's helped us before, but I look at her and see "traitor", and with what has happened to Angel I just can't bear the sight of her.
Willow's new friend Oz suggested that Dru and Angel would probably take the Judge to the mall. . .lots of people to kill. Score for the new guy. . .they were there all right. A chill went down my spine as I watched Angel and Drusilla walk down the stairs, flanking that big ugly blue demon. I got his attention with a crossbow bolt, then leveled that nifty rocket launcher at him. He just stood there without a clue, but Angel and Drusilla knew what was coming. . .I had a moment of dark joy as they dove for cover with panic stricken expressions, just before the missile blew the Judge into little smoking bits. . .problem solved.
Angel took off, and I chased him down into the lobby of the movie theater as the sprinklers soaked everything. The sneaky bastard got in a punch before I saw him, but Evil Angel spends too much time shooting his mouth off, and after a couple of minutes I had him dead to rights. . .and I couldn't do it. He taunted me with it, which was a mistake: I gave him a nice kick in the family jewels and left him lying under the downpour, warning him that sooner or later, I would be ready.
Giles drove me home, and I was ready to hear it from him. . .God, I wanted him to tell me how stupid I'd been, how disappointed he was in me. But he was great. . .he said that I couldn't have known what would happen. . .and that the times ahead would be tough for all of us.
I have to kill him. . .I just hope I can make myself do it before it's too late.
Faith paused and considered what she had just read. * No wonder she never wanted to talk about it. . .she does the whole responsible thing for months, then one slip and her boyfriend turns into Super Stalker. . .I went over the line the other night. . .whatever else was going on with her, she wasn't enjoying Psycho Angel on any level. * She frowned and turned a few pages ahead, then began reading again.
February 25, 1998
I finally understand something of what Angel always was going through before he lost his soul. . .great timing for such a nifty insight, huh? Guilt eats away at you like an acid. . .it burns away your ability to laugh, to enjoy anything about your life. . .not that my life has been a barrel of laughs up to now. . .but, God, can I ever be forgiven for what I have allowed to happen?
Angel left a sketch of me sleeping in my room the other night. . .just to let me know he could get to me whenever he wanted. One nice thing about my ex. . .his sadism is making him keep me around just to watch me suffer. If it had been Spike, he would have drained me dry and taken Drusilla out for a walk in the park afterwards. . .or whatever those two sickos like to do on the town.
Anyway, Giles got on the project of uninviting Angel to all of the places that he had access to (Cordelia was bitching endlessly about him having access to her car), and I faced the prospect of dealing with telling Mom what I could to warn her. . .without letting her in on that little secret about me being the Slayer. Meanwhile, I ran into Miss Calendar once or twice, and I could see that Giles still had feelings for her. . .damn it, I was still mad, but I knew that it wasn't really that much her fault what had happened, and even though I needed more time before I could stand to be around her, I couldn't stand to have Giles hurting too. I came up to her before school the next day (after having Willow over for the night after she found her fish strung together in an envelope in her room, courtesy of Angel), and basically let her know that things weren't O.K. between us, but I didn't want Giles to be alone.
We uninvited Angel to all of the appropriate places. . .except Giles' apartment. . .Angel must have come by some time when I wasn't around, damn it. He showed up and hassled Mom while we were inside the house, and we concluded the ceremony just in time to keep him out. . .but not in time to stop the bastard from telling her that we had slept together. Ugh. . .The Talk. . .if I ever do that to my own daughter. . .someone stake me, please. Anyway, Willow and I were talking calmly when the phone rang. I picked up, and Giles told me that Angel had killed Miss Calendar. At that moment, I went totally numb. I faintly felt Willow take the phone from me, then heard her start sobbing uncontrollably as Giles told her what had happened. I heard Mom calling out, trying to find out what had happened, but it was all so distant. . .then a cold chill ran through me as I realized what Giles might do now.
I called Cordelia and Xander and asked them to swing by the police station to try to reach Giles before he left. They were too late, and they drove us to Giles' place. . .the place that had always been so friendly and comfortable when we visited was alien now, covered with police tape and fingerprint dust. A drawing of Miss Calendar, dead, was on the table in the living room. . .the bastard had made her part of a piece of performance art. His weapons were gone. . .he had gone after Angel. Xander was all for it, and I couldn't blame him. . .but Giles was going to die unless I stopped him.
Cordelia drove me to the Factory, and I rushed in to find the place on fire and Angel holding Giles by the throat. I interrupted that little encounter, and we fought until Angel laughed and asked if I was going to let "my old man" burn. I looked and saw that Giles was about to become parboiled. . .I got him out of there. He came around and actually snarled at me about it not being my fight. . .I hit him. . .knocked him to the ground. . .and just lost it. He had almost died, and it was all my fault. I dropped and hugged him, telling him that I couldn't do it without him, and we both sobbed as the Factory burned behind us.
We buried her today. I wish I could see a hint of accusation on his face, but there is only the sadness. I'm ready to do it now. . .I've known all along that Angel was lost to me forever, now I have to prove it to myself. . .by killing him.
Faith stopped reading and sighed. * B's carrying all of this guilt around. . .no wonder she wigged out when he came back. . . * She read for a while, then leafed ahead to a certain page, and began reading.
October 28, 1998
. . .so I'm walking through the woods, wondering if another werewolf is loose in Sunnydale and hoping that whatever the explanation is doesn't involve Oz eating that poor student when I hear something. I check it out, and the next thing I know something knocks me down. I turn around, ready to fight and make damned sure I don't get bitten when. . .I looked into Angel's eyes. . .and my heart stopped for a moment.
There was blood on his mouth, but his face was human as he attacked me. We fought, but he was way off his game and I knocked him out without too much trouble. I dragged him back to his mansion and found an outline on the floor. . .right where I had left the ring he gave me. Weirdness. I chained him up and left him there.
When Giles found me surrounded with serious research materials in the morning, I told him that I had been having dreams about Angel coming back, and asked what to expect if he did. His answers chilled me: he would have experienced what would have been centuries of torture from his viewpoint. . .he would almost certain be totally insane. . .a monster. Sensing my distress, he suggested that someone might be able to keep some semblance of sanity, but only if they had "extraordinary will and character". . .I love Angel, but I wasn't sure that he had what it took. Willow showed up, and I was really abrupt with her, trying to find out whether Angel had killed that student without spilling the beans. She didn't know for sure one way or another, and I went back to Angel and found that he was still completely ready to tear me to pieces. I thought I was going to lose it. . .but I decided that I had to trust Mr. Platt with the truth. . .I needed to tell someone who Angel hadn't hurt.
Just my luck. . .I start to pour my heart out to him, and suddenly I see that his cigarette has burned almost to his fingers. . .he's very dead. Oz didn't do it, and neither did Angel. Great, all I needed was another potential crisis to deal with. So it turns out that Scott's friend Pete is the prime suspect, and Willow and I find his girlfriend Debbie and grill her, finding out that Pete has turned himself into "super macho abusive boyfriend." As Cordelia has put it in the past, "Over-identify much?"
We all burst in and find Pete fighting with wolfy Oz. . .not good. Debbie shoves me just as I'm trying to tranquilize Pete, and Giles winds up taking an unscheduled nap. Faith and Willow go after Oz while I whale on Pete. . .who is not a pushover. He gets away and I eventually find myself in a storage room. . .where Debbie is dead on the floor. Damn it. . .why couldn't she have listened to us? Serious regrets were interrupted as Pete jumped out of the shadows and started pounding on me. I was seriously not loving life when Angel showed up. . .the chains just hadn't done the job. He was in game face, and he proceeded to beat the holy crap out of Pete, after which he snapped Pete's neck like a twig. After he had finished, Angel walked up to me, his face returning to normal as he stared at me. After a moment, he spoke for the first time: "Buffy?"
I was in total shock as he dropped to the floor in front of me and buried his face in my jacket, sobbing my name. Tears ran down my face as I just stood there, letting him hold me.
As I write this, he is sleeping, writhing in agony with the torments of his dreams. I can't tell the others yet. . .the things he did to them while without his soul are too fresh in their memories. I have to try to make him well. . .then I can think of how to let everyone know what has happened. . .to let them know that Angel is O.K. again. . .I just hope that I'm doing the right thing.
Faith closed the diary and considered its words. * I was so mad at her from hiding Angel from me. . .she was so scared and confused. . ."over-identify much" indeed. Damn it, I should still be mad at her about it. . .shouldn't I? * Shaking her head at her cognitive dissonance, she put the diary away and drifted off to sleep.
. . .to be continued
As always, comments are welcomed and desired
Part II
Faith opened her eyes slowly and looked up at the ceiling. The pain was minimal; clearly, the pain medication was doing its job, and her Slayer healing abilities were busily dealing with her injuries at a rate that would have astonished her doctor, who was not one of the ones who had raised an eyebrow at the phenomenal recovery of one Buffy Summers. She raised her head and immediately spotted the silent figure sitting next to the door of the dimly lit hospital room. She smiled and commented, "I guess it isn't morning yet, Angel."
The vampire smiled and pulled his chair up near her bed as he replied, "Not yet. How are you feeling?"
Faith grinned and responded, "Not bad. I should be hospitalized more often. That reminds me, who's paying for this?"
Angel smiled evilly and replied, "From what Buffy said, the Council is. . .I think it was part of her whole threat to tell them to take a hike. Evidently, they believed her."
Faith laughed and shook her head, commenting, "You guys are going to a lot of trouble for someone who's spent a lot of time telling you to go to hell lately. . .not to mention that Wesley and his goons beat the crap out of you." She gave him a concerned look and elaborated, "I was pretty pissed off at you, but I'm glad they didn't stake you. . .you didn't deserve that."
Angel laughed and commented, "That's not what you thought three months ago."
Faith winced and replied defensively, "All right, I was pissed off, O.K.? I didn't know you then, and Xander wasn't exactly singing your praises, you know?" She frowned, then continued, "He did try to stop me after we found Giles, though. He said the M.O. didn't fit. . .damn that bitch Post."
Angel winced and commented, "Yeah, she did a lot of damage. . .good thing that I recovered soon enough to save Willow, or-" He saw Faith tense up, and he changed the subject, asking, "So how is your little reading assignment coming along?"
Faith blinked and retorted, "I thought B said not to tell anyone that she gave it to me? What kind of game is she playing?"
Angel laughed and soothed, "She just wanted someone else to know what was going on. . .someone who wouldn't be overly offended by the thought of your reading her diary when no one else was allowed to." His face clouded over momentarily, and Faith wondered whether Buffy had been right to assume that about Angel as he continued, "Anyway, she said to tell you not to tell me any specifics. . .just whether you had any general thoughts you wanted to pass back to her."
Faith frowned and replied, "Not too much yet. . .just some of the entries from when she first came to Sunnydale. . .she's changed a lot, hasn't she?"
Angel nodded, then elaborated, "Being the Slayer isn't easy under any circumstances. . .living on the Hellmouth for two years is nightmarish. . .and, of course, I played my own role in her problems." Faith saw the infinite sadness in his dark eyes as he spoke, and she inwardly shook her head as she contemplated the existence that Angel had to endure. . .what a mess. She glanced at the wall clock in the room and commented, "It's almost morning. . .you'd better bail."
Angel nodded and replied, "My relief should be here soon. I'll wait, then leave through the sewer tunnels. . .I'll be fine." He turned away, whispering, "Good night," as he started to leave.
Faith waited a moment, then called out, "Angel."
The vampire turned back and replied, "Yes, Faith?"
The Slayer looked at Angel with a calm expression, then continued, "Uh. . .I'm not promising anything about what I might do after I finish reading and leave here. . .but thanks. I know you were trying to look out for me. . .even if I hate the whole headshrinking thing."
Angel met her gaze with concern, then nodded in acknowledgement and left the room. After a moment, Faith took out Buffy's diary and began reading again.
January 20, 1998
So much has happened in the last forty-eight hours that I can hardly believe it. I woke up on the day before my birthday shaking from a dream that Drusilla was still alive and killed Angel in front of me before I could stop her. Giles and Angel both tried to reassure me, but my dreams have been prophetic before, and I was on edge all day. Anyway, the next day, Miss Calendar drove me out to the Bronze, where Giles supposedly had some business for me to do. . .and we run into a bunch of vamps with a box. Mucho slayage followed, ending with me and a vamp crashing through a plate glass window. . .right into my surprise birthday party. I so loathe the Hellmouth. Miss Calendar brings in the box the vamps were guarding. . .and before I know it this totally gross arm is choking me. Did I mention I hate the Hellmouth?
Anyway, my buds pull the arm off of me, and Angel and Giles go into this creepy backstory about this Judge demon who was summoned to rid the Earth of the plague of humanity. . .is it me, or do demons have a one track mind? The arm was a piece of the Judge. . .and we had to get it out of here, and Angel was elected. He was going to be gone for months. . .and I felt something curl up and die inside me at the thought of being separated from him for that long.
Anyway, to make a long story short, vamps ambushed us at the harbor, got the arm, and Angel and I wound up in the drink. After some research, Angel and I go over to the factory that I saw in a dream looking to do a little recon. . .only to get grabbed by Spike and Drusilla's goons and come face to face with this Judge guy. . .all put together and ready to kill us. We escaped. . .but it was close, and by the time we got back to Angel's apartment I was shaking like a leaf. I had almost lost Angel twice in one night. . .and enough was enough. Angel hesitated at first, but I made it clear that "not yet" was not good enough any more.
We made love, and for a few stolen moments it felt like Spike, Dru, the Judge, and all of the other damned problems that the Hellmouth spits out at us on a daily basis went away. I fell asleep next to him, feeling completely safe and loved.
When I woke up, he was gone. I looked everywhere for him, but he was nowhere to be found. When I went to the library and checked in, none of the others had seen him either. He wouldn't have gone after the Judge alone, would he? It would be suicide. . .I can't bear the thought of losing him now.
I'm going to try his place again now. . .I hope he's there.
January 22, 1998
A part of me has died. Angel is lost to me forever.
When I found him in his apartment, he was so cold. . .treated what we had done like it meant nothing. I was in so much shock that I didn't make the obvious conclusion. . .then I found him at the school, holding Willow by the throat and standing off against Miss Calendar and Xander. He taunted me about Angel being dead, and how we would all soon follow. I was frozen. . .thank God Xander came up behind him with a cross and freed Willow. . .but I just let him go. . .I was totally out of it.
I had another dream that night, and suddenly a bunch of stuff that seemed odd fit right into place. I walked into Miss Calendar's classroom and grabbed her by the neck. . .and she admitted to being there to spy on Angel, sent by her people. . .the Gypsies who cast the curse. Apparently, they had failed to tell her that a moment of perfect happiness would end the curse. . .oh God, what have I done? I begged her to recast the curse, but it was lost to her people long ago. . .he's gone.
We still had to stop the Judge, and Xander came up with a good plan. . .feels weird to have to thank Ethan Rayne for the assist. Miss Calendar offered to help, but I told her to go away, and Giles backed me up. Maybe I'm being unfair. . .she's helped us before, but I look at her and see "traitor", and with what has happened to Angel I just can't bear the sight of her.
Willow's new friend Oz suggested that Dru and Angel would probably take the Judge to the mall. . .lots of people to kill. Score for the new guy. . .they were there all right. A chill went down my spine as I watched Angel and Drusilla walk down the stairs, flanking that big ugly blue demon. I got his attention with a crossbow bolt, then leveled that nifty rocket launcher at him. He just stood there without a clue, but Angel and Drusilla knew what was coming. . .I had a moment of dark joy as they dove for cover with panic stricken expressions, just before the missile blew the Judge into little smoking bits. . .problem solved.
Angel took off, and I chased him down into the lobby of the movie theater as the sprinklers soaked everything. The sneaky bastard got in a punch before I saw him, but Evil Angel spends too much time shooting his mouth off, and after a couple of minutes I had him dead to rights. . .and I couldn't do it. He taunted me with it, which was a mistake: I gave him a nice kick in the family jewels and left him lying under the downpour, warning him that sooner or later, I would be ready.
Giles drove me home, and I was ready to hear it from him. . .God, I wanted him to tell me how stupid I'd been, how disappointed he was in me. But he was great. . .he said that I couldn't have known what would happen. . .and that the times ahead would be tough for all of us.
I have to kill him. . .I just hope I can make myself do it before it's too late.
Faith paused and considered what she had just read. * No wonder she never wanted to talk about it. . .she does the whole responsible thing for months, then one slip and her boyfriend turns into Super Stalker. . .I went over the line the other night. . .whatever else was going on with her, she wasn't enjoying Psycho Angel on any level. * She frowned and turned a few pages ahead, then began reading again.
February 25, 1998
I finally understand something of what Angel always was going through before he lost his soul. . .great timing for such a nifty insight, huh? Guilt eats away at you like an acid. . .it burns away your ability to laugh, to enjoy anything about your life. . .not that my life has been a barrel of laughs up to now. . .but, God, can I ever be forgiven for what I have allowed to happen?
Angel left a sketch of me sleeping in my room the other night. . .just to let me know he could get to me whenever he wanted. One nice thing about my ex. . .his sadism is making him keep me around just to watch me suffer. If it had been Spike, he would have drained me dry and taken Drusilla out for a walk in the park afterwards. . .or whatever those two sickos like to do on the town.
Anyway, Giles got on the project of uninviting Angel to all of the places that he had access to (Cordelia was bitching endlessly about him having access to her car), and I faced the prospect of dealing with telling Mom what I could to warn her. . .without letting her in on that little secret about me being the Slayer. Meanwhile, I ran into Miss Calendar once or twice, and I could see that Giles still had feelings for her. . .damn it, I was still mad, but I knew that it wasn't really that much her fault what had happened, and even though I needed more time before I could stand to be around her, I couldn't stand to have Giles hurting too. I came up to her before school the next day (after having Willow over for the night after she found her fish strung together in an envelope in her room, courtesy of Angel), and basically let her know that things weren't O.K. between us, but I didn't want Giles to be alone.
We uninvited Angel to all of the appropriate places. . .except Giles' apartment. . .Angel must have come by some time when I wasn't around, damn it. He showed up and hassled Mom while we were inside the house, and we concluded the ceremony just in time to keep him out. . .but not in time to stop the bastard from telling her that we had slept together. Ugh. . .The Talk. . .if I ever do that to my own daughter. . .someone stake me, please. Anyway, Willow and I were talking calmly when the phone rang. I picked up, and Giles told me that Angel had killed Miss Calendar. At that moment, I went totally numb. I faintly felt Willow take the phone from me, then heard her start sobbing uncontrollably as Giles told her what had happened. I heard Mom calling out, trying to find out what had happened, but it was all so distant. . .then a cold chill ran through me as I realized what Giles might do now.
I called Cordelia and Xander and asked them to swing by the police station to try to reach Giles before he left. They were too late, and they drove us to Giles' place. . .the place that had always been so friendly and comfortable when we visited was alien now, covered with police tape and fingerprint dust. A drawing of Miss Calendar, dead, was on the table in the living room. . .the bastard had made her part of a piece of performance art. His weapons were gone. . .he had gone after Angel. Xander was all for it, and I couldn't blame him. . .but Giles was going to die unless I stopped him.
Cordelia drove me to the Factory, and I rushed in to find the place on fire and Angel holding Giles by the throat. I interrupted that little encounter, and we fought until Angel laughed and asked if I was going to let "my old man" burn. I looked and saw that Giles was about to become parboiled. . .I got him out of there. He came around and actually snarled at me about it not being my fight. . .I hit him. . .knocked him to the ground. . .and just lost it. He had almost died, and it was all my fault. I dropped and hugged him, telling him that I couldn't do it without him, and we both sobbed as the Factory burned behind us.
We buried her today. I wish I could see a hint of accusation on his face, but there is only the sadness. I'm ready to do it now. . .I've known all along that Angel was lost to me forever, now I have to prove it to myself. . .by killing him.
Faith stopped reading and sighed. * B's carrying all of this guilt around. . .no wonder she wigged out when he came back. . . * She read for a while, then leafed ahead to a certain page, and began reading.
October 28, 1998
. . .so I'm walking through the woods, wondering if another werewolf is loose in Sunnydale and hoping that whatever the explanation is doesn't involve Oz eating that poor student when I hear something. I check it out, and the next thing I know something knocks me down. I turn around, ready to fight and make damned sure I don't get bitten when. . .I looked into Angel's eyes. . .and my heart stopped for a moment.
There was blood on his mouth, but his face was human as he attacked me. We fought, but he was way off his game and I knocked him out without too much trouble. I dragged him back to his mansion and found an outline on the floor. . .right where I had left the ring he gave me. Weirdness. I chained him up and left him there.
When Giles found me surrounded with serious research materials in the morning, I told him that I had been having dreams about Angel coming back, and asked what to expect if he did. His answers chilled me: he would have experienced what would have been centuries of torture from his viewpoint. . .he would almost certain be totally insane. . .a monster. Sensing my distress, he suggested that someone might be able to keep some semblance of sanity, but only if they had "extraordinary will and character". . .I love Angel, but I wasn't sure that he had what it took. Willow showed up, and I was really abrupt with her, trying to find out whether Angel had killed that student without spilling the beans. She didn't know for sure one way or another, and I went back to Angel and found that he was still completely ready to tear me to pieces. I thought I was going to lose it. . .but I decided that I had to trust Mr. Platt with the truth. . .I needed to tell someone who Angel hadn't hurt.
Just my luck. . .I start to pour my heart out to him, and suddenly I see that his cigarette has burned almost to his fingers. . .he's very dead. Oz didn't do it, and neither did Angel. Great, all I needed was another potential crisis to deal with. So it turns out that Scott's friend Pete is the prime suspect, and Willow and I find his girlfriend Debbie and grill her, finding out that Pete has turned himself into "super macho abusive boyfriend." As Cordelia has put it in the past, "Over-identify much?"
We all burst in and find Pete fighting with wolfy Oz. . .not good. Debbie shoves me just as I'm trying to tranquilize Pete, and Giles winds up taking an unscheduled nap. Faith and Willow go after Oz while I whale on Pete. . .who is not a pushover. He gets away and I eventually find myself in a storage room. . .where Debbie is dead on the floor. Damn it. . .why couldn't she have listened to us? Serious regrets were interrupted as Pete jumped out of the shadows and started pounding on me. I was seriously not loving life when Angel showed up. . .the chains just hadn't done the job. He was in game face, and he proceeded to beat the holy crap out of Pete, after which he snapped Pete's neck like a twig. After he had finished, Angel walked up to me, his face returning to normal as he stared at me. After a moment, he spoke for the first time: "Buffy?"
I was in total shock as he dropped to the floor in front of me and buried his face in my jacket, sobbing my name. Tears ran down my face as I just stood there, letting him hold me.
As I write this, he is sleeping, writhing in agony with the torments of his dreams. I can't tell the others yet. . .the things he did to them while without his soul are too fresh in their memories. I have to try to make him well. . .then I can think of how to let everyone know what has happened. . .to let them know that Angel is O.K. again. . .I just hope that I'm doing the right thing.
Faith closed the diary and considered its words. * I was so mad at her from hiding Angel from me. . .she was so scared and confused. . ."over-identify much" indeed. Damn it, I should still be mad at her about it. . .shouldn't I? * Shaking her head at her cognitive dissonance, she put the diary away and drifted off to sleep.
. . .to be continued
As always, comments are welcomed and desired