Yes, it's over! DONE! Bwahahahahah! Um, anyway, this part contains shounen-ai...blah, blah, blah...disclaimers are boring, blah, blah, blah. Still from Jyou's POV. This part should answer a lot of questions, but not ALL of them...I'll leave that for Canvas Sky. I have a real love/hate thing going on with the ending of this fic… ::sigh:: But I'll let you guys find out on your own…
This part is devoted to shimmercat-san, Rahn-san, and everyone on the ex-Jouri ML (and new Jouriplus ML) and to everyone who's been nice enough to review my work. (please see bottom for details)
Paper Moon, Part Six
Say it's only a paper moon
Sailing over a cardboard sea
But it wouldn't be make-believe
If you believed in me
I wake up to warmth, familiar and soothing. I haven't felt so comforted -- safe -- since I was little. It's like, well...when I used to have nightmares, I would crawl into my brother's bed after I woke up. Sometimes he wasn't very happy, especially if my feet were cold, but he'd always soothe my fears and comfort me until I fell asleep again. At first I'm vaguely confused; I'm not in my room and the unfamiliar surroundings are a bit disconcerting. I look down and nearly jump out of my skin in surprise.
Yamato-kun is curled up next to me on our over-stuffed couch. His hair is sleep-tousled and looks unbearably soft without its daily quotient of gel, his face unworried and without that oh-so-familiar mask while he sleeps.
I want to keep him like that forever; in a place where no pain and sorrow can reach him. But if I did, then I'd never see him laugh or grin again. What is peace without suffering?
Last night is coming back to me, a comforting drip of memories that I allow to ripple over the pool of my mind as I curl up again. Yamato-kun had come to my house in the rain; soaking wet and choking back angry sobs. I had finally managed to comfort him and get him out of his soaking clothes; no easy task considering I didn't even know what had set him off in the first place. He's in a borrowed outfit of mine right now. Last night had been the most difficult night in the world for me, difficult for me not to demand who had hurt him like this, what had been said to put him in such a state.
But I didn't. Obviously it was something extraordinarily personal, and I understand how it is when you don't want to talk about it. When you just want a shoulder to lean on and someone to tell you they care about you.
Finally, we sat on the couch together, trusting the dim glow of late night television to wipe away our mutual troubles. We must have fallen asleep.
There is an odd choking sound behind me, causing me to crane my head back to see my older brother pounding at his chest where he accidentally inhaled his morning cup of coffee.
"Mou!" He manages to splutter in my general direction. "Next time give me a little warning before you and your date have a sleep-over." I'm sure my face now matches the red on his shirt to a tee.
"What are you TALKING about?!" The hysteric sound of my voice obviously wakes Yamato-kun up, because he wipes his eyes before opening them. He also glares at my offending brother with the sleep-slurred irritation of someone who has just been woken up from a pleasant dream. Shin-niichan ignores me to meander on over to where Yamato-kun is curled up at my side, locking gazes with him.
"You two were awfully quiet." He says to Yamato-kun, ignoring me and my frantic attempts in the universal sign language of 'shut up right now before I kill you'!
"Huh?" Is Yamato-kun's intelligent reply.
"Don't pay any attention to him, Yamato-kun..." I mutter, then to Shin-niichan, "Don't you have a hospital to go to?"
"On my way out..." Comes the distant reply as he moves towards the door, adjusting his shirt in an almost businesslike manner. I'm so angry I'm not even going to tell him about the large coffee stain -- from where he had exhaled upon seeing us -- right in the middle of his shirt. No way, nuh-uh.
***
I'm staring at Yamato-kun like he's an alien just beamed in from another dimension as he stretches and scratches an itch on his upper thigh easily; I'm trying to memorize each and every facet of his 'morning look'. Heaven only knows when I'll have another chance to see him like this; without that mask firmly cemented in place.
I don't have enough courage to do anything but watch.
I can feel all the resolve I had gathered last night slipping through my fingers. It had been one thing dialing his number with those insane thoughts still on their Gojira-ish (1) rampage through my mind, but it's something else when he's here right now. I know I should be perfectly content to be his shoulder to cry on.
I can love him from afar.
Him and Taichi-kun. Strangely, I have to remind myself.
The two of them had become so firmly entrenched in my mind as what I wanted for myself. Ever since the Digital World, I was never in the spotlight, but I was always perfectly content to support both of them in my own way. For the longest time, choosing between them was an impossibility. I found perverse pleasure in torturing myself over the fact that I'd never have either of them.
And now it seems I've subconsciously made my choice. When did I make it? It's hard to say...perhaps that one day so long ago when I chose not to follow Taichi-kun and went looking for Yamato-kun. When they split up in the Digital World.
I think that's it. My heart just didn't feel like informing the rest of me, that's all. Stupid heart.
***
"Do you need to call your father?" I ask. The silence between us as he follows me around the house, attempting to help me with my early morning chores, is easy; it's not a hungry silence that demands to be filled with so many awkward words.
He shakes his head as he helps dry the remaining dishes; finally I can make us some breakfast. "He's out of town. He doesn't even know I'm gone." The tone is not bitter, but almost playful, as if he's a little kid who's just gotten away with sneaking a sweet before dinner.
Mocking us, the phone rings, interrupting something Yamato-kun was going to say. I pick it up, half expecting to hear Shin-niichan's irate voice berating me for letting him leave the house with his shirt in such a state. Instead, a familiar voice practically oozing with painful guilt answers my greeting.
"Hello, Jyou. It's Taichi. Is Yamato there?"
"Good morning, Taichi-kun." At the name 'Taichi' I can seen Yamato-kun's shoulders stiffen. I gesture towards Yamato-kun, indicating that Taichi-kun wants to speak with him, and in response get a violent gesture of 'NO'.
"He's not here right now." He knows I'm lying, but doesn't challenge my words.
"Could you...could you tell him that I'm...I'm sorry? Please?" I feel such a mixture of emotions at that very second it's all I can do to say 'yes' and hang up the phone at the abrupt dial tone assaulting my ears. I'm angry, hurt, upset, bewildered...all rolled up into one confused package. At Taichi-kun...for Taichi-kun...I don't know.
I don't want to think about it, so I keep myself busy by starting to prepare some coffee.
"Jyou." I love it when he says my name. I can't help myself, just hearing it roll off his tongue gives it a new sound of its own. "Thank you. For last night, I mean." He amends hastefully.
Now the silence is getting strangely *uncomfortable*, descending upon us like a water-laden blanket over a comfortably warm fire. I turn quickly away again; for some odd reason, I always make my coffee with hot water, it's not as if it makes it get done any faster but maybe it's just a mental thing...and I'm babbling incoherently. I didn't know one could make one's thoughts babble. That's me, the overachiever. Yeah right.
"Jyou," Yamato-kun continues after a long pause, "O-omae ga s-s...suki da." (2)
The coffee pot drops into the sink with a sharp glass-on-metal protest. My befuddled mind can only think of one word, echoing down its corridors.
Why? Why? WHY?
"Why?" Yamato-kun looks confused at my question. I don't even give him the chance to open his mouth.
Why am I so...so angry? Shouldn't I be happy? This is the moment I've fantasized over a thousand different times; a hundred different ways. What am I supposed to do now, Yamato-kun? Fall into your arms? Let you carry me away, because you've finally done what I've been dreaming about for over four years?
When does a dream become a nightmare? When it comes true?
Why do I feel like this?
"Why do you love me? Because I was a warm body to grab on to when you were hurting? Because you want to get back at Taichi-kun and I'm the best way to do it. Maybe you think this is love, but what does love even MEAN to you? I thought you LOVED Taichi-kun, couldn't bear to be without him! That's why you asked for my help, isn't it?!" This can't be my voice, this cold parody.
Oh, it hurts. It hurts worse than when you couldn't tell my feelings; when you asked me to help you get Taichi-kun. When you kissed me and didn't mean it. When you smiled at me and let my heart's wings soar in useless hope. When I searched for you in the Digital World and then, finally, when I found you and looked into your eyes…and discovered that I wasn't the person you wanted.
I don't want to hear these words from you, knowing I'm second choice.
Before, I had always assumed that I would grasp at any love that was offered to me. What's changed?
I know. You've changed me. You gave me your friendship, even if I doubt the motives behind it, I certainly can't deny the actual feelings. You made me feel, for once in my life, that I was a person worth knowing, worth caring about.
And it's bitterly ironic that those feelings you awoke in me are the same ones that won't let me cheapen myself right at this moment, even though I can tell I'm wounding you deeply with every word.
"If you love me -- really love me -- try coming back in a week and saying the same thing." I turn away from him now, "When you've had some time to kiss and make up with Taichi-kun. I won't hold my breath."
"Fine."
I can hear the barely controlled anger in his whisper, I can hear it in his footsteps as he walks to the door. The creak of its hinges as it opens, and the gentle whump as it shuts. I know him so well.
I won't cry. I won't cry.
"You know what?" It's Shin-niichan, buttoning up a new shirt. I don't know when he came back in, but I wouldn't be surprised if he heard the whole thing. "You're a real bastard."
I whirl to face him, not caring that my face is red from holding back tears. My mouth opens, but I can't find my voice.
"I wouldn't be surprised if he never came back; I know *I* wouldn't." His tone is conversational. "But you wouldn't know, would you? How much courage it takes to say those words, and then how it feels as the person you love most rips your heart to shreds before your very eyes."
This isn't really about me, and the fact that he can even say something like that infuriates me beyond words.
"What about you?! How can YOU understand how it feels? How Michiko-san --" I can tell I hit a nerve with that when his eyes widen, "-- and I feel when we wait for so long, whispering soothing things to our aching hearts at night because you won't -- CAN'T say those words until it's too late! You only say them when you hurt, when you're desperately grabbing at anything that would make you feel secure, and we're the nearest ones to you! And then we can't take you at face value, so we stumble and you turn away! You run back home to lick your wounds and your pride is so strong that you can't come back and face us! THAT'S love?! Well, I don't NEED it, then!! And neither does Michiko-san!"
I run to my room before he can say another word.
***
It's Sunday again. A week since Yamato-kun stormed out.
Shin-niichan and I have managed to reach a tremulous peace with one another, but I don't think I've exchanged more than a handful of words ever since our fight. It sounds funny, but I miss my big brother. I'm so used to his teasing voice following me around, that my own little world is painfully lonely in its silence.
We're looking at this from completely opposite sides; him of the rejected boyfriend, me of the hurt significant other. Which is even more amusing when you stop to consider the fact that Yamato-kun and my relationship wasn't anything more than a bit of play acting.
I don't expect him to come back; it's too much for anyone to expect, really. Yamato-kun can be an extraordinarily difficult person to get along with….
And yet, why do I feel as if what we had –whatever label one chooses for it—was meaningful in a way. It almost seemed at times that I could understand him better than I could myself…as if we just…sort of…belonged together; the two of us sharing an innate understanding of the other…
A high-pitched giggle jars me out of my thought process; I have to restrain myself from clapping my hands over my ears. That would be Aya-san, our neighbor's daughter…she's about my age and has the most grating laugh I've ever heard, it just sort of rises in pitch and intensity until you can't stand it any more. I glance out of the corner of my eye to see her dressed in a light blue yukata…hmm, we must be having a neighborhood festival. Briefly I recall our last one, where Aoyama-san (he lives on the end of the street) had gotten drunk and tried to set off his own personal fireworks display with what looked to be some altered fireworks. Heaven only knows where he got them in the first place… The results had not been pretty.
Maybe going out tonight is just what I need…
***
I just change into something comfortable before ducking my head into Shin-niichan's room and explaining where I'm going. He's been working late, and he certainly doesn't look up to going out tonight, so I don't even bother asking…and dad's still at the hospital… I can remember, when I was little, I used to get really excited over getting to wear a yukata, but now it's too much of a hassle…
The streets are crowded with throngs of people and various stands; little kids trying to win a goldfish, older ones pestering their parents for candied apples and other snacks. The very air is sodden with laughter; it's almost impossible to be unhappy in such an atmosphere.
I find myself making my way towards the high school; that's where they'll most likely be holding the fireworks display. I've loved fireworks ever since I was little…the high-pitched scream as they shoot into the sky and then explode, dazzling my senses as the patterns and shapes seem even brighter because of the night sky.
Hmm, I wonder why I've been feeling so nostalgic lately…
I find the perfect vantage point on a hill that swells up behind the high school. I'm vaguely surprised when I look around and see that I'm the only one around. It's dark and the wind's a little chilly. I wish I had brought a jacket.
Being so high above everything is nice in a way, but at the same time I feel…I feel…
Lonely.
If I feel this way, it's my own fault! I remind myself. After all, ever since we got back from the Digital World, I've been distancing myself from them. I don't really know why…it could be a lot of things. I didn't want them to reject me, I suppose, is the clearest way I can explain it. Oh sure, I still go to meetings, and generally hang out with them…but before I knew it, I was adding the suffix 'kun' to all their names, distancing myself verbally; I didn't laugh as much, telling myself I was content just to watch them have fun. I told myself it was a part of getting older.
So I placed myself on a high, lonely hill in my mind; not because I thought I was better than them, but because I felt as if I was gazing at them from a distance.
But it gets cold up here.
"—Mind if I sit down?" I'd know that voice anywhere. Yamato. I didn't even hear him come up the hill, but I suppose I wasn't really paying attention.
I nod my agreement silently, half wondering if he can even see it in the darkness. Is he really even here, or have I finally snapped? That's funny, I don't think I'm crazy…but most crazy people don't. I decide that if I AM going insane, at least this seems to be a pleasant way of doing it…
"Your brother told me you'd be here." The softly spoken words meander down the hill into the darkness; I almost fancy I can see them disappear. We're both content to watch the hustle and bustle below, neither one of us meeting the other's eyes. I feel strangely relaxed…and happy. Even if he's come to tell me that he's made up with Taichi-kun –which for some odd reason I doubt, don't ask me why—at least he came back to tell me face-to-face. It at least gives me hope concerning our friendship.
Yamato-kun chuckles before continuing, something in him perhaps recognizing the universal 'big brother-ness' of what he's going to say next. "He also told me that if I was going to hurt your feelings, I might as well turn right around and go back home. Before he had to hunt me down and kick my ass."
"Yamato-kun, I—"
"Stop calling me that!" His protest is violent and sudden, bursting from his lips as if he had been holding it back for a long time. "I hate it when you distance yourself from us! We're all your friends!"
So he had noticed too?
"I'll keep that in mind, Yama-chan." I say the last part in my best impression of Mimi-kun; it's worth it to see Yamato shudder, then chuckle behind his hand.
"Here I am trying to be serious, and you're mocking me!" Yamato says, laughter evident in his tone. It's as if nothing had ever happened between us.
"So be serious."
Silence descends upon us for a few moments, as we both pretend to be engaged in watching the team below set up the fireworks for the show. Finally, Yamato begins to speak, his voice low.
"I want to tell you what it was like going out with Taichi." I just nod, content to let him go at his own pace. "Taichi is…well, he's really just amazing. Whenever you're around him, it's…hard to explain. It's as if you're just infused with energy. You feel as if you could take on the whole world." I can hear the longing in his voice, and I can feel that familiar twinge of pain grip my heart…but I stay still.
"At least, that's how it started for me. But then, I began to notice little things…he didn't understand when I just wanted some time alone, so we'd quarrel about it. Stupid little things like that, but they seemed like such a big deal that neither of us wanted to be the first to apologize. We never seemed to be able to make our schedules mesh; he'd always seem to have a soccer game on the same day as my band practice…and then we'd fight about that.
But even that wouldn't have been too much of a problem, if…if I hadn't felt so dissatisfied whenever I was with him – don't get me wrong, it wasn't his fault, or anything he did in particular…but I'd find myself wondering how you were doing at the oddest moments."
I turn to look at his silhouette, searching for any sign, no matter how small, that he's just kidding.
"I missed the way you'd explain the way your day had been while we were both sitting on the train home. The way something or someone would occasionally upset you that day, and you'd get so angry that you'd gesture dramatically as you relived that particular irritation. Then your face would get so red when you realized that everyone was staring at you. I missed the way you would ALWAYS end up falling asleep on the train after a difficult exam, and then I'd practically have shake you to death so you could get off at your station. And even then you'd still be half asleep…"
His voice is filled with such fondness as he turns though his memories of me that I feel my cheeks warming as he gets lost in his recollections.
"At first I thought I was going insane –"
"Oh, thanks." I mutter, without any real malice.
"—And I tried to tell myself that I wasn't feeling like this; that these emotions were no more than figments of my imagination…but then, when I met you again at juku that one night after Taichi and I had started going out, and you mentioned that Koushirou had been calling you every night…I felt so…jealous…"
I had been right! The thought is rather startling.
"Then…that night. I know he didn't mean to say it…but after he did, all I could think was 'He loves me enough to know what hurts me, but not quite enough to refrain from using it against me when he's angry.' I didn't even really have a destination in mind when I ran out of his house, but somehow I ended up at your apartment…I think I finally realized something."
"Jyou –" The rest of his words are cut off by a high-pitched screech as the first firework of the evening ascends into the night sky, nearly deafening both of us with its crash as it explodes with a brilliant burst of light against the inky night sky. I laugh at his irritated expression; it's that of a thwarted five year-old.
For once –for one brief moment—everything is right in my life, and it makes me feel drunk on euphoria. I stand, wanting to be closer somehow to that dazzling array of colors in the sky.
"WHAT?!" I call to him, teasing him just a bit. I can't help it.
He stands too, finally facing me and meeting my eyes. "OMAE – GA – SU – KI – DA!!" He exclaims, trying to raise his voice above the din.
I motion for him to say it again, pretending I hadn't heard him. His only response is an evil grin as he suddenly --without warning – enfolds me into a tight embrace. I tense slightly. I can smell the faint fragrance of his shampoo still clinging to his silky hair; feel the cotton weave of his shirt as I finally relax and rest my head on his shoulder.
***
I think we both wanted to kiss right there, with the fireworks exploding around us; just like in the movies. For some strange reason, though, we were both too shy, and by the time our lips finally did meet, there was nothing illuminating the sky except for the soft, natural light of the moon.
But that's okay.
I think I'd rather have the moon lighting my way than a thousand fireworks.
~owari~
***
Special Thanks (in no particular order):
shimmercat-san: For bugging me until I started up again, her wonderful Jyou shrine (which majorly inspired me!) and for listening to the ramblings of a crazy person. You made me feel a bit less nutty for liking Jyouto as much as I do! ^_^ I probably wouldn't have finished if not for you! (whoa, that rhythms!)
Rahn-san: For emailing me and listening to me ramble on about nothing (aka this fic...) for writing back after it became obvious that I was insane, and for being fun to talk to! I'm so glad you're on the Jouriplus ML now; we're not the most talkative bunch, but we're a lot of fun! And even more fun with you on board now!
Rei-san: For that too too too CYUTE Iori piccie you sent me! Sure, I may be over-reacting, but getting that in my inbox was really a highlight of the holidays! I promise I'll have that Igunisu/Takurou fic done SOMEDAY! Thank you so much for the kind words.
Su-chan: You read this even before you liked Digimon...and you'll never know how much that means to me. To the best pre-reader and most wonderful friend in the whole universe! You keep me human! Daisuki yo, Su-chan! There's only one of you in the whole world, and I'm glad you're my ichiban no otomodachi!
Hanji-niichan: You already know why, my twin separated at birth. I love you, dork. (and if you make any stupid remarks, I'll kick your ass!) Please write more, I LOVE your stories!! And stop putting yourself down; you're a wonderful writer!
Kenpi-otouto: Because I love you, silly. You're the best little bro in the whole world and I wouldn't trade you for anyone else!! And you're a darn good writer yourself! Anta no Zoca-oujisama ga daaaaaisuki!! And Mamoru too! And Shakome! ^_~
Lastly, to everyone who's ever filled out a review box for my story: Some of you I know better than others (Aardwulf-san, I know you!! ^_^ You too, Lady Kido-san! And Katt-san! And marian-san, you've reviewed every part! And you've been with me all this time too, cali-san!), but whenever I went to check my profile and saw how you had taken the time to review my worthless fic...well, it's impossible to explain how wonderful you all made me feel. I'm not going to pretend my fic is any sort of masterpiece, but just knowing that people actually cared enough to write those comments to me...for a brief moment it made me feel like I was doing something special. It makes me want to continue writing.
Also, I have to give Kappei-san a bit of credit, here. His singing is one of the reasons for my burst of creativity…I always get that way when I listen to my ichiban daisuki na seiyuu-san no koe. #^_^#
Ending Notes:
(1) That would be Godzilla here…
(2) 'Omae ga suki da.' – 'I love you'
As to the ending of the fic itself, I had a real controversy going on inside. The stuff I write does NOT tend to end happily (at least I didn't kill anybody this time…^_^;;) and I wasn't planning to have Paper Moon be any different. But as I was writing and planning, I found myself unable to go with the original ending I had decided upon. This is also the reason why the series was lengthened to six parts rather than the original planned three. I just couldn't help but give Yamato and Jyou a happy ending, even though I fretted and worried over the realism of the situation, I'm actually rather pleased with the way it came out… ^_^;;;;;; I apologize for the sap, but I really couldn't help it… Forgive me!
Anyway…
Domo arigatou gozaimashita minna-sama. See you in 'Canvas Sky'!!