Nein Konnichiwa, I know some people hate stories that have the author of them as one of the characters but when I got this idea I couldn't help myself, you have to read the footnotes at the end to see all the humor in this piece. I got this from "The Compeat Work of Wllm Shakspr (abridged)" And if you haven't seen it I highly recommend it. Now not to give my story away to much here I go.

In order to understand this a little better we use notes like this T/Ben that stands for Trowa playing Benvolio. I just thought I'd make that clear.

Also with the footnotes the super scripted numbers tell to what footnote to see this is an example of a superscript footnote number 1 That tells you that you should see footnote number 1 for more information about the text spoken below.

I did not create this piece just changed a few characters this piece belongs to 'The Reduced Shakesspeare Co.' so all rights reserved.

You might actually want to read the footnotes before reading this piece they make it a lot funnier afterwards. Please R&R.

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(There is a blackout but we hear voices backstage yelling at each other)

Wu Fei: I refuse to be a part of your unjust games you bimbo

(Offended by this remark EB walks up to him and slaps him)

EB: You'll perform and you'll have fun doing it too.

(They continued to argue while Quatre and Duo sigh)

EB: Now get out there you two your public is waiting for you.

(She addresses to Quatre and Duo; the lights come on-stage, they sweat drop but reluctantly enter; each wears Elizabethan garb and their regular sneakers; they begin warm-ups and stretches; with several female members of the audience complimenting them from their seats; Wu Fei gets shoved out on stage and crashed into Duo.)

Duo: What'd you go that for?

Wu Fei: It wasn't by choice.

(Duo gives Wu Fei a cold glare but continues his stretches; several more compliments are thrown towards them causing blush to rise on their cheeks; Wu Fei sits in a chair and begins to address the audience)

Wu Fei: Lets just get this over with shall we (clears throat) Now, we will begin with this attempt to perform Romeo and Juliet1 while I myself will fill in some bits of narration. After extensive textual research and analysis the bimbo backstage without our consent has (A large book is thrown from offstage left smacking Wu Fei in the side of the face) Why you little...

(Wu Fei attempts to get out of his chair but is held back by Quatre and Duo)

Quatre: Just continue

Duo: Yeah we'll pay her back later

(Quatre looks over at Duo who knocks Wu Fei back into his chair)

Wu Fei: I will pay you back women for this humiliation. (Clears throat) Now where was I oh yes, the bimbo has decided that we will be performing the abridged version of 'Romeo and Juliet' lets start with the prologue shall we.

(Wu Fei focuses attention onto Duo and Quatre who stop stretching and stand up)

Quatre and Duo (simultaneously, with synchronized gestures):
"Two households both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny
Where civil blood makes hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins2 of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whose misadventure. piteous o'erthrows
Do, with their death, bury their parent's strife."

(They bow. Duo lifts Quatre into a balletic exit, then follows him off.)

Wu Fei: Act One Scene One: In the street meet two men tall and handsome,
One, Benvolio;3 (Trowa enters as Benvolio.)
The other named Sampson. (Heero enters as Sampson)
Their hatred fueled by an ancient feud
For one serves Capulet, the other Montague...d.

T/Ben (singing): O, I like to rise when the sun she rises, early in the morning...

H/Sam (singing simultaneously): O, I had a little doggie and his name was Mr. Jiggs, I sent him to the grocery store to fetch a pound of figs......figs???

(They look over towards EB who is laughing to herself then they see each other. Simultaneously:)

T/Ben (aside): Ooo, it's him. I hate his guts. I swear to God I'm gonna kill him.

H/Sam (aside): Ooo, it's him. I hate his family, hate his dog, hate 'em all.

(At the mention of hating Trowa's family Quatre gives EB a saddened look)

EB: Don't worry Quatre it's not serious it's just acting.

(Quatre nods and continues to watch the performance; Benvolio and Sampson smile and bow to each other. As they cross to the opposite sides of the stage, Sampson bites his thumb at Benvolio who trips Sampson in return.)

T/Ben: Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?

H/Sam: No sir, I do but bite my thumb.

T/Ben: Do you bite your thumb at me, sir? Wait a minute I just asked him that...

EB (From offstage left): You're supposed to say it twice

T/Ben: Oh ok, Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?

H/Sam: No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I do bite my thumb. Do you quarrel, sir?

T/Ben: Quarrel, sir? No sir.

H/Sam: But if you do, sir, I am for you. I serve as good a man as you.

T/Ben: No better.

H/Sam: Yes. Better.

T/Ben: You lie!

(They fly at each other, Massive fight scene. Benvolio chases Sampson offstage. Benvolio then throws Sampson back on-stage, kicks him the ribs, twists his arm. Quatre enters as the prince.)

Q/Prince: Rebellious subjects, enemies to the peace.
Profanes of this neighbor-stained steel.4
You, Capulet, shall go along with me.
Benvolio, come you this afternoon
To know our farther5 pleasure in this case.

(Prince exits with Sampson.)

T/Ben: O where is Romeo? Saw you him today? Right glad I am he was not at this fray. But see, he comes!

(Duo makes a grand entrance as Romeo, wearing a very elegant costume and a wistfully sniffed at a rose.)

Romeo he cried. I'll know his grievance or be much denied. Good morrow, coz.6

D/Romeo: Is the day so young?

T/Ben: But new struck nine.

D/Romeo: Ay, me. Sad hours seem long.

T/Ben: What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours?

D/Romeo: Not having that which, having, makes them short.

T/Ben: In love?7

D/Romeo: Out

T/Ben: Out of love?

D/Romeo: Out of her favor where I am in love.

(There are two sobs from backstage; one EB's the other Quatre's who are both crying8)

T/Ben: What's the matter with you?

Quatre: It's just so sad (EB nods in agreement; Duo sighs and waits for Trowa to continue)

T/Ben: Alas that love, so gentle in his view, Should be so rough and tyrannous8 in proof.

D/Romeo: Alas that love, whose view is muffl'd still, Should without eyes see pathways to his will.

Both: O!

T/Ben: Go ye to the feast of Capulets.
There sups the fair Relena whom thou so lovest (Trowa bursts out laughing; followed by EB and Quatre from offstage; Duo looks like he's about to punch someday as he runs backstage and grabs his script.)

Duo: You were supposed to say Rosaline, Trowa (Trowa laughs but doesn't respond to Duo's proclamation)

T/Ben: With all the admired beauties of Verona.
Go thither10 and compare her face with some that I shall show.
And I shall make thee think thy swan a crow. (Exits laughing to himself.)

D/Romeo: I'll go along, no such sight to be shown, But rejoice in splendor of my own. (he exits with a scowl.)

Wu Fei: ...And so much for Scenes One and Two.
So now to the feast of Capulet
Where Romeo is doomed to meet his Juliet.
And where, in a scene of timeless romance,
He'll try to get into Juliet's pants.

(EB enters as Juliet, wearing an enormous bell like dress. She dances. Romeo enters, sees her, and is immediately smitten.)

D/Romeo: O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright.11
Did my heart love 'til now? Forswear it, sight.
For I ne'er saw true beauty 'til this night.
(taking Juliet's hand)
If I profane with my unworthiest hand12
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

E/Juliet: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hands too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims' do touch
And palm to palm is holy palmers; kiss.

D/Romeo: Have not saints lips, and holy palmers13 too?

E/Juliet: O then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.

(EB has no desire to kiss Duo; figuring Heero has her on gunpoint and is ready to shoot any second; therefore the next lines she struggles with)

E/Juliet: Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.

D/Romeo: Then move not, while my prayers' effect I take.

E/Juliet: Then from my lips the sin that they have took.

D/Romeo: Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urge. Give me my sin again.

EB (breaking character): I don't wanna kiss you.

Duo: It's in the script.

(EB knees Duo in the groin. He crumples to the floor in pain.)

E/Juliet: You kiss ny the book. Oh coming mother!

(EB looks around, curses under her breath. She pulls Wu Fei out of his chair and climbs clumsily onto his shoulders; Heero runs out stage to comfort Duo and helps him to his feet.)

D/Romeo: Is she a Capulet? Ay, so I fear. The more is my unrest. (breaking character, to EB) What are you doing?

E/Juliet: The Balcony Scene.14

D/Romeo: But soft, what light15 through yonder window breaks?

E/Juliet (struggling to stay balanced):
O Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo?16
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.
What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose
By any other name will still smell.
O Romeo, doff thy name,17 which is no part of thee,
Take all myself. (Wu Fei's finally gotten over irritated with EB sitting on his shoulders and proceed to plummet her off them.)

D/Romeo: I take thee at thy word. Call me but love,18
And I shall be new-baptiz'd.19 Henceforth
I shall never be Romeo.

E/Juliet: What man art thou?20 Art thou Romeo, And a Montague?

D/Romeo: Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike.

E/Juliet: Dost thou love me then? I know thou wilt say aye,
And I will take thy word. Yet if thou swearest,
Thou mayest prove false. O Romeo, if thou dost love,
Pronounce it faithfully.

D/Romeo: Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear -

A/Juliet: O swear not by the moon!

D/Romeo: What shall I swear by?

(EB thinks and points at one of the innocent female readers in the audience.)

Lady, by yonder blessed virgin, I swear-

E/Juliet (referring to the woman): I don't think so. "No,
Do not swear at all. Although I joy in thee,
I have no joy in this contract tonight.
It is too rash, too sudden, to advised,
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be
Ere one can say it lightens, Sweet, good night.

D/Romeo: O wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?21

E/Juliet: What satisfaction canst thou have?

D/Romeo: The exchange of thy love's faithful vows22 for mine.

(A gunshot is heard and EB feels the bullet fly past her head; EB turns to see no one backstage. There is a pause of silence before EB continues.)

E/Juliet: I gave thee mine before thou did'st request it.
Three words, gentle Romeo, and then good night indeed.
If that thy bent of love be honorable,
Thy purpose marriage, send word tomorrow.
Good night, good night; parting is such sweet sorrow-
Really, it is. (She exits blowing a kiss to the love-struck (acting love-struck) Romeo. Another gunshot is heard and again a bullet springs by EB's head cutting off her pony tail; which she picks up before exiting. There are several sounds of smacks and punches; Duo sweat drops before he begins.)

D/Romeo: Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast.
O that I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest. (Freezes.)

Wu Fei: Lo, Romeo did swoon with love;
By Cupid he'd been crippl'y
But Juliet had a loathsome coz
Whose loathsome name was Tybalt.

(Heero enters as Tybalt, snarling, he puts a gun in his pocket while carrying two foils.)

H/Tybalt: Romeo, the love I bear thee can afford
No better term than: thou art a villian.23
Therefore turn and draw.

D/Romeo: Tybalt, I do protest, I never injured thee,
But love24 thee, better than thou canst devise.

H/Tybalt: Thou wretched boy, I am for you!

(Tybalt throws Romeo a foil. Romeo closes his eyes and extends the blade, nearly impaling the advancing Tybalt.)

H/Tybalt: I I am slain. (Heero bows and exits)

(Wu Fei flips frantically through pages of the book. Duo is concerned.)

Duo: Now what do we do?

Wu Fei: I don't know. He skipped all this stuff. (pointing to a place in the book) Go to here.

Duo: Okay (Exits.)

Wu Fei: So...from Tybalt's death onwards, the lovers are cursed
Despite the best efforts of Friar and Nurse;
Their fate purses them, they can't seem to duck it
And at the end of Act Five, they both kick the bucket.

(Juliet enters, riding an imaginary horse, humming the 'William Tell Overture.')

E/Juliet: Gallop apace, you fiery-footed steeds,25
And bring in cloudy night immediately.
Come civil night! Come night! Come Romeo,
Thou day in night! Come, gentle night!
O night night night night...
Come come come come come!
(aside to the readers) I didn't write it.
And bring me my Romeo!

(Quatre enters as the Nurse)

E/Juliet: O it is my nurse. Now nurse, what news?

Q/Nurse: Alack the day, he's gone, he's killed, he's dead!

E/Juliet: Can heaven be so envious?

Q/Nurse: Romeo, Romeo! Who ever would have thought it? Romeo!

E/Juliet: What devil art thou to torment me thus? This torture should be roared in dismal hell. Hath Romeo slain himself?

Q/Nurse: I saw the wound, I saw it with mine own eyes--God save the mark26 here in his manly breast.27 Men are all dissemblers, they take things apart and ressemble them--I don't know what a dissembler is.

E/Juliet (accosting a male reader): O no! He's dead! He's gone, he's killed, he's dead, what are you doing tonight?
O break my heart! Poor bankrupt break at once.
To prison eyes, ne'er look on liberty.
Vile earth to earth resign, end motion here,
And thou and Romeo...go drink a beer.

Q/Nurse: O, Tybalt was the best friend I ever had.
That ever I should live to see thee murder'd!

E/Juliet: Is Romeo slaughter'd and Tybalt dead?
My dear lov'd cousin and my dearer love?
Then dreadful trumpets sound the general doom!28

Q/Nurse: No, Juliet, no! No!
Tybalt is gone and Romeo banished!

E/Juliet: O Gad! Did Romeo's hand shed Tybalt's blood?

Q/Nurse: It did, it did, alas the day it did.

(They sob and scream hysterically, finally pick up mugs and throw water in each others faces.)

E/Juliet and Q/Nurse (bowing): Thank you.

(Quatre exits, leaving Juliet alone to assess the situation.)

E/Juliet: Now Romeo lives, whom Tybalt would have slain.
Well, that's good, isn't it?
And Tybalt is dead, who would have killed my husband,
Well, that's good, isn't it?
So why do I feel like poo-poo?

(Trowa enters as Friar Laurence.)

O, Friar Laurence! Romeo is banished and Tybalt is slain and...

T/Frair: Juliet, I already know thy grief. Take thou this vial, and this distilled liquor drink thou off.29 And presently through all thy veins shall run a cold drowsy humor.

E/Juliet (Takes bottle and drinks): O, I feel a cold and drowsy humor running through my veins.

T/Frair: Told you so.

(Friar exits. Juliet begins to convulse, and flips over unconscious. Romeo enters. He sees Juliet and rushes to her prone body, accidentally stepping on her breast while doing so.)

D/Romeo: O no! My love, my wife!
Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath,
Hath no power yet upon thy beauty.
O Juliet, why art thou so fair?
Shall I believe that unsubstantial death
In amorous, to keep thee here in the dark
To be his paramour? Here's to my love.
(He drinks from his poison bottle.)
O true apothecary, thy drugs30 are quick.
Thus, with a kiss, I die...

(Duo is having trouble kissing EB; Knowing that Heero and the rest of his friends are watching. He has no wish to kiss her either. Struggling to kiss her he takes another drink of potion finally kisses her.)

Thus with a kiss, I die31

(Romeo dies. Juliet wakes up to hear Quatre sobbing backstage, she ignoring him, stretches, scratches her butt, and looks around.)

E/Juliet: Good morning. Where, O where is my love?

(She sees him lying at her feet and screams.)

What this? A cup closed in my true love's hand?
Poison I see hath been his timeless end. O churl.
Drunk all and left no friendly drop to help me after?
Then I'll be brief. O happy dagger! This is thy sheath.32

(She unsheathes Romeo's dagger and does a double take: the blade is tiny.)

That's Romeo for ya.33

(Juliet stabs herself. She screams, but to her surprise, she does not die. She looks for a wound and can't find one. Finally she realizes that the blade is retractable. This is a cause for much joy. She stabs herself gleefully in the upper torso and on the crown of the head, delighting in a variety of death noises. Finally, she flings her happy dagger to the ground.)

There rust and let me die! The End! (Dies.)

(Duo and EB rise and bow. Quatre, Trowa, and Heero enter and also bow, Wu Fei appears holding a flute which he gives to Quatre then bows.)

Wu Fei: Epilogue.

(Quatre plays the flute in rhythm with Trowa and Heero's epilogue)

Trowa and Heero (simultaneously, with synchronized gestures): A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
The sun for sorrow will not show it's head;
Go forth and have talk these sad things;
Some shall ne pardon'd, and some punished;
For never was there a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

All (singing): And Romeo and Juliet are dead.

(Quatre stops playing and the lights drop the stage into darkness)

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What did you think? Well now I highly recommend that you go to the footnotes page and read the foot notes. If you don't then you'll miss all the humor ad-libbed in this piece. Trust me you'll like it more if you do. Remember what the little numbers mean and please R&R

PS: I really don't like Duo, I like Quatre. But after the blackmail and threats from Trowa I decided that I'd just limit myself to real guys.

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