In order to understand this a little better we use notes like this T/Ben that stands for Trowa playing Benvolio. I just thought I'd make that clear.
Also with the footnotes the super scripted numbers tell to what footnote to see this is an example of a superscript footnote number 1 That tells you that you should see footnote number 1 for more information about the text spoken below.
I did not create this piece just changed a few characters this piece belongs to 'The Reduced Shakespeare Co.' so all rights reserved.
You might actually want to read the footnotes before reading this piece they make it a lot funnier afterwards.
Beware of some Relena bashing....
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EB: Ladies and gentlemen, in preparing this unprecedentented 'Complete Works' show, I have encountered this problem: how to make 400-year-old plays accessible to a modern audience. One popular trend is to take Shakespeare's play and transpose them into modern settings.1 We have seen evidence of this with Shakespeare's plays set in such unusual locations as the lunar landscape. Nazi concentration camps, and Cleveland, Ohio. In the vein, I've traced the roots of Shakespeare's symbolism in the context of a pre-Nietzschean society through the totality of a jejune circular relationship of form, contrasted with a complete otherness of metaphysical cosmologies, and the ethical mores entrenched in the collective subconscious of an agrarian race.2 So we now present Shakespeare's first tragedy, 'Titus Andronicus,' as a cooking show.
(EB waits for DUO to enter as TITUS ANDRONICUS; she looks backstage to see all five Gundam pilots asleep in a heap after her long drawn out speech. She clears her throat loudly; no response; again; no response.)
EB: Wait just a second now.... (Pulls of squirt gun out of her pocket and walks backstage)
Duo: Ah! That's cold
(We hear QUATRE squeak and several other muffled complaints from the other 3 pilots as they begin to stand up. DUO enters as TITUS ANDRONICUS, wearing an apron and carrying a large butcher's knife. He is somewhat reminiscent of Julia Child.)
D/Titus: Good
evening, everyone! Good evening, gore-mets, and
welcome
to 'Roman Meals.' I'm your host, Titus Androgynous.
Now,
when you've had a long day - your left hand chopped off,
your
sons murdered, your daughter raped, her tongue cut out,
and both
her hands chopped off - well, the last thing you want to
do is
cook. Unless, of course, you cook the rapist and serve him
to his
mother at a dinner party! My daughter Lavinia and I will
show
you how.
(QUATRE
enters as LAVINIA, clutching a large mixing bowl held between her stumps
(what's left of her hands), pushing RELENA
as
the RAPIST in front of her.)
Good evening, Lavinia!
Q/Lavinia: Ood ebeie, mubba.3
D/Titus: And how are we feeling today?
Q/Lavinia: Ot so ood, mubba. I ot my ongue tsopped off.
D/Titus:
I know. It's a pisser, isn't it? But we'll get our revenge, won't we?
Now hark,
villain. I will grind your bones to dust,
And of
your blood and it I'll make a paste;
And of
the paste a coffin I will rear
And make
a pasty of your shameful head.
Come,
Lavinia, receive the blood.
First
of all, we want to make a nice, clean incision from carotid
artery
to jugular vein (slices the RAPIST'S throat) like so.
R/Rapist: Aaaaargh!
(Duo's
gotten carried away and continues to stab at Relena's body; he's really
enjoying himself. HEERO enters out of costume,
and
proceeded to loads his gun and shoot the convulsing body several times
in random spots; EB steps out carrying a large
inflatable
hammer; proceeds to hit Heero in the head and drag him offstage before
he goes trigger crazy.)
Q/Lavinia: Yecch. That's weally gwoss, mubba.
(QUATRE looks sick to his stomach as the body begins to drip down the sides of the counter top.)
D/Titus:
Be sure to use a big bowl for this because the human body
has about
four quarts of blood in it! And when that he is dead,
which
should be...
(TITUS
puts a pot on the floor to catch the dripping blood; LAVINIA has dragged
the RAPIST'S body to the doorway, where we
see
the butcher's knife rise a fall. RAPIST'S body convulses once, and then
is dragged away.)
...right
about now, let me grind his bones to powder small
And with
this hateful liquor4 temper it;
And in
that paste let his vile head be baked...5
At about
350 degrees. And 40 minutes later, you have the
loveliest
human head pie...
(LAVINIA re-enters with a truly disgusting pie, prepared earlier.)
...fit
to serve to a king (pulling a severed hand from the pie),
with
ladyfingers for dessert! Now, who will be the first to try
this
delicious taste treat?
(TITUS and LAVINIA offer the pie to a 'COUPLE' humble readers.)
"Welcome,
gracious lord. Welcome, dread queen.
Will't
please you eat? Will't please you feed?
It's
finger-lickin' good!
(DUO
AND QUATRE are excited that Relena is finally dead. They try to give each
other a high-five, but since neither has a hand,
it
is a miserable failure.)
Well,
we're just about out of time, everyone. Thanks for tuning in, and be sure
to watch next week, when our guest chef, Timon of
Athens,
will teach us how to make ratatouille out of our special guests, the Merry
Wives of Windsor! Until then....
D/Titus and Q/Lavinia: Bone appetit!6
(They
exits. The stage lights go out.)