Half an hour later, Xander had visited all the places he could think
of that Buffy would be. Even the sewers. He'd just walked up and down
main street, checking the alleyways, and was heading to the last
possible place he could think of. *She wouldn't be there. Not a happy
place for her.* Still, he had to try.
Buffy awoke after a particularly awful nightmare. In this one, Angelus
had won the battle, and Willow's curse hadn't worked. *Just a dream*
Buffy tried to calm herself. *He's never coming back. In any form. Why
did I come back here?* she wondered. *This is the last place I need to
be. This is the past, and I can't stay there, as much as I want to.*
"Buffy?" she turned to see a very dissheveled Xander Harris standing
at the door. "Are you okay?" he rushed over to her, and helped her up,
searching for signs of injury.
"Xander I'm fine, and," she checked her watch, "What the hell are you
doing out so late?"
"WHAT," Xander took a deep breath and tried again. *No yelling. It's
not going to help. Calm down. She's fine.* "What am I doing out so
late? Gee, Buff, I dunno, I get a panicked call from your mom at 3
am, what am I gonna do? Turn over and go back to sleep?"
"She called you," Buffy repeated.
"Yeah. She was obviously scared to death, enough to call me up and beg
me to go find you. So I did."
"Xander, I just went for a walk, and then I fell asleep here. I'm
sorry. I didn't mean to scare you or mom."
"It's okay," Xander sighed. "I'm just glad you're okay. I was
worried," he said.
She looked into his eyes and saw a little bit of the leftover panic
he'd been in, and she regretted she'd been the cause of it. "I love
you for worrying, it's one of the reasons I consider you such a good
friend," she said, and hugged him. Xander took a deep breath and held
her tight, relieved that his worst fears had been unfounded, for
tonight anyway.
When she pulled away, he asked, "So why did you come here? I know this
can't be a place you come just for fun."
"I don't really know why I'm here," Buffy shrugged. "I guess I still
feel an attachment to the place. It is where Angel lived....and died."
She walked over to the spot where the confrontation had occurred, and
said, "I never really talked about it, did I. You all just knew what
had happened, by the way I acted. I guess I just hoped if I didn't
talk about it I could make it all go away. But I guess not talking
about it makes it worse. It's this huge thing that I keep to myself,
and it keeps getting harder and harder to deal with.
"Don't get me wrong, most of the time I can play normal Buffy. Some of
the time I can even be moderately happy. And you and the others have
been a big part of that." she said. "But I feel, sometimes, like I'm
drowning in this pain, and I don't know how much longer I can fight
for air."
"You don't have to go through this alone, Buffy. Don't you know that
by now?" Xander asked gently.
"I know," she nodded. "I'm supposed to be the strong one, though. I'm
the Slayer."
"It doesn't make you any less strong to lean on me, or any of the
rest of your friends. You've saved all our lives so many times, it's
the least we could do for you now."
"I can't go on like this anymore, I do know that much," Buffy said.
She looked over at Xander. He was sitting on the arm of the couch
silently, waiting. She realized that of all her friends, she trusted
him the most and would probably find it easiest to talk to him. She
sighed sadly, and sank to her knees on the floor. She looked at the
Claddagh ring on her finger, twisting it thoughtfully.
"I guess the reason I came back here tonight is because I feel like a
piece of me died when I had to kill Angel."
She looked up at Xander, his face didn't register that her revelation
had sunk in. She looked away again, back at the spot where she'd
killed her lover. "When I came in here that night, I didn't really
have a plan. I just knew that I couldn't let things go on like they
had been. First Jenny, then Willow, Kendra, Giles. Willow and Giles
were still alive, but I couldn't help wondering for how long. And
when he'd move through all the rest of the people I loved: you, mom.
Hey, maybe he'd make a trip to L.A. to see my dad too, while he was
at it. So I walked in here ready to do whatever it would take to stop
him. I'd lost so much already, it was time to end it.
When I found him and Dru, Spike took care of Dru so I could keep my
concentration on Angelus. He was so....cold," Buffy shivered,
remembering the cruel way he'd looked and acted toward her. "He
taunted and he mocked, and I tried to ignore it. That wasn't Angel. It
was a monster using his body. I let my instincts take over, I stopped
caring. I fought him with all the strength that I had. I think it
surprised him that I was able to do that.
Finally, I won. I knocked him to the ground. It was over. Or at least
that's what I thought. Just when I was ready to end it, there was a
flash of light. Something changed. I watched his eyes go from the
cold, hateful demon that I could almost hate to the warm, loving man
that I couldn't help but love."
Buffy looked over at Xander, his expression was complete shock. "No."
"Oh yeah," Buffy laughed humorlessly. "I believe it would classify as
a twist of fate, if anything would." She looked away, again, so she
could continue. "I can only assume that Willow tried the curse again,
and this time it worked. I thought that my prayers had been answered,
and for a brief moment, everything was perfect. And then I saw
Acathla. He was awake, and life as we knew it was about to be sucked
into hell."
Buffy took a deep breath, and said, "So I did what any good Slayer
would do. I held Angel one last time, I kissed him goodbye, and then
I sent him to hell." She was crying silently by this point, and
brushed the tears from her eyes and looked up at Xander. His face was
a mixture of shock, sympathy, and sorrow.
"So now you know," she shrugged. "You know why it wasn't easy to talk
about, and you know why I can't let go."
"Buffy," Xander said, "I have to tell you something now."
*******
of that Buffy would be. Even the sewers. He'd just walked up and down
main street, checking the alleyways, and was heading to the last
possible place he could think of. *She wouldn't be there. Not a happy
place for her.* Still, he had to try.
Buffy awoke after a particularly awful nightmare. In this one, Angelus
had won the battle, and Willow's curse hadn't worked. *Just a dream*
Buffy tried to calm herself. *He's never coming back. In any form. Why
did I come back here?* she wondered. *This is the last place I need to
be. This is the past, and I can't stay there, as much as I want to.*
"Buffy?" she turned to see a very dissheveled Xander Harris standing
at the door. "Are you okay?" he rushed over to her, and helped her up,
searching for signs of injury.
"Xander I'm fine, and," she checked her watch, "What the hell are you
doing out so late?"
"WHAT," Xander took a deep breath and tried again. *No yelling. It's
not going to help. Calm down. She's fine.* "What am I doing out so
late? Gee, Buff, I dunno, I get a panicked call from your mom at 3
am, what am I gonna do? Turn over and go back to sleep?"
"She called you," Buffy repeated.
"Yeah. She was obviously scared to death, enough to call me up and beg
me to go find you. So I did."
"Xander, I just went for a walk, and then I fell asleep here. I'm
sorry. I didn't mean to scare you or mom."
"It's okay," Xander sighed. "I'm just glad you're okay. I was
worried," he said.
She looked into his eyes and saw a little bit of the leftover panic
he'd been in, and she regretted she'd been the cause of it. "I love
you for worrying, it's one of the reasons I consider you such a good
friend," she said, and hugged him. Xander took a deep breath and held
her tight, relieved that his worst fears had been unfounded, for
tonight anyway.
When she pulled away, he asked, "So why did you come here? I know this
can't be a place you come just for fun."
"I don't really know why I'm here," Buffy shrugged. "I guess I still
feel an attachment to the place. It is where Angel lived....and died."
She walked over to the spot where the confrontation had occurred, and
said, "I never really talked about it, did I. You all just knew what
had happened, by the way I acted. I guess I just hoped if I didn't
talk about it I could make it all go away. But I guess not talking
about it makes it worse. It's this huge thing that I keep to myself,
and it keeps getting harder and harder to deal with.
"Don't get me wrong, most of the time I can play normal Buffy. Some of
the time I can even be moderately happy. And you and the others have
been a big part of that." she said. "But I feel, sometimes, like I'm
drowning in this pain, and I don't know how much longer I can fight
for air."
"You don't have to go through this alone, Buffy. Don't you know that
by now?" Xander asked gently.
"I know," she nodded. "I'm supposed to be the strong one, though. I'm
the Slayer."
"It doesn't make you any less strong to lean on me, or any of the
rest of your friends. You've saved all our lives so many times, it's
the least we could do for you now."
"I can't go on like this anymore, I do know that much," Buffy said.
She looked over at Xander. He was sitting on the arm of the couch
silently, waiting. She realized that of all her friends, she trusted
him the most and would probably find it easiest to talk to him. She
sighed sadly, and sank to her knees on the floor. She looked at the
Claddagh ring on her finger, twisting it thoughtfully.
"I guess the reason I came back here tonight is because I feel like a
piece of me died when I had to kill Angel."
She looked up at Xander, his face didn't register that her revelation
had sunk in. She looked away again, back at the spot where she'd
killed her lover. "When I came in here that night, I didn't really
have a plan. I just knew that I couldn't let things go on like they
had been. First Jenny, then Willow, Kendra, Giles. Willow and Giles
were still alive, but I couldn't help wondering for how long. And
when he'd move through all the rest of the people I loved: you, mom.
Hey, maybe he'd make a trip to L.A. to see my dad too, while he was
at it. So I walked in here ready to do whatever it would take to stop
him. I'd lost so much already, it was time to end it.
When I found him and Dru, Spike took care of Dru so I could keep my
concentration on Angelus. He was so....cold," Buffy shivered,
remembering the cruel way he'd looked and acted toward her. "He
taunted and he mocked, and I tried to ignore it. That wasn't Angel. It
was a monster using his body. I let my instincts take over, I stopped
caring. I fought him with all the strength that I had. I think it
surprised him that I was able to do that.
Finally, I won. I knocked him to the ground. It was over. Or at least
that's what I thought. Just when I was ready to end it, there was a
flash of light. Something changed. I watched his eyes go from the
cold, hateful demon that I could almost hate to the warm, loving man
that I couldn't help but love."
Buffy looked over at Xander, his expression was complete shock. "No."
"Oh yeah," Buffy laughed humorlessly. "I believe it would classify as
a twist of fate, if anything would." She looked away, again, so she
could continue. "I can only assume that Willow tried the curse again,
and this time it worked. I thought that my prayers had been answered,
and for a brief moment, everything was perfect. And then I saw
Acathla. He was awake, and life as we knew it was about to be sucked
into hell."
Buffy took a deep breath, and said, "So I did what any good Slayer
would do. I held Angel one last time, I kissed him goodbye, and then
I sent him to hell." She was crying silently by this point, and
brushed the tears from her eyes and looked up at Xander. His face was
a mixture of shock, sympathy, and sorrow.
"So now you know," she shrugged. "You know why it wasn't easy to talk
about, and you know why I can't let go."
"Buffy," Xander said, "I have to tell you something now."
*******