Disappointment
you shouldn't have done
You couldn't have done
You shouldn't have done
The things you did then
And we could've been happy
What a piteous thing, a hideous thing
Was tainted by the rest
But it won't get any harder
And I hope you'll find your way again
And it won't get any higher
But it all boils down to what you did then
(Disappointment - Cranberries)
********
"I probably have horrible timing, but what else is new," Xander said.
"And once I say this, you're probably never going to want to speak to
me again," he warned.
"I doubt that," Buffy said reassuringly.
"I don't," Xander replied. "I've tried to tell you so many times, but
I always stopped myself. The only reason being that I'm a coward. The
night that you had the...fight...with Angelus, I
showed up to help, remember?"
"Yeah, and I told you to get Giles and get out of there," Buffy
replied.
"Well, Willow sent me there for another reason too. She told me that
she was going to try the curse again," Xander said, and looked away,
unable to look her in the eyes.
"What?" Buffy said, refusing to believe her ears.
"I knew that Willow was trying the curse, and I didn't tell you,"
Xander said again, still looking at the floor. The silence unnerved
him, so he finally looked at her. He wished that he hadn't.
The look spoke of grief and disappointment, and broke his heart. Then
her eyes flashed with anger, and she jumped to her feet. "You knew.
And you didn't tell me!" she said, as if repeating it would help her
to believe it.
"Yes," he admitted softly.
"Damn you!" she screamed and slapped him across the face. "How _could_
you?!"
"I deserved that," he said. "And much more. I don't know why I didn't
tell you, Buffy. I think I was afraid that something bad would happen
to you if I did. But there's no excuse, I should have told you. I
wish I had told you. God, Buffy, I wished that, even before I knew
that the curse had worked. Now that I know ...."
He trailed off, hopelessly. Her face was still a mask of rage, and he
didn't know what to say to make things better. Still, he told himself,
he had to keep trying.
"I could tell you I'm sorry repeatedly until the day I die, and it
wouldn't even come close to telling you how sorry I am," Xander said.
"I care about you, more than you will ever know, and to know that I
might have saved you some pain but didn't...it kills me."
Buffy's expression hadn't softened at all. "You _care_ about me? You
have a really funny way of showing it." She shook her head, "I can't
look at you right now." She turned away from him, adding, "Get out."
"Buffy--"
"Get out!" She screamed.
She heard his sigh of resignation, and then the sound of footsteps as
he walked away. When she was gone, she fell to her knees, screaming
to the skies, "What more do you want from me?! Haven't I lost enough
yet?!"
*******************
Xander stopped as he heard Buffy's cry of anguish. He wanted to go
back to her, but then he reminded himself. *She doesn't want me
around. In fact, she probably wants me dead. Heck, I want me dead.*
He sighed forlornly and went in search of another who could help
Buffy.
you shouldn't have done
You couldn't have done
You shouldn't have done
The things you did then
And we could've been happy
What a piteous thing, a hideous thing
Was tainted by the rest
But it won't get any harder
And I hope you'll find your way again
And it won't get any higher
But it all boils down to what you did then
(Disappointment - Cranberries)
********
"I probably have horrible timing, but what else is new," Xander said.
"And once I say this, you're probably never going to want to speak to
me again," he warned.
"I doubt that," Buffy said reassuringly.
"I don't," Xander replied. "I've tried to tell you so many times, but
I always stopped myself. The only reason being that I'm a coward. The
night that you had the...fight...with Angelus, I
showed up to help, remember?"
"Yeah, and I told you to get Giles and get out of there," Buffy
replied.
"Well, Willow sent me there for another reason too. She told me that
she was going to try the curse again," Xander said, and looked away,
unable to look her in the eyes.
"What?" Buffy said, refusing to believe her ears.
"I knew that Willow was trying the curse, and I didn't tell you,"
Xander said again, still looking at the floor. The silence unnerved
him, so he finally looked at her. He wished that he hadn't.
The look spoke of grief and disappointment, and broke his heart. Then
her eyes flashed with anger, and she jumped to her feet. "You knew.
And you didn't tell me!" she said, as if repeating it would help her
to believe it.
"Yes," he admitted softly.
"Damn you!" she screamed and slapped him across the face. "How _could_
you?!"
"I deserved that," he said. "And much more. I don't know why I didn't
tell you, Buffy. I think I was afraid that something bad would happen
to you if I did. But there's no excuse, I should have told you. I
wish I had told you. God, Buffy, I wished that, even before I knew
that the curse had worked. Now that I know ...."
He trailed off, hopelessly. Her face was still a mask of rage, and he
didn't know what to say to make things better. Still, he told himself,
he had to keep trying.
"I could tell you I'm sorry repeatedly until the day I die, and it
wouldn't even come close to telling you how sorry I am," Xander said.
"I care about you, more than you will ever know, and to know that I
might have saved you some pain but didn't...it kills me."
Buffy's expression hadn't softened at all. "You _care_ about me? You
have a really funny way of showing it." She shook her head, "I can't
look at you right now." She turned away from him, adding, "Get out."
"Buffy--"
"Get out!" She screamed.
She heard his sigh of resignation, and then the sound of footsteps as
he walked away. When she was gone, she fell to her knees, screaming
to the skies, "What more do you want from me?! Haven't I lost enough
yet?!"
*******************
Xander stopped as he heard Buffy's cry of anguish. He wanted to go
back to her, but then he reminded himself. *She doesn't want me
around. In fact, she probably wants me dead. Heck, I want me dead.*
He sighed forlornly and went in search of another who could help
Buffy.