Part 21 - Forgiveness
Friday
Buffy returned from a relatively easy night of slaying, and found
a note in the kitchen from her mom. "Had to go out of town on
business, plenty of frozen dinners in the freezer. Love, Mom"
Buffy read the note. "Well, that's fine with me. I need some
space from her worrying. First she mentions Angel constantly. Now
it's Xander," she sighed in irritation.
She went up to her room, and laid on her bed, falling asleep
almost immediately. Some time later, she didn't know when, she
heard his voice. "Buffy?"
*No*
"Buffy open your eyes and look at me," the voice pleaded.
*Go away*
"Please," the touch of his hand on her arm was the last straw.
She jumped up out of her bed and scrambled across the room, away
from Angel.
"You're dead," she said.
"For over two hundred years," Angel agreed.
Buffy was not amused.
"Okay, okay," Angel said. "Bad joke. You're right. I'm still
dead."
"Then why are you talking to me?" Buffy asked suspiciously.
"Because....because this is Sunnydale," Angel replied. "Are you
really amazed at anything that happens in this town anymore?"
"Not really," Buffy admitted.
"Well, aren't you going to ask me why I'm here?" Angel asked.
"I'd rather you left," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I can't
take it. Because you're just going to leave again, and then I'll
have to cry some more. And then I'll have to be locked up in a
padded room because I will have gone as loony as Drusilla."
"I don't mean to hurt you, Buffy," Angel said sadly.
"I've gotten that a lot lately," Buffy replied harshly. At
Angel's wounded look, she added, "Sorry. Say what you're here to
say and then do the disappearing act."
"Fair enough," Angel nodded. "I wish you'd quit looking like
you've seen a ghost, though."
"Huh??????" Buffy gave him an 'are you kidding me?' look. "I
have. I am."
"Good point," Angel replied. "I have just a few things to say to
you. The first one is, I don't hate you, Buffy. So don't hate
yourself."
Buffy tried to will the tears to stay away but they wouldn't. She
brushed them away, and looked at the floor. She couldn't look at
his face, it was breaking her heart.
"There's nothing I need to forgive, because you did the only
thing you could do. My life, such as it was, for yours; don't you
know I would have given it willingly?"
Buffy nodded, it was something she had always known deep down.
*It still doesn't make it hurt any less.*
"I know it doesn't, sweetheart," Angel said.
Buffy looked at him in surprise. "Oh, yeah. Ghost equals reading
minds of course," she shrugged.
"And the other thing I came here to say, was that you shouldn't
be be so willing to shut out the people who care about you."
"What???" Buffy's face fell. "You don't think I should be mad at
him for what he did?"
"I didn't say that," Angel replied. "I understand your anger. I'm
just saying that you shouldn't shut him out forever. He's your
friend--"
"What a friend," Buffy muttered.
"Buffy, has Xander Harris _ever_ done anything with the specific
intention of hurting you?"
Buffy gave him a look of irritation, but admitted, "No."
"Okay then," Angel said. "Don't give up something like that. It's
not something you find often, or is easily replaced. Believe me,
I know. I looked for 250 years, and only found a hand-full of
people that I could count on. He's one of those people, as far as
you're concerned, Buffy. You need that. I need that for you. I
can't be there for you anymore."
Buffy just looked away. "Please go. I feel like my heart's going
to rip in two..." *That's funny, I thought it did that already.*
"I love you, Buffy. Always. Don't ever doubt that. I want you to
be happy, and I want you to find a way to move on with your life.
You don't have to be alone forever to prove your love to me. I
know you love me, but it's okay to let go. Goodbye, my love."
Buffy looked over to where he'd been sitting, but he was gone.
Again. She sank to her floor, sobbing uncontrollably.
******
Two Hours Later
Buffy had gotten a grip on her emotions, and decided to get out
of the house for a while. She wandered aimlessly for half an
hour, and then found herself at Willow's house. She checked her
watch, it was 3 am. *There is no chance she's up* She looked up
at Willow's window, and was relieved to see that the light was
still on.
A couple of well-thrown pebbles, and Willow appeared at the
window. "Hey," Willow said. "I'll come down and let you in."
When Willow opened the door, she asked, "What happened? You look
like..."
"Like?" Buffy prodded, entering the house.
"Like you've seen a ghost," Willow said, frowning.
Buffy laughed hollowly at the irony of that statement. "Do you
believe in ghosts?" she asked.
"Yeah, I do," Willow said. "Why?"
"Could we talk about it somewhere more private?" Buffy asked.
"Of course, come on up to my room," Willow said. Buffy followed
her to her room, and asked, "Willow, what do you think would be
the reason someone sees a ghost?"
"Usually it's because the spirit of the person feels the need to
stay near his or her loved one, to protect them. Sometimes, it's
also because the person who died needs to say something to the
one he left behind. He'll stick around here until he can figure
out how to get the message across."
"And when he does?"
"Well, then hopefully he'll go on to wherever he's supposed to
go," Willow said. "Buffy, why are you asking these questions?"
"It was probably just a dream," Buffy said, shaking her head.
"Spirits have been known to communicate in dreams. What's going
on?" Willow pressed.
Buffy sighed, and then said, "Fine. I might as well tell someone.
It might have been a dream, but I saw Angel. He told me..." she
brushed away the tear that rolled down her cheek. "He told me
that he didn't hate me or blame me for what I had to do. Then he
really surprised me by telling me not to shut Xander out of my
life. How weird is that?"
"Not that weird," Willow replied. "First of all, I don't think
it's any secret how much you've been beating yourself up about
what happened the night you had to kill Angel. So I think it's
completely probable that Angel, even in spirit form, would want
to help relieve your guilt. And I also think it's very like Angel
to not want you to lose your friends. He's still looking out for
you, the best that he can. As to whether it was in 'real-life' or
in a dream, I don't know. But I don't think it matters. I think
it was real to you, and you should take what he said to heart."
"I really want to believe he doesn't hate me," Buffy said.
"Then do," Willow said. "Just go with it, and don't over-analyze
it."
Both were silent for a few minutes, and Willow spoke again, "You
seem to be okay with seeing him."
"I'm not," Buffy replied. "It killed me to see him and know he
was leaving again. But I'll survive. I've gotten good at that
lately."
"I think it's going to get easier, if you can let go of your
guilt and forgive yourself," Willow said.
"Maybe," Buffy shrugged. She yawned then, and added, "I don't
want to go back there tonight. It freaked me out in a major way.
I don't suppose I could stay on your floor?"
"Of course you can," Willow said with a smile. "It'll be a
sleep-over, just like old times. Here, take this blanket, and
here's a spare pillow."
"Thanks, Will. I'm sorry to be such a bother--"
"You are _not_ a bother," Willow said firmly. "You could never
be. Now try to get some sleep. I know you're exhausted with the
events of this past week."
"I am," Buffy agreed. She curled up on the floor, and had no
trouble getting back to sleep.
*****
Friday
Buffy returned from a relatively easy night of slaying, and found
a note in the kitchen from her mom. "Had to go out of town on
business, plenty of frozen dinners in the freezer. Love, Mom"
Buffy read the note. "Well, that's fine with me. I need some
space from her worrying. First she mentions Angel constantly. Now
it's Xander," she sighed in irritation.
She went up to her room, and laid on her bed, falling asleep
almost immediately. Some time later, she didn't know when, she
heard his voice. "Buffy?"
*No*
"Buffy open your eyes and look at me," the voice pleaded.
*Go away*
"Please," the touch of his hand on her arm was the last straw.
She jumped up out of her bed and scrambled across the room, away
from Angel.
"You're dead," she said.
"For over two hundred years," Angel agreed.
Buffy was not amused.
"Okay, okay," Angel said. "Bad joke. You're right. I'm still
dead."
"Then why are you talking to me?" Buffy asked suspiciously.
"Because....because this is Sunnydale," Angel replied. "Are you
really amazed at anything that happens in this town anymore?"
"Not really," Buffy admitted.
"Well, aren't you going to ask me why I'm here?" Angel asked.
"I'd rather you left," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I can't
take it. Because you're just going to leave again, and then I'll
have to cry some more. And then I'll have to be locked up in a
padded room because I will have gone as loony as Drusilla."
"I don't mean to hurt you, Buffy," Angel said sadly.
"I've gotten that a lot lately," Buffy replied harshly. At
Angel's wounded look, she added, "Sorry. Say what you're here to
say and then do the disappearing act."
"Fair enough," Angel nodded. "I wish you'd quit looking like
you've seen a ghost, though."
"Huh??????" Buffy gave him an 'are you kidding me?' look. "I
have. I am."
"Good point," Angel replied. "I have just a few things to say to
you. The first one is, I don't hate you, Buffy. So don't hate
yourself."
Buffy tried to will the tears to stay away but they wouldn't. She
brushed them away, and looked at the floor. She couldn't look at
his face, it was breaking her heart.
"There's nothing I need to forgive, because you did the only
thing you could do. My life, such as it was, for yours; don't you
know I would have given it willingly?"
Buffy nodded, it was something she had always known deep down.
*It still doesn't make it hurt any less.*
"I know it doesn't, sweetheart," Angel said.
Buffy looked at him in surprise. "Oh, yeah. Ghost equals reading
minds of course," she shrugged.
"And the other thing I came here to say, was that you shouldn't
be be so willing to shut out the people who care about you."
"What???" Buffy's face fell. "You don't think I should be mad at
him for what he did?"
"I didn't say that," Angel replied. "I understand your anger. I'm
just saying that you shouldn't shut him out forever. He's your
friend--"
"What a friend," Buffy muttered.
"Buffy, has Xander Harris _ever_ done anything with the specific
intention of hurting you?"
Buffy gave him a look of irritation, but admitted, "No."
"Okay then," Angel said. "Don't give up something like that. It's
not something you find often, or is easily replaced. Believe me,
I know. I looked for 250 years, and only found a hand-full of
people that I could count on. He's one of those people, as far as
you're concerned, Buffy. You need that. I need that for you. I
can't be there for you anymore."
Buffy just looked away. "Please go. I feel like my heart's going
to rip in two..." *That's funny, I thought it did that already.*
"I love you, Buffy. Always. Don't ever doubt that. I want you to
be happy, and I want you to find a way to move on with your life.
You don't have to be alone forever to prove your love to me. I
know you love me, but it's okay to let go. Goodbye, my love."
Buffy looked over to where he'd been sitting, but he was gone.
Again. She sank to her floor, sobbing uncontrollably.
******
Two Hours Later
Buffy had gotten a grip on her emotions, and decided to get out
of the house for a while. She wandered aimlessly for half an
hour, and then found herself at Willow's house. She checked her
watch, it was 3 am. *There is no chance she's up* She looked up
at Willow's window, and was relieved to see that the light was
still on.
A couple of well-thrown pebbles, and Willow appeared at the
window. "Hey," Willow said. "I'll come down and let you in."
When Willow opened the door, she asked, "What happened? You look
like..."
"Like?" Buffy prodded, entering the house.
"Like you've seen a ghost," Willow said, frowning.
Buffy laughed hollowly at the irony of that statement. "Do you
believe in ghosts?" she asked.
"Yeah, I do," Willow said. "Why?"
"Could we talk about it somewhere more private?" Buffy asked.
"Of course, come on up to my room," Willow said. Buffy followed
her to her room, and asked, "Willow, what do you think would be
the reason someone sees a ghost?"
"Usually it's because the spirit of the person feels the need to
stay near his or her loved one, to protect them. Sometimes, it's
also because the person who died needs to say something to the
one he left behind. He'll stick around here until he can figure
out how to get the message across."
"And when he does?"
"Well, then hopefully he'll go on to wherever he's supposed to
go," Willow said. "Buffy, why are you asking these questions?"
"It was probably just a dream," Buffy said, shaking her head.
"Spirits have been known to communicate in dreams. What's going
on?" Willow pressed.
Buffy sighed, and then said, "Fine. I might as well tell someone.
It might have been a dream, but I saw Angel. He told me..." she
brushed away the tear that rolled down her cheek. "He told me
that he didn't hate me or blame me for what I had to do. Then he
really surprised me by telling me not to shut Xander out of my
life. How weird is that?"
"Not that weird," Willow replied. "First of all, I don't think
it's any secret how much you've been beating yourself up about
what happened the night you had to kill Angel. So I think it's
completely probable that Angel, even in spirit form, would want
to help relieve your guilt. And I also think it's very like Angel
to not want you to lose your friends. He's still looking out for
you, the best that he can. As to whether it was in 'real-life' or
in a dream, I don't know. But I don't think it matters. I think
it was real to you, and you should take what he said to heart."
"I really want to believe he doesn't hate me," Buffy said.
"Then do," Willow said. "Just go with it, and don't over-analyze
it."
Both were silent for a few minutes, and Willow spoke again, "You
seem to be okay with seeing him."
"I'm not," Buffy replied. "It killed me to see him and know he
was leaving again. But I'll survive. I've gotten good at that
lately."
"I think it's going to get easier, if you can let go of your
guilt and forgive yourself," Willow said.
"Maybe," Buffy shrugged. She yawned then, and added, "I don't
want to go back there tonight. It freaked me out in a major way.
I don't suppose I could stay on your floor?"
"Of course you can," Willow said with a smile. "It'll be a
sleep-over, just like old times. Here, take this blanket, and
here's a spare pillow."
"Thanks, Will. I'm sorry to be such a bother--"
"You are _not_ a bother," Willow said firmly. "You could never
be. Now try to get some sleep. I know you're exhausted with the
events of this past week."
"I am," Buffy agreed. She curled up on the floor, and had no
trouble getting back to sleep.
*****