Disclaimer: DC Comics and Time/Warner own All the characters; this is an original story that does not intend to infringe on their copyright.
Note in British slang a 'Bird' is a woman and 'Pulling a Bird' is getting a date!
A Perfect Couple
By
Peggie
"Sir," came the eminently patient voice of Alfred Pennyworth, "I thought you had a date with Miss William-Mellor this evening!"
"I did Alfred, but I cancelled." Batman replied. "Penguin has been spotted casing the Natural History museum. I am sure he's after the display of rare birds."
He heard the old man sigh loudly. "He'll probably have more chance of pulling a bird than you will." the butler muttered wearily.
"I didn't quite catch that Alfred you were saying?" Batman asked as he spun his chair around from the computer to face his friend.
The old man stood for a moment staring into his employers piercing, blue eyes. Alfred always weighed up carefully when to speak his mind and when not to. After nearly thirty years of caring for this young man, who he loved like a son, he knew advice given too often would be ignored. But advice given only when absolutely necessary and in the correct way, with a well aimed cutting remark or a joke, often worked best with Bruce.
"Sir, you and Miss Mellor would make an excellent couple."
"But Alfred, you hate her, when we started dating you described her as an 'empty headed bimbo!' In fact you nearly called her Miss Bimbo to her face the first time you met her."
"The idea Sir, I am well enough trained never to make a slip like that. Never in thirty years of service have I treated one of your Bimbos with anything other than more respect than they deserved."
Batman nearly choked on his coffee.
"When I said that Bruce Wayne and Miss Mellor were suited I was of course referring to the fact that both are considered to be a catch, in other words, good looking, rich and lacking brains. A perfect match in everyone's opinion. I was partially struck by her most alluring quality, her money. I mean when, as is inevitable with any of your relationships, she gets fed up with your ways and decides to divorce you she will not be able to make too high a claim on your finances. And if there were to be children then they would eventually be extremely rich."
Batman was now choking on his coffee.
"You were the same as a child," the old man said patting his master on the back, "always rushing your refreshments."
Alfred set down the plate of cookies he had brought and while his employer was still speechless he left the cave.
As batman managed to catch his breath he spluttered, "Who mentioned marriage and children!"
Alfred wasn't there to answer so Batman headed up to the house and the kitchen. His friend was just hanging up the phone when he found him.
"Who mentioned marriage and children?" he demanded.
"Sir you are not getting any younger, and neither am I. My C.V. has one very serious gap in it. Never once in all my years of domestic service have I organised a society wedding. Yes, before you say it, I've organised, banquets, charity balls and the annual gala but they, Sir, are not the same. It has always been my ambition to organise a real society wedding! Some employers understand that these things mean a lot. Tony Scott has been considerate enough to give his butler the opportunity to arrange five such events. Honestly sir, I would be content to do it just once!"
Batman was eyeing his friend carefully, it was often difficult to decide when the old man was joking and when he was being serious. He did have a very strange sense of the humour.
"There are so many advantage to you marrying sir, apart from the fact it would allow me to upgrade my C.V.. You would find yourself with a beautiful companion on hand all the time; I wouldn't have to call every eligible female in Gotham when you require a dinner date at short notice. If you chose the right person she would be your trusted friend who you could confide in. And I feel Sir, you require a steady loving relationship. It would give you something else to channel you energies into."
Embarrassed, Batman cleared his throat. "You've got some nerve Alfred, talking about marriage, you are still a bachelor at sixty something!"
"Quite so sir, but unlike yourself, I have a steady loving relationship, one that has been a joy to me for over twenty years. The fact we have not had what my mother would have termed 'the blessing of the church' is neither here nor there. Marriage was not a priority for either Leslie or myself, one day we may still take that step, but until then we remain friends committed to each others happiness."
Batman removed his cowl and a slightly confused Bruce Wayne look at his friend. "So you and Leslie are more than..." he stopped unsure how to complete the sentence. He knew the couple to be friends but had never suspected anything more, some detective he turned out to be.
The older man had an amused smile on his face "Leslie and I are much more than.." he said. "How else do you think I managed to stay sane when dealing with your irrational behaviour and your alter ego's moods."
Bruce looked at his friend shame faced.
"Son, that's all I want for you." the old man said his voice gentle. "I want you to know the joy in having a close and loving relationship. A genuine one, not just another fling with a brainless Bimbo to bolster Bruce Wayne's playboy reputation. So I took the liberty of contacting Miss Kyle sir."
Bruce almost collapsed into the nearest chair, he looked closely at his friend. "But you, know that she's Catwoman!" he spluttered.
"Oh yes sir, that's what makes her so suitable. Not only does she have the same hobbies and interests as you, crime, although not from the same prospective, and dressing up, but you are both already so attracted to each other. That sort of chemistry keeps a relationship alive, believe me!" he said with a faraway wistful look on his face.
"She will be meeting you here at eight, so that should give you time to turn back into Bruce Wayne. May I be bold enough to request that she meets the real man and not your image, Sir." the butler said frowning at his employer. "A lady of Miss Kyle's charms requires a man not a wimp."
Speechless, Bruce was staring at the man.
"Seeing as this is my evening off, I will prepare a buffet meal for you. As you will not, be patrolling the streets of Gotham tonight I intend to take tomorrow off. Therefore I will not be returning to the Manor until late tomorrow evening. I have already prepared a breakfast tray, for two, do not let it go to waste." The man added sternly. "Try to remember to remove the cling film before serving Sir. Failure to do so ruins the effect."
Bruce was sitting, mouth open, looking totally dazed.
"Bruce, close your mouth, this is not a fly catching competition." the old man said using a phrase that Bruce hadn't heard him use since he was a child.
"Now hurry up young man and get changed, you don't want to keep your date waiting and I certainly do not intend keeping mine standing around."
"What about Penguin and the rare birds?"
"Please sir, forget Penguin and his birds, concentrate on Bruce Wayne and one special bird, Miss Kyle. Let the police deal with Penguin, I will contact Commissioner Gordon while you change."
Alfred arrived outside the small Italian restaurant that Leslie and he considered as their special place, just as she stepped out of a taxi. He kissed her and presented her with a single blood red rose.
"Well, how did it go? Did you set up the date?" Leslie asked.
"Mission accomplished!" her partner said smiling.
She gave him a brilliant smile that made him feel weak at the knees. Alfred thanked God, for his good fortune, just as he did every time they met.
"Now it's up to him." Leslie said. "But I think you're right they will make a perfect couple."