heart

Heart of Ice
By Sailor Charon, Bard of the Senshi
PG 13: Bad Word Warning

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Free

Thorns biting, flesh weeping, manacles of stone and duty entwine me... yet finally I am free. Bindings of both mind and body give way and I stumble forward...

Softly they whisper.

'She thinks she's better then us!'
'Arrogant! Snob!'
'Who does she think she is? Perfect!'

They smile emptily in my face, eyes burning with jealousy & hatred, as they whisper murder from the corners of their mouths. Their flaming eyes and words slice into me like a thousand pricking daggers. No one understands. No one wishes to even try. I am to be admired & envied from afar, and from a distance I will regard them, my heart safely frozen from their false smiles and biting words.

'Unfeeling!'
'She doesn't care for such as us...'
'Cold bitch!'

Yes, I am cold. I am the lady of the arctic sea, the bearer of the heart of ice...

Silence

Blessed silence. Within the emptiness the ache has finally stopped, memory ebbing away with the pain. But I can not embrace this peace for the Silence is coming. It will be the end of all pain... no, it will be the end of everything. Pain and pleasure, sadness and delight-- the mad dance of life. Thoughts swirl and skitter within the maelstrom of my mind.

My mind has wandered. A dangerous thing, especially here. I find myself kneeling on the cold stone floor, staring uncomprehendingly at my own limbs. So much pain... so many little black arrows, each with a stabbing razor tip. Should there not be blood?

Such a struggle to merely raise my head... and then my gaze meets hers. My rock, the eye to my storm, the wind which sets my waves in motion. Haruka, the source of my strength, the source of my weakness.

How I envy her.

I, Queen of the Schoolyard with a thousand envious attendants, envy her. I am jealous of her ability to smile and laugh, to flirt and forget, for one precious moment to forget what she is, what she must do. Oh, the fits of darkness come upon her as well, and I alone will sooth her with my greater darkness; but I envy her even this. I envy her ability to still doubt. For I... I can not. I must be the strong one. I can not flounder for an instance in my determination lest I pull her down into the darkness with me. And the doubts circle about me, vultures awaiting my first sign of weakness, each of them with innocent eyes of blue...

I give all. I give nothing. I can not allow a single crack to penetrate the walls I have so carefully constructed.

No doubts. No weakness. No mercy.

And it is all a lie.

Only a few feet separate us; the distance between the moon and the sun separate us. They both stare at me aghast, the sun-haired lover and the flame-haired enemy. The evil one appears mesmerized by my charge, forgetting to threaten Uranus with her drawn weapon.

"Haruka... I will not let you die..."

"Neptune wait! Don't move!"

I step forward.

Whispers. Deadly whispers. Someone is screaming... is it me?

The arrows sigh as they rain upon me from the walls, the blue eyed child murmurs within my mind. So dangerous this one, with her naive words of hope and faith. And even though I know her hope will be revealed as illusion-- it must be!-- her way entices me...

'Don't you have to think about those who are being sacrificed? I can't watch others being unhappy, even if I'm saved. Even if I can't do it myself, if people work together, there must be a way to do things without sacrificing anybody.' Usagi's innocent words echo within my mind.

They are words that I desperately wish are true... words that I desperately fear lest they be true. Sailor Moon and Tsukino Usagi are one, and Kaioh Michiru is drawn to the ideal that they both represent. However, Kaioh Michiru can not save the world; that is the task for which Sailor Neptune was born.

Other words, spoken by my own lips...

'Remember, no matter what happens, we have to get the talisman. We have to ignore each other's dangers and go for it alone.'

I am always the one reminding her of our quest, staying her hand when she would interfere, standing above the prone bodies of those with pure hearts like some nightmare goblin ready to snatch away life & treasure if the talisman should appear. I pressed Haruka to promise... how long ago? A few minutes? A few hours? A lifetime? An oath to remain steadfast and not betray our cause. She must be what I am not.

Because I am a fraud. I am weak. I pretend to be the strong one, but in truth I am so much weaker then she. I mouth the words that will condemn three innocents to death and be the salvation of the world, and yet deep inside I know that my heart does not belong to our quest. For she alone holds my heart, the first to breach my defenses. A hot wind that began to thaw the heart I had so jealously guarded for so many years.

I promised to let nothing endanger our mission but I can not sacrifice her, even for the sake of the world.

Silence again, if only for a moment.

Smoke hisses from the emptied weapon sockets in the walls. I sense that the eternal silence waits beyond the edge of my vision. It is now up to her to protect the world from falling to this same silence. If only...

"NEPTUNE!" her scream reverberates around the cathedral, pulling my thoughts back to the present.

I stagger. My strength is all but gone. The Silence comes and I can not stop it. I can not save the world... I can only try to save her.

Eudial whirls about frantically as I surge towards her, anguish & love & desperation fueling this last burst of power. Half in self defense she raises her gun, about to take my traitorous heart.

Forgive me Haruka... I lied.


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Author's Notes

Well, it didn't turn out exactly the way I had originally envisioned it... but eh, what does?

MINOR SPOILERS

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For all of you going "HUH? What the *%%^* is going on here???"; this takes place during Episode 110 of the S Season. Neptune & Uranus are ambushed by Eudial in the Marine Chapel and Neptune is taken prisoner while trying to protect Uranus.

The fanfic begins right at the point where Neptune breaks free from the thorny-marble-vine-thing that had been chaining her to the wall. (Right after she screams "Uranus!".) Eudial had been threatening Uranus with her heart crystal gun and Neptune runs through a barrage of bullet-arrow-things to try and save her. In the end Neptune gets shot by Eudial and... well, if you don't know then go watch the S season! I said minor spoilers here.;)

As for realism ...I tried to make the fanfic choppier then I would a normal narrative by Michiru/Neptune. But could Neptune really be capable of coherent thought(even if it is delusional hallucinatory thought) while being blasted by a few hundred bullet-arrows? For the sake of the fanfic my answer will be yes. Somehow I don't think a fanfic of Neptune going "AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaHHHH!" the whole time would be that interesting. (^_~)

'Heart of Ice' was brought to you courtesy of Procrastination! Yes, that's Procrastination, Join our side today! Or tomorrow perhaps, if you don't feel like joining today. Neptune's & Usagi's dialogue are courtesy of Hitoshi Doi's website (so if it's incorrect don't blame me! ;) I've got the S season raw. ^^;)

Standard disclaimers apply. I don't own any of the characters, their copyrights belong to Naoko, Toei, Bandai, DiC, and a whole bunch of other people etc etc. Flames will be doused by Mercury and Neptune etc etc.