Disclaimer: Rogue, Wolverine, Jubilee, and all other X-men mentioned in this story are the property of Marvel comics and are used without their permission. I am borrowing them with no intent to make money or infringe on any copyright laws, and I promise to give them back more or less unharmed when I'm done playing. All song lyrics used in this story belong to Sarah Brightman and are credited accordingly when they appear.
The Last Words You Said
Rogue had finally given into Jean's not too subtle suggestion and offered to keep Logan company on the mall excursion he had promised Jubilee, who was visiting for the weekend. She had to admit that it did feel sort of nice to get out of the mansion on a frivolous social outing, something she hadn't done since her return from Antarctica. She had no idea how long it had been since she'd abandoned Remy in the snow, how many sleepless nights she'd spent haunted by the look in his eyes as she turned and flew away, how many times she had slipped away from the others at midnight and gone to search endless fields of snow only to return alone near dawn to cry herself to a few hours of sleep before awakening to go through the motions of training exercises and the emptiness of daily life. Time had become meaningless, and the days all blurred together into a mass of grief and self-recrimination. She had refused to speak of her pain to her teammates, even though she knew they could see it in her altered behavior. Still, if she admitted her feelings to them, it would be admitting her weakness and asking for forgiveness she didn't deserve. Sitting in the passenger seat of Logan's jeep, she stared out the open window and let the wind blow through her hair, trying to let it blow away all of her cares and give her at least a few hours of peace and escape.
After a morning full of fitting rooms and playing dress-up with Jubilee, Rogue found herself sitting with Logan and Jubilee at a small table in the food court, picking disinterestedly at a salad. The fourth chair at the table was occupied by Jubilee's shopping bags, along with a couple smaller purchases Logan had made. Rogue herself had bought nothing, despite the eager encouragement from both Jubilee and the sales attendants. Her heart just wasn't in it, and every outfit that looked great on her just made her wonder what Remy would think of it. It was an old subconscious habit, and she hadn't been aware of it until Jubilee had convinced her to try on a knockout black velvet dress she had found on the sale racks. Admiring the smooth fit of the material and the way it caressed her body, she found herself grinning as she pictured the expression of surprise and open admiration that would hit his face if he saw her in this. Realizing what she was doing, she fled back to her dressing room to get the dress off as quickly as she could, flinging into the corner and fighting back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. She continued playing along to humor Jubilee, but her delight at each new outfit was short-lived as she asked herself bitterly who she was trying to impress and what it mattered. As a result, she had ended the morning of clothes shopping completely empty handed.
Jubilee wolfed down the last of her waffle fries and announced her plans for the afternoon, including several shoe stores, a couple places for computer software, and a hit on the video arcade. Logan winced slightly at her list and suggested they split up for a few hours, mentioning a couple CD's he wanted to look for. Lacking the energy to keep up with Jubilee, especially after the huge volume of Mt Dew she had just seen the teenager inhale, Rogue opted to tag along with Logan to his favorite music store. It was one she was partial to as well, having a large selection and listening stations where you could put on headphones and browse through an assortment of complete CD's. She figured she could amuse herself that way while the others finished their shopping.
Settling into an unoccupied chair, she slipped on the headphones and began leafing through the choices, trying to find something that fit her mood. She played through several songs, both new releases and old favorites, but none of them really managed to touch her, and she continued searching restlessly for something to occupy her mind. An unfamiliar title caught her eye, and she contemplated an album she had never heard of, Eden by Sarah Brightman. The name rang a bell, but she couldn't place it. With a mental shrug, she called up the CD, figuring that she might as well give it a try.
The opening was light and mystical, a hint of nature sounds mixed with synthesized instrumental music and an ethereal soprano voice floating over it all. The combination was slightly otherworldly, and Rogue felt herself getting pulled away by the liquidity of the sound. It was soothing, and she felt herself relaxed as well as intrigued by it. Logan caught her eye just as the first song was ending, indicating that he was moving on to a different store. She gestured for him to go on without her, opting to enjoy the solitude and see what else this CD had to offer.
The second song had a more modern feel and a male chorus underneath the soprano voice. Unlike the first selection, the lyrics were in English, and she found herself listening to them closely. One repeated line that caught her attention was a slightly wistful admission with a touch of regret. "I never tried to feel this vibration" Never wanted to let myself feel anything, more like, she mentally amended it. Can't get hurt if you don't feel anything. The next verse started with a gentle, introspective question that stopped her train of thought like a head-on collision. "Did I ever think of you as my enemy" She had no answer she could give to that. She must have because she judged him and left him to die, yet did she truly hate him? Could she?
As she pondered this, the next few songs blurred together with periodic lines jumping out to hit her unexpectedly. "There's only one thing that's confusing Was it you? Was it me?" Hard to say, sugah. You started it, Ah ended it, but is that really how it went?
"With so many questions unanswered Was that part of your mystery?" She smiled bitterly, remembering the appeal of that enigmatic smile, the lure of the stranger wrapped in secrets and an irresistible aura of mystery and danger.
"Any one emotion, any true devotion Anytime, anywhere" The words were a soft chant, blending into soaring Italian that made no sense but moved her anyway. The emotion in the voice spoke to her heart. Words were secondary to its meaning. Closing her eyes, she let the voice carry her away and flew along with it, finding an unanticipated catharsis nearly equal to soaring through the clouds. After this, the music returned to English, a song with words that should have been sad and a tone that somehow didn't feel it.
A familiar melody with flowing Italian lyrics began, and it took her a moment to recognize a translation of "My Heart Will Go On". The clear voice and liquid words returned the passion and grandeur that had been stripped from the piece by numbing overexposure, and she found the song stirring emotions like it had the first few times she had heard it. Cold, freezing faces from Titanic drifted through her mind, and she shoved them away brutally, not wanting to go where those thoughts might take her. Despite its beauty, she was almost relieved when the song ended and she no longer had to fight the feelings it was stirring within her.
The next song was less graceful and tragic, slightly more energetic and hopeful. "Deliver me, out of my sadness" You always were the one who could make me smile and feel relaxed when Ah needed to, especially when Ah didn't want to.
"All of my life I was in hiding" Still am, she responded with a mental snort of annoyance.
The music melted back into foreign songs full of emotion and beauty. She lost herself in the combination of music and voice. One piece in French brought the beginnings of tears to her eyes, even though she barely understood a word of the language.
Just as she had gotten used to the soothing music and soft, gentle, meaningless words, lyrics began intruding on her again, along with a somewhat more forceful beat and tone. "I see a shadow every day and night" The tone of empty desperation resonated in her, and she bowed her head, letting the song flow over her. Phrases jumped out and caught her unexpectedly hard, evoking thoughts and images she didn't want to deal with. She wanted to move away but couldn't bring herself to break the emotional connection. "Was there a moment when I felt no pain? I want to feel it in my life again" She longed for her simple childhood, before she became a monster and life got so complicated and empty. "Oh I want you here with me" Her heart echoed that aching plea, followed by a flash of bitter self-recrimination, reminding her whose fault it was that she was alone.
Mercifully, the song ended, melting into a bittersweet air with no words. It calmed and eased the pain in her heart, and she let herself get lost in the flow of the music, releasing the tension and relaxing. She let go of the tattered shields she had been struggling to hold around her emotions and surrendered to the feeling of peace. Contentedly, she floated through the next song as well, enjoying the drama in the voice and the open, flowing feel of the Italian lyrics. After the swelling crescendo at the end, she felt satisfied and at peace, completely open.
A simple reed intro led into the soft gentle start of the final song. "Somewhere in time I know, darling you'll come back to me. Roses will bloom again, but spring feels like eternity." She was a bit surprised as, for the first time, a man's voice lightly joined the soprano on the next line, a soft emphasis beneath it, the gentle pain in their joined words stirring at her heart. "In your kiss it wasn't goodbye. You are still the reason why" A dramatic swell in the instrumental accompaniment led both voices into the first chorus. "I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room. My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon. I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly." Their voices were full of wistful longing and pain, and she felt herself echoing this. She let her head fall forward as the voices died off at the end of the chorus. "Love me now forever were the last words you said to me."
The soprano started the next verse alone. "And when the morning comes" The beautiful clarity of her voice was made more poignant by the fact his had abandoned it, and Rogue felt a surge of hopeful relief when the baritone joined in on the next line. "My hands still reach out to you." The pattern repeated for the next phrase, but it was less mournful now that she trusted him to return. "Some things remain the same. There is nothing I can do." The empty longing in the next line filled Rogue's heart, and she found herself closing her eyes tightly against the tears. "I can barely get through the day ever since you went away." It was true, and she knew it, feeling the pain she had tried to keep locked inside start to work its way out as the chorus repeated, desperate but beautiful. "I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room. My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon. I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly. Love me now forever were your last words to me."
Instead of dying off, the last phrase swelled into a plea of hope, and Rogue felt herself echoing its sentiments as the tears started to escape. "Heaven help us cross this endless sea with starlight above to guide you to me. Waves crashing on distant shores They're calling our names forever more."
Suddenly alone again, the soprano's clear voice wistfully began the chorus. "And I still hear you whispering in the silence of my room." Strength flowed subtly into the music as he joined her again, reaffirming the bonds of love and loss that held them together. "My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon. I can barely stand this aching burning endlessly." The tears were flowing freely now, although she hardly noticed them, their wetness a physical sensation vaguely brushing at the periphery of her awareness. "Love me now forever were the last words you said to me." The voices ended softly together, and the instruments faded away, leaving a feeling of contended faith.
Opening her eyes that had been closed against the tears trickling through her lashes, she peered down through the veil of hair that had fallen across her face. A familiar pair of worn boots met her gaze, and she wondered how long he had been standing there. Certainly long enough to see the pain and force her to share it with someone. "Ah have to find him, Logan," she whispered through the tears in her throat.
"I know you do, darlin'," he responded softly. "And you will."