No One Knows My Heart
Sequel To: The Way I Feel
By: Lady Jaya
Started: 2/10/00
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Song: No One Knows My Heart
By: Susan Austin
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I sighed as I slowly walked up the stairs, pausing on the lands for a second before heading towards my room, closing the door quietly behind him. Closing it against the darkness and the silence that seemed to hang over the whole place as of late. The others were still gone and wouldn't be back for a while. So it was only me and Touma left for a little while longer. Which was fine with me it was nice to have a little quiet time without the others around all the time. Don't get me wrong we're all friends, and really close, closer then most people are in face, but that doesn't mean we don't get tried of each other now and then. Everyone need their own space some times, though I seem to need it more then the others... I contemplate this for a while as I pull off my shirt and put it in the hamper in the corner before glancing around the dark room. Finally I spotted the cup of water that stood on top of the dresser next to the bottle of pills, dumping two into my hand I quickly took them and set the cup back down...
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
Standing at my window
Hidden by the night
Harboring the private wounds
Safe and out of sight
There's an agony in living
But there's a comfort in the truth
That no one knows my heart
Better then you
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
Slowly I turn away and walk over to the window throwing it open, letting the cool crisp air of the night slide over my warm body. It was colder then I would have thought out side and yet right then I didn't mind it felt good. I don't know why but right then I wished the others would come back, so that I wouldn't have to be here all alone with him for another day. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take. I see the way he looks at me and the fear in his eyes when I catch him watching me. But what he doesn't understand is that I know how he feels for I know I feel the same and that scares me. So I stand here hidden by the wings of the night in the window the window of my life looking back on what I am and looking out at what I could be not sure what to do to say or to take that lept to become something different. I know what I fear I keep it locked away deep inside my heart in a place I rarely dare to go and yet as of late I find myself longing to go into that dark place more and more. It's a wound of a sorts a wound of the heart and soul not of the body. Something that I want and yet I know I can never let myself have never let myself go for if I do there will be no turning back. But there is another part of me who wants to forget it all to let it go and not look back that it doesn't matter just as long as... I can not do that, no one knows and that is good, that is the way it should be. We are all close that is true but we all have our secrets that we tell no one things that we keep hidden in our heart of hearts. But the truth is I am tired of this life tired of hiding in the shadows, tired of keeping this dreadful and yet wonderful secret locked away. I want to go to you to place myself at you're mercy, to tell you everything. I want you to know my heart better then anyone else, I want you to know how I feel how I think. I want you to know everything there is about me, everything I keep hidden. I've never wanted anything so bad before in my life as I want you to know me now, always I have been alone in this words always on my own and now I don't want that any more. I want you to know I want you to understand, I want to hear you're soft words of comfort when I need them when there is no one else around. But I know that it is not possible that there is nothing in that avenue of venter and it hurts me to know that. The truth is I'm scared, I'm scared that what I see in you're eyes when you look at me isn't true that I will only end up getting hurt and so I say nothing and go on day to day alone always alone...
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
I can face a lot of people
With this sanguine act of mine
Guarded by the eloquence
I sometimes hide behind
But it's a veil of false pretenses
That you can see right through
Cause no one knows my heart
Better then you
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
Slowly I move from the window closing it quietly with a sigh moving over to the bed. I'm tired I know I am but somehow sleep doesn't come, it never does when I wish it would the most. Like tonight sleep eludes me like the sly fox eludes the hounds when they chase him, but tonight I would rather be caught then to escape. My heart aches and I stand up again too restless to lay here and think. I don't want to think it only takes me lower and lower but there is nothing to do. So I get up and head towards the door perhaps a snack will help to settle my stomach that suddenly feels like it's full of butter flies. I glance down the hall towards his door but will no let myself go there no anywhere but to that door and into that room. If I ever dare to that there will be no returning for sure that I know. I turn away and head down the stairs towards the kitchen not needing the lights to find my way in this place I know as well as the back of my head. By the time I hear the door knob turn its to late to retreat into the relative safety of my room as he steps out into the hall way above me.
"Seiji?" His voice his soft and I dare not turn to look at him though I know he's watching me with those alluring blue eyes half hidden by uneven locks of blue hair most likely leaning on the banister with a half smile on his face.
"What?" My voice sounds strange in the silence of the large nearly empty house, and he gives a low laugh.
"I thought you'd gone to bed,"he says and I can hear him moving towards me. I force myself to calm down though I know my heart is in my throat, and it is good that he can't see how flushed and hot my cheeks are in the dark.
"I'm getting a late night snack," I say putting up my facade of grace and easy, with much more difficulty then usual. Why is it that I can face a room full of people without a problem and yet when I'm near you I have to fight for every ounce of control...
"Mind if I join ya?" He falls into step with me, and I have no reason to say yes.
"No." I'm glad for once that my voice does as I wish it to glad that I have my control to hide behind even though it seems so transparent when you're standing next to me and it's harder and harder to keep in place as the time goes on... And I wonder if you can see straight through me? It would not surprise me if you could, that if you already know my heart better then I care to think. But if that is true then you would say something for you are not one to stay silent unless... I will not think of that as you move ahead of me into the kitchen and I pray that you do no turn the lights on, for the darkness helps to hide my discomfort, and inability to keep control of my emotions no matter how hard I try...
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
Part of me is reaching
Part of me holds back
But when it comes to you
I am a doorway
You're free to walk into
Cause no one knows my heart
Better then you...
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
Despight myself I let out a sigh when you do not turn the lights on but instead move across the room to open the fridge and I watch from the door, no longer do I remember why I even came down here. I watch the way you're body moves as you lean back slightly to see what's in the father reaches of the fridge. The bright light from inside high lights you're slim muscular body making you're hair look more black then the blue I know it is. Oh god how I want to slip my arms around you're body to pull you to me and never let you go. You are the most beautifull piece of work that I have ever seen, so perfect. What would it be like feel you're skin against mine, to hold you all night to... A part of me longs to reach out and my mind is reaching out trying to call you to me though I will not let the words escape my lips, I bite my tongue till I taste blood to keep the words from coming out.
"Seiji?" He speaks breaking the spell that had been cast upon my heart and soul and I pull back knowing I can not tell him no matter what.
"Hai?" My voice cracks but you seem not to hear it as he turn from me to look back into the fridge.
"What do you want?" He asks the question and it rings in my ears and upon the drum of my heart. ~you~ my mind screams, yet as always I pull back. I can not tell you, but oh god how I wish I could, how I wish I was any place but here right now.
"I don't know," I say finally managing to find my voice again just in time as you pull out a plate of left over rice. My stomach lurches and food doesn't sound so good any more, I think if I eat now it won't stay down long enough for me to take another bite.
"Rice,"he waves the plate slightly in my direction,"I'll share we can use two spoons." I'm I wrong or is there something almost hopeful in his voice, and in the way his eyes travel across my half clothed body, I dismiss it as nothing but my already messed up mind, it is not so. Sometimes I imagine myself as if I were a door way that everyone walks through but that no one ever says thank you to. For every day you walk through millions of doors and yet you never notice them. Oh god how I wish you would come and knock at the door of my heart and I would gladly let you in, I would let you know what is inside my heart, I would let you know the very essence of my being if only... You sit down at the table, I have to leave before I loose all of my control.
"Night Touma,"I hear the hesitance in my voice, I don't want to leave and yet at the same time I want to run, and never stop till I'm so far away that you will never find me.
"I thought you wanted something to eat?"I see the puzzled look in you're eyes, and something else almost a hunger that sets my blood on fire just as the very sight of you makes my palms sweaty, makes me loose my control almost all the way.
"I decided I'd better not,"I whisper and I see a surprised, worried look flash across your face, have you seen past my defenses?
"Seiji,"you start to stand,"Are you alright."
"I'm fine,"quickly I hurry towards the door, I have to get out of her. I near jump out of my skin as you're hand touches my shoulder making me shiver at the feel of you.
"Seiji, please."
"Really Touma,"I try to make my voice sound calm but I know it doesn't. I pull away from him with a jerk though it eats at the very essence of my soul as I feel his hand leave my shoulder as I hurry up the stairs.
"Call me if you need anything,"a tear spills down my cheek as I open the door, and close it quickly behind me locking it with hands that shake...
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
There's an agony in living
But there's a comfort in the truth
That no one knows my heart
Oh, no one knows my heart
Better then you...
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
~Oh god~ my mind whispers as I slowly slide down the rough surface of the door ~What am I doing?~ In truth I don't know. ~Surviving~ I suppose ~I'm merely living from day to day trying to survive.~ There is an agony in every minute I live these days, a longing to tell you and always, always having to fight that longing the longing on of my heart, mind, and soul. Why don't I just give in and tell you? I do not know the answer to that question and I'm not sure that I want to. Oh how I long for you to know me so much better then you do but I know that it's not possible... I feel like screaming in frustration, and I pound my fists against the floor leaning my head back against the door in defeat. There is nothing in this life to live for besides you and even you I can not have. I can never have anything, and though my heart cries for you to know it can not happen unless the mountains fall into the heart of the sea and the heaves come crashing to earth. Perhaps some day I will understand why I fight this feeling but right now I am no closer to that understanding then I was a day ago and as the days go by so does my need for you grow stronger and I fear that one of these days I will no longer be able to keep it inside. It will break free like some ravished monster and I fear even more what will happed that day more then I fear death it's self. I could face death and laugh out loud but when it comes to you I do now know... It seems I do know my own mind any more... Slowly I stand up, moving away from the door trying to control the way my hands are shaking but its no use, firsts clenched at my side and now my whole body is shaking uncontrollably quickly I sit down on the bed. Chills wash over me now and I blink back the strange feeling of tears on my cheeks burying my face in my pillow, but even in sleep I can not escape you or my hearts need for you...
The End
Finished: 2/12/00
Lady Jaya
Sequel To: The Way I Feel
By: Lady Jaya
Started: 2/10/00
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Song: No One Knows My Heart
By: Susan Austin
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I sighed as I slowly walked up the stairs, pausing on the lands for a second before heading towards my room, closing the door quietly behind him. Closing it against the darkness and the silence that seemed to hang over the whole place as of late. The others were still gone and wouldn't be back for a while. So it was only me and Touma left for a little while longer. Which was fine with me it was nice to have a little quiet time without the others around all the time. Don't get me wrong we're all friends, and really close, closer then most people are in face, but that doesn't mean we don't get tried of each other now and then. Everyone need their own space some times, though I seem to need it more then the others... I contemplate this for a while as I pull off my shirt and put it in the hamper in the corner before glancing around the dark room. Finally I spotted the cup of water that stood on top of the dresser next to the bottle of pills, dumping two into my hand I quickly took them and set the cup back down...
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
Standing at my window
Hidden by the night
Harboring the private wounds
Safe and out of sight
There's an agony in living
But there's a comfort in the truth
That no one knows my heart
Better then you
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
Slowly I turn away and walk over to the window throwing it open, letting the cool crisp air of the night slide over my warm body. It was colder then I would have thought out side and yet right then I didn't mind it felt good. I don't know why but right then I wished the others would come back, so that I wouldn't have to be here all alone with him for another day. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take. I see the way he looks at me and the fear in his eyes when I catch him watching me. But what he doesn't understand is that I know how he feels for I know I feel the same and that scares me. So I stand here hidden by the wings of the night in the window the window of my life looking back on what I am and looking out at what I could be not sure what to do to say or to take that lept to become something different. I know what I fear I keep it locked away deep inside my heart in a place I rarely dare to go and yet as of late I find myself longing to go into that dark place more and more. It's a wound of a sorts a wound of the heart and soul not of the body. Something that I want and yet I know I can never let myself have never let myself go for if I do there will be no turning back. But there is another part of me who wants to forget it all to let it go and not look back that it doesn't matter just as long as... I can not do that, no one knows and that is good, that is the way it should be. We are all close that is true but we all have our secrets that we tell no one things that we keep hidden in our heart of hearts. But the truth is I am tired of this life tired of hiding in the shadows, tired of keeping this dreadful and yet wonderful secret locked away. I want to go to you to place myself at you're mercy, to tell you everything. I want you to know my heart better then anyone else, I want you to know how I feel how I think. I want you to know everything there is about me, everything I keep hidden. I've never wanted anything so bad before in my life as I want you to know me now, always I have been alone in this words always on my own and now I don't want that any more. I want you to know I want you to understand, I want to hear you're soft words of comfort when I need them when there is no one else around. But I know that it is not possible that there is nothing in that avenue of venter and it hurts me to know that. The truth is I'm scared, I'm scared that what I see in you're eyes when you look at me isn't true that I will only end up getting hurt and so I say nothing and go on day to day alone always alone...
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
I can face a lot of people
With this sanguine act of mine
Guarded by the eloquence
I sometimes hide behind
But it's a veil of false pretenses
That you can see right through
Cause no one knows my heart
Better then you
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
Slowly I move from the window closing it quietly with a sigh moving over to the bed. I'm tired I know I am but somehow sleep doesn't come, it never does when I wish it would the most. Like tonight sleep eludes me like the sly fox eludes the hounds when they chase him, but tonight I would rather be caught then to escape. My heart aches and I stand up again too restless to lay here and think. I don't want to think it only takes me lower and lower but there is nothing to do. So I get up and head towards the door perhaps a snack will help to settle my stomach that suddenly feels like it's full of butter flies. I glance down the hall towards his door but will no let myself go there no anywhere but to that door and into that room. If I ever dare to that there will be no returning for sure that I know. I turn away and head down the stairs towards the kitchen not needing the lights to find my way in this place I know as well as the back of my head. By the time I hear the door knob turn its to late to retreat into the relative safety of my room as he steps out into the hall way above me.
"Seiji?" His voice his soft and I dare not turn to look at him though I know he's watching me with those alluring blue eyes half hidden by uneven locks of blue hair most likely leaning on the banister with a half smile on his face.
"What?" My voice sounds strange in the silence of the large nearly empty house, and he gives a low laugh.
"I thought you'd gone to bed,"he says and I can hear him moving towards me. I force myself to calm down though I know my heart is in my throat, and it is good that he can't see how flushed and hot my cheeks are in the dark.
"I'm getting a late night snack," I say putting up my facade of grace and easy, with much more difficulty then usual. Why is it that I can face a room full of people without a problem and yet when I'm near you I have to fight for every ounce of control...
"Mind if I join ya?" He falls into step with me, and I have no reason to say yes.
"No." I'm glad for once that my voice does as I wish it to glad that I have my control to hide behind even though it seems so transparent when you're standing next to me and it's harder and harder to keep in place as the time goes on... And I wonder if you can see straight through me? It would not surprise me if you could, that if you already know my heart better then I care to think. But if that is true then you would say something for you are not one to stay silent unless... I will not think of that as you move ahead of me into the kitchen and I pray that you do no turn the lights on, for the darkness helps to hide my discomfort, and inability to keep control of my emotions no matter how hard I try...
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
Part of me is reaching
Part of me holds back
But when it comes to you
I am a doorway
You're free to walk into
Cause no one knows my heart
Better then you...
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
Despight myself I let out a sigh when you do not turn the lights on but instead move across the room to open the fridge and I watch from the door, no longer do I remember why I even came down here. I watch the way you're body moves as you lean back slightly to see what's in the father reaches of the fridge. The bright light from inside high lights you're slim muscular body making you're hair look more black then the blue I know it is. Oh god how I want to slip my arms around you're body to pull you to me and never let you go. You are the most beautifull piece of work that I have ever seen, so perfect. What would it be like feel you're skin against mine, to hold you all night to... A part of me longs to reach out and my mind is reaching out trying to call you to me though I will not let the words escape my lips, I bite my tongue till I taste blood to keep the words from coming out.
"Seiji?" He speaks breaking the spell that had been cast upon my heart and soul and I pull back knowing I can not tell him no matter what.
"Hai?" My voice cracks but you seem not to hear it as he turn from me to look back into the fridge.
"What do you want?" He asks the question and it rings in my ears and upon the drum of my heart. ~you~ my mind screams, yet as always I pull back. I can not tell you, but oh god how I wish I could, how I wish I was any place but here right now.
"I don't know," I say finally managing to find my voice again just in time as you pull out a plate of left over rice. My stomach lurches and food doesn't sound so good any more, I think if I eat now it won't stay down long enough for me to take another bite.
"Rice,"he waves the plate slightly in my direction,"I'll share we can use two spoons." I'm I wrong or is there something almost hopeful in his voice, and in the way his eyes travel across my half clothed body, I dismiss it as nothing but my already messed up mind, it is not so. Sometimes I imagine myself as if I were a door way that everyone walks through but that no one ever says thank you to. For every day you walk through millions of doors and yet you never notice them. Oh god how I wish you would come and knock at the door of my heart and I would gladly let you in, I would let you know what is inside my heart, I would let you know the very essence of my being if only... You sit down at the table, I have to leave before I loose all of my control.
"Night Touma,"I hear the hesitance in my voice, I don't want to leave and yet at the same time I want to run, and never stop till I'm so far away that you will never find me.
"I thought you wanted something to eat?"I see the puzzled look in you're eyes, and something else almost a hunger that sets my blood on fire just as the very sight of you makes my palms sweaty, makes me loose my control almost all the way.
"I decided I'd better not,"I whisper and I see a surprised, worried look flash across your face, have you seen past my defenses?
"Seiji,"you start to stand,"Are you alright."
"I'm fine,"quickly I hurry towards the door, I have to get out of her. I near jump out of my skin as you're hand touches my shoulder making me shiver at the feel of you.
"Seiji, please."
"Really Touma,"I try to make my voice sound calm but I know it doesn't. I pull away from him with a jerk though it eats at the very essence of my soul as I feel his hand leave my shoulder as I hurry up the stairs.
"Call me if you need anything,"a tear spills down my cheek as I open the door, and close it quickly behind me locking it with hands that shake...
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
There's an agony in living
But there's a comfort in the truth
That no one knows my heart
Oh, no one knows my heart
Better then you...
* ~_~ * ~_~ *
~Oh god~ my mind whispers as I slowly slide down the rough surface of the door ~What am I doing?~ In truth I don't know. ~Surviving~ I suppose ~I'm merely living from day to day trying to survive.~ There is an agony in every minute I live these days, a longing to tell you and always, always having to fight that longing the longing on of my heart, mind, and soul. Why don't I just give in and tell you? I do not know the answer to that question and I'm not sure that I want to. Oh how I long for you to know me so much better then you do but I know that it's not possible... I feel like screaming in frustration, and I pound my fists against the floor leaning my head back against the door in defeat. There is nothing in this life to live for besides you and even you I can not have. I can never have anything, and though my heart cries for you to know it can not happen unless the mountains fall into the heart of the sea and the heaves come crashing to earth. Perhaps some day I will understand why I fight this feeling but right now I am no closer to that understanding then I was a day ago and as the days go by so does my need for you grow stronger and I fear that one of these days I will no longer be able to keep it inside. It will break free like some ravished monster and I fear even more what will happed that day more then I fear death it's self. I could face death and laugh out loud but when it comes to you I do now know... It seems I do know my own mind any more... Slowly I stand up, moving away from the door trying to control the way my hands are shaking but its no use, firsts clenched at my side and now my whole body is shaking uncontrollably quickly I sit down on the bed. Chills wash over me now and I blink back the strange feeling of tears on my cheeks burying my face in my pillow, but even in sleep I can not escape you or my hearts need for you...
The End
Finished: 2/12/00
Lady Jaya