Ball and Chain
Sequel To: NO One Knows My Heart
By: Lady Jaya
Started: 2/18/00
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Music By: Susan Austin
Titles: Ball and Chain
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I watched as he walked out of the room and I could hear my own words and they sounded and
felt hallow in comparison to what I was feeling and yet I still said them. I don't think I even
clearly heard his reply that night. For I can not recall as of right now the words he uttered as he
left him. Yet I could see from the way he walked the set of his bare shoulders, and the way his
hands seemed almost to shake as he quickly pulled clenched them tight shut. Yet I could not and
would not let myself believe what I was seeing. This was not the Seiji I know no this was not
like him at all. Did I dare hope that perhaps.... ~no~ I did not and slowly I sat back down at the
table staring forlornly at the plate of rice on the table before me... For it no longer looked
appetizing as it had only a few minutes or seconds ago. Suddenly the house seemed somehow
colder and more empty then it had since the others had left and I stood up again pushing the
plate of food away from him. Slowly I ran my hands up and down my airs wishing that it was not
only my touch trying to warm myself up but that it was his touch setting me on fire... For a
second I closed my eyes imaging that it was... But in my mind I knew it wasn't and I quickly
opened my eyes again I would no go there this time no.. Slowly I head up the stairs pausing I
glance towards his room no sound can be heard from inside. I know he is not asleep yet how I
know this I do not know all I know is that I do know... ~Seiji~ his name comes to my mind like
water comes to the earth as it always must. It falls naturally from my tongue but I will not say it
for he will hear. Quickly I turn moving to my room for I do not know what I will do if I continue
to let my thoughts follow these courses of their choosing. But it seems more oft then not I am
helpless to stop them from going on their on recourse... What will become of me, I do not know.
I pray that I will not have to wait too much longer to know for I know not how much longer I can
stand this. For sooner or later I know that I will no longer be able to keep this terrible and yet
thrilling secret in my heart. It is a secret that cries to be shouted out for all to hear it is not one to
be kept locked up inside and it has already been a prisoner in the depth of my soul for way too
long, much longer then I think that I can even fathom. Some secrets you know just as soon as
they become secrets and other secrets they seem to sort of grow on you over time so slowly you
do not know they are there till one day....one day it all gives way coming right up to hit you on
the nose and you know it's a secret... I do not know if I'm making any sense it seems more oft
then not that I make no sense to anyone except myself. Quietly I close the door behind my self
moving slowly over to the bed the covers already thrown back from where I'd gotten up earlier
unable to resist the temptation to see him again... I curse myself for my secret for my passions
and my ugly and lovely desires that I can no sooner fight then I can control. For long that is. I do
not know what I am doing in this world some times it seems I am merely a passengers along for
the ride. I can see my purpose or more likely a possible purpose somewhere in the haze of the
future but I can no sooner touch it then I can quite discern for myself what it is but I know it is
there and I pray to god as I lay there wishing that sleep would over take me so that I could dream
again of you. That my future holds you in it's heart much as I hold you there now. Though you do
not know it... yet ... and I pray that some day you will know and it will mean as much to you as it
does to me that there is a chance that just perhaps you would hold me in your heart as I hold you
...
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In the middle of the night
Wakened by the wind
Of was it something from my past
Come to call again?
It was the presence of the pain
That I could not escape
And it wrapped around my soul
Like a ball and chain
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My eyes flew up and I stared up at the stark white ceiling in surprise. The room it still dark,
though I know it is no longer the middle of the night for already the birds have started to raise
out side. Something had wakened me... But I lay there unable to figure out what... Suddenly
another gust of wind rattles the window rustling in the trees of the forest as well and something
close to a smile plays across my lips. It was not another dream of the past though that had
happened often enough. The past held pain and joy forever but for me it was not something I
wished to remember. Yet I can not help that I when I dream I visit the past over and over again,
that I must remember and relive that assistance the pain that is present there.. ~iieeee~ I whisper
to the darkness... The pain, the sorrow, and the joy of the time wraps around my soul like a chain
with a ball attached to it. A heavy thing that weights me down but I know not how to remove it
and so it stays there always to bring me down and down again... I know I will not be able to
sleep again this night. But it will not be long now till the sun shows her face for the gray light of
dawn has already peek through the thin white curtains that hang on the window. I slowly sit at up
and rubbed the back of my hand across my eyes with a shiver. It's not really cold and yet... I do
not know how to describe the feeling I feel right now it excises and yet there are no words to say
what it is... I run a hand through my ruffled light golden hair and sigh again, as it falls back into
my eyes. I wonder if you have slept any better then me. Oh well that is not for me to know I
suppose I hope that you did it would be good if at least one of us got some rest. Not that I guess
it's going to make any difference in the long run anyway... Still ... I grab the cloths I'd laid out the
night before and head towards the showers, no since in laying around doing nothing...
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All of us have a heartache
All of us have been stained
All of us have longed for freedom
But there is only one who can break
This ball and chain
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Slowly I roll over and again my scraggly blue bangs fall back down into my face only this time I don't bother to brush them back as usual. I sigh and turn again so that I can look out the window. Slowly I sit up upon seeing that already the sun has started to come up over the edge of the earth. I can see it's first few rays over the tree tops. I have no slept this night, but if I haven't slept yet what's the point I will not sleep now so what's the point...
Maybe I'll go take a shower. A nice long hot shower so hot not even Ryo could stand it something, anything to take my mind off you... Quickly I grabbed my towel and sling it around my bare shoulders heading out into and down the hall way towards the shower just as I hear the water start....
~Damn you Seiji~ You had to get into the shower before me... I smile an evil little smile perhaps I just go down stairs and use the other one see how he likes that. But something stops me and I pause there outside the door at the sound of you're voice...
"Oh godssss,"pause,"Why the heellll does there have to be suck a thing aass a heart-ach..." I suck in my breath at his words and move closer bitting my lower lip in surprise.
"They say that we all have heart aches, that we have all be touched by the stain, the bless or the curse for which it might be of loooovveee..... But Iieee La La. Why can't I forget about him?" ~him?~ the word rings in my mind so loud and so clear that I near fall over as I lean back against the wall barely able to breath as it is. What is Seiji talk about? It couldn't be.... Could it? No I can't think that, I won't... But gods what if it's true? I start to move away
"Iiiieeeeee...." You're soft whisper brings me instantly to a stop "How I have longed just for one day to be free of this cursed thing. Yet what if the only way I can be free is to tell him? Oh gods I know now what to do... There is only one who can break away the ball that hangs from the chain of my heart..." ~WHO~ I want to scream as Seiji's soft sing song voice falls silent again and only the rushing of the water is left. I begin to despair thinking that maybe you will say no more and then you say the one thing I needed to hear. The one thing that sets my blood on fire the one thing that gives me hope...
"Touma......"
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In the middle of the night
Waked by the wind
Or did I hear it call my name
Like a faithful friend?
It was the presence of the peace
That I could not escape
And it wrapped around my soul
Like a warm embrace
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Slowly I stepped out of the shower with a sigh and quickly toweled myself off before pulling my cloths on. Quickly brushing my hair back he shook it out of my eyes again and headed towards the door. Slowly I headed down the hall back towards my room. It was still dark and no other sound could be heard through out the place. I tossed my dirty cloths and wet towel into the hamper. Grabbing my dark green sweat band, from the top of the dresser I slipped it over my still wet hear and headed down the stairs. My feet had barley touched the bottom when suddenly there was sound behind me. I whirled my eyes starring to see in the semi darkness of the place. The lighting so bad that it might just as well have been the middle of the night. Then it came again and I slowly let out the breath I had not know I'd been holding. It was only the wind, I roll my eyes, probably the same wind that woke me earlier this morning. A strange wind, that seems to be trying to tell my soul something and yet has not quite the right words to say what it wants. SO in turn I can not fully understand it but I know that it is there. ~Hhmmm~ shaking off the strange feeling I head towards the door.
....Seeiiiijjjjiiiii.... I snapped around at the suddenly whisper of my name but again there is still
nothing there. A sound father up... I blinked as Touma stepped out of his room a little smile on
his face he stopped when he saw me. It was just like that my breath left my body and it was as if
just his present could banish the coldness of the wind that had whispered my name. We stood
there for how long I'll never know just watching each other. It was as if something warm and
peaceful had settled into the space between us and it was comforting not to say anything. It had
been like this between us before that had been before I'd realized what I felt for him and just
thinking it brought fire to my cheeks as I started at him. For an instant our eyes met my own
ice-blue-violet with his lovely dark-sky-blue ones, and I blinked in shock at the strength and
clarity of what I saw in their depth.. Something soo deeply mirrored in my own soul that I knew
not what to say or to do. ~oh god~ what would it be like to hold him in my arms. Or to be locked
in his own warm embrace... But quickly I turned away breaking the feeling in the air a feeling I
knew I could not keep no matter how much I wanted it... As I ran from the room and out the door
I heard him call my name. I could not stop now, nor was I sure that I ever wanted to stop again.
Could what I had seen in his eyes when I'd looked into them be true or what it all my
imagination???
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Facing all my fears
Knowing that he's near
I stand tall
Healing as his tears
Wash my lonely years
He calls to me
In the middle of the night
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I didn't know what to think, as Seiji turn. Involuntarily his name fell from my lips as if it where meant to be there...
"SEIJI!!!" But the other was already gone, and it was too late to follow him. I knew I could never keep up with Seiji much less hope to follow him in the woods. That was his domain and his realm he could easily loose me there. I slumped back against the wall and slowly ran a hand through my air. ~oh shit~ What the hell was going on. After what I had heard him say in the shower could it be true? Could Seiji really feel the same way that I feel??? Yet he had said it and Seiji rarely it my experience said things like that, that he did not mean. I closed my eyes for a minute and let my head rest on my chest breathing slowly. I would tell him when he got back, I could no longer hide this monestrous and yet lovely thing inside me any longer I had to let it come out into the light no matter what the cost. If what I had heard was true then.... then whatever happened, happened for the better or for worse I not longer cared. If for some reason I had been wrong in what I had heard and in what I had seen in his eyes when they had met mine then I would have to live with that. For I knew now as I had somehow always know that I had always and would always love him no matter what happened I would love Seiji.... A slow smile spread across my face and I pushed away from the wall moving down the stairs. It was time to get something to eat, my stomach growled as if to reinforce my words and this time I almost smiled...
"Seiji I love you" I said out loud for the first time in forever and it did not scare me as it once
had. This time those strange and yet wonderful words filled me with a sense of awe and power
that I had never known before...
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All of us have a heartache
All of us have been stained
All of us long for freedom
But there's only one who can break
This ball and chain....
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"Touma" I whispered his name as it sent tingles through my whole body as I slowly came to a stop falling to my knees on the soft still muddy and dew wet grass of the forest. My breath came in ragged gasps but I didn't notice that all I could see was his eyes... This lovely eyes as they had stared at me in a way I had never thought was possible and yet here it was. It had happened the thing that I had been fearing and yet secretly longing for at the same time. Slowly I pushed myself back to my feet and stared up it now lightening sky. The darkness had fled for another day and it was going to be lovely one that much I knew as I set off this time at a more moderate pace. There was nothing left to hide from I told myself fiercely. I knew he had seen in my eyes my secret, my terrible and thrillingly awesome secrete. There was no longer anything to hide and yet somehow I dreaded going back. I did not want to find out that what I had seen was nothing... Oh god if that happened I don't know what I do. I loved him, I loved him more then I had the words to say... For all that I loved him I had to tell him. I knew that. There would be no more hiding in the shadows watching and waiting, that time had come and gone to fast for one to note it's passing.
"Touma." I say his name again and something near a smile plants itself on my face as I continue
one... What will he say though? What will he think? Or worse... What will happen?... ~Oh god~ I
pray though I do not know if it is right to pray for such things I can not help myself... What will
the end of this day bring I do not know and I'm not sure I ever want to find out. But I do know
that I will not be able to live with my self if I do not...
The End
3/10/00
Jaya
