The Way I Feel

by Jaya Korin

A Seiji and Touma saga (yaoi) *grins* just at the beginning will either one ever admite their feelings towards the other? Or will it all be in vain and nothing ever go anywhere. Read it and find out don't think I'm about ta tell ya now. =Þ

4. Suffer In Silence

Suffer In Silence

Sequel to: Ball and Chain

By: Lady Jaya

Started: 4/8/00

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Touma sat in the front window his eyes were glaze in thought and his lips slightly parted as he stared out into the forest with unseeing eyes waiting for Seiji to come back waiting and thinking. His mind lost in thought... Thoughts of the one he waited for. Their thoughts followed much the same path though neither could have know that at the time.

~Seiji~ the name felt so right on his lips. It felt right to say it in that soft sort of voice with which one says a lovers name. It just felt right. There was no other way to put it then that.

~Seiji, Seiji, Seiji...~ Touma absently brushed his hair out of his face.

~Iie if only Seiji would say his name like that.~ he could hear it almost just barely he imagined he could hear his name slip from the others lips.

~Is...is possible? Could Seiji really love him or was it just same mad boys fantasies?~ Oh how he wished to god that he knew.

~Yet he had seen something in Seiji's eyes that morning he knew he had.~ he paused ~Or had it been his damned imagination which seemed to like to run away with him more and more as of late.~

"Damn" he muttered bitting his lower lip. "DamnDamnDamnDamn..."

~But it no longer mattered~ he gently touched the cold glass window pain.

~He would tell Seiji when he came back he came back.~

Touma nodded leaned forward to press his lips against the glass. ~He had to know had to know what his friend thought. Had to know if it had been his imagination or if by some funk of chance it had been real...~

The early morning cool was starting to wear off as Seiji headed back towards the mansion. His mind was made up and he knew what he was going to do now. He knew that he had to face Touma no matter what he couldn't live with himself if he didn't. That was the true and the acknowledge mend of that put his soul more at peace then it had been in a long time. Seiji almost smiled as he broke into a slow jog that covered the ground in more time then a fast sprit and didn't wear him out as fast.

~Touma~ the mere though of the name sent tingles through his body as he ran

~I will tell you how I feel Touma, I promise.~ He nodded to himself lost in thought. ~I promise I will no longer hide how I truly feel. It no longer matters I must know if what I've seen in your eyes is true.~ He pause for a sec catching himself before he hit the ground and continued on.

~Oh god let it been true, please....~

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Heart in a bottle

High on a shelf

Fragile but just out of reach

Cause you build a fortress

With the distance you keep

But when your heart aches

Doesn't it cut deep?

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

I sighed and slowly stood up. As much as I would love to loose my self in the life long day dream I knew now was not the time or the place for that. I had to have my head clear when Seiji came back so that I could tell him the true. I was going to tell him no matter what, I had to. I wasn't going to chicken out this time when I saw him coming across the yard as I had every time before. NO this time I would tell him. I glanced back over my shoulder again towards the woods hoping to catch a glimpse of Seiji's lean and beautiful figure coming through the tress following the path only he knows towards the mansion. But not yet he won't be back for another ten or fifteen minutes I know that. But somehow I can not make myself stop looking out the window. Can't stop turning to see something I saw only out the corner of my eye. Ghosts that do not exists...

~Damn it Touma~ he scold my self and turn away from the window heading toward the kitchen.

~Stop being such a fucking idiot.~ Maybe a cup of coffee will help me settle my nerves. I know it won't but it doesn't matter I'm going to get one anyway. The caffeine will only make me even more excited I know that from experience. But perhaps it will give something to do, something to keep my mind off the obvious.

With a little sigh I slowly open the fridge taking in it's contents in a glance with a sight.

"There's NEVER anything good to eat around this place, especially when Shin's not around." I muttered with an angry grimace. Finally selecting a rather old greasy looking piece of pepperoni pizza even thought I had no clue how long it had resided in the back of the cold box with a sight. Oh well it was something to eat that was all that mattered right now, something to keep my mind busy. Grabbing a pop at the same time I turned to the table raising a slight blue eye brown seeing my old note book sitting there.

~Awe hell why not.~ I thought with a shrug and sat down flipping through the pages of roughly scrawled nearly illegible scrip till I found and empty sheet at last near the very back of the note book. Pulling the chewed up pencil from smashed rings at the top, I sat back in my chair taking a long sip of the soda before slowly setting the pencil to work on the piece of paper...

Seiji I don't know how your going to take this but I'm.....

"No, no, NO." That was too fucked up to even consider. Scratching it out before my mind even had the chance to consider what it was doing. Bitting my lower lip as the others told me I always did when I was trying to think....

~At least I think I was. I never noticed it. *sighs* Okay where the hell was I?~ With a half nod of my head I set all four legs of my chair back down on the floor and lean over the table writing each word slowly considering the next one before I put it down.

Seiji... You have always be the best friend to me. More then a best friend could ever.

~NONONO!~ my mind screams in frustration as I cross out the second part of the sentence and thoughtfully chew on the end of my pencil before I start writing again.

Seiji... You have always be the best friend to me. More then a best friend could ever. You have done more for me then you will ever know, more then I could ever hope to convey... And that was all I could ask then recently...

~Awe hell Touma.~ I rebuke myself. ~Why can't you just come out in say it without all this dumb ass round about junk.~

Recently, I started noticing things I hadn't noticed before.

I can see your confused as hell look right now when I try and explain this crap.

~Hell if I cant' explain it to myself how am I'm supposed to explain it to YOU!~

Damn...

I write the word and then go over it a couple of times but it doesn't help the feeling that has settled in the pit of my stomach.

Hell Seiji I guess what I'm trying to say is that... Oh gods Seiji I don't know how to say this please don't hate me for this...

~A finally plea from the crazed~ something whispered in my mind and I push it away angrily.

What I'm trying to say is that.. That I love you!

~There.~ I stare with a strange fascination at the strange words on the paper. I have written them so many times before in my mind that it feels strange to actually see them there... There on the paper.

Suddenly the phone rings and I jump nearly from the chair in which I'm sitting. Slowly forcing myself to take a slow breath I set the pen down and stand up.

It rings again.

Taking on more precious second to calm myself I pick it up.

"Hello, Koji Mansion."

"Touma?"

"Ya." Gods it had to be him. "What's up Ryo?"

"Nothing, Nasuti's been pestering us ta call and makes sure you and Seiji were okay."

"What doesn't she trust us." I say trying to feign mock horror in my voice. But I don't think I did a very good job of it.

"Oh you know Nasuti." Ryo laughs lightly.

"Ya Ya ya..."

"Um so how is everything?"

"Fine." I repress the sigh that is held behinds my tightly pressed lips. "And you?"

"We're all fine." There is a pause. "Seiji still out?"

"Hai."

"Well tell him I said Hi." Ryo is silent again.

"I will." My voice drifts slowly off as I let the words die in the air.

"Give the others our love."

"Will do." Ryo stops again. "Um Touma?"

"What is it?" There is a hesitates to Ryo's voice that is strange and I do not understand it.

"Tell him while you have the chance." There was a click on the other end of the line and slowly the hand holding the phone to my ear falls away in surprise...

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Well, you don't have to suffer

Suffer in silence

You don't have to suffer

Suffer in silence

Don't you know that your heart

Can feel like an anchor

When you keep it all inside

No don't, don't suffer in silence

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

I sigh to myself as I finally break through the forest into the space that stands between the dark out stretching fingers of the forest and the mansion pausing to take a deep shaky breath glancing towards the window where Touma is usually waiting for me. I am slightly surprised that he is not there. But not really after what happened I can't blame him for not wanting to sit there waiting for me to come back.

~Ieeee... How can I tell him how I feel when...~ I cut the thought off it does no good.

~I have already made up my mind I must tell him that is all there is to it. No more and no less.~

Perhaps just perhaps there is a chance that this will not all end in disaster. But I can not see it and there is no point in trying to right now. I can not let myself get my own hopes up that is possible only to have them dashed to the floor as I know they will be.

Yet despight my better judge meant I can not help but allow a slight spark of hope from growing. It is a default of human nature I think.

Shaking my hair out of my eyes I force myself to continue on across the yard and up the steps to the porch. But there again I stop hearing a voice inside my heart leaps into my throat.

~It's Touma.~ I'd know his voice anywhere. ~But who is he talking to...~

I do not hear another voice it must be the phone my heart sinks down into the souls of my comfortable running sneakers.

~Damn.~

I just wanted to go in there and tell him. Get this over get it off my chest before my courage fails me again. It doesn't matter I don't think though my courage will fail me when I see your beautiful face and perfectly sculpted body. Even just the sound of your voice sends chills through every part of my anatomy any more.

I refrain from biting on my lip for even that reminds me of you. Besides it is not something I want to make into a habit. A picture of you sitting in your favorite blue chair in the living room chewing on your lip as you try to come up with the answers to some home work problem flashes before my eyes and I push it away silencing the cry of my heart.

Steeling myself for you my hand touches the door handle and pulls back as if I have been stung. Closing my eyes for a second I call on the deep calm of the soul that has always been there for me before and open the door.

There just as I knew it. You were standing there your back to me, a soda in one hand, you other hand holding the phone to your ear. Unbidden the life long day dream of those strong beautiful hands running over my body sends shivers through me.

But you don't know I'm hear other wise you would have turned by now less... I will not think about that I can not! Suddenly you stop and I can see the surprise in the set of your shoulders and the way that your hand slowly falls gracefully from your ear the phone still grasped so tightly that your knuckles are write.

Slowly you set the phone done and turn your eyes on the floor a shocked look on your beautiful face and I wonder who you were talking to. Having not heard a word my mind miles away.

Then you look up and our eyes meet...

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Withered with sadness

Hurting inside

But feeling afraid to impose

So your an island

But you don't have to be

Cause if your inclined

You can talk to me.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

~I knew this would happen I knew it would happen even before I set foot in this house again and yet I had to.~

Suddenly all to aware of the sweat dripping down my fore head I pause to whip it away with the tail of my loose white shirt before I look up to find you still standing there watching me with that strange thought full, contemplating, and yet at the same time almost scared look on your face.

~God I can not tell you now!~ Fear grips me tighter then the hands of death ever had. I feel as if I'm going to suffocate soon but anything would be better then trying to tell you the way I feel inside. ~Aeee I know already what you would think if I ever dared I can tell it I know it!~

But I came back to tell you because I knew I had to. Yet now even as I open my mouth to say something no sound comes...

~Damn Seiji.~ Touma stared at his friend in complete and udder shock not sure what to think.

~Why the hell did you have to be so damn... Whatever you are.~ Touma swallowed as his friend turned away from him lifting up the tail of his shirt to whip the sweat from his for head showing off the tight stomach muscles of his flat stomach.

~What would it feel like....~

~NO!~ Touma violently shoved that thought away. It had it's time and it's place in the dark lonely hours of the night when there was nothing but him his fears and the demons that inhabit that realm...

~I have to tell him.~ The clarity of it hit him all of the sudden as if it had really been a physical blow and Touma leaned back against the phone stand with it and closed his eyes fore a second before opening them again to find Seiji still watching him a strange look on his face that even his best friend could not totally read...

Suddenly Seiji moves heading into the kitchen that strange look still on his face breath taking face.

"I need a drink." He muttered as he brushed past him and just the smell of him sets me on fire. Unthinkingly I head after him my eyes flicker past him to the table suddenly realizing that my note book still lies there open to the page I'd been writing on before Ryo had called and my heart jumps into my thought.

~Oh lord~ I pray my heart beating so fast I swear Seiji can hear it as he opens the fridge and pulls out the carton of milk turning away he sets it on the counter. Unlike Ryo who has no qualms about drinking straight from the container like the rest of us. I watch in fascination at your grace even as you poor your self a cup of milk and slowly turn back to me...

~Okay.~ Seiji thought watching Touma out the corner of his eye. ~I can do this I can tell him!~

Pause

~Who the HELL am I kidding I can't TELL HIM!~ Slowly his eyes flicker away from Touma and to the table. Laying there next to a pushed back chair and a week old piece of pizza is Touma's note book laying open and the dark blue words leap out to grab him.

~Just tell him!~ screamed a voice in Touma's head all his brain storming this day and before this day for many long hours suddenly seem stupid and foolish and none of it is right as I see him now.

~I don't know what to say.~ His breath catches in his throat as he notices where his friends gaze is directed and now there is no option left and his heart sinks as he blurts out the words he has dreaded and yet longed to say for so long...

"Seiji.... I know this is going to sound stupid... But.... But..." Seiji slowly turns to Touma a stunned look on his face and it's over. " I love you!"

~There to hell this it.~ Touma stars at the ground blush creeping into his cheeks. ~I've said it and that's all there is to it.~

~He's even cuter when he's blushing.~ the thought comes into Seiji's mind as he stares at his best friend in shock not sure what to think or what to do. Blown away by the sudden unsuspected words...

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

But you don't have to suffer

Suffer in silence

You don't have to suffer

Suffer in silence

Oh, I know that the pain

Can seem like an ocean

But I'm just a word away

No don't, don't suffer in silence

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

I watch him out of the corner of my eye and the surprise on his face sends my heart down past my feet and into the floor of the house.

~Oh well.~ the thought races through me. ~Might as well keep going now it can't going to make any difference...~

"Look Seiji, I'm sorry I told you. I...I don't know where that came from. I shouldn't have said anything. It must be some weird phenomenon like ultra violet rays or dark mater... I feel like such an idiot..."

~You're rambling~ hissed the voice in my head, but I don't care any more as the words just come tumbling out with me helpless to stop their endless flow.

"Really Seiji I don't know where that came from. I'm sorry. I know you must think I'm a totally and complete idiot now and all. But...." Suddenly I look up to find you staring at me still with a half amused look on your face.

~He's laughing at me...~ I can feel the heat of my cheeks, and no more words come from my mouth as I stand there.

~I knew I shouldn't have told him I knew....~ I can feel the tears of my heart but I will not let them fall not here not now with him. I have already said more then I should made more a fool of myself...

~I feel like a stone that has been dropped into the sea and the sea has already clutched it's dark hand around my heart.~

~But there is nothing I can do...~

"Touma." For once my voice works again, and I don't know what to say.

~What is there to say?~ I stare at you as your words fall like an ceaseless stream but I can't hear them or more likely I do.

~I never realized how beautiful you look when you are trying to explain something and don't know how... Maybe it's because I've never seen you like this. But I like it...~

Finally I swallow the stream of feelings that are welling up in the depths of my soul as you fall silent.

"Touma." I say your name again unable to help myself your name sounds so right when I say it just as I love to hear mine on yours. Slowly a smile spread across my face and it feels strange to smile since I don't do it often I guess. Perhaps I should do it more.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

I'll be your shelter

I'll be your retreat

I'll be your shield against the wind

So, if you need a shoulder

For the tears that you keep

Let it come down

Let it rain on me.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Suddenly as we stand there thunder roars out side and both of us jump. The sound or rain on the roof is heavy and soothing as if it is trying to calm both of us down. The thing is I feel strangely calm. This was the last thing I could have expected to happen. The one thing I would not let my heart except and yet here it is right before me and I do not know what to say besides his name...

"Touma I..." But again my voice fails me and I don't know what to say as you look away from me.

~Why the hell did I have to go and do a stupid thing like that.~ The voice whispers in Touma's head as he stares at the floor Seiji's unfinished words hanging there as if an echo just above the sound of the rain on the roof above us and the wind that rattles the glass in the windows around us it hangs there.

~Gods why can't I listen to myself for once always have to be a damn idiot always jumping into things without thinking them through without looking.~

"I love you Touma." Seiji's low voice breaks through his revere and Touma looks up in shocked surprise.

The look on Touma's face is priceless as I say the cherished words again this time louder and he stares at me this time as if I am the one who has lost my mind. But I do not care I have done what I said I was going to do. I told him what I have hidden in my heart for too long. Now I know to an extent how he must have felt when he first said those strange and lovely words to me only a few minutes ago. For as I stand there I find my words gushing forth like the rain that now falls from the clouds.

"I don't understand it... One day everything was perfect friends forever and then the next day it was like I saw you in a whole new light. There you were...." I shake my head in complete wonderment unable to go on...

As I look up our eyes meet again and for a minute neither of us says anything seeing something that we have always longed to see and yet never believed that we would in each others eyes and it is awfully beautiful to see it there for the first time.

Then suddenly we are both laughing though neither of us knows why. Laughter raises and fills the kitchen shutting out for a time the lovely sound of the rain only broken now and then by the rolling roar of the thunder.

Till at last the laughter dies away and we are standing there looking at each other again and for a second we both hesitate. Before I know what is happening and I think before Touma knows it we are locked in each others arms. Content to just enjoy the feel of another human being close. The feel of the one we have always longed to hold now finally in our arms.

It is a exhilarating feeling that sends me soaring high above the storm clouds out side and into the sun that is still shining down on them. Even farther I raise as if never to fall straight into the bliss of heaven just by the feel of Touma in my arms and the feel of his heavenly arms around me.

And as we stand there tears of joyful gladness slowly make their coursing tracks down my cheeks but I no longer care. Just having him near is all that matters to me. Somehow I know it will all work out right in the end and now for the first time in years I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is a wonderful and scary feeling all at the same time...

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Cause you don't have to suffer

Suffer in silence

You should never have to suffer

Suffer in silence

Oh, I will hear when you're calling

Like a voice above the storm

No don't, don't suffer in silence.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Finally they broke apart and stood there a food a part for a second staring into each others eyes. The shock of the revelations slowly wearing off through they would never totally leave.

Out side the storm continued to pound the forest and the mansion nestled near it's edge. But neither of the two that stood there in the door between the kitchen and the mansion noticed it's ferocity or the chill that had crept through the house with it. Both heated by each others body heat, as the flush slowly faded from their cheeks...

And as the thunder crashed and banged over head, and the rain poured down whipping and lashing the house in sheets blown by the wind flew past. They leaned closer to each other and sealed their words with a single tender kiss that would remain with them for as long as they lived...

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

The End

By: Lady Jaya

Finished: 4/21/00