Chapter 5
Guilt and Forgiveness
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"Hermione?"
"Yes?" I answer, in a considerably light mood.
"Something's changed," Ginny says to me.
I look up from my book and raise an eyebrow at her.
"One, you're reading tastes has changed," she explains, pointing at my book about interpreting dreams.
"Point being?" I ask, not quite understanding what the problem is.
"Two, your happier. What happened? Did you finally find the man in your fantasies?" she asked with a smile.
I frown at her questions. "Nothing, so I've changed."
"Isn't that strange?"
"What is strange?"
"Never mind," she says exasperated, sinking into defeat.
I sigh. It's still a little early. I check my watch every so often, waiting. Amazing that my life can change so quickly in such a few days, I think gratefully. I discovered that the person I'm in love with loves me. The feeling is light and sensational. I smile lazily as I recall his face.
It's time.
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The cold air chills me only slightly. I have gotten used to the frigid coldness that has surrounded me for my life. Only a short while ago was I allowed a bit of warmth. I smile at the thought, something I rarely do.
I hold a single and perfect red rose. A delicate beauty that can cause pain. In this case, it is the thorns. Nothing is perfect in life. There is always a hidden secret, which may lead to your downfall. I've been warned that love is one of the delicate beauties. I've been warned that when you're in love, your decisions aren't the best of the situation.
I have never experienced love before. They say you should never show your feelings and emotions. They say that they may betray you. I've been wearing this calm, collected, cold mask for a long time, never allowing myself to be free.
I see her walking down the path briskly. She greets me with a hug and a kiss. I present her the gift. She accepts it gracefully.
"I don't like meeting in secret," she says suddenly. Her tone is slightly hurt.
"Neither do I, but we don't have much of a choice," I say, putting an arm around her small figure.
"I know, but sometimes I wish things were different."
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I hear her screaming at the darkness. I run faster. She stands near the railing. She wears an elegant white gown with small jewels embedded on it. I see the distress on her face. I try to yell at her to stop, but its too late. She falls. I rush near the railing, but it's too late. I'm too late.
I wake up in cold sweat. Normally, I would have tossed the dream aside, but this one has been repeating for days. It always ends the same. I'm always too late.
I have a sudden urge to see to her well, but I stop. Dreams have nothing to do with reality. They can neither predict the future nor bring us the past. Though disturbing, I clear my mind and close my eyes.
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It's stopped, but only for a short while. Now, it has begun again. The dreams that have haunted me before haunt me now, this time with intensity increasing at each turn.
I don't dare to go to sleep anymore. I don't dare tell Draco about them, afraid that he'll laugh at me. I close my eyes, but keep my mind active. Suddenly, I open them quickly. Now, every time I close my eyes, I see the dream unraveling it's strings. I can't live like this, I think glumly. Maybe, if I stop seeing him, it'll all go away.
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I bite my lip, nervously. I've rehearsed this scene many times in my head, but every time, he reacts differently. Damn him for being so unpredictable.
"What did you want to tell me?" he asks me. There is a look of concern in his eyes, making me feel slightly guilty.
"I can't see you anymore." I look at him anxiously, waiting for his reply.
He avoids my gaze and says nothing. The silence settles uncomfortably in the room. I feel the unwanted tension between us. Fear falls deep into me. I begin to worry about my own safety.
"Why?" he asks softly, looking away.
"I just can't," I stutter slightly, surprised by his question. Every time, I've played this in my mind, he has never said that.
He closes his eyes. "Go."
Staring at him, I wonder what he meant.
"Go!" He says louder. His tone is distressed and aggravated. There is a look of pain on his face.
I'm left with nothing to do. I leave.
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What were you thinking? Why did you even allow yourself to believe she loved you back? They were right. You should never show your emotions.
I frown bitterly at the thoughts. Closing my eyes, sigh deeply. The good things never last long.
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I can't go to sleep, not because of the dreams, but because of the guilt. The horrible guilty feeling lingers in me, drowning me, suffocating me, preventing me from being myself. I reply the scene in my mind, repeatedly. Every time, I realize how much more I've hurt him. Every time, I realize how much he loves me… to let me go.
A few tears rise into my eyes. It's your fault. You let the person who loves you more than anything else in the world go because of a repetition of a dream. The stupidity hits me hard belittling me to a small piece of nothing. You've ruined everything, didn't you?
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You've let her go. You've let go out of your life. It's because of you, she's gone. I've never allowed my self to feel self-pity because everything was out of my control. Now, I'm wallowing in it. It's my fault that she's gone.
I can't sleep. I'm not afraid of dreams, but the loneliness engulfs me in its claws of bitterness. You're stupid and pathetic, you know that? You've just ruined your chance to be with the one you love the most.
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The moon follows me with my every step. A thin layer of snow rests gently on the cobbled streets like a scene from a fairy tale. The frigid air surrounds me. The stars shine through the crisp darkness of the night -- but the loneliness shatters the silence.
I walk aimlessly down the street. I can't sleep. I feel a few tears drip from my eyes. I don't deserve to wipe them away. You are so blind and naive. You couldn't see how much he loves you. You couldn't sense that he was never loved before. You didn't know that you were the light in his life
I wish I could bring back time. I wish that none of this ever happened. Most of all, I wish I was still with him.
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The moon haunts me with each step, following me like a silent stalker. I can't escape it. Trapped, trapped in a world of misery and guilt. It used to just be misery until she cam along. Now it's guilt.
I walk down this street, alone. I shiver slightly as cold, cruel thoughts enter my mind. Don't I deserve a little joy in my life? I never chose this life. I never had the choice. You've had a little joy in your life, but you wasted it.
I sigh bitterly. I was about to curse, but a familiar figure walks down the street towards me.
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I stop walking. What is he doing here? My breathing quickens at the unexpected meeting. A sea of emotions overwhelm me with such intensity that I fall down onto the earth, sobbing. I can barely hear a rush of footsteps, but I know he is beside me.
He kneels down, brushing the hair away from my face. He tilts my face to look at him. I feel ashamed to show him my tears. I look at him, pained with my misery and his.
He doesn't seem to be in a much better state than I currently am. His hair is ruffled. His eyes are a dull lonely gray.
"I'm sorry," I blurt out to him. My conscience is slightly free.
"What do you mean?" he asks me uncertainly.
"I've been having dreams. I thought they would go away if I stopped seeing you," I explained. A few more tears rolls down my face.
I wait for his response like I always do. He says nothing, but embraces me as an act of forgiveness and relief. I remember how it feels to be protected, safe, and yet lost in his arms.
"I'm sorry too," he whispers, still holding me.
"What do you mean?" I ask, wondering what he has done.
"I let you go. I shouldn't have." His explanation is short, but ever so meaningful. He looks at me like a forgotten child.
I smile weakly. I put my arms around his neck and kiss him, thankful.
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