Wedding Matters

By Aine

Note: Yes, this is the same fic that was here a while ago, but I've changed the title and made some changes.

Warning: Spoilers, Yaoi. AU-y. Takes a lot of liberties with the plot.

----

Taikoubou sat on the smooth bit of granite, and held up his fishing rod, perfectly straight. He hadn't caught anything all day, just sitting there thinking. Thinking deep thoughts. Truly evil thoughts. Why? Because he knew he was being watched.

-----

Fuugen Shinjin smiled as he floated crosslegged in the air. Nothing else really mattered to him, not even gravity, when he was watching Bou-chan. Bou-chan, who currently looked so kawaii fishing in the exact same spot where he had given him the fish hook, so long ago. Idly, he wondered if the doushi still had that hook. After all, he thought wistfully, he had spent an entire week on it, just for Bou-chan. He continued to watch the doushi for a moment, then decided to see if any of the fruit of the peach tree whose shade he rested in were sweet. Bou-chan /loved/ peaches.

He drifted to the floor, and began climbing up the tree. As he touched it, he could have sworn that the tree gave a little yelp, but as nothing happened after that, he continued climbing. The tree was a marvellous specimen, with long, bronzed limbs, soft, yet almost muscular, and soft leaves, tinged just this shade of blue, so silky that they were a pleasure to brush against. He hoisted himself up on a limb, and reached for the nearest fruit, which was the only one on the tree, actually. He sighed, hoping to find more. As he put his hand on the peach, he almost swore that he could hear the tree yelp again, but nothing else happened, so he pulled. The peach wouldn't come off, as ripe as it looked. He tugged again, harder this time.

This time, the tree gave a /very/ definite yelp, and Fuugen found himself seated in someone's lap, with his hand on a /very/ inappropriate part of the anatomy. And there was only one person capable of doing that,and.. he didn't want to think about that. He blushed, and snatched his hand off, scrambling out of the way. Unfortunately, the person whose lap he had been sitting on also scrambled to get out of the way, and they collided, the impact sending them face to face with each other. Fuugen stared into the startled violet eyes of the Tenzai Doushi, Youzen. For a moment, both of them froze.

Very Unfortunately, it was a bad moment to choose to hold their positions. Or it might have been a good one, but at the moment, all that were on their minds was embarrassment as Tsuutenkokyu and Genshi Tenson charged onto the scene. Youzen and Fuugen scrambled apart immediately, their faces blushing redder than they would have thought possible.

----

Back at the Shin Kai.

"I'm sorry, Dad."

Silence.

"I'm really sorry! I didn't mean for that to happen, it just.. happened."

More silence. Then, "Son, did that.. that Sennin lie on top of you? He didn't try to lie on top of you or put anything into you, did he?"

A red face. Even more silence. Finally, "Daaaad!" Tsuutenkokyu studied his son's face, intently. "Well, did he?"

"No!" Youzen answered quickly. Then he blushed. "I mean, we.."

Tsuutenkokyu sighed and cut him off. "You're grounded, son."

"What? But I'm already a hundred years old! Why?"

He looked straight at his son. "To protect your virtue."

"Daaaddy!"
----

They sat on opposite sides of the table, but the tension hung in the air as heavily as it would have had Genshi Tenson been using his Paopei. Both sides glared angrily at each other, neither quite willing to believe the other. Tsuustenkokyu fired the first blow. Not quite banging a fist on the table, he bellowed at teh other man, "Do you know what your precious disciple has done? He's .. he's outraged the modesty of my only child! The joy of my heart! The apple of my eye! This.. this perverted pedophile here has just harmed my beautiful son!"

The other man leapt to his feet and scowled at his opponent. "Never! My Fuugen is the very picture of chivalry! The saintliest saint you could ever hope to lay eyes on! He would never do anything like what you're claiming to my son."

"Would too."

"Would not."

"Would too!"

"Most definitely not!"

At this point, Gyokutei Shinjin, sitting quietly opposite the object of the discussion, intervened. Raising a hand for silence, he leaned forward and quietly asked, "Fuugen Shitei, did you do anything that could be constituited as a violation of my disciple's modesty?"

Fuugen's expression was only one thing.. unreadable. He answered calmly. "Yes."

"You see? I told you so, you, you addlepated old goon! Your disciple here most definitely commited the most heinous of crimes!"

"He wouldn't!"

"And whyever not?"

"Well, cause he's straight, you stinking old baboon!"

"He's not, kuso jiji! He's as gay as I've ever seen!"

"Me? Old? Why, my Fuugen's as straight as.. as my first disciple, Taikoubou!"

Somewhere in the bushes outside the room, a muffled sneeze is heard. (Oh yeah, right..)

"Oh yeah? I've seen him eying my Youzen too!"

"Imagined it."

"Did not!"

"Did too."

"Most definitely did not!"

As they argued, Gyokutei Shinjin quietly asked the eerily calm shinjin, "Fuugen shitei, you groped Youzen. Did you hurt him?"

"No."

Gyokutei studied Fuugen's face, seriously. "So why would you do something like that?"

"I.."

He was interrupted by the combatants, as the argument rose to earsplitting point. "My Fuugen is the straightest, most testosterone driven person you'll ever see! He is beefcake! Studmuffin! Rambo!" He pointed at the sennin. "See those muscles?"

"Oh yeah?"

This time, Gyokutei Shinjin calmly pulled out the hammer of yaoi (tm arigato Meia-chan) and hit them both on the head, causing them to fall back into their seats dizzily. He smiled scarily at Fuugen Shinjin, seated calmly. "Fuugen Shitei, are you attracted to Youzen-kun? Speak truthfully."

"Yes."

"See! I told you so-"

"Are you gay, then?"

"Bi, actually-"

He was greeted by a shocked tableful of people. "What?!" Genshi Tenson croaked. "Please tell me that's not true.."

"Actually, it isn't." Fuugen smiled.

His master relaxed. He turned and smiled smugly at Tsuustenkokyu. "See, Tsuu, old friend? I always know everything about my disciples-"

"I'm only attracted to men."

The room was suddenly filled with the chirping of crickets in the bushes outside, as Genshi Tenson choked, and Tsuustenkokyu was forced to reach over and pound him on the back. "Old friend, you should have known better."

"So what?" Genshi Tenson, recovering, was miffed.

Ignoring the two, Gyokutei stared deeply into Fuugen's face, as if searching for something. "In that case, I think you should do something about it."

"I will."

"That's good. So what are you-"

"I'll marry him."

"What?!" The entire table was silent again. Outside, the sounds of choking were audible.

Fuugen smiled. "That is, of course, if he'll have me."

Genshi Tenson fainted.

----

"I.. hic.. never ever.. hic"

"So how fast can it be done?"

Nentou doujin shook his head, disbelievingly. "I don't quite understand why you want the ceremony held in such short notice, Tsuustenkokyu-sama," He said, politely. "It's not like there's any particular hurry, is there?"

"And how can you be so sure?"

"hic.. unprotected.. hic.. can lead to.."

"Well, they're obviously both /male/, after all."

"/So/?"

"Youzen and Fuugen.. hic.. sitting in a tree..hic"

"Err, obviously in which case there wouldn't be any complications or anything of the sort which would require such an urgent ceremony."

"Complications?"

"K-I-S-S-I.. hic.. N-G!"

"Like, ahem, you know the umm, natural product of reproduction?"

"First comes love.. hic"

"You mean babies."

"Then comes..hic marriage.."

"If you have to put it that way, yes."

Tsuustenkokyu paused. "Actually-" Nentou sat up absolutely straight. He wasn't sure how many more shocks he could endure. "There could be, you know."

"Then comes Bou-bou in a baby carriage!" Genshi Tenson finished singing the schoolyard ditty, and flung his arms around the youkai, with a wide grin. "Youkai reproduction, you know."

Nentou fell off his seat. He recovered quickly, hoping that his sister hadn't seen that. How many shocks could one take in a single day? A large bead of sweat appeared at his temples. He replied weakly, "So how quickly do you want it held?"

Tsuustenkokyu smiled.

----

The house shook with the force of twenty stampeding elephants as the door banged. Youzen looked up from his book, alarmed. That meant that his father was back. Not only that, it meant that he was either extremely happy or angry. Given the circumstances, Youzen bet that it was the latter. But he knew that he wouldn't want to be anywhere in the vicinity when his father was in either mood. So he quietly rolled up his book and put it in his sleeve, as Koutenken vanished there, and with Sansendou in hand he started to head for the window at the other end of the room.

Too late. The formerly locked door to his room burst off its hinges as Tsuustenkokyu burst into the room, a wide grin on his face. Youzen paled. He'd never seen his father this happy before. "Anou.. father?" He asked, a bead of sweat on his pale skin. "Is something wrong?" Behind the ruins of the door, he could hear female voices. Very familiar female voices. His heart began to beat faster.

Tsuustenkokyu beamed even wider. "Youzen my boy," He said, obscenely happy, " I'm going to be a Grandfather!"

Youzen fainted.

----

He woke up to the scent of perfume. Very feminine, sugary perfume. Which he, at one point in his life, had actually worn. Only one other person wore perfume like that..

Youzen opened his eyes wide and leapt up, scrambling away from the face that hovered only inches away from his on the bed. "Dakki!" He hissed. "What do you want?"

The kitsune pouted. "What, you don't like me anymore, Zen-chan?" She purred, her voice low and husky.

"When did I ever like you, monster?"

"I might be a monster, but I'm a good-looking one." She moved closer to him. "Wouldn't you agree?"

Youzen looked frantically around him. They were alone in the bedroom, and the door looked like it was locked again. The window was covered with bars. No way out. "What do you want?" He repeated, his voice harsh from fear and anger.

"Well, your dad did order me to have my evil way with you.." She sidled closer, putting an arm around his waist and chuckling as he tensed.

"My father would never do that!" Youzen said indignantly. He swatted at Dakki's fingers, which were getting adventurous. "Get your hands off me, onna!"

Dakki smiled. "Unfortunately he did, peacock boy. I'm here to prepare you for your wedding."

He fainted again, this time right into Dakki's arms.


author's notes: Kehehe.. should I just give in to temptation and call this fic "Torture You-kun" instead? I'm being very evil to poor You-kun, amn't I? But strangely enough, for all the torture that he has to endure here, he's my favorite character in HE. The wedding type here is not the traditional Japanese wedding, or American wedding. It's basically a more modern type of Chinese Wedding, as I'm most familiar with that. And HE /is/ set in China, theoratically.. so.

.. for anyone who's wondering, yes, it does end happily for You-kun. At least, it seems that way to me. =)