Who Wants to kill a Millionaire?
b~Studio floor, camera rolling~/b
"...and tonight we have ten new contestants from all over the universe!" Regis Philbin said. "This should be an interesting show. Now for the first fastest finger question: Put these Star Wars movies in chronological order starting from episode 1. Go!"
The annoying music played and Regis said, "Ok...let's see the correct answers. A. The Phantom Menace, B. A New Hope, C. The Empire Strikes Back, and D. Return of the Jedi. And our winner is...Obi-Wan!"
"Whoo-hoo!" Obi-Wan cheered and went up to the mile-high chairs.
"Hello!" said Regis. "So, you're Obi-Wan Kenobi, age 24 from Coruscant. What do you do there?"
"I'm a Jedi Padawan," Obi-Wan said proudly.
"Must be interesting."
"It can be."
"All right, you have three lifelines-call a friend, poll the audience, and 50/50. You're fifteen questions away from getting to win a million dollars or kill a millionaire, your choice. Ready?"
"Of course."
"All right, let's play who wants to be a millionaire! For $100-What color is Obi-Wan's lightsaber in "The Phantom Menace?" A.Light blue; B.Deep blue; C.Dark blue; or D.I don't know?"
Obi-Wan fingered his lightsaber. "Hmmm...I'd say, deep blue. I pick B as my final answer."
"I'm sorry, the correct answer is D.I don't know."
"How can I not know the color of my own lightsaber?" yelled Obi-Wan.
Regis sat back. "It's an opinion question. Some people might say it's deep blue, others might say light blue, and colorblinds would say it was non-existent. So the correct answer is D."
Obi-wan stormed off without another word.
Regis shrugged. "Oh, well. For our next fastest finger question: Put these angels from Touched by an Angel in alphabetical order. Start...now."
Annoying music, then: "Ok, the correct answer is A. Andrew; B. Monica; C. Rafael; D. Tess. Our winner is...Monica!"
Monica came onstage. "Hello," she said in an Irish accent.
"Hello. So let's see...your name is Monica, no last name, no age, no hometown. What's your occupation?"
"I'm an angel, sent by God to spread his word to the world."
"Ah, that's a...different...job. Well, you have 3 lifelines...let's play! First question: When do the new TBAA episodes air? A. Monday' B.Tuesday; C. Sunday; or D.I don't know?"
Monica paused. "The correct answer, I believe, would be C.Sunday."
"I'm sorry, but the answer is D.I don't know."
"But..."stammered Monica. "We do air on Sunday, I'm sure of it."
Regis shook his head. "But you're a character on that show. You're not even supposed to know you're on T.V. So the correct answer is, 'I don't know.'"
Monica muttered something about being an angel has its drawbacks and left the stage.
Regis chuckled. "Well, we still have 8 more contestants. Our next fastest-finger question is: Put these Pokemon in order from tallest to shortest. Begin!"
Blah, blah, annoying music, then Regis said: "All right, here are the correct answers: A.Blastoise; B.Wartortle; C.Squirtle; D.Caterpie. Our winner now is...Pikachu!"
"Yay, Pikachu!" Two boys and a girl yelled from the audience.
"Pika pika!" Pikachu leapt onto the chair.
"Hi!" said Regis. "So you're Pikachu, from Pallet Town...what do you do there?"
"Pika, pika pika pi pikachu pika pika." I travel with Ash and help him catch Pokemon.
"Right." Regis, of course, had absolutely no clue what Pikachu had just said. "Well, you have 3 lifelines and you know the rules. Let's play! First question for $100-What does Raichu evolve from? A.Rattata; B.Pikachu; C.Pidgy; or D.I don't know?"
Pikachu pointed at the screen. "Pi, pikachu!"
Umm...I have no clue what Pikachu just said so I'll give it to Pikachu, Regis thought. Aloud he said, "You're right, it is B. Pikachu! Now, for $200," began Regis, "which of these Beanie Babies is the same species as Squirtle? A. Speedy; B.Peanut; C.Rover; or D.Patty?"
Pikachu had no idea what a Beanie Baby was. It scratched it head. "Pika piiiii?" Can I use a lifeline?
"Yes, it is A.Speedy!" exclaimed Regis. "Now for $300, What is a Dorito? A. A sandwich; B.An action figure; C. A CD; or D. A tortilla chip?"
"Pi pika chiii?" What's a tortilla chip?
"Right again!" Regis was impressed.
b~Backstage, off camera~/b
Obi-Wan was getting mad. "How can that thing win when al it says is "Pikachu?"
"It is quite annoying," agreed Monica. "Is there a way we can get rid of it?"
"Umm...let me think." A slow smile grew on Obi-Wan's face. "I think I have an idea."
b~Studio floor, camera rolling~/b
Meanwhile, Pikachu was on the $16,000 question. Regis asked, "For $16,000-Who taught Alexander the Great when he was a child? A.Aristotle; B.Zeus; C.Mia Hamm; or D. Homer Simpson?"
Pikachu was befuddled. "Chu pi pika pika pi?" How do you expect me to know that?
Regis studied Pikachu. "You want to use a lifeline? Ok! Who do you want to call?"
"Pika pika!" I don't want to call anyone!
"Bulbasaur? All right, our good friends at AT&T will get in touch with Bulbasaur."
"Pika..." It's no use...
Ring, ring. "Squirtle squirtle?"
"Hello, is Bulbasaur there?"
"Squirt!" Background shuffling, then, "Bulba?"
"Hi, Bulbasaur, this is Regis Philbin form Who Wants to be a Millionaire! I'm here with Pikachu, who's at $16,000 and needs your help."
"Bulba bulba!"
"In a second Pikachu will read you a question and four possible answers, all right? The next voice you here will be Pikachu. Pikachu, you have 30 seconds, starting...now."
"Chu pika pika!" Hey, Bulbasaur!
"Saur bulba!" Hey!
"Pi pika pi chu, pika pika chu." I wish humans understood us, this Regis guys is annoying.
"Bulba. Bul-bulba bulbasaur?" Yeah, So-what's the question?
"Pika pika chu pi pika chaaa?" Who taught Alexander the Great as a child?
"Saur! Bulba bulba." Easy! Aristotle did!
"Pika?" Sure?
"Basaur." Of course.
"Chu, pikachu." Ok, thanks.
"Saur." No prob.
The timer hit 0 and the line disconnected. Pikachu looked at Regis. "Pika pika chu."
"IS that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Pi."
"It is Aristotle! You've won $16,000!"
The audience cheered and Pikachu went for $32,000.
b~Backstage, off camera~/b
Monica patted her hair. "Do you think this will work?"
Obi-Wan tried to put a contact in his eye and ended up jabbing it instead. He cursed profoundly and started rinsing his now-red eye.
"You shouldn't curse," Monica advised, adding some hair spray to her hair. "God doesn't like it."
"We don't even have God where I come from," Obi-Wan snapped. "And yes, this will work. Go get your contacts in. Dang! Pikachu's up to $125,000 now! How does it do that?"
"Luck, I suppose." Monica opened a closet door and weeded through. "Do you think this skirt will fit?"
"It should." Obi-Wan turned off the water and rubbed his eye.
b~Studio floor, camera rolling~/b
Pikachu was now up to $500,000. The audience cheered wildly, then fell silent as Regis asked the $1 million question.
"What do humans say when they sneeze? A.Achoo; B.Ow; C.Yay!; or D.Hasta la vista, baby!"
Other than the nerve-wracking music, there was complete silence. Pikachu tried to remember hearing Ash sneeze.
"You do have two lifelines left," Regis reminded Pikachu.
"Pi, pika." Yeah, I know.
There was a long silence, Pikachu heaved a sigh. "Kachuuuu." I'll poll the audience.
"YES!" yelled Regis. "You're right, it is Achoo! You've won one million dollars!!"
"Pika?" Pikachu looked around. "Pi?" I won?
"Hooray!" cheered the audience as confetti spilled from the roof.
"Pikachu!" The two boys and girl from the audience rushed down to Pikachu. The younger boy picked it up. "Pikachu, you won!"
"Pikaaaa!" Pikachu cried happily.
The other boy got a glazed look on his face. "I wonder if any girls will like me now that I'm on T.V!"
"Dream on," muttered the girl.
Suddenly the lights dimmed. The audience fell silent and confetti stopped drifting from above. A spotlight came on, trained on two familiar-looking figures...
"To protect the world from Pikachu contamination."
"To get this stupid show off every station."
"To take the million that's rightfully ours."
"To extend our reach to the above stars."
"Monica."
"Obi-Wan."
"Team...team...what was our name again, Obi-Wan?"
"Wha...? Oh, forget it." Obi-Wan sighed, then looked up at Regis. "Hey, Pikachu winning isn't fair! We should have won!"
"You know, those Team Rocket outfit just doesn't go with your features," the boy holding Pikachu said, pointing to the white Team Rocket uniforms Obi-Wan and Monica were wearing.
Obi-Wan looked down at his Padawan braid. "What? What's wrong with it?"
"Actually, these boots fit me quite well." Monica's eyes sparkled. "How much will you sell them for?"
The girl burst out laughing. Obi-Wan and Monica stared. "What's so funny?"
She giggled some more. "It's just that I've never heard Team Rocket members with such strange accents before."
"I'm Scottish; what's wrong with that?" demanded Obi-Wan.
"And I'm Irish," added Monica.
Qui-Gon Jinn stood up from the back of the audience. "Go, Irish!"
Obi-Wan jerked back to the matter at hand. "So, give us the million bucks!"
"No," said Regis plainly.
Obi-Wan's hands flew to his waist for his lightsaber. When he didn't feel it, however, he looked down to remember he'd left it in the dressing room. He cursed.
"You can't curse on my show," protested Regis. "It's rated G!"
"Screw the ratings," hissed Obi-Wan. "Just give us the money!"
"Get off my show!" demanded Regis.
Monica stepped up. "Not until we get our money."
"You're not getting anything but off my show!"
"We deserve a million and we're getting it!"
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Beep beep de boop," A blue-and-white droid beeped from the audiance.
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Beep!"
"The camera isn't still on, is it?"
"Who cares about the camera, I want my million!"
"You're not getting any!"
"Yes we are!"
"Pika pika chuuuuuuuuu!!!"
Pikachu, who had enough of hearing Ash and Misty argue anyways, lost its patience and shocked the group. Obi-Wan, Monica, and Regis fell to the ground.
"Ow," whimpered Obi-Wan.
"Pika pika pi, pi pika pika chu."
"You don't want a million dollars?" the first boy (it's Ash, all right?) asked in disbelief. "You'd rather kill the millionaires?"
"Pika!" Yes!
With that, Pikachu sent a high-voltage thunderbolt to Regis, Obi-Wan, and Monica. They jerked and then lay still, dead.
"Pikachu!" Pikachu smiled. The audience cheered. The government awarded Pikachu $1 million anyways, for getting rid of Regis. Everyone was happy.
bTHE END/b
b~Studio floor, camera rolling~/b
"...and tonight we have ten new contestants from all over the universe!" Regis Philbin said. "This should be an interesting show. Now for the first fastest finger question: Put these Star Wars movies in chronological order starting from episode 1. Go!"
The annoying music played and Regis said, "Ok...let's see the correct answers. A. The Phantom Menace, B. A New Hope, C. The Empire Strikes Back, and D. Return of the Jedi. And our winner is...Obi-Wan!"
"Whoo-hoo!" Obi-Wan cheered and went up to the mile-high chairs.
"Hello!" said Regis. "So, you're Obi-Wan Kenobi, age 24 from Coruscant. What do you do there?"
"I'm a Jedi Padawan," Obi-Wan said proudly.
"Must be interesting."
"It can be."
"All right, you have three lifelines-call a friend, poll the audience, and 50/50. You're fifteen questions away from getting to win a million dollars or kill a millionaire, your choice. Ready?"
"Of course."
"All right, let's play who wants to be a millionaire! For $100-What color is Obi-Wan's lightsaber in "The Phantom Menace?" A.Light blue; B.Deep blue; C.Dark blue; or D.I don't know?"
Obi-Wan fingered his lightsaber. "Hmmm...I'd say, deep blue. I pick B as my final answer."
"I'm sorry, the correct answer is D.I don't know."
"How can I not know the color of my own lightsaber?" yelled Obi-Wan.
Regis sat back. "It's an opinion question. Some people might say it's deep blue, others might say light blue, and colorblinds would say it was non-existent. So the correct answer is D."
Obi-wan stormed off without another word.
Regis shrugged. "Oh, well. For our next fastest finger question: Put these angels from Touched by an Angel in alphabetical order. Start...now."
Annoying music, then: "Ok, the correct answer is A. Andrew; B. Monica; C. Rafael; D. Tess. Our winner is...Monica!"
Monica came onstage. "Hello," she said in an Irish accent.
"Hello. So let's see...your name is Monica, no last name, no age, no hometown. What's your occupation?"
"I'm an angel, sent by God to spread his word to the world."
"Ah, that's a...different...job. Well, you have 3 lifelines...let's play! First question: When do the new TBAA episodes air? A. Monday' B.Tuesday; C. Sunday; or D.I don't know?"
Monica paused. "The correct answer, I believe, would be C.Sunday."
"I'm sorry, but the answer is D.I don't know."
"But..."stammered Monica. "We do air on Sunday, I'm sure of it."
Regis shook his head. "But you're a character on that show. You're not even supposed to know you're on T.V. So the correct answer is, 'I don't know.'"
Monica muttered something about being an angel has its drawbacks and left the stage.
Regis chuckled. "Well, we still have 8 more contestants. Our next fastest-finger question is: Put these Pokemon in order from tallest to shortest. Begin!"
Blah, blah, annoying music, then Regis said: "All right, here are the correct answers: A.Blastoise; B.Wartortle; C.Squirtle; D.Caterpie. Our winner now is...Pikachu!"
"Yay, Pikachu!" Two boys and a girl yelled from the audience.
"Pika pika!" Pikachu leapt onto the chair.
"Hi!" said Regis. "So you're Pikachu, from Pallet Town...what do you do there?"
"Pika, pika pika pi pikachu pika pika." I travel with Ash and help him catch Pokemon.
"Right." Regis, of course, had absolutely no clue what Pikachu had just said. "Well, you have 3 lifelines and you know the rules. Let's play! First question for $100-What does Raichu evolve from? A.Rattata; B.Pikachu; C.Pidgy; or D.I don't know?"
Pikachu pointed at the screen. "Pi, pikachu!"
Umm...I have no clue what Pikachu just said so I'll give it to Pikachu, Regis thought. Aloud he said, "You're right, it is B. Pikachu! Now, for $200," began Regis, "which of these Beanie Babies is the same species as Squirtle? A. Speedy; B.Peanut; C.Rover; or D.Patty?"
Pikachu had no idea what a Beanie Baby was. It scratched it head. "Pika piiiii?" Can I use a lifeline?
"Yes, it is A.Speedy!" exclaimed Regis. "Now for $300, What is a Dorito? A. A sandwich; B.An action figure; C. A CD; or D. A tortilla chip?"
"Pi pika chiii?" What's a tortilla chip?
"Right again!" Regis was impressed.
b~Backstage, off camera~/b
Obi-Wan was getting mad. "How can that thing win when al it says is "Pikachu?"
"It is quite annoying," agreed Monica. "Is there a way we can get rid of it?"
"Umm...let me think." A slow smile grew on Obi-Wan's face. "I think I have an idea."
b~Studio floor, camera rolling~/b
Meanwhile, Pikachu was on the $16,000 question. Regis asked, "For $16,000-Who taught Alexander the Great when he was a child? A.Aristotle; B.Zeus; C.Mia Hamm; or D. Homer Simpson?"
Pikachu was befuddled. "Chu pi pika pika pi?" How do you expect me to know that?
Regis studied Pikachu. "You want to use a lifeline? Ok! Who do you want to call?"
"Pika pika!" I don't want to call anyone!
"Bulbasaur? All right, our good friends at AT&T will get in touch with Bulbasaur."
"Pika..." It's no use...
Ring, ring. "Squirtle squirtle?"
"Hello, is Bulbasaur there?"
"Squirt!" Background shuffling, then, "Bulba?"
"Hi, Bulbasaur, this is Regis Philbin form Who Wants to be a Millionaire! I'm here with Pikachu, who's at $16,000 and needs your help."
"Bulba bulba!"
"In a second Pikachu will read you a question and four possible answers, all right? The next voice you here will be Pikachu. Pikachu, you have 30 seconds, starting...now."
"Chu pika pika!" Hey, Bulbasaur!
"Saur bulba!" Hey!
"Pi pika pi chu, pika pika chu." I wish humans understood us, this Regis guys is annoying.
"Bulba. Bul-bulba bulbasaur?" Yeah, So-what's the question?
"Pika pika chu pi pika chaaa?" Who taught Alexander the Great as a child?
"Saur! Bulba bulba." Easy! Aristotle did!
"Pika?" Sure?
"Basaur." Of course.
"Chu, pikachu." Ok, thanks.
"Saur." No prob.
The timer hit 0 and the line disconnected. Pikachu looked at Regis. "Pika pika chu."
"IS that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Pi."
"It is Aristotle! You've won $16,000!"
The audience cheered and Pikachu went for $32,000.
b~Backstage, off camera~/b
Monica patted her hair. "Do you think this will work?"
Obi-Wan tried to put a contact in his eye and ended up jabbing it instead. He cursed profoundly and started rinsing his now-red eye.
"You shouldn't curse," Monica advised, adding some hair spray to her hair. "God doesn't like it."
"We don't even have God where I come from," Obi-Wan snapped. "And yes, this will work. Go get your contacts in. Dang! Pikachu's up to $125,000 now! How does it do that?"
"Luck, I suppose." Monica opened a closet door and weeded through. "Do you think this skirt will fit?"
"It should." Obi-Wan turned off the water and rubbed his eye.
b~Studio floor, camera rolling~/b
Pikachu was now up to $500,000. The audience cheered wildly, then fell silent as Regis asked the $1 million question.
"What do humans say when they sneeze? A.Achoo; B.Ow; C.Yay!; or D.Hasta la vista, baby!"
Other than the nerve-wracking music, there was complete silence. Pikachu tried to remember hearing Ash sneeze.
"You do have two lifelines left," Regis reminded Pikachu.
"Pi, pika." Yeah, I know.
There was a long silence, Pikachu heaved a sigh. "Kachuuuu." I'll poll the audience.
"YES!" yelled Regis. "You're right, it is Achoo! You've won one million dollars!!"
"Pika?" Pikachu looked around. "Pi?" I won?
"Hooray!" cheered the audience as confetti spilled from the roof.
"Pikachu!" The two boys and girl from the audience rushed down to Pikachu. The younger boy picked it up. "Pikachu, you won!"
"Pikaaaa!" Pikachu cried happily.
The other boy got a glazed look on his face. "I wonder if any girls will like me now that I'm on T.V!"
"Dream on," muttered the girl.
Suddenly the lights dimmed. The audience fell silent and confetti stopped drifting from above. A spotlight came on, trained on two familiar-looking figures...
"To protect the world from Pikachu contamination."
"To get this stupid show off every station."
"To take the million that's rightfully ours."
"To extend our reach to the above stars."
"Monica."
"Obi-Wan."
"Team...team...what was our name again, Obi-Wan?"
"Wha...? Oh, forget it." Obi-Wan sighed, then looked up at Regis. "Hey, Pikachu winning isn't fair! We should have won!"
"You know, those Team Rocket outfit just doesn't go with your features," the boy holding Pikachu said, pointing to the white Team Rocket uniforms Obi-Wan and Monica were wearing.
Obi-Wan looked down at his Padawan braid. "What? What's wrong with it?"
"Actually, these boots fit me quite well." Monica's eyes sparkled. "How much will you sell them for?"
The girl burst out laughing. Obi-Wan and Monica stared. "What's so funny?"
She giggled some more. "It's just that I've never heard Team Rocket members with such strange accents before."
"I'm Scottish; what's wrong with that?" demanded Obi-Wan.
"And I'm Irish," added Monica.
Qui-Gon Jinn stood up from the back of the audience. "Go, Irish!"
Obi-Wan jerked back to the matter at hand. "So, give us the million bucks!"
"No," said Regis plainly.
Obi-Wan's hands flew to his waist for his lightsaber. When he didn't feel it, however, he looked down to remember he'd left it in the dressing room. He cursed.
"You can't curse on my show," protested Regis. "It's rated G!"
"Screw the ratings," hissed Obi-Wan. "Just give us the money!"
"Get off my show!" demanded Regis.
Monica stepped up. "Not until we get our money."
"You're not getting anything but off my show!"
"We deserve a million and we're getting it!"
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Beep beep de boop," A blue-and-white droid beeped from the audiance.
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Beep!"
"The camera isn't still on, is it?"
"Who cares about the camera, I want my million!"
"You're not getting any!"
"Yes we are!"
"Pika pika chuuuuuuuuu!!!"
Pikachu, who had enough of hearing Ash and Misty argue anyways, lost its patience and shocked the group. Obi-Wan, Monica, and Regis fell to the ground.
"Ow," whimpered Obi-Wan.
"Pika pika pi, pi pika pika chu."
"You don't want a million dollars?" the first boy (it's Ash, all right?) asked in disbelief. "You'd rather kill the millionaires?"
"Pika!" Yes!
With that, Pikachu sent a high-voltage thunderbolt to Regis, Obi-Wan, and Monica. They jerked and then lay still, dead.
"Pikachu!" Pikachu smiled. The audience cheered. The government awarded Pikachu $1 million anyways, for getting rid of Regis. Everyone was happy.
bTHE END/b