Better than Dreaming (1/1)
Author: Evil Willow
Rating: PG-13
Keywords: Spike-angst.
Spoilers: All of BtVS including Fool for Love, and Into the Woods
Category: Songfic/Angst
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Joss Whedon, the WB
and FOX. The lyrics are from Watching You by Melissa Etheridge. No
copyright infringement intended, on either thing. I'm not getting
anything out of this, other than personal enjoyment. If you sue me,
all you'll get is two cats.
Summary: Spike is contemplating what he's been reduced to.
Author's Notes: I'm on a songfic kick, in case you haven't noticed. I
know, I have a ton of other fics I should be posting, but I'm easily
distracted by the muses.
Author's Notes2: Fic is Spike's Point of View.
// //= Lyrics. * * = Emphasis.
Dedications: To Dru, she's getting so prolific I had to attempt to
keep up. ;-) Also to anyone who's ever sent me feedback, because it
keeps me writing!
**********
I duck behind a tree when she walks up to her house looking
pretty ... Upset? Sad? Whatever, I'm not too good at telling what
she feels. Ever. Dunno if she'd really feel like staking me now for
showing her The Boytoy's extra-curricular activities, but I don't
much care to find out either.
Aw shit. I just *had* to look in the living room window, why'd I do
that? I could've done without seeing that she's doing it again.
Crying. Because all the sudden I feel these revolting urges to go in
to her, comfort her, write her poetry, and all that rot. I'm
pathetic. I make *myself* sick. I used to be William the effin'
Bloody, part of the terrifying Scourge of Europe! But now ... now I'm
just William again, the boy who could never get the girl. I've been
reduced to a puppy dog by a Slayer. Like Sire like Childe, I suppose.
The great irony of it all is that she wanted to bring me down, but
not like this, I'd wager.
//That's a good question
Why am I standing out here alone
I guess I don't know enough to come in from the rain
I was watching your window
From here below
I think I just might stay here all day
Cause I gotta do something//
I'm a shell of the vamp I used to be, and it's all her fault. She had
to be all annoying and irritating and nice-smelling and pretty and
sexy and ... and ....bloody hell I'd risk the torments of hell for
just one kiss. Did I mention I'm pathetic? I wish I had the nerve to
dust myself. I wish Red and Chubs hadn't walked in on me when I
attempted it months ago. I'd never be in this mess, that's for bloody
sure.
It's raining now. That's fine. I don't mind, really. Just keep
pouring the humiliation down, whoever's up there. Cuz now I'm a
pathetic, lovelorn, *wet* puppyvamp. I sigh, and pull my duster
around myself tighter. I finally locate my box of smokes and light
one. It's gonna be another long night, but hopefully it can't get any
worse.
I look up at the window to her room and --
"SPIKE!"
"BLOODY 'ELL!" I yell, as I jump and turn around to face the person
who just scared me into dropping my cigarette in the mud. Oh that's
just *wonderful*; this night just keeps getting better! All it needs
is my crazed soulless sire, my crazed Dru and the demon Acathla;
except I think *I'll* jump into the portal to hell this time
around. "Buffy..."
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" she screams. "COME BACK TO RUB IT IN?!
HUH?!!!!" She shoves me, hard, against the tree trunk, and I let her.
S'pose I deserve it if she wants to beat me up.
"No," I say with a shrug. "I didn't... I'm ... You had to know, Bu--
Slayer."
"Go to hell," she whispers with more venom than I knew she had in
her. Damn that hurt, though, like that almost-stake to the heart
earlier never could. She turns and walks back into her house, missing
my whispered reply.
"Gladly."
//If I can't love you
I don't want to love you
If I can't hold you
I don't want to be thinking of you
And if you don't want me
I don't want to want you
And if you won't see me
I don't know what to do
But oh keep watching you
Until I see right through
Oh I keep watching you//
I love her. I sure as hell don't *want* to love her, but I didn't get
a say in the matter. I want to hold her, and make love to her. Yes,
that's right. I *don't* want sex, that wouldn't be enough for me
anymore. But I can't even *try* to hold her, because she doesn't want
me within five miles. Since that's the case, I try not to think about
her, I try to occupy my time with killing things. Things translates
to demons, since my surgery. Funny thing about killing demons,
though, is it doesn't do anything for me. Go figure.
So I find myself watching her, more nights than I care to admit.
Watching her helps to ease the ache. I can follow her around and
watch her without any fear of discovery most of the time. But that's
not because I'm so sneaky; it's only because I just don't register on
her demon-radar anymore. Take just now, a year ago she'd have known I
was here the minute she'd gotten within fifty feet of me. That's
because she *used* to think of me as a dangerous enemy; and if I was
good at what I did, maybe she even hated me.
Now, if she thinks of me at all, I'm a bothersome nuisance. More
likely, though, she *doesn't* think of me now. I'm beneath her, not
worth the time it would take her *to* think about me. I know all of
this, I'm not stupid. It hurts like hell to put myself through the
torment, but I don't know what else to bloody *do*. I keep hoping
that some night soon, I'll see right through her, discover something
about her that makes me *not* want her so much. I can hope, can't I?
I said I wasn't stupid, but that's not quite true. I *am* stupid when
it comes to love. Always have been. I always love the ones who don't
love me back.
I loved my sire, once upon a time, 'til I figured out why I was so
useful to him. I was just an occasional distraction, a some-time
killing partner, and most of all, a toy to attempt to break. Drusilla
was too easy on that last one, so he moved on to me. He never
succeeded in breaking me, though. Not that he knew about, anyway.
Then there was Dru. I loved her with all of my unbeating heart. But I
was nothing more than a substitute for Angelus, her precious Daddy.
She wanted love, didn't get it from him, so she settled for mine. She
still preferred his torture to my love, though, when he was willing
to bestow it on her.
So why didn't I see this coming??? Why didn't I realize I was doomed
from the moment I saw her in that highschool of hers??? She fits the
m.o. perfectly! I *should* have stayed away from Sunnyhell when I
left with Dru last time. I'd at least have *her* semi-affection now,
and that's a lot better than Buffy's indifference.
//You could throw me down a cigarette
I smoked my last one quite a while ago
No, I gave it to the man that swore he had no need
You know sometimes if I listen real close
I can hear the dark side of the moon
And there's always yesterday's Times if I care to read
And I gotta do something//
I reach into my pockets, digging for my pack of smokes. I was wrong
when I thought the night
couldn't get any worse. Because it just has: I'm out of smokes. The
object of my desire caused me to drop the last one in the mud! I
groan as I remember that I'm out of money, so I'm outta luck on
getting more anytime soon.
I look around as I hear talking. There's nobody around, must've been
my imagination. I look up and see the moon, peering out from behind a
cloud. I could swear it's smiling at me. Maybe I'm going insane, that
would be a nice change, I guess. I do know I've been out here too
long, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. Tomorrow I'll
bring the paper to read.
//If I can't love you
I don't want to love you
If I can't hold you
I don't want to be thinking of you
And if you don't want me
I don't want to want you
And if you won't see me
I don't know what to do
But oh keep watching you
Until I see right through
Oh I keep watching you//
She steps back out her door, and I'm hit by that feeling again. I'm
all warm and fuzzy inside. She's absolutely the most beautiful
creature I've ever seen. She's got her hair pulled back, and has her
black leather pants and a black tank-top on. Looks like she's ready
to play. Too damn bad I can't oblige her in a good fight. It'd do us
both some good. We could simultaneously work out her pent-up anger at
the world and my pent-up feelings for her.
//Sure I'm alright
No I'm not very cold
Every now and then I can feel the subway heat
So go on inside
I'll leave you alone
Anyway Bogart's on in the window down the street
And I gotta do something//
She sees me and cocks her head to the side, in that cute way she has
when she's contemplating something. She walks up, and looks me up and
down appraisingly. "You're wet," she says. "Cold?" Well, I never said
her *brilliance* was one of the reasons that I loved her....
"I'm fine," I say with a shrug, trying not to notice how her top hugs
all the right places and I'm not even going to mention how her her
pants.... "I'll get off your lawn now," I mumble as I turn to go. I
*really* have a lot of energy to work off now, I think I'll go back
to the crypt and put Harmony to good use.
"Wait."
So what do I do? I stop in my tracks and turn around again, of
course. Whipped puppyvamp, at your service.
"Do you...." she sighs and looks at the ground. Well, this is
interesting. She looks uncomfortable and nervous. Why?
"Do I what, Sla... Buffy?" I reply, careful to keep my voice
neutral. Apparently I do still have a sense of self-preservation.
I don't wanna cause a random staking or anything else of that
nature.
"I don't suppose you want to patrol... with me... do you?" she
finally asks, after spending a lot of time examining her shoes. She
looks up at me, and I literally melt at the uncertain,
wary ...frightened?... look in her eyes. Like she'd fall apart if I
said a nasty word. Bloody hell, I have to stifle a growl, cuz I just
figured it out! Commando-Boy did this to her! If he isn't far away
from Sunnydale already, I'm gonna have to call in a few favors and
get him killed!
I bite back all of the multitude of Spike-like sarcastic responses
she's probably expecting, and nod reassuringly instead. "Sure. Got
nothin' else to do," I say. I swear she bloody *beams* at me, before
regaining her composure and saying, "Come on then," a demand more
than a request, accompanied by a scowl. But it doesn't matter, I'm
still feeling the effects of the earlier look: it made me all nice
and toasty inside. Rain? What rain?
I fall into step beside her, and we head downtown in silence to fight
off some demons. So this, in a nutshell, is what I've been reduced
to: I'd rather fight my own kind, for the chance to be near her; than
stand on the sidelines watching and daydreaming about her. Because
her bored indifference is far better than dreaming of what will never
be.
//If I can't love you
I don't want to love you
If I can't hold you
I don't want to be thinking of you
And if you don't want me
I don't want to want you
And if you won't see me
I don't know what to do
But oh keep watching you
Until I see right through
Oh I keep watching you//
***************
End
Author: Evil Willow
Rating: PG-13
Keywords: Spike-angst.
Spoilers: All of BtVS including Fool for Love, and Into the Woods
Category: Songfic/Angst
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Joss Whedon, the WB
and FOX. The lyrics are from Watching You by Melissa Etheridge. No
copyright infringement intended, on either thing. I'm not getting
anything out of this, other than personal enjoyment. If you sue me,
all you'll get is two cats.
Summary: Spike is contemplating what he's been reduced to.
Author's Notes: I'm on a songfic kick, in case you haven't noticed. I
know, I have a ton of other fics I should be posting, but I'm easily
distracted by the muses.
Author's Notes2: Fic is Spike's Point of View.
// //= Lyrics. * * = Emphasis.
Dedications: To Dru, she's getting so prolific I had to attempt to
keep up. ;-) Also to anyone who's ever sent me feedback, because it
keeps me writing!
**********
I duck behind a tree when she walks up to her house looking
pretty ... Upset? Sad? Whatever, I'm not too good at telling what
she feels. Ever. Dunno if she'd really feel like staking me now for
showing her The Boytoy's extra-curricular activities, but I don't
much care to find out either.
Aw shit. I just *had* to look in the living room window, why'd I do
that? I could've done without seeing that she's doing it again.
Crying. Because all the sudden I feel these revolting urges to go in
to her, comfort her, write her poetry, and all that rot. I'm
pathetic. I make *myself* sick. I used to be William the effin'
Bloody, part of the terrifying Scourge of Europe! But now ... now I'm
just William again, the boy who could never get the girl. I've been
reduced to a puppy dog by a Slayer. Like Sire like Childe, I suppose.
The great irony of it all is that she wanted to bring me down, but
not like this, I'd wager.
//That's a good question
Why am I standing out here alone
I guess I don't know enough to come in from the rain
I was watching your window
From here below
I think I just might stay here all day
Cause I gotta do something//
I'm a shell of the vamp I used to be, and it's all her fault. She had
to be all annoying and irritating and nice-smelling and pretty and
sexy and ... and ....bloody hell I'd risk the torments of hell for
just one kiss. Did I mention I'm pathetic? I wish I had the nerve to
dust myself. I wish Red and Chubs hadn't walked in on me when I
attempted it months ago. I'd never be in this mess, that's for bloody
sure.
It's raining now. That's fine. I don't mind, really. Just keep
pouring the humiliation down, whoever's up there. Cuz now I'm a
pathetic, lovelorn, *wet* puppyvamp. I sigh, and pull my duster
around myself tighter. I finally locate my box of smokes and light
one. It's gonna be another long night, but hopefully it can't get any
worse.
I look up at the window to her room and --
"SPIKE!"
"BLOODY 'ELL!" I yell, as I jump and turn around to face the person
who just scared me into dropping my cigarette in the mud. Oh that's
just *wonderful*; this night just keeps getting better! All it needs
is my crazed soulless sire, my crazed Dru and the demon Acathla;
except I think *I'll* jump into the portal to hell this time
around. "Buffy..."
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" she screams. "COME BACK TO RUB IT IN?!
HUH?!!!!" She shoves me, hard, against the tree trunk, and I let her.
S'pose I deserve it if she wants to beat me up.
"No," I say with a shrug. "I didn't... I'm ... You had to know, Bu--
Slayer."
"Go to hell," she whispers with more venom than I knew she had in
her. Damn that hurt, though, like that almost-stake to the heart
earlier never could. She turns and walks back into her house, missing
my whispered reply.
"Gladly."
//If I can't love you
I don't want to love you
If I can't hold you
I don't want to be thinking of you
And if you don't want me
I don't want to want you
And if you won't see me
I don't know what to do
But oh keep watching you
Until I see right through
Oh I keep watching you//
I love her. I sure as hell don't *want* to love her, but I didn't get
a say in the matter. I want to hold her, and make love to her. Yes,
that's right. I *don't* want sex, that wouldn't be enough for me
anymore. But I can't even *try* to hold her, because she doesn't want
me within five miles. Since that's the case, I try not to think about
her, I try to occupy my time with killing things. Things translates
to demons, since my surgery. Funny thing about killing demons,
though, is it doesn't do anything for me. Go figure.
So I find myself watching her, more nights than I care to admit.
Watching her helps to ease the ache. I can follow her around and
watch her without any fear of discovery most of the time. But that's
not because I'm so sneaky; it's only because I just don't register on
her demon-radar anymore. Take just now, a year ago she'd have known I
was here the minute she'd gotten within fifty feet of me. That's
because she *used* to think of me as a dangerous enemy; and if I was
good at what I did, maybe she even hated me.
Now, if she thinks of me at all, I'm a bothersome nuisance. More
likely, though, she *doesn't* think of me now. I'm beneath her, not
worth the time it would take her *to* think about me. I know all of
this, I'm not stupid. It hurts like hell to put myself through the
torment, but I don't know what else to bloody *do*. I keep hoping
that some night soon, I'll see right through her, discover something
about her that makes me *not* want her so much. I can hope, can't I?
I said I wasn't stupid, but that's not quite true. I *am* stupid when
it comes to love. Always have been. I always love the ones who don't
love me back.
I loved my sire, once upon a time, 'til I figured out why I was so
useful to him. I was just an occasional distraction, a some-time
killing partner, and most of all, a toy to attempt to break. Drusilla
was too easy on that last one, so he moved on to me. He never
succeeded in breaking me, though. Not that he knew about, anyway.
Then there was Dru. I loved her with all of my unbeating heart. But I
was nothing more than a substitute for Angelus, her precious Daddy.
She wanted love, didn't get it from him, so she settled for mine. She
still preferred his torture to my love, though, when he was willing
to bestow it on her.
So why didn't I see this coming??? Why didn't I realize I was doomed
from the moment I saw her in that highschool of hers??? She fits the
m.o. perfectly! I *should* have stayed away from Sunnyhell when I
left with Dru last time. I'd at least have *her* semi-affection now,
and that's a lot better than Buffy's indifference.
//You could throw me down a cigarette
I smoked my last one quite a while ago
No, I gave it to the man that swore he had no need
You know sometimes if I listen real close
I can hear the dark side of the moon
And there's always yesterday's Times if I care to read
And I gotta do something//
I reach into my pockets, digging for my pack of smokes. I was wrong
when I thought the night
couldn't get any worse. Because it just has: I'm out of smokes. The
object of my desire caused me to drop the last one in the mud! I
groan as I remember that I'm out of money, so I'm outta luck on
getting more anytime soon.
I look around as I hear talking. There's nobody around, must've been
my imagination. I look up and see the moon, peering out from behind a
cloud. I could swear it's smiling at me. Maybe I'm going insane, that
would be a nice change, I guess. I do know I've been out here too
long, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. Tomorrow I'll
bring the paper to read.
//If I can't love you
I don't want to love you
If I can't hold you
I don't want to be thinking of you
And if you don't want me
I don't want to want you
And if you won't see me
I don't know what to do
But oh keep watching you
Until I see right through
Oh I keep watching you//
She steps back out her door, and I'm hit by that feeling again. I'm
all warm and fuzzy inside. She's absolutely the most beautiful
creature I've ever seen. She's got her hair pulled back, and has her
black leather pants and a black tank-top on. Looks like she's ready
to play. Too damn bad I can't oblige her in a good fight. It'd do us
both some good. We could simultaneously work out her pent-up anger at
the world and my pent-up feelings for her.
//Sure I'm alright
No I'm not very cold
Every now and then I can feel the subway heat
So go on inside
I'll leave you alone
Anyway Bogart's on in the window down the street
And I gotta do something//
She sees me and cocks her head to the side, in that cute way she has
when she's contemplating something. She walks up, and looks me up and
down appraisingly. "You're wet," she says. "Cold?" Well, I never said
her *brilliance* was one of the reasons that I loved her....
"I'm fine," I say with a shrug, trying not to notice how her top hugs
all the right places and I'm not even going to mention how her her
pants.... "I'll get off your lawn now," I mumble as I turn to go. I
*really* have a lot of energy to work off now, I think I'll go back
to the crypt and put Harmony to good use.
"Wait."
So what do I do? I stop in my tracks and turn around again, of
course. Whipped puppyvamp, at your service.
"Do you...." she sighs and looks at the ground. Well, this is
interesting. She looks uncomfortable and nervous. Why?
"Do I what, Sla... Buffy?" I reply, careful to keep my voice
neutral. Apparently I do still have a sense of self-preservation.
I don't wanna cause a random staking or anything else of that
nature.
"I don't suppose you want to patrol... with me... do you?" she
finally asks, after spending a lot of time examining her shoes. She
looks up at me, and I literally melt at the uncertain,
wary ...frightened?... look in her eyes. Like she'd fall apart if I
said a nasty word. Bloody hell, I have to stifle a growl, cuz I just
figured it out! Commando-Boy did this to her! If he isn't far away
from Sunnydale already, I'm gonna have to call in a few favors and
get him killed!
I bite back all of the multitude of Spike-like sarcastic responses
she's probably expecting, and nod reassuringly instead. "Sure. Got
nothin' else to do," I say. I swear she bloody *beams* at me, before
regaining her composure and saying, "Come on then," a demand more
than a request, accompanied by a scowl. But it doesn't matter, I'm
still feeling the effects of the earlier look: it made me all nice
and toasty inside. Rain? What rain?
I fall into step beside her, and we head downtown in silence to fight
off some demons. So this, in a nutshell, is what I've been reduced
to: I'd rather fight my own kind, for the chance to be near her; than
stand on the sidelines watching and daydreaming about her. Because
her bored indifference is far better than dreaming of what will never
be.
//If I can't love you
I don't want to love you
If I can't hold you
I don't want to be thinking of you
And if you don't want me
I don't want to want you
And if you won't see me
I don't know what to do
But oh keep watching you
Until I see right through
Oh I keep watching you//
***************
End