THE STORY OF SHOCKWAVE (PART 2)
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THE STORY SO FAR: A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, Bill Gates, the renegade Q, has broken loose from his exile on planet Earth and caused chaos in the universe, helped by a rift in the space-time continuum caused by a malfunction in the Heart of Gold's Improbability Drive. He has kidnapped Data to the planet Alderaan where he is trying to take over the universe. Our hero, Q, races across the galaxy with the Enterprise-E and the Heart of Gold to Alderaan where Obi-Wan and Deanna Troi, both five years old, have been sent to (it's a long story).....
[SURFACE OF ALDERAAN]
Obi-Wan and Deanna stared at each other in shock. In less than a minute, they had gone from being confused adults, to confused five-year-olds, to very confused five-year-olds abandoned on the surface of an alien planet.
Obi-Wan picked himself up and stared around. There was lush greenery galore, with birds flittering here and there. He was beginning to think that this was a really nice place until he turned around and saw what was behind him.
A very large Microsoft building sticking out of the ground like an eyesore (in other words, a very large microsoft building, *grin*).
Obi-Wan reeled in shock.
Deanna was staring with open disgust at the huge picture of Bill Gates (the indulgent, egoistic person that he was) plastered on the face of the building. "Him again," she muttered.
"It's a Microsoft building!" exclaimed Obi-Wan. "Someone must have built it here."
Deanna rolled her eyes. 'Your ability to state the blindingly obvious continues to stun me." She looked around and concluded, "Q must have brought us to Alderaan instantaneously."
Obi-Wan nodded in agreement. "Then there must be some reson as to why we are here...."
Deanna picked herself off the ground and glared at Obi-Wan. "What else, dolt? We're here to save Data from Bill Gates, of course!"
"Save him?" asked Obi-Wan tentatively. "I'm not so sure about that." He shuddered. "It's dangerous..."
"Oh, come on," said Deanna persuasively, "I'm sure it's perfectly safe. Besides, I'm curious. I've always wanted to see what one of these buildings look like on the inside... haven't you?" She began heading for the building.
"Well, I'm not," insisted Obi-Wan. "Don't you know curiosity killed the cat?"
Deanna shrugged. "Doesn't bother me. *I'm* not a cat." She walked on some more, then turned and added over her shoulder, "But that's what *you* certainly are, *scaredy-cat*!"
"Are you insulting me?" fumed Obi-Wan, dashing after her. "Well, have it your way then! I'm coming after you!" And the two children were swallowed up by the darkness of the garangutan building.
[ENTERPRISE BRIDGE]
Riker was having a hard time. A very hard time.
It was not just the fact that his potential fiancee had been turned into a five-year old kid. Nor was it the fact that she had been unwillingly transported to an alien planet with a hostile Q on it. It wasn't even the fact that he was valiantly trying to separate Crusher from Picard before she killed him (and getting very bruised in the process).
It was the fact that Q was sitting in the Captain's chair, stuffing his face with popcorn and laughing his guts out while people were in mortal danger.
Riker finally managed to pull the two apart.
Q laughed. "Encore! Encore!" He yelled.
Beverly took one look at Q, then picked up a loose sledgehammer lying around somewhere and charged back at Picard.
Riker nearly tore out his hair in fustration. "Why don't you come and help me, instead of sitting there and laughing at our pathetic helpless state?" he yelled at Q.
Q chuckled in mirth. 'No, don't stop, this is most entertaining!" he said.
"Well, it's not so funny when you're- wait a minute, why am I asking you for help when I could easily ask Worf?" said Riker.
Worf snickered from the far corner. "I was waiting to see how long it would take you to notice that I was somewhere around here."
"Well, come and help me-"
He was suddenly interrupted by an extremely bright flash of light which threw everyone off thier feet.
Red alert lights were flashing, and smoke poured out onto the bridge. Picard pushed a stunned Beverly off himself and stood up, wholeheartedly glad for the intermission. "Report!"
"We've been hit!" exclaimed Worf from tactical, "Our power linkage core has been hit and the fore shields are failing."
"Onscreen," commanded Picard.
A vast Star Destroyer filled the screen, bearing the Microsoft logo on the side. As they watched, two, and now four, more garangutan ships approached and flanked it.
"Why do I get a very very bad feeling..." muttered Riker as a volley of quantum torpedoes launched from the ships and headed for them.
[INTERIOR OF MICROSOFT BUILDING]
Obi-Wan and Deanna gazed around them in wonder and shock. The foyer they had just stepped into was vast, vaster than any other they'd seen. It stretched upwards for hundreds of meters. Sunlight poured in through scores of windows, glinting of scores of metal constructs and scores of consoles mounted on the vast walls of the room.
And also on the scores of battle droids stationed around, who promptly turned around and fixed thier blasters on the two kids.
"Uh-oh," said Obi-Wan, "this is *not* good."
"What should we do now?" whispered Deanna.
"I think running would be a good idea," replied Obi-Wan.
They turned and ran.
The droids gave chase.
Deanna picked up speed, and dashed around the corner. As Obi-Wan rounded the corner, he was pulled into the ventilation duct by suprise.
The droids rounded the corner and found nobody. "They must have gone the other way," concluded the lead droid. The squadron quickly turned and continued the hunt for the two missing children.
A grate shifted on the ventilation ducts and Obi-Wan poked his head out. "Safe now," he said. 'Let's get out of here." And he began to climb out of the duct.
Deanna fiercely pulled him back in. "What are you, insane? We've got to stay here, where its safe. They'll kill us if we go out there!"
"Stay here? And do what?" asked Obi-Wan.
"This place must be of much importance to Bill Gates if it's so well protected," mused Deanna. "We have to find out what it is!"
"What, do you think he produces Shockwave files here?" asked Obi-Wan. "Then maybe I can a free copy! So that's what Q sent me here for! He's going to help me!"
Deanna stared at him, confused. "Huh?"
Obi-Wan shook his head. "Nevermind, let's just go!" And he dragged Deanna down the ventilation shafts.
[BATTLE NEAR ENTERPRISE]
Worf gritted his teeth as his armored shuttle shook under the intensity of the quantum torpedoes. He twisted sharply to avoid one, and saw it slam into Ensign Expandable's shuttle, totally decimating it. Oh well.
He floored the accelerator pedal and zoomed in on the surface of the garangutan Star Destroyer. He swooped and turned around collectors, gun stations, and fired wildly, hitting anything and everything within range which moved.
"Yippee! Yahoo!" Just like an arcade game, he thought. This was so fun.
"Mr Worf, do you see thier weapons bank yet?" asked Picard over the comm system.
Worf glanced out at the shuttle beside him. "No sir. But this *is* enjoyable."
"As I can tell," said Picard, swerving to avoid a gun turret in his way.
A fleet of enemy fighters appeared over the horizon.
"Uh-oh," said Picard. "Ouch time."
"By the way, sir," said Worf, firing at the nearest Interceptor, "Why did you choose to join this battle?"
"Well, it sure beats being bashed up by a sledgehammer," replied Picard, maneuvering out of enemy fire and destroying yet another figther.
"Agreed, sir," remarked Worf, as another two Interceptors erupted into balls of flame under his expert hand.
The battle continued to rage.
[HEART OF GOLD]
Arthur Dent yelled in pain as he was slammed into the sharp end of console as the ship lurched under the fullisade of the Star Destroyer's attack.
Marvin was in a corner, whining. "We're doomed. I knew it. We're doomed."
"Shut up," grumbled Zaphod, who was in his blackest mood at the moment. "Who took off the duct tape anyway?"
"Duct tape?" asked Arthur. "Since when was there any?"
"We've got to help them!" said Trillian, pointing out of the viewscreen at the remaining two shuttles valiantly struggling against a fleet of TIE fighters.
"How?" snapped Zaphod. "All the shipboard functions are inaccessible."
"There has a way to get past them..." muttered Trillian.
Suddenly Arthur yelled. "Hey, I seem to have hit something! Now the controls for weaponry work!"
"Finaly the Monkeyman has done something right!" yelled Zaphod. "It's a miracle! The Improbability Drive must have done it."
Two wads of paper fired out from the Heart of Gold's torpedo tubes. They shot out, careened towards the nearest Star Destroyer, then turned back, full velocity, at the two ships.
"I have a bad feeling about this...." said Arthur.
[SOMEWHERE IN ALDERAAN]
"I have a bad feeling about this...." said Obi-Wan. The two children stood in a huge hangar bay which rivaled the size of Starfleet's Utopia Planetia fleetyards. The evil Microsoft Empire was building a huge fleet of starships!
"And a construction platform to large even to fit in this hangar bay...." muttered Deanna, pointing to a large construct at the far end of the monstrous room.
"What are they trying to build, a planet?" asked Obi-Wan skeptically.
"More like a planet destroyer," corrected Deanna.
There was silence in the hangar bay.
A wave of premonition swept across the two children.
Could Deanna have *gasp gasp* Jedi powers? Is she an oracle?
Deanna stared uneasily across the hangar. "Let's get out of here. I have a really bad feeling-"
A phalanx of battle droids appeared out of nowhere and began to chase the two children.
Oh my! She *does* have oracular powers!
The two kids ran frantically down the giant hangar. Obi-Wan tripped over his own feet and fell off the walkway, down fives storeys to the nearest building floor. Ouch.
Deanna turned around. Gas was issuing from a ruptured pipe (droids have bad aim too) and she couldn't see anything. "Obi-Wan!" she yelled.
No reply.
Gritting her teeth, Deanna ran on.
[ENTERPRISE BRIDGE]
Riker gritted his teeth as the bridge of the Enterprise shook,and clung even tighter to his joystick. Unerved by the fact that he was controlling not one, but TWO ships the size of a city each, Riker swerved the joystick wildly. The two pursuing balls of paper shot past them, turned round and came at them again.
Riker groaned and dove the ships down steeply. The two balls of paper overshot and crashed into one of the smaller Star Destroyers. There was no explosion. Then slowly, the ship began to fall apart from the inside.
"Lawsuits," whistled Riker. "Impressive."
Encouraged by this turn of events, the Heart of Gold began pumping out more of the balls of paper.
Riker slapped his forehead in fustration and grabbed the joystick in preparation. "Oh no, here we go again."
[SHUTTLE BATTLE]
Worf and Picard nosedived in tandem, avoiding two huge balls of paper which smashed into the Destroyer beside them, which began slowly disintegrating. Behind them, the Enterprise looked like it was doing the Dance of the Bumblebees.
"Cover me, Mr Worf. I'm going in," said Picard.
Going in? To where?
"I see thier central weapons bank. Everthing's interconnected to it. If I hit it, the whole system goes down."
Sounds like the relationship between my Internet browser and my hard disk.
Picard accelerated and zoomed in for the kill, swerving around support pillars and gun turrets.
Worf blew up anything in the way.
Picard aimed for the weapons bank and fired. Instead he hit and decimated a support pillar which began to topple over.
"Oops, wrong one." The whole structure now sagged over and started to collapse on the weapons bank.
"Uh-oh, this is *not* good," muttered Worf.
"Time to get out of here!" yelped Picard, zipping past Worf's shuttle. Worf nodded in agreement and joined him. Behind them, the support pillar crashed into the weapons bank, sending out a flare of hot gas and plasma whick threw a shock wave at the two fleeing shuttles.
The systems on every other ship crashed and died. Now how's that for a spectacular system crash!
"Yippee! Whoo-hoo!" cheered Worf.
"You did it! All by yourself! Two shuttles!" said Riker in triumph over the conn as he dispatched the last bunch of paper balls onto the now-defunct lead Destroyer.
"Aren't you proud of me?" asked Picard.
"Wait, two shuttles?" asked Worf. "What happened to all the other twenty-eight shuttles?"
"Piloted by ensigns," replied Riker. "Hurry up and come back to the Enterprise, we need to investigate this."
"Go back?" asked Picard hesitantly. "Well, yes.... but on one condition...."
"What?" asked Riker.
"Make sure Beverly is confined to sickbay."
[BACK ON ALDERAAN]
Deanna stopped running and peered aroung a corner. There was total silence in the hangar- the battle droids were gone. She quickly ran down to the nearest building floor.
The silence was unnerving.
"Obi-Wan?" She whispered tentatively. The corridor was totally empty. "Hello? Obi-Wan, where are you?" she repeated. Moving down the corridor, her foot bumped into something. She picked it up. It was a lightsaber... Obi-Wan's lightsaber.
'He must have been kidnapped," said Deanna to herself. "Oh great. Now, instead of one, I have TWO people to rescue, and all by myself too." She looked around and saw a access console two floors below. "Well, I'd better get started."
She ran down and started fiddling with the consoles. She randomly pushed buttons and watched the screen shift. Images and messages flashed by. She rapidly sifted through the information being shown to her.
Banana cake recipes, the diary of Adolf Hitler, the GCE O levels, ways to torture your Maths teacher (wait Deanna I want that! Arrgh too late), Death Star plans, the Clinton scandal...
Wait a minnit, Death Star plans?
Deanna backtracked and stared at the screen. There it was, a souped up AT&T logo, in construction and bound for... Earth?
Earth was going to be destroyed!
"I've got to do something!" said Deanna. But what? She poked further into the computing system and found that Bill Gates had taken his captives to the Death Star construction site in the Alderaanian system's nebula, called Pentium.
Just then she heard something beep... her communicator. Why, she still had it with her! She answered it. "Troi here."
"Counselor!" Picard's voice said. 'Are you alright?"
"Of course I am!" she said indignantly. "Are you at Alderaan already?"
"Oh yes, but we had a haaard time getting here. Well standby to be beamed up..."
And so Deanna disappeared from the hangar bay, taking all her secrets with her.....
[DEATH STAR CONSTRUCTION SITE]
Data looked around him curiously. Someone else had been thrown into his cell. A little boy. The kid glared at the guard who had thrown him in as the forcefields flickered back into place.
The kid turned and stared at Data. "Are you an angel?"
"I beg your pardon?" said Data with slight amusement.
"An angel," repeated the kid. "I've heard of them before, but I've never seen one."
"I'm not an angel," replied Data, chuckling. "But I am an android."
"Oh." said the kid, clearly disappointed.
"I am Lt. Commander Data of the Starship Enterprise," introduced Data. "And you are?"
"I'm Obi-Wan!" he exclaimed, his eyes growing bigger. "You must be the one that Deanna was talking about. The one we had to rescue." He sat down beside Data. "Okay, now all we have to do is to figure out how to get away from here."
Oh wow. The relevation of the year.
Data scrutinized the kid carefully. "Obi-Wan..." the name did ring a bell. "Aren't you from the Star Wars trilogy?"
Obi-Wan gave him a long, hard stare, then finally asked, "Do you know anyone named Kirk or Spock?"
Data frowned. 'As a matter of fact, yes, I do."
Obi-Wan nodded. 'Then make sure I never get near to them."
Data shrugged. 'That is quite easily taken care of. Kirk is dead already."
"Oh, no!" wailed Obi-Wan. "And it's all my fault!" He buried his head in his hands.
"I'm sure it isn't..." comforted Data. "After all, you've never even met him."
"But Arthur Dent said it was my fault!" groaned Obi-Wan. "Oh never mind, just keep me out of Spock's way and I'll be fine."
"That's alright with me," said Data.
Suddenly Bill Gates appeared out of nowhere and grinned maniacally at his two captives. He laughed maniacally. "Ha! Ha! Ha! My new Death Star is nearly completed and to demonstrate my power over the galaxy I will blow up none other than the forsaken planet known as Earth."
Data and Obi-Wan looked at each other in alarm.
[PENTIUM NEBULA]
The Enterprise soared beside a giagntic swirling nebula, Pentium, where the Death Star was under construction. (Intel Inside, geddit?)
"Look!" said Riker, as they sailed past the nebula. "The nebula has a moon in it!"
Worf stared at the 'moon' and finally said, "That's no moon, that's a space station."
"I have baaad feeling about this..." muttered Picard.
"That's the weapon that they're going to use to blow up Earth!" said Deanna, standing on Picard's chair and pointing. How wude.
"But Earth has already been blown up," exclaimed Arthur Dent over the comm system.
"Not in this universe it hasn't," replied Picard curtly.
"We've got to stop them!" exclaimed Riker. "How?"
Deanna frowned. "The battle station must have some weaknesses to it. All we have to do is to find it and attack the station..."
"Good idea," said Picard. "Let's beam down an away team."
Before they could do that, however, the Death Star zipped away into warp. Everyone on the bridge groaned except Q. "Stop whinihg, you pathetic humans, I'll get you there faster than he will..."
He snapped his fingers and immediately the two ships were orbiting Earth, which was being blockaded by a whole bunch of Star Destroyers. And the Death Star was already there. Suddenly out of nowhere, the entire Pentium Nebula appeared and cloaked the Death Satr, some of the Star Destroyers and the two ships.
"Now what?" asked Picard, looking at Q. "You brought us into this, so you'd better help us." He gave him an insolent glare."
Q shrugged. "Alright, then I suggest you send the girl-" he gestured at Troi-" onto that Death Star to find out its secrets."
Picard looked at Troi. She pushed her chin up defiantly. "I'm ready to do my part," she said.
Riker groaned. "Oh, no, not again, Deanna," he groaned. "Don't you know that it's not safe?"
Before he could finish his sentence, she was already gone.
[DEATH STAR BRIDGE]
Obi-Wan and Data were tied in the middle of a vast bridge filled with ticking dials and controls. It was all very impressive. The only problem was, Bill Gates had built and designed it. (And you know what his stuff are like...)
"*Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha ha!*" laughed the renegade Q evilly. "With my powers and my new superweapon, nobody in the universe can stop me! And the destruction of planet Earth will justify that!"
"Why would it?" asked Obi-Wan. "I thought Earth was just a miserable planet in some far-off corner of the galaxy! You said so yourself!"
"Aaah, but not so in this century! Earth is the adminstrative centre of Starfleet!" He said smugly.
"But not the Galactic Republic," pointed out Obi-Wan. "And you'll never destroy them unless you get to Coruscant!"
"Why, that's right," said Bill Gates, a slow fierce grin spreading across his face. "Then we should deal with Coruscant first, shouldn't we?" He turned to his navigator and said, "Take the whole fleet to Coruscant, right now."
Data gace Obi-Wan a big glare for giving Bill Gates nifty ideas.
The entire Microsoft fleet disappeared into the void.
[HEART OF GOLD]
Arthur was miserable. He had been miserable for a looong time. Ever since this thing started it had been getting worse and worse and worse... fortunately for him now it was slightly better at the familiar sight of his home planet spinning below him. "Ahhh.... home..." sighed Arthur.
"They're powering thier weapons," commented Marvin. 'It looks like they're going to destroy Earth... again."
Arthur collapsed into a big, sobbing pile.
"Oh, come on," cajoled Ford Prefect, "don't upset the Monkeyman anymore than he already is."
The ship shook a little and Earth disappeared. He screamed. "NOOOOOOOOO!" And he collapsed into a bigger sobbing pile. What a loser.
"Stop crying, big nut, they haven't blown up Earth! We've been transported to another place!" Trillian gestured at the viewscreen. The huge Microsoft fleet now lay orbiting around Coruscant.
Arthur looked up. True, indeed. A brownish, glowing planet filled the viewscreen. "Instantaneous transportation, " groaned Arthur. "I hate that."
A huge plastic hammer appeared out of nowhere and clobbered Zaphod Beeblebrox on the head, sending him sprawling onto Marvin. A tub of ice cream appeared in Marvin's hand, who wasted no time in getting it on Zaphod' face.
Zaphod licked the ice cream off his face. "Maybe this thing isn't so bad after all."
The ship began to rumble real badly.
[ENTERPRISE BRIDGE]
Picard took one look at Coruscant and screamed. "Arrrrgh! The Borg! The Borg have assimilated Earth! Auuuuuugggg-"
Q snapped his fingers in irritation and Picard turned into a small, pink, whimpering bunny.
"Thank you for shutting up, mon captaine," said Q smugly.
Riker took one look at the pink bunny and screamed. "Auuuuuuuuugggg-"
Riker disappeared and another bunny appeared. "Oh wow," said Q sarcastically, "they're multiplying like rabbits."
"Stop it," snarled Worf, "Because with Data kidnapped, Picard and Riker bunnies, Troi on the Death Star and Crusher confined to Sickbay, I have to be captain."
Q looked horrified, snapped his fingers and turned Worf into a huge pink raging bunny.
Geordi arrived on the bridge in a great hurry, and not of his own accord. He looked around at the bridge filled with terrified ensigns and cute pink bunnies, and asked, "Where's all the sentient beings gone?"
Before Q could answer him, the ship started shaking. *Real* badly.
"We're under attack!" exclaimed Geordi. At this every ensign on the bridge freaked and stood a million miles away from any console.
Geordi rolled his eyes. "Great! So I have to pilot the ship, fire and look out for exploding things all at the same time, all by myself."
And speaking of exploding things, the consoles start to do thier stuff all over again. And would you know it, they kill the people who happen to be standing the furthest away from it. No prizes for guessing who.
The ship stopped shaking for a while, and Geordi looked around at the mess of the ship, covered in dead bodies and about fifteen pink bunnies (oh my, don't tell me that they are actually reproducing?)
Geordi glared at Q. "Look, if you really want to stop the universe from being destroyed by Bill Gates I suggest you start helping us and *not* sit down there eating popcorn, throwing stuff at the viewscreen and yelling 'encore! encore!'"
The popcorn in Q's hand disappeared and he pondered for a moment. "I suppose you're right," he said, "I was getting a little distracted by all this fun." He snapped his fingers, and most of the senior crew was restored, along with a raging Beverly Crusher who suddenly realised that she had been released from confinement.
She saw Picard on the bridge, and flew at him like a raging Maths teacher.
At this point, the ship once again saved Picard's life by deciding to start getting fired at. Picard hastily pushed Crusher off him and tried to take control. "Report!"
"The Republic fleet is firing at us, sir!" yelled Geordi. His eyes widened. "They think we are the "ones whose destruction will bring balance to the Force." He looked confused. "What's that mean?"
Picard shrugged. "It just means that they're going to obliterate us."
The ship began to rumble even more badly.... and then time stopped.
[LEAD STAR DESTROYER]
"Uh oh,' said Troi, as the ship rumbled and everything froze in place except her. "Methinks that I've done something," she muttered.
She was halfway to the bridge. GLancing out of the window, she saw photon torpedo tubes poised between the intimidating Coruscant fleet and the equally intimidating Microsoft fleet. Oh, and the Enterprise and the Heart of Gold trapped somewhere in between. "At least this gives me some time to start mucking about and try to stop this," she muttered. She sat down and tried to start formulating a plan to get them out of the muck they were in. After some time, she began to get an idea, but she would need help.
Deanna sat down, closed her eyes and started to meditiate. When she had calmed down enough, she spread her thoughts far and wide and tried to locate the bridge.
'Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."
[HEART OF GOLD]
Arthur felt helpless in the time-frozen bridge of the Heart of Gold. Everything on the bridge was frozen except for the sentinent beings, which, unfortunately, included Marvin, who was complaining as usual. And of course, the Improbablity Drive, which was the key to the whole problem all the time.
He poked around the bridge. "Nothing's working," he grumbled. "Not even the food replicator."
"Well, at least we're not being fired at," grumbled Trillian. "I hope that the Improbability Drive fixes this time-stuck thing soon, though."
Arthur and Trillian share a significant look.
Foreshadowing.....
[TO BE CONTINUED]
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THE STORY SO FAR: A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, Bill Gates, the renegade Q, has broken loose from his exile on planet Earth and caused chaos in the universe, helped by a rift in the space-time continuum caused by a malfunction in the Heart of Gold's Improbability Drive. He has kidnapped Data to the planet Alderaan where he is trying to take over the universe. Our hero, Q, races across the galaxy with the Enterprise-E and the Heart of Gold to Alderaan where Obi-Wan and Deanna Troi, both five years old, have been sent to (it's a long story).....
[SURFACE OF ALDERAAN]
Obi-Wan and Deanna stared at each other in shock. In less than a minute, they had gone from being confused adults, to confused five-year-olds, to very confused five-year-olds abandoned on the surface of an alien planet.
Obi-Wan picked himself up and stared around. There was lush greenery galore, with birds flittering here and there. He was beginning to think that this was a really nice place until he turned around and saw what was behind him.
A very large Microsoft building sticking out of the ground like an eyesore (in other words, a very large microsoft building, *grin*).
Obi-Wan reeled in shock.
Deanna was staring with open disgust at the huge picture of Bill Gates (the indulgent, egoistic person that he was) plastered on the face of the building. "Him again," she muttered.
"It's a Microsoft building!" exclaimed Obi-Wan. "Someone must have built it here."
Deanna rolled her eyes. 'Your ability to state the blindingly obvious continues to stun me." She looked around and concluded, "Q must have brought us to Alderaan instantaneously."
Obi-Wan nodded in agreement. "Then there must be some reson as to why we are here...."
Deanna picked herself off the ground and glared at Obi-Wan. "What else, dolt? We're here to save Data from Bill Gates, of course!"
"Save him?" asked Obi-Wan tentatively. "I'm not so sure about that." He shuddered. "It's dangerous..."
"Oh, come on," said Deanna persuasively, "I'm sure it's perfectly safe. Besides, I'm curious. I've always wanted to see what one of these buildings look like on the inside... haven't you?" She began heading for the building.
"Well, I'm not," insisted Obi-Wan. "Don't you know curiosity killed the cat?"
Deanna shrugged. "Doesn't bother me. *I'm* not a cat." She walked on some more, then turned and added over her shoulder, "But that's what *you* certainly are, *scaredy-cat*!"
"Are you insulting me?" fumed Obi-Wan, dashing after her. "Well, have it your way then! I'm coming after you!" And the two children were swallowed up by the darkness of the garangutan building.
[ENTERPRISE BRIDGE]
Riker was having a hard time. A very hard time.
It was not just the fact that his potential fiancee had been turned into a five-year old kid. Nor was it the fact that she had been unwillingly transported to an alien planet with a hostile Q on it. It wasn't even the fact that he was valiantly trying to separate Crusher from Picard before she killed him (and getting very bruised in the process).
It was the fact that Q was sitting in the Captain's chair, stuffing his face with popcorn and laughing his guts out while people were in mortal danger.
Riker finally managed to pull the two apart.
Q laughed. "Encore! Encore!" He yelled.
Beverly took one look at Q, then picked up a loose sledgehammer lying around somewhere and charged back at Picard.
Riker nearly tore out his hair in fustration. "Why don't you come and help me, instead of sitting there and laughing at our pathetic helpless state?" he yelled at Q.
Q chuckled in mirth. 'No, don't stop, this is most entertaining!" he said.
"Well, it's not so funny when you're- wait a minute, why am I asking you for help when I could easily ask Worf?" said Riker.
Worf snickered from the far corner. "I was waiting to see how long it would take you to notice that I was somewhere around here."
"Well, come and help me-"
He was suddenly interrupted by an extremely bright flash of light which threw everyone off thier feet.
Red alert lights were flashing, and smoke poured out onto the bridge. Picard pushed a stunned Beverly off himself and stood up, wholeheartedly glad for the intermission. "Report!"
"We've been hit!" exclaimed Worf from tactical, "Our power linkage core has been hit and the fore shields are failing."
"Onscreen," commanded Picard.
A vast Star Destroyer filled the screen, bearing the Microsoft logo on the side. As they watched, two, and now four, more garangutan ships approached and flanked it.
"Why do I get a very very bad feeling..." muttered Riker as a volley of quantum torpedoes launched from the ships and headed for them.
[INTERIOR OF MICROSOFT BUILDING]
Obi-Wan and Deanna gazed around them in wonder and shock. The foyer they had just stepped into was vast, vaster than any other they'd seen. It stretched upwards for hundreds of meters. Sunlight poured in through scores of windows, glinting of scores of metal constructs and scores of consoles mounted on the vast walls of the room.
And also on the scores of battle droids stationed around, who promptly turned around and fixed thier blasters on the two kids.
"Uh-oh," said Obi-Wan, "this is *not* good."
"What should we do now?" whispered Deanna.
"I think running would be a good idea," replied Obi-Wan.
They turned and ran.
The droids gave chase.
Deanna picked up speed, and dashed around the corner. As Obi-Wan rounded the corner, he was pulled into the ventilation duct by suprise.
The droids rounded the corner and found nobody. "They must have gone the other way," concluded the lead droid. The squadron quickly turned and continued the hunt for the two missing children.
A grate shifted on the ventilation ducts and Obi-Wan poked his head out. "Safe now," he said. 'Let's get out of here." And he began to climb out of the duct.
Deanna fiercely pulled him back in. "What are you, insane? We've got to stay here, where its safe. They'll kill us if we go out there!"
"Stay here? And do what?" asked Obi-Wan.
"This place must be of much importance to Bill Gates if it's so well protected," mused Deanna. "We have to find out what it is!"
"What, do you think he produces Shockwave files here?" asked Obi-Wan. "Then maybe I can a free copy! So that's what Q sent me here for! He's going to help me!"
Deanna stared at him, confused. "Huh?"
Obi-Wan shook his head. "Nevermind, let's just go!" And he dragged Deanna down the ventilation shafts.
[BATTLE NEAR ENTERPRISE]
Worf gritted his teeth as his armored shuttle shook under the intensity of the quantum torpedoes. He twisted sharply to avoid one, and saw it slam into Ensign Expandable's shuttle, totally decimating it. Oh well.
He floored the accelerator pedal and zoomed in on the surface of the garangutan Star Destroyer. He swooped and turned around collectors, gun stations, and fired wildly, hitting anything and everything within range which moved.
"Yippee! Yahoo!" Just like an arcade game, he thought. This was so fun.
"Mr Worf, do you see thier weapons bank yet?" asked Picard over the comm system.
Worf glanced out at the shuttle beside him. "No sir. But this *is* enjoyable."
"As I can tell," said Picard, swerving to avoid a gun turret in his way.
A fleet of enemy fighters appeared over the horizon.
"Uh-oh," said Picard. "Ouch time."
"By the way, sir," said Worf, firing at the nearest Interceptor, "Why did you choose to join this battle?"
"Well, it sure beats being bashed up by a sledgehammer," replied Picard, maneuvering out of enemy fire and destroying yet another figther.
"Agreed, sir," remarked Worf, as another two Interceptors erupted into balls of flame under his expert hand.
The battle continued to rage.
[HEART OF GOLD]
Arthur Dent yelled in pain as he was slammed into the sharp end of console as the ship lurched under the fullisade of the Star Destroyer's attack.
Marvin was in a corner, whining. "We're doomed. I knew it. We're doomed."
"Shut up," grumbled Zaphod, who was in his blackest mood at the moment. "Who took off the duct tape anyway?"
"Duct tape?" asked Arthur. "Since when was there any?"
"We've got to help them!" said Trillian, pointing out of the viewscreen at the remaining two shuttles valiantly struggling against a fleet of TIE fighters.
"How?" snapped Zaphod. "All the shipboard functions are inaccessible."
"There has a way to get past them..." muttered Trillian.
Suddenly Arthur yelled. "Hey, I seem to have hit something! Now the controls for weaponry work!"
"Finaly the Monkeyman has done something right!" yelled Zaphod. "It's a miracle! The Improbability Drive must have done it."
Two wads of paper fired out from the Heart of Gold's torpedo tubes. They shot out, careened towards the nearest Star Destroyer, then turned back, full velocity, at the two ships.
"I have a bad feeling about this...." said Arthur.
[SOMEWHERE IN ALDERAAN]
"I have a bad feeling about this...." said Obi-Wan. The two children stood in a huge hangar bay which rivaled the size of Starfleet's Utopia Planetia fleetyards. The evil Microsoft Empire was building a huge fleet of starships!
"And a construction platform to large even to fit in this hangar bay...." muttered Deanna, pointing to a large construct at the far end of the monstrous room.
"What are they trying to build, a planet?" asked Obi-Wan skeptically.
"More like a planet destroyer," corrected Deanna.
There was silence in the hangar bay.
A wave of premonition swept across the two children.
Could Deanna have *gasp gasp* Jedi powers? Is she an oracle?
Deanna stared uneasily across the hangar. "Let's get out of here. I have a really bad feeling-"
A phalanx of battle droids appeared out of nowhere and began to chase the two children.
Oh my! She *does* have oracular powers!
The two kids ran frantically down the giant hangar. Obi-Wan tripped over his own feet and fell off the walkway, down fives storeys to the nearest building floor. Ouch.
Deanna turned around. Gas was issuing from a ruptured pipe (droids have bad aim too) and she couldn't see anything. "Obi-Wan!" she yelled.
No reply.
Gritting her teeth, Deanna ran on.
[ENTERPRISE BRIDGE]
Riker gritted his teeth as the bridge of the Enterprise shook,and clung even tighter to his joystick. Unerved by the fact that he was controlling not one, but TWO ships the size of a city each, Riker swerved the joystick wildly. The two pursuing balls of paper shot past them, turned round and came at them again.
Riker groaned and dove the ships down steeply. The two balls of paper overshot and crashed into one of the smaller Star Destroyers. There was no explosion. Then slowly, the ship began to fall apart from the inside.
"Lawsuits," whistled Riker. "Impressive."
Encouraged by this turn of events, the Heart of Gold began pumping out more of the balls of paper.
Riker slapped his forehead in fustration and grabbed the joystick in preparation. "Oh no, here we go again."
[SHUTTLE BATTLE]
Worf and Picard nosedived in tandem, avoiding two huge balls of paper which smashed into the Destroyer beside them, which began slowly disintegrating. Behind them, the Enterprise looked like it was doing the Dance of the Bumblebees.
"Cover me, Mr Worf. I'm going in," said Picard.
Going in? To where?
"I see thier central weapons bank. Everthing's interconnected to it. If I hit it, the whole system goes down."
Sounds like the relationship between my Internet browser and my hard disk.
Picard accelerated and zoomed in for the kill, swerving around support pillars and gun turrets.
Worf blew up anything in the way.
Picard aimed for the weapons bank and fired. Instead he hit and decimated a support pillar which began to topple over.
"Oops, wrong one." The whole structure now sagged over and started to collapse on the weapons bank.
"Uh-oh, this is *not* good," muttered Worf.
"Time to get out of here!" yelped Picard, zipping past Worf's shuttle. Worf nodded in agreement and joined him. Behind them, the support pillar crashed into the weapons bank, sending out a flare of hot gas and plasma whick threw a shock wave at the two fleeing shuttles.
The systems on every other ship crashed and died. Now how's that for a spectacular system crash!
"Yippee! Whoo-hoo!" cheered Worf.
"You did it! All by yourself! Two shuttles!" said Riker in triumph over the conn as he dispatched the last bunch of paper balls onto the now-defunct lead Destroyer.
"Aren't you proud of me?" asked Picard.
"Wait, two shuttles?" asked Worf. "What happened to all the other twenty-eight shuttles?"
"Piloted by ensigns," replied Riker. "Hurry up and come back to the Enterprise, we need to investigate this."
"Go back?" asked Picard hesitantly. "Well, yes.... but on one condition...."
"What?" asked Riker.
"Make sure Beverly is confined to sickbay."
[BACK ON ALDERAAN]
Deanna stopped running and peered aroung a corner. There was total silence in the hangar- the battle droids were gone. She quickly ran down to the nearest building floor.
The silence was unnerving.
"Obi-Wan?" She whispered tentatively. The corridor was totally empty. "Hello? Obi-Wan, where are you?" she repeated. Moving down the corridor, her foot bumped into something. She picked it up. It was a lightsaber... Obi-Wan's lightsaber.
'He must have been kidnapped," said Deanna to herself. "Oh great. Now, instead of one, I have TWO people to rescue, and all by myself too." She looked around and saw a access console two floors below. "Well, I'd better get started."
She ran down and started fiddling with the consoles. She randomly pushed buttons and watched the screen shift. Images and messages flashed by. She rapidly sifted through the information being shown to her.
Banana cake recipes, the diary of Adolf Hitler, the GCE O levels, ways to torture your Maths teacher (wait Deanna I want that! Arrgh too late), Death Star plans, the Clinton scandal...
Wait a minnit, Death Star plans?
Deanna backtracked and stared at the screen. There it was, a souped up AT&T logo, in construction and bound for... Earth?
Earth was going to be destroyed!
"I've got to do something!" said Deanna. But what? She poked further into the computing system and found that Bill Gates had taken his captives to the Death Star construction site in the Alderaanian system's nebula, called Pentium.
Just then she heard something beep... her communicator. Why, she still had it with her! She answered it. "Troi here."
"Counselor!" Picard's voice said. 'Are you alright?"
"Of course I am!" she said indignantly. "Are you at Alderaan already?"
"Oh yes, but we had a haaard time getting here. Well standby to be beamed up..."
And so Deanna disappeared from the hangar bay, taking all her secrets with her.....
[DEATH STAR CONSTRUCTION SITE]
Data looked around him curiously. Someone else had been thrown into his cell. A little boy. The kid glared at the guard who had thrown him in as the forcefields flickered back into place.
The kid turned and stared at Data. "Are you an angel?"
"I beg your pardon?" said Data with slight amusement.
"An angel," repeated the kid. "I've heard of them before, but I've never seen one."
"I'm not an angel," replied Data, chuckling. "But I am an android."
"Oh." said the kid, clearly disappointed.
"I am Lt. Commander Data of the Starship Enterprise," introduced Data. "And you are?"
"I'm Obi-Wan!" he exclaimed, his eyes growing bigger. "You must be the one that Deanna was talking about. The one we had to rescue." He sat down beside Data. "Okay, now all we have to do is to figure out how to get away from here."
Oh wow. The relevation of the year.
Data scrutinized the kid carefully. "Obi-Wan..." the name did ring a bell. "Aren't you from the Star Wars trilogy?"
Obi-Wan gave him a long, hard stare, then finally asked, "Do you know anyone named Kirk or Spock?"
Data frowned. 'As a matter of fact, yes, I do."
Obi-Wan nodded. 'Then make sure I never get near to them."
Data shrugged. 'That is quite easily taken care of. Kirk is dead already."
"Oh, no!" wailed Obi-Wan. "And it's all my fault!" He buried his head in his hands.
"I'm sure it isn't..." comforted Data. "After all, you've never even met him."
"But Arthur Dent said it was my fault!" groaned Obi-Wan. "Oh never mind, just keep me out of Spock's way and I'll be fine."
"That's alright with me," said Data.
Suddenly Bill Gates appeared out of nowhere and grinned maniacally at his two captives. He laughed maniacally. "Ha! Ha! Ha! My new Death Star is nearly completed and to demonstrate my power over the galaxy I will blow up none other than the forsaken planet known as Earth."
Data and Obi-Wan looked at each other in alarm.
[PENTIUM NEBULA]
The Enterprise soared beside a giagntic swirling nebula, Pentium, where the Death Star was under construction. (Intel Inside, geddit?)
"Look!" said Riker, as they sailed past the nebula. "The nebula has a moon in it!"
Worf stared at the 'moon' and finally said, "That's no moon, that's a space station."
"I have baaad feeling about this..." muttered Picard.
"That's the weapon that they're going to use to blow up Earth!" said Deanna, standing on Picard's chair and pointing. How wude.
"But Earth has already been blown up," exclaimed Arthur Dent over the comm system.
"Not in this universe it hasn't," replied Picard curtly.
"We've got to stop them!" exclaimed Riker. "How?"
Deanna frowned. "The battle station must have some weaknesses to it. All we have to do is to find it and attack the station..."
"Good idea," said Picard. "Let's beam down an away team."
Before they could do that, however, the Death Star zipped away into warp. Everyone on the bridge groaned except Q. "Stop whinihg, you pathetic humans, I'll get you there faster than he will..."
He snapped his fingers and immediately the two ships were orbiting Earth, which was being blockaded by a whole bunch of Star Destroyers. And the Death Star was already there. Suddenly out of nowhere, the entire Pentium Nebula appeared and cloaked the Death Satr, some of the Star Destroyers and the two ships.
"Now what?" asked Picard, looking at Q. "You brought us into this, so you'd better help us." He gave him an insolent glare."
Q shrugged. "Alright, then I suggest you send the girl-" he gestured at Troi-" onto that Death Star to find out its secrets."
Picard looked at Troi. She pushed her chin up defiantly. "I'm ready to do my part," she said.
Riker groaned. "Oh, no, not again, Deanna," he groaned. "Don't you know that it's not safe?"
Before he could finish his sentence, she was already gone.
[DEATH STAR BRIDGE]
Obi-Wan and Data were tied in the middle of a vast bridge filled with ticking dials and controls. It was all very impressive. The only problem was, Bill Gates had built and designed it. (And you know what his stuff are like...)
"*Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha ha!*" laughed the renegade Q evilly. "With my powers and my new superweapon, nobody in the universe can stop me! And the destruction of planet Earth will justify that!"
"Why would it?" asked Obi-Wan. "I thought Earth was just a miserable planet in some far-off corner of the galaxy! You said so yourself!"
"Aaah, but not so in this century! Earth is the adminstrative centre of Starfleet!" He said smugly.
"But not the Galactic Republic," pointed out Obi-Wan. "And you'll never destroy them unless you get to Coruscant!"
"Why, that's right," said Bill Gates, a slow fierce grin spreading across his face. "Then we should deal with Coruscant first, shouldn't we?" He turned to his navigator and said, "Take the whole fleet to Coruscant, right now."
Data gace Obi-Wan a big glare for giving Bill Gates nifty ideas.
The entire Microsoft fleet disappeared into the void.
[HEART OF GOLD]
Arthur was miserable. He had been miserable for a looong time. Ever since this thing started it had been getting worse and worse and worse... fortunately for him now it was slightly better at the familiar sight of his home planet spinning below him. "Ahhh.... home..." sighed Arthur.
"They're powering thier weapons," commented Marvin. 'It looks like they're going to destroy Earth... again."
Arthur collapsed into a big, sobbing pile.
"Oh, come on," cajoled Ford Prefect, "don't upset the Monkeyman anymore than he already is."
The ship shook a little and Earth disappeared. He screamed. "NOOOOOOOOO!" And he collapsed into a bigger sobbing pile. What a loser.
"Stop crying, big nut, they haven't blown up Earth! We've been transported to another place!" Trillian gestured at the viewscreen. The huge Microsoft fleet now lay orbiting around Coruscant.
Arthur looked up. True, indeed. A brownish, glowing planet filled the viewscreen. "Instantaneous transportation, " groaned Arthur. "I hate that."
A huge plastic hammer appeared out of nowhere and clobbered Zaphod Beeblebrox on the head, sending him sprawling onto Marvin. A tub of ice cream appeared in Marvin's hand, who wasted no time in getting it on Zaphod' face.
Zaphod licked the ice cream off his face. "Maybe this thing isn't so bad after all."
The ship began to rumble real badly.
[ENTERPRISE BRIDGE]
Picard took one look at Coruscant and screamed. "Arrrrgh! The Borg! The Borg have assimilated Earth! Auuuuuugggg-"
Q snapped his fingers in irritation and Picard turned into a small, pink, whimpering bunny.
"Thank you for shutting up, mon captaine," said Q smugly.
Riker took one look at the pink bunny and screamed. "Auuuuuuuuugggg-"
Riker disappeared and another bunny appeared. "Oh wow," said Q sarcastically, "they're multiplying like rabbits."
"Stop it," snarled Worf, "Because with Data kidnapped, Picard and Riker bunnies, Troi on the Death Star and Crusher confined to Sickbay, I have to be captain."
Q looked horrified, snapped his fingers and turned Worf into a huge pink raging bunny.
Geordi arrived on the bridge in a great hurry, and not of his own accord. He looked around at the bridge filled with terrified ensigns and cute pink bunnies, and asked, "Where's all the sentient beings gone?"
Before Q could answer him, the ship started shaking. *Real* badly.
"We're under attack!" exclaimed Geordi. At this every ensign on the bridge freaked and stood a million miles away from any console.
Geordi rolled his eyes. "Great! So I have to pilot the ship, fire and look out for exploding things all at the same time, all by myself."
And speaking of exploding things, the consoles start to do thier stuff all over again. And would you know it, they kill the people who happen to be standing the furthest away from it. No prizes for guessing who.
The ship stopped shaking for a while, and Geordi looked around at the mess of the ship, covered in dead bodies and about fifteen pink bunnies (oh my, don't tell me that they are actually reproducing?)
Geordi glared at Q. "Look, if you really want to stop the universe from being destroyed by Bill Gates I suggest you start helping us and *not* sit down there eating popcorn, throwing stuff at the viewscreen and yelling 'encore! encore!'"
The popcorn in Q's hand disappeared and he pondered for a moment. "I suppose you're right," he said, "I was getting a little distracted by all this fun." He snapped his fingers, and most of the senior crew was restored, along with a raging Beverly Crusher who suddenly realised that she had been released from confinement.
She saw Picard on the bridge, and flew at him like a raging Maths teacher.
At this point, the ship once again saved Picard's life by deciding to start getting fired at. Picard hastily pushed Crusher off him and tried to take control. "Report!"
"The Republic fleet is firing at us, sir!" yelled Geordi. His eyes widened. "They think we are the "ones whose destruction will bring balance to the Force." He looked confused. "What's that mean?"
Picard shrugged. "It just means that they're going to obliterate us."
The ship began to rumble even more badly.... and then time stopped.
[LEAD STAR DESTROYER]
"Uh oh,' said Troi, as the ship rumbled and everything froze in place except her. "Methinks that I've done something," she muttered.
She was halfway to the bridge. GLancing out of the window, she saw photon torpedo tubes poised between the intimidating Coruscant fleet and the equally intimidating Microsoft fleet. Oh, and the Enterprise and the Heart of Gold trapped somewhere in between. "At least this gives me some time to start mucking about and try to stop this," she muttered. She sat down and tried to start formulating a plan to get them out of the muck they were in. After some time, she began to get an idea, but she would need help.
Deanna sat down, closed her eyes and started to meditiate. When she had calmed down enough, she spread her thoughts far and wide and tried to locate the bridge.
'Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."
[HEART OF GOLD]
Arthur felt helpless in the time-frozen bridge of the Heart of Gold. Everything on the bridge was frozen except for the sentinent beings, which, unfortunately, included Marvin, who was complaining as usual. And of course, the Improbablity Drive, which was the key to the whole problem all the time.
He poked around the bridge. "Nothing's working," he grumbled. "Not even the food replicator."
"Well, at least we're not being fired at," grumbled Trillian. "I hope that the Improbability Drive fixes this time-stuck thing soon, though."
Arthur and Trillian share a significant look.
Foreshadowing.....
[TO BE CONTINUED]