THE STORY OF SHOCKWAVE PART THREE
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THE STORY SO FAR: Bill Gates is an escaped renegade Q who is now intending to destroy Coruscant with his super large and powerful fleet of Star Destroyers and his Death Star. Meanwhile the Heart of Gold's Improbability Drive continues wreaking havoc by stopping time, five-year old Deanna Troi is trying to contact the captive five-year old Obi-Wan Kenobi to help her save the day with help from Data, also another captive... (it's a very very looooong story)
[ENTERPRISE BRIDGE]
The entire bridge was silent and frozen. So were all the ensigns. So were all the senior crew.
Picard was the first to thaw from the shock. "What in the world?"
Q shrugged. "Time has just stopped for this quadrant." He looked out of the window. "Pity, though. I'd like to see what those proton torpedoes out there could do to your puny ship...'
Picard growled at Q.
"Okay, okay, so maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea. I know, I know, you need my help..." he suddenly trailed off and stared into space.
The entire senior crew had unfrozen themselves now and were desperately trying to unfreeze the ensigns, but they were stuck in time (only sentient beings were spared, remember?) Picard, however, was more surprised by Q's sudden silence. "Q?"
"As do some other people," completed Q smugly before disappearing.
"Wha- what? Q? Come back!" wailed Picard. 'Come back! Don't leave me! Don't leave me! I need your help!" But Q was gone. And to make matters worse, his wailing drew Beverly's attention to him and she began attacking him with renewed vigour.
[DEATH STAR BRIDGE]
Luckily for Deanna, at least some stuff was working out for he. Bill Gates was distracted by Obi-Wan, whom, with Data's help, had broken loose, leaving her and Data alone to muck around with the ship's console.
"As I was saying," said Bill Gates amiably to Obi-Wan, "you should keep a nice long pigtail. It's the heigt of the fashion."
"But you don't have one," pointed out Obi-Wan.
Bill Gates shrugged. "Inconsequential." He snapped his fingers, and a huge long braid grew out of the back of his head. 'There! Now I have one! A queue for a Q!" He burst into maniacal laughter.
There was a bright flash of light and Q appeared on the bridge. "Did I hear you mention my name?" he asked sweetly.
The laughter ceased. "You!!!" raged Bill Gates. "I suppose you've come here to help them in thier escape plan." He gestured to Deanna and Data. "Well, you're not! Don't think I don't know what they're doing. They won't get anywhere. And *you're not helping them!!!!*"
"You know, Obi-Wan," said Q conspiratorily, "You should really get a ponytail instead of a pigtail. And dye your hair red."
Bill Gates raged. "Hey!!! He's MY student! Stop corrupting him!"
Just then a furious Jedi Council, lightsabers and all, beamed onto the bridge, ready to devastate it. Bill Gates, horrified but seeing his chance, turned them all into Smurfs with temporary Q powers.
Q, equally horrified, transported the Smurfs into another galaxy, another quadrant and another starship....
[VOYAGER BRIDGE]
Captain Janeway stared at the bunch of strange little blue creatures with white hats who suddenly appeared on her bridge. The newcomers looked confused for a second, then shrugged collectively and ran around singing a most irritating tune: "La la la la la la, la la la la la...."
Paris, at the helm, noticed that the intruders resembled the Smurfs of a certain 20th century animated series, and repressed a shudder.
Another volley of photon torpedoes rocked the bridge. Janeway groaned. "I don't have time for this," she muttered. "Of all times, we have to get strange irritating little visitors in the middle of a Borg attack."
Chakotay suggested that they beam the Smurfs into Borg space. Janeway agreed. "Tuvok, I want you to round up all those critters and beam them into the heart of the Borg fleet." I smell trouble brewing...
Within a minute the Smurfs were all off the ship.
Or so they thought.
"Captain," said Tuvok. "It seems that we only managed to get seven of the Smurfs off the ship. Two of them seem to have escaped."
Just then a smurf popped out from under the captain's chair. "Suprise!"
The Smurf beamed away under Tuvok's expert guidance.
"Well so that one's gone. And where is the other one?" asked Janeway. (Hey, she can count!)
Tuvok checked his console, then shrugged.
"He does not seem to have exited the bridge via the turbolift," said Tuvok. "It may be entirely possible that these creatures have supernatural powers that-"
"Enough of that," grumbled Janeway, feeling a raging headache coming on. "WHERE *IS* HE?"
Tuvok glanced significantly at his captain before answering.
"Astrometrics Lab."
[ASTROMETRICS LAB]
Harry Kim frowned, unsure of what to do with thier blue-skinned, singing unwelcome visitor. "Uh, hello." he said uncertainly. The Smurf didn't so much as look at him, so Harry stepped in front of the Smurf and said. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"
The Smurf glared at him. "How wude."
Harry Kim turned into a bowl of pudding.
Would you know it? If the Smurfs are going to do anything nasty, they have to do it to Harry first.
Seven looked shocked. 'What have you done?"
The Smurf scowled at Seven, then picked up the bowl of pudding and started throwing it's contents at her. And no, the bowl of pudding did not suddenly freeze up, crack over and fall to the floor.
I bet Harry's enjoying this. *evil grin*
Seven yelped as icky pudding splattered all over her face and uniform. "Yuck! Stop it!" She reached out to grab the bowl of pudding from the Smurf.
The Smurf frowned and smashed the entire bowl smack in her face. Which was good, since she chose this moment to start screaming continuously. The pudding got into her mouth and kind of stopped it up. Ewwwww......
"What a mess," said the Smurf. He was about to turn Seven into a pink guinea pig when the wizards on the bridge locked the transporter on him and beamed him to join his fellow Smurfs.
And the wizards on the bridge watched in satisfaction as the Smurfs blew up the entire fleet of Borg cubes, taking themselves with it.
Meanwhile in Astrometrics, the influence of the Smurf dissolves and Harry returns to his original form... practically doing a mouth-to-mouth with Seven.
Ohhhhhhhh, boy.....
We now return you to the Alpha Quadrant...
[DEATH STAR BRIDGE]
Obi-Wan stared in shock at the spot which was once occupied by Smurfs. "What have you done with them?"
"Oh..." said Q devilishly, "I just gave them a little tour of the Delta Quadrant."
[At this point of time an irate member of the audience (whose identity I will not reveal because I'm kind) stands up and yells that I should finish the part about Harry and Seven. Well I won't, so there! Finish it in whatever way you want. Use your own imagination. Write your own piece of fan fic. And no, threatening me with that phaser rifle won't work, person-whose-identity-I-won't-reveal-beacuse-- ah, heck, who know who you are, Kate!]
[Anyway, back to the story....]
Bill Gates shrugged and continued. 'And so, my young Padawan learner, let me instruct you in the merits of keeping a pigtail...."
"No," said Q, "Ponytail's better."
"Pigtail!'
"Ponytail!"
"Pigtail!"
"Ponytail!"
And so on..... Obi-Wan was beginning to get a huge headache. "Who should I believe?" he muttered to himself. Bill Gates... or this insane Q who got me into this in the first place?" He scratched his head. "I, well, maybe I don't know," said Obi-Wan hesitantly. "I think I'll adopt Picard's hairstyle."
The two Qs glared at him. "*Picard's* hairstyle??? And after all I've taught you...." They advanced on him murderously.
Obi-Wan gulped. "Uh-oh." Being cornered by one Math teacher-like superbeing is bad enough, but two is worse. Waaaay worse.
He decided to change his mind abruptly for a compromise. "Okay! I think both are equally good ideas! Maybe I'll get both!"
Q and Bill Gates glared at each other. "Both?!? This... is...war!!" said Bill Gates, growling at Q. "I'm going to flatten you!!!
I thought he'd made that pretty clear at the beginning.
The two begin rolling up thier sleeves. Obi-Wan, seeing his chance, disappears behind a chair. Deanna grabbed him from behind. 'I need your help."
Obi-Wan turned around, and saw her. "Deanna!" he said. 'I didn't know you were here." He beams at her.
Deanna returns the smile.
Something passes through the air between them....
Data breaks thier reverie. "Tell him about our plan."
Deanna breaks her gaze from Obi-Wan, the good mood spoilt. "We've manage to get the computer unstuck from the time-frozen thing, but we also figured out that the only way to remove the time distortions and to return everything back to normal was to blow up this entire fleet which would set off a chain reaction which would eradicate the Enterprise and the Heart-of-Gold- and it's crew."
Wait a minnit. Wasn't that what the Coruscant fleet was trying to acheive?
Obi-Wan looked shocked. 'But woulnd't that destroy Coruscant as well?"
Deanna looked down. "The planet will not be harmed." She gazed back intensely at Obi-Wan. "You must understand that this is the only way to save the galaxy from complete obliteration by the hands of Bill Gates. We will conduct the ultimate sacrifice."
Hmmm, I wonder what happened to the mean kid Deanna was talking about in the first instalment?
Obi-Wan paused for a moment and considered. "I guess so..." he sighed and looked at the viewscreen, where the two Qs were conducting a wrestle a la WWF. "My only regret is that I'll never accomplish my life-long goal of being able to download Shockwave...."
Data nodded, and began to key in the information to self destruct the fleet.
[ENTERPRISE BRIDGE]
The situation was seriously out of control. The combined effects of the epic battle of the Qs, the workings of the Improbability drive and the time distortions had its focal point on the bridge of the Enterprise. Beverly Crusher was *still* bashing Picard's brains out (that woman doesn't ever give up, does she?), all the phaser fodder (read: ensigns) were still frozen, a dozen univited bunnies were running aroung the bridge and Riker couldn't figure out a way to stop the viewscreen from repeating telecasts of Clinton's speeches.
Worst of all was the message from the Microsoft fleet, from Data, telling them that they had only ten minutes left to live.
Riker groaned. "I suppose we're supposed to break the bad news to the Heart of Gold," he muttered. He shook his head, typed in a message and sent it to the Heart of Gold. Then with a big sigh, he resigned himself to his fate.
But Geordi waasn't so easily beaten. "Our ship has twice as many shuttlecrafts as Voyager has," he pointed out. "If we could get our crew onto them we could escape."
Riker thought hard. He thought very hard. He thought as hard as one with a single-digit IQ could think. Finally, after 5 minutes, he said, "That's a good idea. Let's do it!" (5 minutes to go...)
Three minutes later Geordi announced that everyone was loaded on the shuttlecrafts and the escape pods.
"Launch them... all of them," said Riker.
"But, sir-" protested Geordi
"I said *launch them*. That's an *order*. Lieutenant." repeated Riker firmly, hands on hips and glaring in a sad imitation of Janeway's favourite pose. (okay, okay, I know, I'll try not to make so many Voyager references. *try*)
[Yoda appears and says, "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try."
Okay then, I'll pick "do not". *evil smirk*
[Kate appears in a flash of light and starts bonking me on the head. "How dare you?!?!?!?" she shrieks insanely. "I'll have your head-"]
Oops. Sorry for the digression. Back to the story....
Geordi announced that all the shuttlecraft and escape pods on the ship had been jettisoned.
Beverly stopped tormenting Picard to glare at Riker. "What?!? You didn't leave any for us?!?!" Whereupon she turned on him and started beating his head in instead.
Picard stood up (he's still alive? this guy has got endurance!) and started wailing, "We're going to dieee! We're all going to di-i-i-i-i-iiiiiiie-"
Worf picked up a twentieth-century Maths textbook and threw it at Picard, who instantly crumpled in a dazed heap, and, more importantly, shut up. (says something about that textbook, doesn't it)
Two minutes.....
[HEART OF GOLD]
If things were going badly on the Enterprise, they couldn't have been worse on the Heart of Gold.
Firstly, they didn't have any shuttlecraft or escape pods. And even though they didn't have a CMO to engage in mortal combat with thier first mate, they did have Q and Bill Gates, dressed as Atropos and Clothos, conducting a wrestle across 50 dimensions on the bridge which was escalating the progress of the Improbability Drive.
Loud choral music sung in Sanskrit flooded in from the speakers, courtesy of the Enterprise.
"What's that?" asked Arthur Dent. "It sounds like a funeral piece."
The music crashed into a wild tempo as Q and Bill Gates promptly produced lightsabers and started thier dueling with fresh rancor. Zaphod, Ford Prefect, Trillian and Arthur scrambled out of the way of the humming, slashing, devastating blades and perched miserably on the Improbabilty Drive, comtemplating thier last moments of life. Arthur noted with annoyed amusement that the improbabilty factor was approaching 42 infinity times 47 infinity.
The Duel of the Fates came to an abrupt halt as the space time continuum trembled and warped. Bill Gates and Q and the rest of the bridge's occupants stared in awe as the mighty and indomitable Q army appeared and started raining destruction down on the entire Coruscant sector. Arthur started groaning.
"What's the point? We'll gonna blow before they finish us anyway," said Ford Prefect glumly.
One minute...
[DEATH STAR BRIDGE]
Deanna, Obi-Wan and Data seemed to be the only ones left on the Death Star, It was silent on the bridge. The three huddled togther as if for warmth.
"Thirty seconds," annouced Data.
"You know something?" said Deanna softly to Obi-Wan. "If I'm going to die here, I'm glad I get to die with you."
Obi-Wan nodded. "Me too," he said softly.
"Twenty seconds," announced Data.
"And I'm sorry I was mean to you in the beginning," she added.
Obi-Wan grinned a little. "Me too," he nodded.
Deanna turned to Data. "Data? I would like to thank you for the years of service we spent together. They were most enjoyable."
"Thank you, Commander," said Data gravely, nodding (what is it that they have with nodding?!?). "It is unfortunate that we cannot say our appropriate farewells our comrades on the Enterprise in the ten seconds we have left."
"Ten seconds," whispered Deanna softly.
Obi-Wan gazed out at the energy bolts dancing outside the ship. "And I had so much I planned to do in life..." Grow a ponytail, turn Anakin to the Dark Side, be a hermit on a dustball for twenty years....
"Five seconds."
"Four."
"Three."
"Two."
"One."
Deanna squeezed her eyes tightly shut.
"Zero."
[CORUSCANT FLEET]
There was a bright ghastly light which enveloped Coruscant and washed its bright actinic glare over it. When the light had faded, everything was the same as it was before. Except for a few little things, as Obi-Wan was about to find out.
He opened his eyes and was confused. He was lying in the Coruscant Medical Centre. A Jedi Master was waiting for him. Obi-Wan felt really lost. He last remebered trying to take minutes of a Jedi Council meeting. Then there had been this bright flash of light... and now he was here. He looked down at himself. Strange. He had envisioned himself being smaller than that... He shurugged, and turned to face the Jedi Master. "Where is Master Yoda?" he asked.
The Jedi Master looked him in the eye. "Master Yoda will no longer coach you. He has been elected to the head of the new Jedi Council."
"The *new* Jedi Council?" said Obi-Wan tentatively. Oh no, he thought, don't tell me my downloading Shockwave had something to do with that....
The Master nodded. "There was an .... unfortunate accident and the entire Jedi Council has apparently disappeared."
"Oh." said Obi-Wan. At least it isn't my fault, he thought. He suddenly remembered a resolution he had once made to keep a ponytail and a pigtail and decided that from now on he would do that even though it wa a weird notion. "Then who will be my new master?" he asked.
The Jedi Master turned to look at him, muttering something about "leaving the trouble to the troublesome" before replying.
"Master Qui-Gon Jinn."
[ENTERPRISE BRIDGE]
Picard blinked. Q was on the bridge and everything was back to normal. Beverly was no longer acting like a crazed woman. The ensigns were unfrozen. The bunnies were gone. Data and Deanna were back and whole. They were alive!
"Well," he remarked. "What just happened?"
Q appeared on the bridge, looking rather pleased with himself. "Aha, mon captiane, it seems to me that' you've lost your nice new pink hair."
Picard glowered at Q. "Yes, I remember *that*, thank you very much. And I can't tell you how much I'd just love to wring your neck for getting me so totally bashed up I have to spend five weeks in sickbay."
Beverly smirked at him. "Are you sure you *really* want to do that?"
"In stasis," he added hastily.
Q shrugged. "Well, we could sit here arguing the whole day, or I could tell you what actually happened."
Picard sighed. "Okay. So what happened?"
Q smiled. "Well, it seems that one of our kind had implemented a failsafe in the Improbability Drive which reverted everything back to normal. His name was Steve Jobs."
"Job...." muttered Picard, trying to think of Bible references. "What kind of failsafe anyway?"
"Well the Improbability Factor reached a point so high that the most improbable thing that could happen was that everything returned to normal, and since it was the correct probability in that frame of time, it did." said Q.
"What?" said Picard, confused.
Q groaned. 'You are *so* dim, mon capitane. "In other words, it turned itself off."
"And of Bill Gates?" asked Picard hesitantly.
"Oh, him." Q smirked. "To punish him further, the Q Continuum returned him to the twenthieth century and gave his company a lawsuit." [insert evil laughter here]
Picard nodded.
"And what of the Heart of Gold?"
"Back to where it was... minus a little piece of equipment." said Q. "But don't ask. I just donated it some people whom I'd thought would need it..."
Picard rolled his eyes. "Oh great," he said. "Nevermind, at least it's over. Now, I'm going off for five weeks in stasis in sickbay... "
"Wait, mon capitane," said Q. "Do you really think I've finished with you yet?"
And with a poof of light, the whole senior crew found themselves in the officer's lounge,which was filled with all kinds of sumptuous food.
"Food..." said Q.
"Foood!" yelled Worf, and charged.
"Hold it," said Q, freezing Worf mid-air. He snapped his fingers and half the food turned to tribbles. Worf's frozen position managed to convey a sense of horror.
"Okay great, can we start eating now before the tribbles multiply?" asked Riker irritatedly. He reached for a food bun. Suddenly it shot up and smashd on his face. Simultaneously a tribble landed on Worf's head and shrieked loudly.
"You mortals never let me finish a sentence," said Q in irritation. "What I meant to say was....
"Food and tribble fight!"
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(you get the idea)
[EPILOGUE]
And so all was back to normal, except for a few other things, including the Death Star and a couple of Star Destroyers which was left hanging around to be discovered by a certain Senator Palpatine (now you know how a single one man fighter managed to destroy that thing. It's Microsoft!).
And also a little apology gift from Q to a certain starship out there who had been recently plagued by omnipotent Smurfs (no prize for guessing who. And stop glaring, Kate!) And thus the Improbabilty Drive caused the following to happen (in order of increasing improbabilty): 1)The Voyager got home. 2)Consoles no longer exploded in future episodes. 3)All shuttlecrafts developed not a single problem for te rest of the season. 4)Harry and Seven got married. (Happy now, Kate? Good! Now get that phaser rifle outta my back!)(Takes one look at Sandy moaning in agony on the floor) Oh well, it's always hard to please everyone when you're a writer.... And Worf was returned, seriously traumatised, to Deep Space Nine, where he had to undergo Tribble Recovery therapy with Bashir and Ezri for two whole weeks (there! a DS9 reference. Happy? And please please stop groaning Sandy).
[Kate appears and demands to know why I like Voyager so much]
Well that's because a certain cousin of mine is named after the captain *bwaa ha ha ha* no just kidding, the *real* reason is that if all the women on the Voyager teamed up to bash up the men the men would find themselves on the wrong end of an airlock *bwaa ha ha ha ha ha*
Well anyway to conclude the story Q decides to make everyone happy by , uh.... creating a dozen alternate universes with models to suit everyone's taste of perfection. (yay! I have found a way to please everyone) Thus they all lived happily ever after!
[THE END]
Bill Gates: That's what you think. I'll be back! *BWAA HA HA HA!*
This piece of fanfic was written by Lt Taya 17 Janeway aka TaTTooGaL in the year 1999 just before her prelims (so you can't blame her for all the crap becase she was not sane at that time.) I mean, what else could you have expected of something which began as a little bored doodling while waiting to download (what else?) Shockwave on my computer?
Live Long and Prosper followers of Syrup!
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THE STORY SO FAR: Bill Gates is an escaped renegade Q who is now intending to destroy Coruscant with his super large and powerful fleet of Star Destroyers and his Death Star. Meanwhile the Heart of Gold's Improbability Drive continues wreaking havoc by stopping time, five-year old Deanna Troi is trying to contact the captive five-year old Obi-Wan Kenobi to help her save the day with help from Data, also another captive... (it's a very very looooong story)
[ENTERPRISE BRIDGE]
The entire bridge was silent and frozen. So were all the ensigns. So were all the senior crew.
Picard was the first to thaw from the shock. "What in the world?"
Q shrugged. "Time has just stopped for this quadrant." He looked out of the window. "Pity, though. I'd like to see what those proton torpedoes out there could do to your puny ship...'
Picard growled at Q.
"Okay, okay, so maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea. I know, I know, you need my help..." he suddenly trailed off and stared into space.
The entire senior crew had unfrozen themselves now and were desperately trying to unfreeze the ensigns, but they were stuck in time (only sentient beings were spared, remember?) Picard, however, was more surprised by Q's sudden silence. "Q?"
"As do some other people," completed Q smugly before disappearing.
"Wha- what? Q? Come back!" wailed Picard. 'Come back! Don't leave me! Don't leave me! I need your help!" But Q was gone. And to make matters worse, his wailing drew Beverly's attention to him and she began attacking him with renewed vigour.
[DEATH STAR BRIDGE]
Luckily for Deanna, at least some stuff was working out for he. Bill Gates was distracted by Obi-Wan, whom, with Data's help, had broken loose, leaving her and Data alone to muck around with the ship's console.
"As I was saying," said Bill Gates amiably to Obi-Wan, "you should keep a nice long pigtail. It's the heigt of the fashion."
"But you don't have one," pointed out Obi-Wan.
Bill Gates shrugged. "Inconsequential." He snapped his fingers, and a huge long braid grew out of the back of his head. 'There! Now I have one! A queue for a Q!" He burst into maniacal laughter.
There was a bright flash of light and Q appeared on the bridge. "Did I hear you mention my name?" he asked sweetly.
The laughter ceased. "You!!!" raged Bill Gates. "I suppose you've come here to help them in thier escape plan." He gestured to Deanna and Data. "Well, you're not! Don't think I don't know what they're doing. They won't get anywhere. And *you're not helping them!!!!*"
"You know, Obi-Wan," said Q conspiratorily, "You should really get a ponytail instead of a pigtail. And dye your hair red."
Bill Gates raged. "Hey!!! He's MY student! Stop corrupting him!"
Just then a furious Jedi Council, lightsabers and all, beamed onto the bridge, ready to devastate it. Bill Gates, horrified but seeing his chance, turned them all into Smurfs with temporary Q powers.
Q, equally horrified, transported the Smurfs into another galaxy, another quadrant and another starship....
[VOYAGER BRIDGE]
Captain Janeway stared at the bunch of strange little blue creatures with white hats who suddenly appeared on her bridge. The newcomers looked confused for a second, then shrugged collectively and ran around singing a most irritating tune: "La la la la la la, la la la la la...."
Paris, at the helm, noticed that the intruders resembled the Smurfs of a certain 20th century animated series, and repressed a shudder.
Another volley of photon torpedoes rocked the bridge. Janeway groaned. "I don't have time for this," she muttered. "Of all times, we have to get strange irritating little visitors in the middle of a Borg attack."
Chakotay suggested that they beam the Smurfs into Borg space. Janeway agreed. "Tuvok, I want you to round up all those critters and beam them into the heart of the Borg fleet." I smell trouble brewing...
Within a minute the Smurfs were all off the ship.
Or so they thought.
"Captain," said Tuvok. "It seems that we only managed to get seven of the Smurfs off the ship. Two of them seem to have escaped."
Just then a smurf popped out from under the captain's chair. "Suprise!"
The Smurf beamed away under Tuvok's expert guidance.
"Well so that one's gone. And where is the other one?" asked Janeway. (Hey, she can count!)
Tuvok checked his console, then shrugged.
"He does not seem to have exited the bridge via the turbolift," said Tuvok. "It may be entirely possible that these creatures have supernatural powers that-"
"Enough of that," grumbled Janeway, feeling a raging headache coming on. "WHERE *IS* HE?"
Tuvok glanced significantly at his captain before answering.
"Astrometrics Lab."
[ASTROMETRICS LAB]
Harry Kim frowned, unsure of what to do with thier blue-skinned, singing unwelcome visitor. "Uh, hello." he said uncertainly. The Smurf didn't so much as look at him, so Harry stepped in front of the Smurf and said. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"
The Smurf glared at him. "How wude."
Harry Kim turned into a bowl of pudding.
Would you know it? If the Smurfs are going to do anything nasty, they have to do it to Harry first.
Seven looked shocked. 'What have you done?"
The Smurf scowled at Seven, then picked up the bowl of pudding and started throwing it's contents at her. And no, the bowl of pudding did not suddenly freeze up, crack over and fall to the floor.
I bet Harry's enjoying this. *evil grin*
Seven yelped as icky pudding splattered all over her face and uniform. "Yuck! Stop it!" She reached out to grab the bowl of pudding from the Smurf.
The Smurf frowned and smashed the entire bowl smack in her face. Which was good, since she chose this moment to start screaming continuously. The pudding got into her mouth and kind of stopped it up. Ewwwww......
"What a mess," said the Smurf. He was about to turn Seven into a pink guinea pig when the wizards on the bridge locked the transporter on him and beamed him to join his fellow Smurfs.
And the wizards on the bridge watched in satisfaction as the Smurfs blew up the entire fleet of Borg cubes, taking themselves with it.
Meanwhile in Astrometrics, the influence of the Smurf dissolves and Harry returns to his original form... practically doing a mouth-to-mouth with Seven.
Ohhhhhhhh, boy.....
We now return you to the Alpha Quadrant...
[DEATH STAR BRIDGE]
Obi-Wan stared in shock at the spot which was once occupied by Smurfs. "What have you done with them?"
"Oh..." said Q devilishly, "I just gave them a little tour of the Delta Quadrant."
[At this point of time an irate member of the audience (whose identity I will not reveal because I'm kind) stands up and yells that I should finish the part about Harry and Seven. Well I won't, so there! Finish it in whatever way you want. Use your own imagination. Write your own piece of fan fic. And no, threatening me with that phaser rifle won't work, person-whose-identity-I-won't-reveal-beacuse-- ah, heck, who know who you are, Kate!]
[Anyway, back to the story....]
Bill Gates shrugged and continued. 'And so, my young Padawan learner, let me instruct you in the merits of keeping a pigtail...."
"No," said Q, "Ponytail's better."
"Pigtail!'
"Ponytail!"
"Pigtail!"
"Ponytail!"
And so on..... Obi-Wan was beginning to get a huge headache. "Who should I believe?" he muttered to himself. Bill Gates... or this insane Q who got me into this in the first place?" He scratched his head. "I, well, maybe I don't know," said Obi-Wan hesitantly. "I think I'll adopt Picard's hairstyle."
The two Qs glared at him. "*Picard's* hairstyle??? And after all I've taught you...." They advanced on him murderously.
Obi-Wan gulped. "Uh-oh." Being cornered by one Math teacher-like superbeing is bad enough, but two is worse. Waaaay worse.
He decided to change his mind abruptly for a compromise. "Okay! I think both are equally good ideas! Maybe I'll get both!"
Q and Bill Gates glared at each other. "Both?!? This... is...war!!" said Bill Gates, growling at Q. "I'm going to flatten you!!!
I thought he'd made that pretty clear at the beginning.
The two begin rolling up thier sleeves. Obi-Wan, seeing his chance, disappears behind a chair. Deanna grabbed him from behind. 'I need your help."
Obi-Wan turned around, and saw her. "Deanna!" he said. 'I didn't know you were here." He beams at her.
Deanna returns the smile.
Something passes through the air between them....
Data breaks thier reverie. "Tell him about our plan."
Deanna breaks her gaze from Obi-Wan, the good mood spoilt. "We've manage to get the computer unstuck from the time-frozen thing, but we also figured out that the only way to remove the time distortions and to return everything back to normal was to blow up this entire fleet which would set off a chain reaction which would eradicate the Enterprise and the Heart-of-Gold- and it's crew."
Wait a minnit. Wasn't that what the Coruscant fleet was trying to acheive?
Obi-Wan looked shocked. 'But woulnd't that destroy Coruscant as well?"
Deanna looked down. "The planet will not be harmed." She gazed back intensely at Obi-Wan. "You must understand that this is the only way to save the galaxy from complete obliteration by the hands of Bill Gates. We will conduct the ultimate sacrifice."
Hmmm, I wonder what happened to the mean kid Deanna was talking about in the first instalment?
Obi-Wan paused for a moment and considered. "I guess so..." he sighed and looked at the viewscreen, where the two Qs were conducting a wrestle a la WWF. "My only regret is that I'll never accomplish my life-long goal of being able to download Shockwave...."
Data nodded, and began to key in the information to self destruct the fleet.
[ENTERPRISE BRIDGE]
The situation was seriously out of control. The combined effects of the epic battle of the Qs, the workings of the Improbability drive and the time distortions had its focal point on the bridge of the Enterprise. Beverly Crusher was *still* bashing Picard's brains out (that woman doesn't ever give up, does she?), all the phaser fodder (read: ensigns) were still frozen, a dozen univited bunnies were running aroung the bridge and Riker couldn't figure out a way to stop the viewscreen from repeating telecasts of Clinton's speeches.
Worst of all was the message from the Microsoft fleet, from Data, telling them that they had only ten minutes left to live.
Riker groaned. "I suppose we're supposed to break the bad news to the Heart of Gold," he muttered. He shook his head, typed in a message and sent it to the Heart of Gold. Then with a big sigh, he resigned himself to his fate.
But Geordi waasn't so easily beaten. "Our ship has twice as many shuttlecrafts as Voyager has," he pointed out. "If we could get our crew onto them we could escape."
Riker thought hard. He thought very hard. He thought as hard as one with a single-digit IQ could think. Finally, after 5 minutes, he said, "That's a good idea. Let's do it!" (5 minutes to go...)
Three minutes later Geordi announced that everyone was loaded on the shuttlecrafts and the escape pods.
"Launch them... all of them," said Riker.
"But, sir-" protested Geordi
"I said *launch them*. That's an *order*. Lieutenant." repeated Riker firmly, hands on hips and glaring in a sad imitation of Janeway's favourite pose. (okay, okay, I know, I'll try not to make so many Voyager references. *try*)
[Yoda appears and says, "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try."
Okay then, I'll pick "do not". *evil smirk*
[Kate appears in a flash of light and starts bonking me on the head. "How dare you?!?!?!?" she shrieks insanely. "I'll have your head-"]
Oops. Sorry for the digression. Back to the story....
Geordi announced that all the shuttlecraft and escape pods on the ship had been jettisoned.
Beverly stopped tormenting Picard to glare at Riker. "What?!? You didn't leave any for us?!?!" Whereupon she turned on him and started beating his head in instead.
Picard stood up (he's still alive? this guy has got endurance!) and started wailing, "We're going to dieee! We're all going to di-i-i-i-i-iiiiiiie-"
Worf picked up a twentieth-century Maths textbook and threw it at Picard, who instantly crumpled in a dazed heap, and, more importantly, shut up. (says something about that textbook, doesn't it)
Two minutes.....
[HEART OF GOLD]
If things were going badly on the Enterprise, they couldn't have been worse on the Heart of Gold.
Firstly, they didn't have any shuttlecraft or escape pods. And even though they didn't have a CMO to engage in mortal combat with thier first mate, they did have Q and Bill Gates, dressed as Atropos and Clothos, conducting a wrestle across 50 dimensions on the bridge which was escalating the progress of the Improbability Drive.
Loud choral music sung in Sanskrit flooded in from the speakers, courtesy of the Enterprise.
"What's that?" asked Arthur Dent. "It sounds like a funeral piece."
The music crashed into a wild tempo as Q and Bill Gates promptly produced lightsabers and started thier dueling with fresh rancor. Zaphod, Ford Prefect, Trillian and Arthur scrambled out of the way of the humming, slashing, devastating blades and perched miserably on the Improbabilty Drive, comtemplating thier last moments of life. Arthur noted with annoyed amusement that the improbabilty factor was approaching 42 infinity times 47 infinity.
The Duel of the Fates came to an abrupt halt as the space time continuum trembled and warped. Bill Gates and Q and the rest of the bridge's occupants stared in awe as the mighty and indomitable Q army appeared and started raining destruction down on the entire Coruscant sector. Arthur started groaning.
"What's the point? We'll gonna blow before they finish us anyway," said Ford Prefect glumly.
One minute...
[DEATH STAR BRIDGE]
Deanna, Obi-Wan and Data seemed to be the only ones left on the Death Star, It was silent on the bridge. The three huddled togther as if for warmth.
"Thirty seconds," annouced Data.
"You know something?" said Deanna softly to Obi-Wan. "If I'm going to die here, I'm glad I get to die with you."
Obi-Wan nodded. "Me too," he said softly.
"Twenty seconds," announced Data.
"And I'm sorry I was mean to you in the beginning," she added.
Obi-Wan grinned a little. "Me too," he nodded.
Deanna turned to Data. "Data? I would like to thank you for the years of service we spent together. They were most enjoyable."
"Thank you, Commander," said Data gravely, nodding (what is it that they have with nodding?!?). "It is unfortunate that we cannot say our appropriate farewells our comrades on the Enterprise in the ten seconds we have left."
"Ten seconds," whispered Deanna softly.
Obi-Wan gazed out at the energy bolts dancing outside the ship. "And I had so much I planned to do in life..." Grow a ponytail, turn Anakin to the Dark Side, be a hermit on a dustball for twenty years....
"Five seconds."
"Four."
"Three."
"Two."
"One."
Deanna squeezed her eyes tightly shut.
"Zero."
[CORUSCANT FLEET]
There was a bright ghastly light which enveloped Coruscant and washed its bright actinic glare over it. When the light had faded, everything was the same as it was before. Except for a few little things, as Obi-Wan was about to find out.
He opened his eyes and was confused. He was lying in the Coruscant Medical Centre. A Jedi Master was waiting for him. Obi-Wan felt really lost. He last remebered trying to take minutes of a Jedi Council meeting. Then there had been this bright flash of light... and now he was here. He looked down at himself. Strange. He had envisioned himself being smaller than that... He shurugged, and turned to face the Jedi Master. "Where is Master Yoda?" he asked.
The Jedi Master looked him in the eye. "Master Yoda will no longer coach you. He has been elected to the head of the new Jedi Council."
"The *new* Jedi Council?" said Obi-Wan tentatively. Oh no, he thought, don't tell me my downloading Shockwave had something to do with that....
The Master nodded. "There was an .... unfortunate accident and the entire Jedi Council has apparently disappeared."
"Oh." said Obi-Wan. At least it isn't my fault, he thought. He suddenly remembered a resolution he had once made to keep a ponytail and a pigtail and decided that from now on he would do that even though it wa a weird notion. "Then who will be my new master?" he asked.
The Jedi Master turned to look at him, muttering something about "leaving the trouble to the troublesome" before replying.
"Master Qui-Gon Jinn."
[ENTERPRISE BRIDGE]
Picard blinked. Q was on the bridge and everything was back to normal. Beverly was no longer acting like a crazed woman. The ensigns were unfrozen. The bunnies were gone. Data and Deanna were back and whole. They were alive!
"Well," he remarked. "What just happened?"
Q appeared on the bridge, looking rather pleased with himself. "Aha, mon captiane, it seems to me that' you've lost your nice new pink hair."
Picard glowered at Q. "Yes, I remember *that*, thank you very much. And I can't tell you how much I'd just love to wring your neck for getting me so totally bashed up I have to spend five weeks in sickbay."
Beverly smirked at him. "Are you sure you *really* want to do that?"
"In stasis," he added hastily.
Q shrugged. "Well, we could sit here arguing the whole day, or I could tell you what actually happened."
Picard sighed. "Okay. So what happened?"
Q smiled. "Well, it seems that one of our kind had implemented a failsafe in the Improbability Drive which reverted everything back to normal. His name was Steve Jobs."
"Job...." muttered Picard, trying to think of Bible references. "What kind of failsafe anyway?"
"Well the Improbability Factor reached a point so high that the most improbable thing that could happen was that everything returned to normal, and since it was the correct probability in that frame of time, it did." said Q.
"What?" said Picard, confused.
Q groaned. 'You are *so* dim, mon capitane. "In other words, it turned itself off."
"And of Bill Gates?" asked Picard hesitantly.
"Oh, him." Q smirked. "To punish him further, the Q Continuum returned him to the twenthieth century and gave his company a lawsuit." [insert evil laughter here]
Picard nodded.
"And what of the Heart of Gold?"
"Back to where it was... minus a little piece of equipment." said Q. "But don't ask. I just donated it some people whom I'd thought would need it..."
Picard rolled his eyes. "Oh great," he said. "Nevermind, at least it's over. Now, I'm going off for five weeks in stasis in sickbay... "
"Wait, mon capitane," said Q. "Do you really think I've finished with you yet?"
And with a poof of light, the whole senior crew found themselves in the officer's lounge,which was filled with all kinds of sumptuous food.
"Food..." said Q.
"Foood!" yelled Worf, and charged.
"Hold it," said Q, freezing Worf mid-air. He snapped his fingers and half the food turned to tribbles. Worf's frozen position managed to convey a sense of horror.
"Okay great, can we start eating now before the tribbles multiply?" asked Riker irritatedly. He reached for a food bun. Suddenly it shot up and smashd on his face. Simultaneously a tribble landed on Worf's head and shrieked loudly.
"You mortals never let me finish a sentence," said Q in irritation. "What I meant to say was....
"Food and tribble fight!"
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(you get the idea)
[EPILOGUE]
And so all was back to normal, except for a few other things, including the Death Star and a couple of Star Destroyers which was left hanging around to be discovered by a certain Senator Palpatine (now you know how a single one man fighter managed to destroy that thing. It's Microsoft!).
And also a little apology gift from Q to a certain starship out there who had been recently plagued by omnipotent Smurfs (no prize for guessing who. And stop glaring, Kate!) And thus the Improbabilty Drive caused the following to happen (in order of increasing improbabilty): 1)The Voyager got home. 2)Consoles no longer exploded in future episodes. 3)All shuttlecrafts developed not a single problem for te rest of the season. 4)Harry and Seven got married. (Happy now, Kate? Good! Now get that phaser rifle outta my back!)(Takes one look at Sandy moaning in agony on the floor) Oh well, it's always hard to please everyone when you're a writer.... And Worf was returned, seriously traumatised, to Deep Space Nine, where he had to undergo Tribble Recovery therapy with Bashir and Ezri for two whole weeks (there! a DS9 reference. Happy? And please please stop groaning Sandy).
[Kate appears and demands to know why I like Voyager so much]
Well that's because a certain cousin of mine is named after the captain *bwaa ha ha ha* no just kidding, the *real* reason is that if all the women on the Voyager teamed up to bash up the men the men would find themselves on the wrong end of an airlock *bwaa ha ha ha ha ha*
Well anyway to conclude the story Q decides to make everyone happy by , uh.... creating a dozen alternate universes with models to suit everyone's taste of perfection. (yay! I have found a way to please everyone) Thus they all lived happily ever after!
[THE END]
Bill Gates: That's what you think. I'll be back! *BWAA HA HA HA!*
This piece of fanfic was written by Lt Taya 17 Janeway aka TaTTooGaL in the year 1999 just before her prelims (so you can't blame her for all the crap becase she was not sane at that time.) I mean, what else could you have expected of something which began as a little bored doodling while waiting to download (what else?) Shockwave on my computer?
Live Long and Prosper followers of Syrup!