sweet3

Sweet Dreams, Voyager (Part 3)

A Voyager fanfic brought to you by TaTTooGaL aka fROzen Lt. 17 of 26 (MERSTS)

A Voyager fanfic brought to you by TaTTooGaL aka fROzen Lt. 17 of 26 (MERSTS)

The atmosphere in the briefing room is understandably tense. I stare out at the observation ports at the nine ships hovering menacingly in orbit. Arms clasped behind my back, I muse rhetorically, "Who are these beings, and why do they want Voyager?"

"Or to be more precise, how do they know about Voyager?" asks Tuvok, raising one eyebrow.

"I can only see one possibility," says B'Elanna heavily. "Irej and Nayr."

I turn and glance sharply at her. "You think it's them?"

"Who else could it be? They're the only ones other than the members of this crew who know about her existence." Her countenance grows strained, drawn. "They asked about everything on this ship, and I answered every question in painstaking detail."

I sigh. "Now is no time to start pointing fingers, Lieutenant Torres. No one here is to blame." I pace the room slowly, thinking. "What we need to do is address the problem at hand. How do we deal with this threat?"

Voyager faces me pointedly. "I can isolate myself from the computer subroutines," she says. "Then you could give me away to the bad guys."

"You couldn't do that!" Neelix gasps, horrified. "There's no knowing what they'll do to her!"

Seven cocks her head in thought. What she says next is tinged with a shade of reluctance. "I have to concur with Voyager. That would be, indeed, the simplest way out, and it would minimize the risk of loss of lives."

Tuvok nods. "Much as I dislike to portray the role of what you call the 'devil's advocate', I must agree with Seven. That would be the most logical course of action."

"No!" I say sharply. I turn to face my crew. "We have no way of knowing what these terrorists will do to us after we hand Voyager over." I sweep my gaze across the room. "Just as I will not hand any member of my crew over as ransom, neither will I hand over Voyager." I gaze at the girl, sitting tensely in my customary seat. "Over the years, I have come to consider this ship as part of our crew." I gently put my hand on her shoulder, and let more than a little emotion seep into my voice. "She's been our home for more than six years. Voyager's more than a ship… she's family." My voice drops to an impassioned whisper as I finish. Indeed, how could I ever fully express what I feel for my ship? Loyalty; pride; passion; love? None of those words seem to be able to bring out the depth and complexity of the emotions I attach to her.

Voyager's eyes shine. "Thank you," she says softly, "but there's no other way out."

"There is always another way out," I tell her firmly.

Her brow furrows as she thinks. She takes a deep breath and glances hesitantly at me, distress in her eyes. Briefly I wonder what kind of emotional turmoil she is going through. For someone who has spent all but six and a half years in existence, she seems to be handling the situation pretty well.

"There… might be another way out. If we can conceal our warp trail, mask it, then they can't follow us if we leave the system. We could hide awhile in the plasma storms, then leave."

It is a valid suggestion, but I won't accept it. "There has to be some way other than running." I continue my pacing of the room. "We can't just leave the Esabrats alone with these… hyenas. We've got to find some way to eliminate this threat."

Voyager glances at me, her voice trembling. "Why can't we? If we're gone there's no reason for them to attack the Esabrat. It would just waste their time. Why can't we just leave?"

I glance firmly at Voyager. "Because the Esabrat have been nothing but kind to us, and they deserve a favor from us." I walk back to address her. "We can't let them down."

"Captain," says Kim, with a slight touch of unease, "you're suggesting a direct confrontation."

"Yes," I reply.

"With nine ships. All bigger than we are," remark Paris.

I glare at him. "It can be done. The bigger they come, Mr. Paris."

Voyager seems to be seething with rage. "Why must we fight?" she protests. "I'm tired of fighting! I'm always fighting, and it hurts!"

"Sometimes there is no alternative to violence-" I begin gently, but she interrupts me with a shout.

"Yes there are! You said so yourself!" She jumps out of the seat and glares at me, her voice trembling with hurt and anger. "And I thought you cared about me!"

"I do," I say softly, desperately, trying to reason with her. It pains me to see her like this, but she won't let me continue. It's as if six and a half years of unspent frustrations and fear have come welling up.

"Then why don't you show it? If not for you I wouldn't be fighting every other day! I wouldn't even be stranded here… You care more about other people… strangers… more than you care about your own ship! I haven't been to a decent starbase for as long as I can remember… and I'm always in battle!" Her face red, she thrusts an arm out at me. "Look at what you've done to me!" And for the first time, I notice that her skin is criss-crossed with scars of various shapes, sizes and age.

She storms out of the room, brushing past me hard. I take a few breaths, my blood pounding, and sink into my chair. I place my head in my hands and try to calm down, but a torrent of violent emotions tears through my mind, and I can't focus.

"Captain?" Chakotay whispers my name softly.

I risk a glance up to look at Chakotay's face, still pale and tired from the effects of the hangover. Everyone is looking at me in undisguised concern. "I'm… I'll be fine," I say, my voice cracking. I stand up again and lean against the table with trembling hands. "I'll adjourn the meeting till later. Dismissed."

Nobody moves, except Chakotay. He comes around towards me and places his arm around my shoulders. "It's alright, Kathryn," he says softly, "I don't think she meant it. She was just throwing a tantrum." He grips my shoulder, hard. "You've been a wonderful captain for all of us, and nobody doubts that. You've taken us so far, and we're still all right. I know we'll make it."

I look away, staring down at the carpet. "I thought it was hard on the crew when I stranded the ship in this quadrant… but I didn't realize that it would be hardest on the ship…" I feel bitter, angry once again. Angry at the universe for leaving me here, with all the decisions I have to make; that I don't want to make. I haven't felt this anger for a long time now, not since I came to accept my fate in the Delta Quadrant in good stride. It's times like this that I really feel like crying.

"No," says Chakotay, as if he could read my thoughts. "If this quadrant has been hard on anyone, it's you, Kathryn." He pauses. "You've got so many inner demons of your own, but you've got to suppress them, to present a brave face to your crew. All these years of responsibility, decisions and loss… you had to bear them all silently." He holds me tighter. "But it's alright to cry once in a while. You've wanted to cry for so long now. You can cry, Kathryn. Let it all out."

I don't know what to say. I feel terrible. So I do as he says. I clutch him tightly, and cry.

It feels good. Along with the flood come accumulated years of pent-up frustrations, worries, setbacks and anger. Chakotay is right. So many inner demons bottled up inside one small woman. Too many demons.

I heard his voice as if from a distance. "You're all dismissed." He's trying to protect me, trying not to let all the crew see me like this. But I don't really care. Maybe it's all for the better. The crew need to learn- need to know- that their captain, too, is human.

Gradually my sobs subside, leaving me feeling somewhat light and hollow. I extricate myself gently from Chakotay's grasp. The expurgation seems to have changed something about the ship; it looks brighter, clearer somehow. Unclouded by years of the real world.

The briefing room is empty except for the two of us. I have no idea how long we've been here, but it seemed like forever. It seems impossible that mere hours ago I was on the surface of Tri'hsder, enjoying myself in a state of blissful ignorance. It seems like another life.

I smile wanly at Chakotay. "Thank you," I say softly.

His responding smile is crooked. "I'll always be here if you need me."

I nod, smiling slightly more bravely now. "Then I should thank my lucky stars that I've got such a good shoulder to cry on." I reach over and squeeze his hand. Gazing at him, I find a spark of mutual understanding in his eyes.

I sit in the holodeck, carefully sorting my thoughts out. I don't feel angry anymore; instead I feel sorry. And sad. I'm not even monitoring my activities anymore. I want to cut myself off from the rest of the world, if only for a while.

I've activated the Leonardo DaVinci program that Kathryn likes so much. Just thinking of her makes me feel guilty. So I sit here and try not to think of anyone. It's very difficult. I'm making something out of clay to help me focus my attentions elsewhere.

But it's still very hard.

I finish the clay sculpture and pit it aside. It isn't helping. Uneasily I glance towards the door, wondering if I should go out and look for Kathryn.

The door slides open and Kathryn is standing there. I look away.

She comes in and sits beside me. I have to look at her. Her face is red and puffy, like she's been crying a lot. I feel guilty. She says hi. I say nothing.

You're right, she says heavily at last. Maybe there is another way. I'm going down planetside to speak with Nartleb Trebor, and see if I can find out more about Ennaxor Noswad. To see if we can work something out.

I look at the floor and say nothing.

She puts her hand on my shoulder gently. Voyager, she says softly, I'm sorry about… everything. Maybe you have a point. Sometimes I make the wrong decisions. She grips my shoulder hard, desperately. Please forgive me, she says softly. I'm only human.

I say nothing, but I pick up the clay flower I've been working on and give it to her.

She takes it. Is it for me? she asks.

I nod silently.

She cradles it gently in her hand. It's beautiful, she says softly.

She puts the flower down and gives me a short hug. I'm going down to the planet now, she says. Take care. Then she picks the flower up and leaves.

I watch as the doors slide close behind her back. Then I say, you too.

I head down to the transporter room with Tuvok. Crewman Chell, the Bolian security officer, will accompany me to the surface. As I walk I feel Tuvok's gaze on me. Finally I hold my hand up and stop. "What is it, Tuvok?"

He faces me squarely. "Captain, with all due respect, I do not feel that you are… emotionally fit to conduct these negotiations. You should be resting."

I smile at him. "Tuvok, I appreciate your concern, but I'm alright. Besides," I add, "I owe Voyager this much. At least."

Tuvok nods. He understands. For that I am glad. I resume the pace, mentally reviewing all that I have to discuss with Nartleb Trebor. I am in dress uniform, which always bothers me a little because it's so cumbersome. I couldn't run very far in this uniform if I wanted to.

Chakotay and Chell are already in the transporter room, waiting for me. Chakotay smiles when he sees me. He hands me a padd. "Here is the agreed agenda of the meeting," he says. I nod and accept the padd, stepping onto the transporter platform with Chell. The blue-skinned crewman seems to be restless with some kind of nervous energy. I cannot blame him; we are beaming down to a planet that is just as good as interdicted, with nine gargantuan vessels orbiting overhead to wipe us off its surface as soon as we make a wrong move.

"Ambassador Nartleb has provided us coordinates to beam to," he tells me. "It's a brief walk to the planetary embassy, about five hundred meters." He keeps up the banter to distract me from my anxieties as he keys in the coordinates and prepares for beamdown. "Communications will be limited to a single encrypted channel in the event that the terrorists are monitoring planetbound frequencies."

I make a sound of acknowledgement as Chakotay hits the Energize button. As the walls of the Voyager fade away, I hear his voice, saying, "Good luck, Captain…"

I materialize in the middle of Tri'hsder's famed Istana Park. To my surprise, Ambassador Nartleb is there, waiting for us, with an entire diplomatic corps with him. He bows deeply in Esabrat fashion. "Captain Janeway. I am honored by your presence yet again."

I smile graciously as diplomacy dictates. "As am I."

He gestures in the direction of the embassy. "Shall we proceed?" I nod.

Our whole contingent moves towards the embassy in a brisk, almost urgent pace. I note their general disregard for formality, a marked change from our last encounter. War does ugly things to people.

Nartleb slows his pace to walk by me. He leans close to talk, dropping his voice to a mere whisper. "I'm sorry we have to meet in these conditions again. You see, these attackers…. They're fairly legendary in their right. They're comprised of renegades, people who disagree with our peaceful way of life. We had a brief war with them years ago, and overcame them by sheer numbers. They fled to the aachi moridoka, and they've been hiding there ever since. Off and on they've caused a few problems, and occasionally we've had a few... unpleasant encounters. But nothing of this scale."

"It seems that the appearance of the Voyager has sparked this confrontation."

"I would say so." Nartleb looks troubled. "They're desperate for new technology, Captain Janeway. Theirs is outmoded and inadequate, and they might not survive long without acquiring new ones. And if I know them, they're willing to try anything when they're desperate."

"What are you trying to say?" I ask him, not liking the portentous tone of his voice.

He frowns, clearly upset. "What I'm saying, Captain Janeway, is that we should proceed with the utmost caution."

"A wise piece of advice, no doubt," I mutter darkly.

It's been quite a while since Kathryn beamed down to the planet. I wander the decks, rapidly checking on the progress of the repairs on the hull breach. The burn on my arm is healing nicely. Some crewmembers nod at me in recognition as I pass them in the corridors.

Someone is following me. I track the person with the internal sensors, and decide that it is Naomi Wildman, the only other person here who's younger than I am. I pause and turn back. She quickly shrinks and hides in a doorjamb, which doesn't help much, because the doors open and she stumbles inside. I hold the doors open and approach the door.

Naomi looks at me with interest. I look back, and we say nothing for a while.

Finally she speaks. You're the ship, she says.

I nod. I'm Voyager. And you're Naomi Wildman.

She grins. Seven told me about you.

I know.

What's it like, being the ship and everything?

I shrug. I don't know, I say. Weird, mostly.

She frowns. How weird?

I don't know how to explain everything to her. It's like… I know everything about me. And everything that goes on around me. I shrug again. I don't know what being human is like either. Why don't you tell me?

Naomi thinks. Weird too, I guess. Like… she pauses to think more. You have to learn stuff and everything. You don't just know it. And you can get hurt, and you make mistakes all the time. One corner of her mouth quirks up. It's awful, actually.

I get hurt too, and I make mistakes, I point out. And I have to learn some stuff too.

Naomi smiles. Then I guess we're not that different after all.

I was going to the mess hall, I say. Want to come?

Naomi nods, and she takes my hand. Together we go to the mess hall.

Most of the bridge crew are seated at one table when we get to the mess hall. B'Elanna sees us coming, and waves us over. There is a gap between Seven and B'Elanna, and that's where Naomi and I sit. Naomi Wildman, Voyager, says Seven in greeting.

They are all looking at me in concern. How are you feeling? asks Chakotay.

Okay, I tell him. I'm not upset anymore. I raise my arm to show B'Elanna. See, the burn's nearly gone. I bet it won't even leave a scar.

She smiles and pats my arm, but she has more to say. I hope you didn't mean whatever you said to the captain in the briefing room, she tells me.

You hurt her, says Tom. A lot.

I clamp my lips into a thin line, not knowing what to say.

She works very hard to keep the ship- you- in one piece, says Harry. She'll give up anything- even her own life, if it means it can save you.

I know, I say slowly.

B'Elanna gives me a sympathizing look. Nobody blames you for what you did, Voyager, she says. Everyone gets angry at times. But… she winces a little, like she remembers something she doesn't want to, …you must learn how to express that anger in as nice a way as possible.

Seven nods. I concur, she says. When dealing with humans, a great deal of tact is sometimes required.

Naomi looks confused. What are you talking about? She asks. What happened?

I got angry in the briefing room and yelled Kathryn in front of everyone else, I tell her. Her eyes widen.

And she's run away? Is that why she's not here?

Chakotay laughs briefly. The captain doesn't run away from things, Naomi. She's gone down to the planet to talk to the Ambassador.

So we can solve the problem! Naomi says brightly.

Hopefully, yes, mumbles Harry.

I feel troubled once again. Okay, I finally say, I am sorry for throwing a tantrum. I'll apologize to Kathryn when she comes back, okay?

Smiles break out across the table. B'Elanna pats me on the back. That's the spirit! She says.

Chakotay's commbadge beeps. Before he answers it, I suddenly know what happened. Tuvok is on the bridge. He's hailing Chakotay. And we're receiving a transmission from the planet- from the away team, probably. I tense, and Naomi gives me an odd look.

Chakotay taps his commbadge. Chakotay here.

Commander, you are required on the bridge at once. Something's happened to the captain.

The negotiations take much longer than planned. I've been in the embassy for a full hour, yet all we've established so far are the identities of the attackers and the nature of their attacks. The negotiations take place in a high domed room, with numerous windows opening out to the splendor of the lakes below. All the delegates and myself are seated around a large circular bronze table in the middle of the room. I try to rush the talks, try to get more information from the Esabrat delegation. But the stress of the past few hours are showing, and they are agitated and distracted. The Esabrats are a peaceful people, and the prospect of war rattles them.

"I simply see no alternative to submitting to their demands," says Toorf, one of the jumpier delegates. "Everything else is going to lead to bloodshed."

"What, and let them get their hands on Voyager's technology? Who knows what they'll do after that!" exclaims Ekez, another delegate, slapping his hand on the table in emphasis.

"Gentlemen," I say, standing up to catch their attention. The table hushes as the delegates listen. "Ekez has a point. Conceding to their demands wouldn't solve anything; it'd just aggravate the matter. Besides, like it or not, I'm not giving up my ship to them in any form."

"Then what do you propose?" asks Larimda Bas, the vice-head of planetary affairs. "That you and your ship just leave?"

Ekez catches on the point at once. "Yes! Then the renegades would have no reason for any aggression."

Yihk'nn R'mt, one of the younger delegates, nods in agreement. "Your ship would surely be no match for theirs in terms of speed."

I shake my head firmly. "I don't like running from things, Yihk'nn," I tell him, "or else I wouldn't be here. I want to help you eliminate this threat, once and for all."

Toorf frowns. "How very noble."

Nartleb spreads his hands outwards in a gesture of gratitude. "We appreciate your kind gesture, Captain Janeway, but there is really no need for you to risk your ship for us. You should take your ship and leave while you still can."

"You've done a lot for our ship," I tell him. "We owe you this much."

"There is… another possibility," says Neeuq Grob, the only female in the whole delegation. "Irej did mention that your ship is highly adapted to traverse plasma storms. You could… draw them into the plasma storms and destroy them."

Yihk'nn gives Neeuq and incredulous glance. "Even with maximum modifications, the level of radiation inside those storms are going to destroy the ship's superstructure, if it doesn't kill them first!"

"Even so, the Voyager would have a marked advantage over the renegade ships," argues Neeuq.

"So, Irej and Nayr are on our side, it seems," mutters Chell.

Ekez shrugs. "Irej reported back after he'd finished on your ship, but Nayr disappeared."

I am about to comment when a member of the Esabrat security dashes into the room. She points to me. "Get her out of here, now!"

"What is it, Alemap?" asks Nartleb in alarm.

"Intruders! Evacuate- now!"

Chell immediately jumps to his feet, unhitching a compression phaser rifle from his hazard suit. He stands alert, ready to protect me.

Nartleb seizes my hand. "Come this way with me, Captain Janeway! They won't find us." He leads me to one of the walls, and touches a specific spot on it. A doorway shimmers open- part of the walls are holographic. The rest of the delegation falls behind me, to form some kind of human fort. Chell stays by my side, rifle ready. "We'll go someplace safe- the underground caverns, perhaps."

He leads me through a courtyard down a wide paved pathway, shaded by the sun. Security sensors blink red from every pillar. Sounds of shots erupt from behind.

Renegades dressed in black burst from the holographic doorway, rifles blazing. Immediately Chell jumps behind me and covers me as he fires back. The delegation, too, has pulled small hand weapons, but they are obviously unaccustomed to using them.

Nartleb turns- and freezes in horror. "Behind you, Captain Janeway!" He shouts.

I turn, drawing my hand phaser, but it is too late. A renegade has his own weapon trained on me, and he fires. I feel something sting my neck, and a burning sensation spreads from it. The world begins to fade into blackness around me. So this is death, I think. It feels strangely peaceful, like floating. I tried my best, Voyager. I am so sorry.

Then, nothingness.