Bitter

by HotIce

Akane finds out about P-chan, but the what happens afterward and it's after effects are the last thing anyone would have expected.

Bittertext

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 and all characters pertaining to belong to Rumiko
Takahashi. They aren't mine, I don't claim them, I am not making a cent
off of this nor will I try, so don't sue. I'm posting this fic. I'm not the author. author's email will be at the end of the fic.

It's cold.
It's cloudy too. Everything looks gray.
It reminds me of the day of the funeral. It was cold then, windy and
cloudy and dark. I remember thinking how the flowers looked so bright
compared to everything else…too bright. They looked fake, like the ones
people buy to put in their houses so they don't have to water them or
anything. The ones that are just plastic and dye, not real flowers at all.
It made me mad, because I knew he wouldn't have liked something fake like
that.
Not that what I felt mattered. It's not like it would've made a
difference.
I don't know what would've made a difference. I tried to…but it went all
wrong.
I know it went wrong. I know when it started to go wrong. I know how it
did.
It's the why I can't figure out.
I go over it every day, in my mind. Looking for a reason…
But I can't find one.
It started about six months ago, on a bright, sunny day. It was in the
early fall, and the air was just starting to get that brisk autumn chill
in it though the leaves hadn't even started to turn. That was the day
Ryoga had gotten back into town after a really long absence, the day it
all began. The day it all began to end.
* * * * * * * * *
"Ranma."
Ranma jumped slightly at the sound of Nabiki's voice. She hadn't shouted
his name, which meant she probably wanted a private conversation with
him—and that had yet to be a good thing. He started to turn, a wary look
already on his face.
"Whaddaya wa-…" Ranma started to say, but the middle Tendo sister's
expression made him halt in mid-sentence. Her eyes were narrowed in
barely-concealed anger, and her mouth was tight thin line.
"I think I saw Ryoga go past a little while ago," Nabiki said through
clenched teeth.
"He did?" Ranma said, a little disbelievingly. Ryoga had been gone for a
long time, six or eight weeks at least, and Ranma had been wondering where
he was. "Wait a sec," the pigtailed boy said. "He walked past but didn't
stop…?"
"No," Nabiki said coolly. "I assume he was going home. Why don't you go
and get him?"
Ranma looked at her oddly, wondering what had her so visibly ticked off
and why she was suddenly so interested in Ryoga. "Well if he kept goin'
then he probably doesn't want to drop in for a visit," he said.
Nabiki appeared to be struggling to keep calm. "Probably not," she agreed.
"But I'd like to have a little word with him. So why don't you do me a
favor and go get him?"
Ranma felt gears turning in his mind. Nabiki was uncharacteristically
angry. And she wanted to talk to Ryoga. Something here did not quite click
properly…Nabiki rarely got mad and let it show, and Ryoga rarely did
anything to make anyone really angry, let alone a girl he almost never
spoke to. Whatever was going on to have produced the situation couldn't be
good.
"Alright," Ranma said, deciding that the best way to find out what was
going on was to let it play out. "But I can't help wonderin' why you wanna
talk to Ryoga of all people."
Nabiki waved him off. "You'll find out, if you go and get him."
Enough said. Ranma took off out the door and up onto the wall surrounding
the property, looking up and down the street just in case Ryoga had
circled himself back around like he did sometimes. But there was no sign
of the Lost Boy. Shrugging, Ranma bounded onto a nearby rooftop and headed
towards the street where Ryoga lived (technically), keeping an eye out in
case the probable was happening and Ryoga was still wandering on the
streets somewhere.
A few minutes later, Ranma was standing on the porch of the Hibiki home,
wondering if he should bother to knock since Ryoga probably wasn't even
there, when the door slid open.
"Ranma," Ryoga said, obviously less than overjoyed to see the other boy.
"What do you want?"
Ranma looked at him curiously. "Huh. Hello to you, too," he said, noting
with a bit of unease that the usual hostility wasn't in Ryoga's voice.
"Where the heck've you been?"
"No where. As if it matters to you anyway."
Ranma's eyes darkened, but then he remembered Nabiki. Intrigue, however
wary, over the Tendo girl's wish to see Ryoga superceded a simple blunt
remark.
"Whatever. Listen, Nabiki said she wants to talk to you."
A flicker of confusion passed over Ryoga's features momentarily. "Nabiki?"
he said, sounding bewildered. Then his features hardened into his usual
scowl. "What does she want?"
"I dunno," Ranma told him. "But I think you should come with me and find
out."
Ryoga frowned, thinking back to any previous interaction he'd had with the
Tendo girl. In terms of anything important, he was drawing a blank, which
meant Nabiki had found out something important concerning him that he
wasn't aware of. Ryoga hated being left unaware, as it was a state he was
frequently in given the amount of time he was out of town.
"Alright," he said slowly, a note of underlying suspicion in his voice. He
shut the door behind him and stepped down onto the lawn.
Ranma jumped down off the porch to land beside the other young man, who
regarded him distrustfully. "Let's go then," he said, heading back towards
the Tendos'. Ryoga followed him reluctantly, looking uncomfortable.
Ranma gave him a sidelong glance. "She sounded kinda mad, y'know. You got
any idea why?"
Ryoga stiffened slightly at the idea of Nabiki being angry at him. "No. I
haven't been here, how should I know?"
Ranma shrugged. "I dunno. It's just that…she don't usually get mad, or at
least she don't show it."
"Great," Ryoga muttered, sounding nervous.
That brought another thing to Ranma's mind. "She said she saw you walk
past," he said. "Guess that's how she knew you were in town."
"So?"
"So…why didn't you…y'know, stop in the way you normally do? I mean, you
musta noticed that you were-"
"I was tired," Ryoga interrupted flatly.
"Too tired to see Akane?" Ranma pressed as they neared the house. Ryoga
didn't reply.
Nabiki was waiting for them at the front door. Her expression had not
changed, but her eyes narrowed a bit more at the sight of Ryoga.
Ranma glanced him, expecting Nabiki's look to intimidate the Lost Boy. But
Ryoga was staring right back at her, looking a bit pale but oddly
impassive.
"Ryoga," Nabiki greeted him, her voice tight. "Just who I've been wanting
to see." The words were spoken with a tone that left no doubt that she
wanted to see him for something that was likely to be unpleasant.
"Why might that be," Ryoga said, rather than asked.
"I want to talk to you," Nabiki said, looking at both of them. "Now. In
the dojo. Akane's already there."
Ranma raised an eyebrow at her. Truthfully, he wanted to hear any word of
conversation Ryoga and Nabiki might have, especially with Akane, but he
figured it would be wiser to feign blank carelessness as he normally
would.
"You said you wanted to talk to him, not me," Ranma protested.
Nabiki leveled a glare at him. "Did I forget to mention that you're
involved in this too? Must've slipped my mind." She turned and stalked
inside, leading the way to the training hall.
Akane was sitting on the floor, dressed in her yellow gi. She looked up
when the other three entered, her expression rather puzzled but
brightening slightly nonetheless.
"Oh, Ryoga, you're finally back!" she exclaimed starting to get to her
feet.
"Hold it, Akane," Nabiki warned, causing her younger sister to pause and
stare at her. "Before you start saying how happy you are to see him, I
think Ryoga has something to tell you."
Ryoga looked at the older girl, not understanding. "I do?"
"Damn straight you do," Nabiki hissed. "Something about P-chan, I
believe."
Ranma felt his mouth fall open slightly in shock. Beside him, Ryoga's face
whitened, his hands clenching reflexively into fists. He stared at Nabiki
for a moment, then at Akane, then turned to Ranma.
"You…?"
Ranma blinked at him. "N-no…why would I?"
"Think again, Ranma," Nabiki said icily. "I started listening in on all
those little hints you kept dropping left and right when he was around.
Then I took a good look at the bandana around 'P-chan's' neck."
Ah, shit, Ranma thought, gritting his teeth. Of all the goddamn people to
find out…
Akane glanced between the two boys and her sister, confused. "Nabiki, I
don't understand. What do Ranma and Ryoga have to do with P-chan?"
Nabiki shot a vicious look at Ryoga. "Well? You pathetic little bastard.
Tell her."
"Nabiki!" Akane exclaimed, her eyes widening.
"Be quiet," the older girl snapped. She turned back to Ryoga. "Speak up,
pig."
Ryoga ignored her. He was too busy gazing at Akane with depthless hazel
eyes. "A-Akane, I didn't mean to-"
He was cut off by Nabiki's hand slapping him across the face. "Don't even
try to give an excuse. Tell her now."
Ryoga stared at her, and Ranma saw something glitter dangerously in the
other boy's eyes. Then he turned his attention back to Akane.
"I'm P-chan."
It took several moments for his words to sink in. Akane's expression
changed from confusion to building anger.
"You…are…P-chan?" she asked finally, her voice low.
A slight tremor passed through Ryoga's body, but he stared at her
unfalteringly. "Yes."
Akane's eyes began to smolder. She turned to Ranma, her hands balling into
fists. "You knew, didn't you. You knew, and you didn't tell me."
Ranma looked at her steadily. "I promised I wouldn't tell about his curse,
before you took him in your room that night."
Akane started to take a step towards him, but changed her mind and looked
at Ryoga again. "How dare you," she said, her voice full of fury as a dim
red aura began to form around her. "You…you…"
"I wish you'd let me explain-" Ryoga began to say. Akane reached out and
backhanded him across the face, hard enough to knock him down.
"Bastard!" Akane shrieked. She grabbed him by the front of his shirt and
pulled him up so she could slap him again. Then she flung him to the
floor, only to sink her foot into his side a second later.
Ranma winced at the sight. Ryoga remained silent; making no attempt to
block or dodge the blows the enraged girl was raining upon him. The
pigtailed boy started to step forward, intending to stop what was going
on. He could understand Akane's anger, he could understand a few slaps or
a mallet, but this…this was wrong. Nabiki hadn't even let Ryoga explain…
"Don't even think about it, Ranma," Nabiki said from behind him. He
stopped short and turned to look at her, wide-eyed. "He's getting exactly
what he deserves. You're already on thin ice, wouldn't you agree?" She had
the nerve to smile at him. "As it is, I don't think Akane is going to be
very happy with you for quite some time."
"She's hurting him."
"That's the point," Nabiki snapped. "And you're going to let her."
Ranma's eyes narrowed. "If you think I'm-"
"I think your mother would find it very dishonorable of you to have kept
this secret from your fiancée," Nabiki cut in. "Wouldn't you agree?"
Ranma fell silent, despite the hot anger he felt building in him.
Nabiki gave him another chill smile. "Of course, she doesn't necessarily
have to find out. You see what I'm saying, Ranma?"
Ranma's jaw was clenched so tightly he thought his teeth might break.
"Yes," he hissed. "I see what you're saying." You bitch, he added
mentally. He didn't turn back around.
"Good," she replied. She moved to watch Akane backhand Ryoga yet again,
her features hardening into anger once more. "Don't kill him Akane," she
advised. "That would just be more trouble than he's worth."
Akane glanced up momentarily. "I have no intention of killing him," she
replied, slamming her knee into his abdomen.
Ranma faced the wall, staring hard at the smooth brown wood and trying his
best not to listen to what was going on behind him. He couldn't help
flinching slightly at something that sounded very much like ribs cracking.
"You'd better stop, Akane," Nabiki advised, though there was no mercy in
her voice. "He won't be able to feel how much that will hurt in a few
hours if you put him in a coma."
Akane threw him at the floor once more, the wood snapping beneath his
body. "You're right," she said. She looked down at the battered young man
on the ground. "Weren't you about to say something, Ryoga?" she asked, her
voice caustic yet light at the same time. He didn't reply, so she grabbed
him by the shoulders and hauled him up. "Well? Speak up. I want to hear
what you have to say."
Ranma finally turned around, steeling himself against whatever he'd see.
Akane, still quaking with barely-suppressed rage, was holding Ryoga so
that he was nearly at eye level with her, her fingers digging into his
shoulders. She gave him a hard shake, snapping his head back.
"Well?" she demanded.
Ryoga slowly lifted his head, his dark hazel eyes meeting hers. Akane was
startled to find that there was no anger in them, no sign of rebellion or
hate. There was only hurt…hurt, and deep regret.
"I would have died for you," Ryoga said, his voice nearly a whisper, his
tone one of utter sadness.
And sincerity.
All Akane could do for several seconds was stare at him. Then fury
evaporated from Akane as quickly as it had formed. Her face, contorted
with anger a moment before, changed to an expression of shock, quickly
followed by horror; and her mouth trembled slightly as her hands began to
shake.
"R-Ryoga…" Akane whispered, her eyes filling with tears. She released her
grip on his shoulders and he slid to the ground. Akane stared at his
unconscious form for a long moment, then glanced down at her hands. There
was blood on her fingers.
Akane let out a strangled sob, then turned and ran.
Ranma watched her go, then went to where Ryoga's still form was lying on
the floor. The pigtailed boy bit his lower lip at the sight of the
battered young man. The side of Ryoga's face was covered in darkening
bruises and blood from a cut on his temple. There was blood on the corner
of his mouth as well, leaking from between his white lips. His neck was
also bruising, and the tears in his shirt caused by the repeated slams
into the splintered floorboards revealed deep red scratches in the flesh
beneath.
"You'd better bring him inside," Nabiki suggested, her tone indifferent.
Ranma glared at her resentfully, and she gazed steadily back at him,
apparently unfazed. Knowing the damage that probably existed beneath the
clothing, Ranma carefully slipped his arms around unconscious boy and
lifted him, being sure to support his head and neck. Wordlessly, he walked
past Nabiki and down the corridor leading to the house. Once inside, he
went straight up the stairs to the room he shared with his father,
ignoring the fact that Nabiki was following him.
Ranma knelt beside the mat and blankets that served as his bed and slowly
laid Ryoga down on it. He stood up immediately, intending to go find a
first aid kit, but found Nabiki blocking the door.
"Happy?" he snarled at her.
"Not especially," Nabiki replied implacably. She shifted her gaze past
Ranma, inciting him to look back at the boy on the bed. To his surprise,
Ryoga was awake, sitting up and preparing to climb to his feet.
"Ryoga," Ranma said, moving towards him in concern. The Lost Boy jumped at
the sound of his voice and shifted into as best a defensive position as he
could given his injuries and that he was kneeling.
Ranma stopped in his tracks, giving Ryoga time to stand.
"Up so soon?" Nabiki asked scornfully, walking past Ranma to stand in
front of the other young man. "Obviously Akane didn't hit you hard enough,
you twisted bastard. Using your curse to take advantage of my sister like
that. You got exactly what you deserved, though not quite enough in my
opinion. I should go see if I can find a dull knife, because I'd like to-"
She let out a single gasp of surprise as Ryoga's hands shot out and shoved
her back, causing her stumble for several steps before catching her
balance and glaring at him furiously.
"Are you threatening me?" Ryoga asked, his voice almost frighteningly
calm. "I don't appreciate that very much. And whatever the hell it is that
you'd like to do, I think it would be rather like shooting a dead horse at
this point, Nabiki."
"You son of a bitch," she hissed. "You're nothing but a pathetic, twisted
little bastard."
"You know, Nabiki," Ryoga said, his tone almost conversational but for the
edge beneath. "Coming from the person who sells photos of her sister to
any kendoist with a little money in his pocket, that really doesn't mean
that much to me."
Nabiki gaped at him for a moment, trying to think of a response, her eyes
narrowing.
"Ryoga…" Ranma said.
Ryoga broke his gaze from Nabiki's to glance at him. "Did you ever wonder
why I let Akane do those things when I was in my cursed form? Let her
treat me like a pet?" he asked, speaking to Ranma though he obviously
wanted Nabiki to hear as well. The pigtailed boy didn't answer, only
stared at him. "Of course not." Ryoga continued. "You never bothered to
ask."
The Lost Boy walked over to the window, and Ranma noticed he was limping
slightly. "Do you want to know why I let Akane pretend I was her little
pet? Because she wanted me to, and she was the only person who didn't
treat me like dirt all the time. Both of you would know plenty about that,
wouldn't you. And you know what else?" Ryoga continued, looking pointedly
at Nabiki. "I don't think you're half so angry about 'P-chan' as you are
over the fact that you didn't figure it out until now. Your ego got a big
dent in it when you found out that stupid me kept you in the dark over
something, didn't it Nabiki? That's why you had to tell. Because you were
too pissed off that idiotic, clueless me pulled one over you for so long.
That's why you couldn't wait for me to tell Akane myself."
"You're a liar," Nabiki snarled, fighting to keep her composure. "You
never would've told Akane, you pig. You'd be too afraid of the beating
she'd give you."
"Damn it, Nabiki-" Ranma started to say.
"Is that so?" Ryoga interrupted. "You think I'm afraid of pain? Is that
it?" he asked, his voice rising. He turned to the window and glanced out,
musing. "That's damn near funny," he remarked. Then he raised his arm and
plunged his fist through the glass.
"Ryoga!" Ranma shouted, running to his side. He reached out to take the
other boy's arm, but Ryoga slammed his elbow into Ranma's chest, knocking
him back and nearly causing him to fall.
"Don't touch me."
"Ryoga, your arm-" Ranma protested, trying to approach him once more.
"Get AWAY!" Ryoga screamed at him. Ranma stopped short, startled by the
reaction. Then a glimmer of understanding entered his dark blue eyes.
"Ryoga I-"
"You're no better than she is, Ranma," Ryoga said, tears of rage beginning
to track down his bruised face just as the blood flowed over his hand to
fall in bright droplets to the floor. He turned to Nabiki.
"Do you still think I'm afraid of pain?" Ryoga asked her.
The anger was gone from Nabiki's expression, replaced by shock. She sure
as hell hadn't expected that…
"I just wanted to make that perfectly clear," Ryoga said to her. "And you
know, you really shouldn't assume things. It might get you into trouble
some day." Then he glanced at Ranma. "Maybe you should tell her how I got
my curse in the first place," Ryoga suggested as he slid the broken window
open.
Before Ranma could stop him, Ryoga jumped out and landed in the grass
below. Ranma made it to the window just in time to see Ryoga leap over the
wall surrounding the yard and disappear onto the street. He wanted to
follow, but he was suddenly afraid it would only make things worse if he
did. But Ryoga was hurt…some of his ribs were cracked or broken, maybe a
concussion and internal injuries, and his arm was bleeding badly…the only
thing keeping him going was adrenaline, and that wouldn't last long in his
condition…
As if things could get any worse, Ranma thought, staring down at the blood
on the sill and the scattering of broken glass that was now stained red.
"R-Ranma…" Nabiki said tentatively from behind him. "Shouldn't we-"
"Go after him?" Ranma interrupted. "I don't think that would be an
especially wise move, do you Nabiki?" He turned to look at her with cold
blue eyes. "I never would've thought you were one to jump to conclusions.
That was fantastic, Nabiki. Absolutely fucking fantastic. Congratulations,
you've just won the Life-wrecking Heartless Bitch of the Fucking Year
Award."
"What did you expect me do?" she said indignantly. "How can you stand the
fact that he's been sleeping in her bed and-"
"Easily," Ranma replied. "Just like I can stand the fact that you charge
Kuno a couple thousand yen for your damn pictures. No one was forcing
Akane to take Ryoga into her room that first night. Can hardly blame him
for letting her do it, he'd been on the road for weeks straight. Ever
since he was in China, I'd bet. Where, thanks to the old man, I knocked
Ryoga into the cursed Spring of Drowned Black Piglet."
"Y-you…?"
"Bing-go," Ranma said caustically. "That's why he was so mad when he got
here. Not that he knew I'd been the one to actually knock him in. He found
that out a little later. Made his grudge quite a bit worse." He clenched
his hand into a fist, tight enough to make his knuckles turn white. "You
know, Ryoga really did mean to tell Akane one of these days. I know he
did. He was trying to figure out a way to do it without hurting her. As
you probably realize now, he doesn't give a damn about himself when it
comes to Akane." He looked down at the bloodied sill again. "You should've
let him explain," Ranma said quietly. Then he straightened and turned to
walk towards the door.
"What are you doing?" Nabiki asked, following him into the hall.
"I'm going to call Ukyo," he said, his voice tight, "and ask her to look
for Ryoga. He's in no condition to be running around town lost, wouldn't
you agree?" Ranma asked, as if daring her to contradict him. Nabiki didn't
say anything. "Maybe you should go find Akane."
With that, Ranma vanished down the stairs.
* * * * * * * * *
That was how it started.
Remembering it…almost makes me sick. I hate Nabiki all over again when I
think of it, and deep down, I hate Akane too.
But not nearly as much as I hate myself.
Even if it was Nabiki who set things loose, even if it was Akane who did
that to him…it's still my fault.
After all, it never would've happened if I hadn't knocked him into the
damn Spring in the first place. And that never would've happened if I
hadn't stolen his bread all those years ago.
I could've stopped her. I shouldn't have let Nabiki's stupid threat and
the thought of crossing Akane scare me into backing down when she was
deliberately breaking Ryoga into pieces right in front of me. I'd tried to
justify it at the time by telling myself he'd be fine, that he could take
it, Akane wouldn't be able to hurt him that bad... But she did hurt him,
and badly.
And that was only the physical part.
Emotionally, mentally…Ryoga was already halfway there, and what happened
that day pushed him a hell of a lot closer. I should've…I should've…
Hell. I should've done a lot of things, and even then the outcome may have
been the same.
Somehow, Ryoga ended up at Dr. Tofu's. I imagine he wasn't too happy to
see Ryoga looking like he did—Dr. Tofu knew exactly who the few people in
town physically capable of doing such a thing were.
Then things began getting even more complicated.
* * * * * * * *
Ranma scowled and drummed his fingers against the tabletop.
"I looked practically everywhere, Ranchan," Ukyo's voice sounded through
the telephone. "You said he couldn't have gotten far, but I didn't see any
sign of him all through town."
"Damn it," Ranma muttered. He hadn't told Ukyo the…details, yes, the
details of the situation; only that there had been some sort of fallout
between Ryoga and an ambiguous 'we' at the dojo, and that he wasn't sure
if he should look for the Lost Boy himself because Ryoga was likely to be
mad at him… Of course, if Ukyo had found him, then there would've been a
lot of explaining to do, but no reason for her to know about the entire
situation and have her get drawn into it as well.
"Ranma, what's going on?" Ukyo asked. "You weren't very specific. Did you
get in a fight with him, or-"
"Ah, don't worry about it, Ucchan," Ranma said. "Long story, short day.
I'll go out and find him, or he'll turn up here. It ain't like I can't
deal with him bein' mad at me or nothin'. Thanks for lookin' though."
At the other end of the line, Ukyo hesitated. Something didn't seem quite
right about the whole thing…after all, if it wasn't a big deal for Ryoga
to be mad, then why hadn't Ranma just gone to look for him before? And why
had he called her to look, when surely Akane or someone at the Tendos' had
to be there? Ryoga was alright as far as Ukyo was concerned, but they
weren't exactly friends in the conventional use of the word, and the Lost
Boy would surely be happier to see Akane than he would her…
Ukyo frowned and shoved down her suspicions. This was Ranma, after all,
and he wouldn't lie or anything…
"Sure thing, Ranma-honey," Ukyo said. "No problem. Yeah. I'll see ya."
Ukyo hung up the phone and went over the door. She told herself she was
being silly, but she slid it open anyway and stepped outside, glancing up
and down the street.
"Oh, who knows where he is," she said to herself. "He's a jackass anyway.
Besides, Ranma said things would be Ok." Ukyo turned around and locked the
door behind her. She wasn't going to look for Ryoga again, she'd already
wasted enough time doing that today, and that was only because Ranma had
asked her to. She was just going for a walk, it was a nice evening.
Whatever had gone on at the Tendos' would surely sort itself out, just as
Ranma said, and he wouldn't lie to her…
Of course, leaving out some of the truth wasn't exactly lying either.
Ukyo shook her head stubbornly. She wasn't looking for that jackass, and
of course everything would be fine. She scanned both sides of the street
as she walked, telling herself that she was simply admiring everyone's
gardens, after all it would be fall soon and most of the summer flowers
would be gone…she wasn't looking for anyone. No, not anyone at all.
~
Ranma had barely hung up the phone when it rang again. Thinking it might
be Ukyo calling back, he answered it. But it wasn't Ukyo.
It was Dr. Tofu.
And he said he wanted Ranma to come down to the clinic right away.
~
Dr. Tofu made a final check on the now-sleeping boy in the back of the
clinic, then headed out to the other room where Ranma was waiting. He
wasn't looking forward to the impending conversation, but after finding
Ryoga staggering down the sidewalk with three cracked ribs, a laceration
on his left forearm, and multiple cuts and bruises of varying severity all
over his body; he knew it was necessary. There weren't many people in town
who were capable of putting Ryoga in that sort of condition, and he had a
pretty good idea of who the candidates were. But Ryoga had a tendency to
clam up when confronted about something, and this time had been no
different.
The look on Ranma's face when he entered the room was enough to let Dr.
Tofu know that Ranma had a very good idea of what this was all about. He
sighed inwardly as he sat down on a chair, facing the young man seated on
the cot.
"Dr. Tofu, is he Ok?" Ranma blurted out before the doctor had even opened
his mouth.
"Well I guess that means you know what happened," Dr. Tofu commented.
"He's as alright as someone can be with his injuries. He should be fine in
a couple weeks." A look of relief passed over Ranma's features.
"Oh, good," he said.
"It would be better," Dr. Tofu said flatly, "if it hadn't happened. Who
did it to him?"
Ranma looked at the floor. "Uh…"
Dr. Tofu frowned. "Ranma," he said sharply, and the boy quickly glanced up
at him. "This is serious. I know it had to be one of you, because if it
had been a stranger he would've told me himself. Considering what's been
done to him, I'm surprised he's even bothering to protect whoever it was.
Now, who did it?"
Ranma hesitated, looking guilty.
"Was it you?"
"No!" Ranma exclaimed. "A fight is one thing, but I'd never-…"
Tofu crossed his arms over his chest. "That narrows it down quite a bit.
If it wasn't you, then who was it?"
Ranma scuffed at the floor with his foot, looking uncomfortable. "Akane,"
he said quietly. "She did it to him."
Dr. Tofu wished he could be surprised, but he wasn't. "Do you know why?"
"Sorta. Does that really matter?" he replied evasively.
The doctor sighed. "He didn't do anything to her to instigate it, did he?"
Ranma scratched the back of his head. "No. Well, I mean…I guess in a
really roundabout way, he kinda did…but not really. It's kinda hard to
explain. But if you're asking did she have a good reason for it, the
answer's no."
"But you saw it," Dr. Tofu said.
Ranma winced at the statement, but didn't say anything.
"You saw it, Ranma."
"…yeah…"
Dr. Tofu eyed him critically. "Ranma…you know enough to recognize when
someone's really being hurt. I know Akane's a girl, and she's your
fiancée, but why on earth didn't you do something to stop it?"
Ranma shut his eyes. "I…I kept thinkin' that she would stop. She knew
exactly what she was doing…but she just kept on. I know I shoulda made her
stop. I mean, there was no way Ryoga was gonna do anything."
"So why didn't you?"
Ranma's expression turned to one of shame. "'Nabiki threatened me. With
stuff about my curse, and my mom. And I didn't wanna make Akane madder."
"You didn't want to make Akane madder?" Dr. Tofu echoed.
Ranma swallowed and looked at the floor. "I lost my nerve. I screwed up."
Dr. Tofu frowned deeply and stood. This was rapidly becoming a fantastic
mess. Akane beating Ryoga while Ranma watched, and somewhere along the
lines Nabiki fit in…it was certainly something that he never would've
imagined happening. But obviously it had.
"Dr. Tofu…?"
"Ryoga's sleeping, Ranma," he said. "You better get home, or your family's
going to worry."
Ranma started to argue, but realized it probably wasn't a good idea. The
normally friendly and mild-mannered doctor was already aggravated about
the situation, and Ranma figured that even Dr. Tofu's patience had to have
a limit.
"Ok," he said, though his voice was despondent. He climbed to his feet and
left.
~
Back at the house, Ranma found only half the family seated at the table.
"Where's Akane?" he asked bluntly. He didn't really care where Nabiki was.
Kasumi glanced at him, her expression troubled. "Hello, Ranma. Akane and
Nabiki are upstairs. They both said they weren't feeling well."
"Gee, I wonder why," Ranma muttered under his breath, heading for the
stairs.
"Ranma, wouldn't you like some dinner?" Kasumi called after him.
"No thanks," he replied tonelessly. "I'm not feeling so great myself."
Then he climbed up the steps and went to straight to the door of Akane's
room.
"Akane," Ranma said, loud enough for her to hear him but not so much as to
let those downstairs do so. A moment later, Nabiki opened the door to let
him in.
Akane was sitting on her bed, clutching a pillow to her chest. She had
been crying most of the afternoon, finding herself unable to stop once she
started. She'd cried because Ranma hadn't told her. She'd cried because
Ryoga had deceived her. But mostly, she'd cried because of what she had
done to one her few and best friends in the world, a friend who she had
deliberately and cruelly hurt because he had made one simple mistake
amidst a myriad of kindness and caring. Every time she closed her eyes,
she saw his own gazing at her, bright with pain and regret—but not anger.
Never anger, despite what she had done to him.
"I would have died for you."
His words echoed in her mind. At that moment, she had suddenly wanted him
to be angry, to be furious. She had wished for him stand up and strike her
back. She had wanted to see anger burning in his dark eyes. She'd wanted
him to hate her.
If he had, Akane might have been able to bear what she had done, because
she would be getting the hatred she knew she deserved.
But he hadn't.
And the knowledge that she had hurt someone who cared for her so deeply
that he couldn't even be the least bit angry with her no matter what she
did to him twisted in her heart like a hot knife.
Akane looked up as Ranma approached, scrubbing at the tear marks staining
her cheeks with the back of her hand.
"Ranma?" she said, her voice husky from crying. "D-did you find him?"
"He's at Dr. Tofu's." His expression was unreadable but for the dark look
in his eyes.
Akane swallowed, feeling self-conscious. "Is he…Ok?"
"He didn't say much," Ranma told her flatly. "But Ryoga should be alright
in a couple weeks."
Akane fought back more tears. "Ranma…what should we do?"
Ranma was silent for a moment before he turned around. He glanced at
Nabiki, who for once had the grace to look ashamed, then looked at the
girl on the bed. "I don't know," he said finally. He moved over the bed
and sat down beside her, his eyes unsympathetic. Sympathy required
superiority, and he was no better than she was.
Akane gazed at him, not liking but understanding his uncaring attitude
towards her. "Is there anything we can do?"
"I guess we'll have to wait and find out."
* * * * * * * * *
I still loved her then.
Not that it mattered much.
As far as I know, Dr. Tofu didn't get anything else from Ryoga about the
incident, because nothing happened. I wouldn't have blamed Ryoga in the
least if he'd decided to press charges or something, but I knew he never
would.
Ryoga…you were always like that. You never really wanted anyone to suffer
the way you did, despite all those things you used to say to me…
There I go, off track again.
Like I said before, things only continued to worsen. I wanted to make it
better, really I did. I would've done anything.
But anything I could do wasn't going to be enough…
* * * * * * * *
Ryoga sat on the back porch of his house, watching the grass of the yard
wave in the wind. He crossed his arms over his chest as an especially
strong breeze blew, making the old wind chime his mother had hung from a
rafter swing wildly, letting out a series of haunting, musical tones. He
knew he should probably be inside lying down, but the woman his parents
had hired to come clean once a week or so had been there until a short
while ago, so Ryoga had come outside to avoid being underfoot and to avoid
explaining the bruises all over him. It was a nice enough day, and he
simply did not feel like getting up yet. His side still hurt terribly, as
did much of the rest of his body. But despite Dr. Tofu's obvious
reluctance, Ryoga had insisted on going home. Eventually the doctor had
relented, giving him strict instructions not to overexert himself and to
get plenty of rest. Knowing about Ryoga's tendency to get lost, Dr. Tofu
had called a cab to take him home. Ryoga suspected that the doctor was
also concerned that someone might try to attack him, even though he was
pretty certain that wouldn't happen.
Ryoga tugged the black t-shirt he was wearing back into place. His regular
shirt was too difficult to lace without making his side hurt, so he'd
chosen the t-shirt instead. But it was a little large on him, and not very
warm, so the stronger gusts of wind made him shiver. That was another
reason to go inside, he supposed…but it wasn't as if he hadn't been a
little cold before. He spent more time sleeping in the woods somewhere
than in a house, anyway, so he didn't think it really mattered.
Of course, Ranma didn't know what Ryoga was thinking about as he came up
the footpath leading to the front door. Instead of knocking, Ranma went to
the corner of the house and climbed the two stairs onto the wooden walkway
that led to the back porch. He was surprised to find Ryoga sitting on the
stairs back there, as he had been counting on the likelihood that the Lost
Boy would be inside behind a locked door that would probably not be opened
to admit him.
Ranma paused uncertainly, not wanting to startle the young man by walking
up behind him.
"Ryoga?" he said tentatively, taking a few steps closer.
Ryoga didn't seem at all surprised by the other boy's presence. "What is
it, Ranma?" he replied quietly, turning his head slightly to the side so
the pigtailed boy would hear him.
Ranma shoved down his nervousness and went to the edge of the porch to sit
beside him. He winced slightly at the sight of the dark bruises all over
the side of Ryoga's face, and his crossed arms gave Ranma a clear view of
the white bandage wrapped around the Lost Boy's wrist.
"Um…are you sure it's a good idea for you to be out here?" Ranma began,
sounding more than a little awkward. "I mean, you should probably be lying
down…"
"I don't really think you're in any position to be giving me medical
advice, Ranma," Ryoga said.
Ranma felt shame rising in him as he fell silent, dropping his gaze to the
ground. "Yeah," he said after a few moments. He swallowed hard, then
opened his mouth to speak; but he stopped himself immediately,
reconsidering. Taking a breath, he turned to the other boy again.
"Ryoga, listen," Ranma said, moving to place a hand on the Lost Boy's
shoulder. "I-"
"Don't," Ryoga said, pulling away from Ranma's touch and pressing himself
against the railing.
Ranma stared at him in confusion for a moment before he realized what was
wrong.
"Ryoga, I'm not going to-"
"Don't, Ranma," Ryoga protested. He trembled and hugged himself more
tightly, staring at Ranma with wide eyes.
Ranma gazed at him, taken aback by Ryoga's apparent fear. "Alright," he
said, unable to keep some of the hurt from his voice as he backed away
with his hands raised in front of him where Ryoga could see. Ryoga watched
him nervously for a moment, then averted his gaze.
Even though Ranma could understand the other boy's reaction, it still
stung, mostly because Ranma knew he was at least part of the cause for it.
He crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the ground, feeling hot
tears stinging his eyes. But he had to try, even if it didn't change
anything. He had to let him know…
"Ryoga…about the other day," Ranma began. "I didn't m-mean t-to…to let
her…I-I shoulda made her st-stop." He paused, trying to will away the
constricted feeling in his throat. "I kept t-telling myself that she was
gonna stop, but she d-didn't 'cause she…she didn't know about how you
felt…"
"You did."
Ranma felt his words die in his mouth. "I…I know…" he said haltingly.
"Ryoga…listen. I-I was…I was afraid t-to do anything. Nabiki threatened to
tell my mom…and I…didn't want Akane to get mad at me. I wanted to stop
her, I really did…but I thought I could either do that and risk having
Nabiki tell and Akane hate me, or I could s-stand there and hope Akane
would stop on her own." He paused for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut.
"I made the wrong choice," Ranma finished finally, his voice sinking to a
whisper. "I…I'm s-sorry."
"I'm sorry, too."
Ranma turned to look at him, alarmed by the toneless quality of the Lost
Boy's voice. Ryoga gazed back at him, tears threatening his dark hazel
eyes.
Eyes that were betrayed and full of hurt.
"Ryoga…"
Ryoga was already pulling himself to his feet and heading for the door.
"Leave me alone, Ranma."
"Wait!" Ranma cried. "Ryoga, please. I'm sorry…"
The door slammed shut.
~
Ukyo didn't even hear someone come in, so intent was she on thinking about
Ranma and what had gone on a few days before. She never had found Ryoga,
and the next time she'd seen Ranma he hadn't been any more inclined to
tell her anything more on the incident—whatever the incident was. Ukyo
frowned slightly as she stared down at the surface of her grill. When she
thought of it, she couldn't remember the last time she'd seen the Lost
Boy. He'd been out of town for…a month? Two months? The Lost Boy didn't
usually stay missing in action for more than a few weeks at a time, and
Ukyo wondered why this time had been different.
"Excuse me."
Ukyo jumped at the words, even though they'd been spoken quietly. She
looked up quickly and was startled to find the very person she'd just been
thinking about standing a few feet in front of her.
"Ryoga!" she said, her blue eyes wide.
"I'm sorry if I startled you," he said apologetically. Ukyo noticed he was
keeping his head turned slightly to the right.
Ukyo shook her head. "Don't worry about it, Sugar," she said, regaining
her composure. "Wow. You've been gone for so long, it seems like I haven't
seen you in forever. Where've you been?"
"Nowhere, really," he replied, a little stiffly. Ukyo frowned again. Ryoga
was acting strangely; he was too quiet and formal. He was usually less
reserved, a little louder and more casual…
"Oh, did Ranma ever catch a hold of you? He was looking for you a couple
days ago," Ukyo told him. "Did you want something to eat, Sugar? You look
a little pale."
"Actually, I was just wondering if you give me directions. I'm afraid I
wandered a little out of my way, and I'd like to get back home."
Ukyo stared at him for a moment, noticing for the first time that he
didn't have his pack with him. This was too strange, she decided. She
jumped over the counter to land next to him. Ryoga immediately jerked
away, turning to look at her anxiously and giving her a perfect view of
his entire face, including the bruises.
"My God, Ryoga what happened to you?" Ukyo asked, her eyes wide with
surprise. She stepped forward for a closer look, but Ryoga backed up,
raising a hand to the side of his face to conceal the marks there. Ukyo
also saw what looked like a nasty cut above his right eye, and a smaller
one at the corner of his mouth, and more bruises circling his neck...
"N-nothing happened…"
"Nothing?" Ukyo echoed, not believing it for a second. The Lost Boy did
not bruise easily, nor was it a simple matter to land a strike on him to
make one. "What, you just woke up this morning looking like someone
slammed your face into a brick wall? What happened?"
"Akane happened."
Ukyo and Ryoga both turned to the door.
"Ranma," Ukyo said, his words having not yet sunk in. "Wait…Akane? Akane
did this?" She looked back and forth between the two young men, her face a
mask of skepticism. Despite their rivalry, she liked Akane…but why on
earth would she hit Ryoga of all people?
"Yes, Akane did it," Ranma said shortly.
Ukyo was unsure how to feel. She felt a flare of anger towards Akane, but
then again, Ryoga must've done something to give her a reason…but what
could he have possibly done that was bad enough to warrant this?
"What the hell did she do that for?" Ukyo demanded. Ranma fell silent, so
she turned to Ryoga. "It looks she was trying to kill you."
"Just short of that, actually," Ryoga muttered.
"Well, gosh, are you Ok?" Ukyo asked, reaching out as though to touch the
side of his face. "You might have a concussion or something-" Ryoga
reached out and batted her hand away, his expression shifting to one of
anger.
"Stop acting like you care!" he snapped, his eyes suddenly bright. Ukyo
withdrew; stunned by his sudden outburst while Ranma stared at him
anxiously. The Lost Boy didn't seem to be in any steadier of a state than
he'd been yesterday. But Ryoga blinked once and let his hand fall to his
side, his eyes reverting almost instantly to careful neutrality.
"I'm fine, Ukyo," Ryoga said, his voice calm again. "I've already been to
the doctor, and it's not nearly as bad as it looks."
Yeah, right, Ranma thought. If only she could see the rest of you.
Ukyo considered his words for a moment. Whatever had happened between
Ryoga and Akane must've been the falling out Ranma had spoken of on the
phone when he'd asked her to go looking Ryoga. "O-Ok," Ukyo said slowly.
"But why did she…?"
"I told Akane I was P-chan," Ryoga said tonelessly.
Ukyo blinked at him. "Y-you're P-chan?"
Ryoga gritted his teeth, but remained otherwise impassive. "That's what I
said."
Ukyo glanced at Ranma, then looked back at Ryoga. "Well, you dug your own
grave there, Sugar. Though I think maybe Akane went a little overboard."
Something flickered in the Lost Boy's dark eyes for a brief moment, then
disappeared. "Dug…my own grave," he said thoughtfully. He let out a sound
that was probably supposed to be a laugh. "Dug my own grave. Yes, I
suppose I did. How right you are, Ukyo. I dug my own grave."
Ukyo stared at him in concern, realizing a little belatedly that that was
hardly a good thing to say, especially given Ryoga's current state.
Something about his tone, his expression, was troubling, not to mention
the words themselves. Ryoga should've been wildly upset, letting out a
Shi-shi Hokodan or at least yelling or crying. He should've looked like he
was feeling something, anything…but he was almost frighteningly blank.
She looked over at Ranma for help, but he appeared just as disturbed as
Ukyo felt.
"Ryoga," Ranma began.
"I'm sorry I bothered you, Ukyo," Ryoga spoke as though he hadn't heard
Ranma. "I need to go."
Ukyo pulled herself from her distracted state. "Oh…w-wait Ryoga, you asked
me for directions-"
"Never mind, I'll find my way eventually. The house isn't that far."
"But…you can't go out there by yourself!" Ukyo protested. "You might get
lost, and you don't even have your pack…"
"Let me take you home," Ranma said.
"Get away from me," Ryoga replied.
"Hold it!" Ukyo cried. "What is with you two? You're both acting weird.
Tell me what's going on."
"It's nothing," Ryoga told her.
"Like hell," Ranma said. "Nabiki turns into a self-righteous bitch and
makes you tell Akane about your curse, she half-kills you, and it's
nothing? You throw your hand through a window and it's nothing? That's a
bit of an understatement don't you think?"
"Nabiki?" Ukyo said, sounding puzzled. "What's she got to do with
anything?"
"Nothing!" Ryoga cried. "It's nothing, so just leave me alone!"
Ranma anticipated his dash for the exit and moved to block the door.
"Ryoga, stop," Ranma said, grabbing the other boy's hands as he tried to
push past.
"Let go," Ryoga said, trying to pull himself free.
"Ryoga, stop it, you'll hurt yourself," Ranma said worriedly. "I just want
to talk."
"Let go!" Ryoga said desperately.
"Let go of him, Ranma," Ukyo seconded, alarmed by the panic on the Lost
Boy's features.
Ranma released him, but didn't move away from the door.
"Ryoga-honey, come sit down," Ukyo said reasonably, carefully taking his
arm. "This is serious. We need to sort it out."
The Lost Boy eyed her guardedly for a moment, considering. "No we don't. I
lied to Akane. She knows. That's about all there is to it." He detached
Ukyo's hand from his arm. "I'm going home."
"Wait a minute," Ukyo said, getting up after him. "You can't just leave,
we're not done!"
Ryoga looked at her expressionlessly. "Excuse me for saying so, but I
don't really see what any of this has to do with you, Ukyo."
"Hey! I'm just trying to help, you jackass!"
"There's nothing to be helped," Ryoga said. He turned towards the door.
"Ryoga, wait," Ranma said, trying to block his path. "Don't do this to
yourself. What happened was wrong, it's not all your fault."
"Ranma, I don't-"
"Listen to me!" Ranma insisted. "I know there's nothing I can do to make
you forgive me, but-"
"There's nothing to forgive, Ranma," Ryoga interrupted angrily. "You
didn't want to intervene, so you didn't. You had no reason to anyway. Why
would I expect you to go against your fiancée for a person who runs around
claiming he wants to kill you all the time? Even I'm not that stupid."
Ranma stepped in front of him, his dark blue eyes flaring. "Damn it,
Ryoga, that's not true and you know it! I don't care that she's my
fiancée, and you ain't just someone who runs around wanting to kill me!"
Ryoga's eyes hardened. "I don't see how you figure that. As far as I'm
concerned, you're just the person I run around wanting to kill."
Ranma faltered for a moment. "But I…don't give me that, damnit. You
wouldn't have helped me out all those times if that was true."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Ryoga said.
"Like hell you don't!" Ranma shouted. "You know exactly what I'm talking
about!"
Ukyo raised an eyebrow. "Ryoga-honey, you did help him learn the Hiryu
Shoten Hah and everything," she pointed out.
"I did that for Akane, not him."
"What could she have to do with it?" Ukyo asked.
"She didn't want him to be weak. I made myself look good to her by helping
him. That was the only reason," he snapped.
"Why are you lying?" Ranma said, his voice rising. "It wasn't like that at
all! If it was, you would have told me then and there, and that's not what
you said afterwards either!"
"Believe what you want," Ryoga said. His voice was cold. "I don't care."
Ranma tried to reach for him again, but Ryoga shoved him away and ran out
the door.
"Ryoga!" Ukyo called, running out onto the sidewalk. But The Lost Boy was
already nowhere in sight. "Jackass," she muttered, turning on her heel and
going back inside.
Ranma was still picking himself up off the floor. "Damn he's gettin' good
at that," he muttered.
"What?" Ukyo asked.
Ranma scowled at the door and rubbed the back of his head. "Knockin' me
down and takin' off. Jeez, how the hell can he run around like that with
his side…"
Ukyo glowered at him. "You really did it this time, didn't you?"
"You don't even know what happened," Ranma retorted.
"Then maybe you better tell me."
* * * * * * * *
Enter Ukyo into the middle of the mess.
After that, things really began to fall apart.
When we were at the restaurant, I didn't realize why Ryoga seemed to find
Ukyo's comment so funny.
It made plenty of sense later, though.
I never should've let him get past me.
After Ryoga ran out, he somehow managed to find his way back home. Once
there…he got a knife from the kitchen and used it to slit his wrists.
It was pure dumb luck that one of the neighbors had seen him go by with
all the bruises and everything, and wanted to check up on him. When he
didn't answer the door, they went inside and found him unconscious and
bleeding on the floor.
By the time we got to the hospital, Ryoga was already awake and
stabilized. But Dr. Tofu said he couldn't have any visitors. I remember I
wanted to cry when he told us that.
It was a few days later that they let us go see him.
And that was a complete mistake.
* * * * * * * * *
"I still don't think this is a good idea."
"You've said ten times already, Ranma," Akane reminded him.
"Yeah, and you still don't get my point, do you?" the pigtailed boy said
bad-temperedly.
Akane halted to glare at him. "Well, what am I supposed to do? You want me
to just forget about what I did and let Ryoga think I hate him?"
Ranma gave her a withering look. "That ain't what I said. I said I didn't
think it was a good idea for you to do this now. I mean, it was only a
couple of days ago that he ended up here, and I think he probably still
ain't feelin' so great."
"Then a visit should cheer him up," she replied loftily.
Ranma stopped in his tracks. "What are you, nuts? There ain't nothin'
cheery about seein' the people who made him that way in the first place!"
he shouted.
Akane blinked at him, tears forming in her eyes. "I just want to apologize
to him!" she cried. "I don't want him to keep feeling bad because he
thinks I hate him!"
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Aw, geez Akane. I know you wanna apologize him and
stuff. It's just that…I think he might need some more time to think things
over, y'know?"
"It's been over a week, Ranma," she said. "And n-now he's h-here, and what
if he did it because of me?"
"Yeah, yeah," Ranma said. "But I mean, you hurt him pretty bad-"
"Not enough," Nabiki countered.
"Nabiki!" Akane scolded. "You promised!"
"And then there's her," Ranma growled, shooting the older girl a
dagger-like stare. "I think you definitely coulda held out on that one."
"I can't argue with that," Ukyo muttered, narrowing her eyes slightly.
"As if I would care. I don't even know why you're bothering, Akane."
"Would you knock it off already?" Akane said as they reached the top of
the stairs. "It's not going to help if you're arguing." They turned the
corner and stopped at the doorway.
The group didn't expect Ryoga's reaction to seeing all of them at once.
Ranma hadn't seen him since the day they'd been at Ukyo's. The hospital
staff had taken away his bandana after Dr. Tofu had told them what a
dangerous weapon it could be, leaving his night-black hair to spill down
further than it usually did. Instead of his usual clothing, Ryoga was
wearing a set of pale blue pajamas.
Ranma grimaced slightly as he saw Ryoga freeze, his face whitening
considerably at the sight of them.
Great. No better way to say hello than terrifying him, the pigtailed boy
thought darkly. If he'd harbored even the slightest of hopes that this
would work out, they were long gone.
"What do you want?" Ryoga said, his eyes wide. He trembled slightly,
looking as though he'd rather be any place else in the world than where he
was now.
The reaction did little to encourage the youngest Tendo girl. She paused
uncertainly, trying to will a smile to her face, but then she realized how
awful that would probably look. She began to go forward instead, intending
to embrace him, but Ryoga took a step back before she'd even really moved.
"Don't try to touch him," Ranma advised her quietly, keeping his eyes
trained on the Lost Boy.
Akane bit her lip and stayed where she was, staring at the floor for a
moment before forcing herself to look at him again. He hadn't moved from
his tensed position, and Akane could see the remnants of the bruises she'd
inflicted still marring the side of his face.
"R-Ryoga…I'm s-sorry," she said at last. "I'm so sorry f-for h-hurting
you…I d-didn't mean to, really I didn't." Akane felt a pair of tears slide
down her face. "I just…"
"Akane," Ryoga said. His voice was oddly flat.
Akane blinked at him. "Y-yes?"
Ryoga crossed his arms over his chest and looked away. "Just forget it
ever happened," he said dully.
"Sure, and forget about all the other sick and twisted people in the
world. That'll make it a better place."
"Nabiki!" Akane cried heatedly. "I already told you, he's not a pervert!
He always turned around if I was changing or something."
"And he always slept in your bed," the older girl snapped.
"Could you shut up?" Ranma growled.
"Why should I?" Nabiki replied. "It's true. I don't care what he says or
how much he's done for her. He's still nothing but trash."
Ukyo's hand moved to her bandolier. "Nabiki," she said warningly.
"Stop it!" Akane shouted.
Nabiki looked at her condescendingly. "I don't get you Akane. Look at the
little coward, afraid to even come close." She turned her eyes to Ryoga,
her voice mocking. "You're pathetic," she stated. "Too bad I don't have a
bucket of cold water right now. If I did, I'd do to you what they do to
all pigs. I'd take a dull knife and make it so you wouldn't even want to
look at a girl ever again-"
"Leave him alone," ordered an icy voice from the doorway. They all turned
to the door to find Shampoo and Mousse standing there.
Nabiki brushed off her surprise as quickly as she could. "Why you-"
"Shut up!" Ranma snapped.
"Ranma!" Akane exclaimed.
"I couldn't have said it better myself, Akane," Ukyo said.
"Hey!" Akane cried crossly. "Whose side are you on, anyway?"
Ukyo glared at her. "I didn't see any sides. Did you wanna make some?"
"You one who do this!" Shampoo said to Akane, her voice accusing.
"And you just stood there. Ranma Saotome, you make me sick," Mousse
snarled.
"Listen, Duck Boy, if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it."
"Better a duck than a pig," Nabiki said.
"You pay for this!" Shampoo threatened.
"It's not my fault it's the truth-"
"I'll give you more than my opinion-"
"Shut your damn-"
The sound of breaking glass behind them made everyone stop.
"I guess this wasn't good enough for you, then," Ryoga said, his voice
trembling. In his hand he held a broken water glass from which he'd
smashed the rim off against a table, leaving a cruelly sharp edge. "I can
fix it easily enough." He raked the broken glass across his wrist, ripping
through the bandages and tearing open the stitches beneath.
For a few terrible moments, Ranma could only watch, horrified, as Ryoga
drew the glass over his wrist again and again. It was the sight of the
blood that began to flow down Ryoga's arm that finally incited him to
move.
"Ryoga, stop!" Ranma cried. He started to move forward, but Dr. Tofu had
been alerted by the frightened cries of the others and came running. He
shoved his way through the group at the door and pushed Ranma aside. The
doctor grabbed Ryoga's wrist, trying to wrest the glass from his grip.
"Ryoga, let it go," Dr. Tofu said, his voice amazingly calm as he tried to
subdue him. He gave Ryoga's arm a slight twist, causing the glass fell to
the floor and shatter, spraying sparkling bits across the floor.
Heedless of the blood, Dr. Tofu pulled Ryoga against him, holding the
young man securely as he started to cry.
"Ryoga," Dr. Tofu said gently, shifting his arms to enfold him in an
embrace, "Ryoga, calm down. It's alright…"
The next thing Ranma knew, he and the others were being ushered out into
the hallway by an assortment of orderlies and nurses, where they were told
to either leave or go back to the waiting room. Ranma discovered, with
some surprise, that his hands were shaking. He also noticed that Ukyo was
crying, Akane was arguing heatedly and tearfully with her sister, and
Mousse was yelling at him.
"Be quiet," Ranma said.
Everyone stopped.
Ranma glanced around the rough circle they'd unconsciously formed. Each
was either stricken, crying, pissed, or some combination thereof.
"That was great, you guys," Ranma told them. "Perfect. Do you think we
could possibly fuck things up any more if we tried?"
No one replied. Ukyo was busy wiping her eyes, Akane was staring at the
floor, Shampoo was casting an acidic sidelong glance at Akane, and Mousse
was looking back at him evenly.
It was Nabiki who finally spoke up.
"I don't see what your problem is," she said. "He did it to himself, so-"
"Shut the fuck up, Nabiki," Ranma told her, his eyes livid. "I've had
enough of your goddamn shit."
Nabiki's eyes narrowed. "He brought everything he's gotten down on
himself-"
"Shut up!" Ranma snarled. "Get out of here. Go. Now. Or I swear to fuckin'
God, I'm gonna hit you. I don't care if you're a girl. You got your
goddamn cheap shots in when I let your sister beat the hell outta him, and
I'll be damned if you get any more."
Nabiki masked her surprise at his words and turned to Akane. "Akane," she
said grimly. But her sister didn't look at her.
"I'm not going with you."
Nabiki shot a glare in Ranma's direction, then turned on her heel and
walked away.
They watched her go silently. Then Shampoo looked at Akane again, her eyes
glittering dangerously.
"Akane," she hissed. "I fight you now."
"No, you won't," Ranma said flatly.
Shampoo looked at him sharply. "You no better than she."
"Stop it," Ukyo said. "Don't start fighting again. Wasn't what just
happened enough?"
Mousse glanced at her, then at Ranma. "I think you're right."
"What are you two doing here, anyway?" Ranma asked.
"Great-grandmother tell us what happen," Shampoo said. "We come see
Ryoga."
"How'd the Old Ghoul find out about all this?"
Shampoo tossed her hair. "She have her ways," she answered.
"Great-grandmother tell us that Ryoga here because he want die from what
you do to him."
"What on earth's gotten into you to, anyway?" Mousse asked, a touch of
venom in his voice. "Finding out about his curse. I can see how you'd be
mad, Akane Tendo, but it's not that big of a deal. I know he never even so
much as looked at you indecently. How could you do that to him, after what
he's gone through for you?"
Akane's shoulders began to tremble as fresh tears poured down her cheeks.
"I-I didn't mean to…I wasn't th-thinking, and Nabiki d-didn't let him
explain…"
Mousse frowned stonily, but didn't pursue it further. He glanced at Ranma,
who scowled at him in return.
"You don't hafta ask," Ranma told him. "The answer's because I'm a goddamn
idiot and I screwed up big-time."
Ukyo glanced at him. "So…what should we do now?"
"Wait," Ranma said. "Though somehow, I don't think any of us are gonna be
up very high on the guest list from now on."
* * * * * * * * * *
It's always been a group talent of ours to make a complete mess of things,
but that time we really outdid ourselves.
I wish I could say things got better, but they didn't. Dr. Tofu said that
Ryoga wasn't very interested in having visitors, so we were all basically
clueless as to what was going on aside from the stuff he told us.
That week, things started changing. Shampoo didn't seem half so eager to
throw herself on me—in fact; she didn't do it at all. I also started
feeling a little strange around Akane sometimes. I guess because I'd seen
a side of her that…well, between her mallets and temper tantrums, it
wouldn't be fair to say I'd never seen it before. I had, just never to
such a degree—and besides, it was Ryoga for the love of Kami. Ryoga, who
never made fun of her or was mean to her, Ryoga who always tried to defend
her, Ryoga who was a better friend to her than she ever could've hoped to
find anywhere else. And my friend, too, which made it all the worse.
Nabiki I had to either completely ignore or risk strangling on sight. I
decided to be tactful for once and chose to ignore her. If she had a
problem with it, she didn't say anything about it. A wise move on her
part.
Kasumi didn't seem to treat anyone any differently, though she's the only
one who knows what's going on inside her head. I asked her if she liked
Ryoga and she told me yes, she liked him a lot. But when I told her what
Akane had done to him, she said, "All his training, and he couldn't handle
that?"
I don't know if she meant it the way it sounded. But at this point, I
wasn't giving anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore. After all, Kasumi's
related to Nabiki and Akane, so who knows what she's capable of. I did
find myself taking steps not to be alone with her though. I was afraid I'd
think too much about what she'd said and start asking questions that I
might not have wanted to hear the answers to.
Ukyo was a little stiff around us for a while, especially Akane. I think
she let up on me because we were the only two who could really still talk
to each other, and because she knew just how sorry I was over what Akane
had done to Ryoga.
At the end of the week, they started letting people see him again. Not
that it helped.
* * * * * * * * *
Ranma leaned against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest as he
kept watchful eyes on the people before him. Ryoga was sitting curled on
the windowsill, his arms folded on top of his knees as he gazed out. Akane
was standing a few feet away, trying to stammer through another apology as
Ukyo looked at Ryoga.
"…what Nabiki said…she was wrong, so please don't think we feel the same
way," Akane was saying. Ranma was only half-listening to her nervous
prattle, and he suspected Ryoga was doing the same.
"Hey, Akane?" Ryoga interrupted her suddenly.
The shorthaired girl stopped, appearing flustered. "…yeah?"
Ryoga turned to look at her. "You don't have to say anything. It doesn't
matter."
Akane faltered. "B-but Ryoga…"
"I think maybe it would be better if we didn't see each other anymore,"
Ryoga said in the same quiet, even tone.
"Wh-what?" Akane said, bewilderedly.
Ryoga glanced at Ukyo, then at Ranma, taking in their confused
expressions. "I think it would be better," he repeated.
"Wait a minute," Ranma said, walking over to where Akane was standing.
"You're tryin' to dump all of us, is that it?"
Ryoga looked at him dully. "Even if it was, what do you care?"
Ranma scowled. "Ryoga, come on."
The Lost Boy blinked at him. "I think we should stay away from each
other."
"What's this all about, Sugar?" Ukyo asked, her voice concerned. "I know
you're not feeling so great, but it's not gonna do you any good to just
sit here all by yourself-"
Ryoga put a hand to his forehead, his expression becoming strained. "I
already am by myself. It doesn't matter. Just…just forget about it, forget
about me."
"Ryoga…"
"Go away," he said, gritting his teeth. "Please. Just leave."
Akane looked as though she wanted to protest, but then her expression
changed to one of resignation. "If that's what you want," she said stiffly
as she left the room.
Ukyo hesitated, her blue eyes troubled. "Ryoga," she said, her mouth
starting to tremble slightly. Ryoga flinched and squeezed his eyes shut at
her voice. She glanced at Ranma, her eyes shining with tears, then hurried
out.
Ranma stayed where he was, gazing at the other boy with intense dark blue
eyes. "Ryoga," he said finally. "What's goin' on here?"
"Go away, Ranma."
"No," Ranma snapped. "You tried to kill yourself, damn it all to hell!
Then you pulled the stunt with the glass! Why are you doing this?"
"Why not?" Ryoga asked. "I'm trash as far as your concerned, same as with
Akane and the rest."
"You are not! I never said anything like that, and I sure as hell don't
agree with that bitch!"
Ryoga looked at him, his dark eyes glittering with tears. "It doesn't
matter what you say. It's what you think," he said. "If you didn't you
never would have treated me the way you did."
Ranma faltered, surprised by the other boy's words. "N-no…" he stammered.
"I t-told you I shouldn't have let what happened happen-"
"But you did," Ryoga said hollowly. "Just like you did everything else.
Knocked me into the Spring, stole the bread…"
"No!" Ranma protested. "Ryoga…I know I did all that, but it wasn't…the
Spring was an accident, and the rest was just me being stupid, it's not
because I…"
Ryoga shook his head wearily. "Ranma, if I hadn't followed you about the
stupid fight, would you have ever thought about me again? No. You wouldn't
have. So I don't see why you're making a big deal out of it now,
especially since you've spent the last two years wishing I'd get out of
your life again."
"It isn't like that, Ryoga," Ranma said. "Everything's changed now, you
can't just expect me to do nothing after what's gone on."
"Nothing's changed," Ryoga said. "And I don't want you to do anything,
except leave. I don't care about anything that's happened, and I don't
blame you for it, so just…just go."
"That's not true and you know it," Ranma said.
"Goodbye, Ranma," Ryoga said softly.
Ranma stared at him for a long moment. He tried to think of something to
say, but then he realized there really wasn't anything left for him to
say.
Taking a final, long look at the boy sitting at the window, Ranma turned
and walked silently from the room.
* * * * * * * *
Considering how things had gone both times we'd seen Ryoga, no one was
really sure whether to go again or not.
Then we found out that soon the hospital would have to discharge him soon.
Dr. Tofu couldn't get a hold of Ryoga's parents, or any other member of
his family. Physically, Ryoga would be fine in a couple more days. In
terms of his mental condition, they couldn't make him stay more than ten
days without someone to commit him or by getting a court order. The second
couldn't be gotten without tests to prove he needed to stay, and somehow
Ryoga managed to slip through the first ones and didn't need to go through
any more. It was completely ridiculous. I mean, he tried to kill himself,
but then he's fine a couple weeks later? What moron came up with that game
plan?
I guess I'm still a little ticked about that. Not that the hospital is any
more to blame than I am, I guess. Less so, actually.
Anyway, they had to let him leave. Ukyo dug up the nerve to ask him to
come and stay with her for awhile, but he refused. He wanted to go home,
and there wasn't anything anyone could do to stop him.
We couldn't stop him from leaving, either. And of course that's exactly
what he did. I wasn't sure if that was a bad thing or a good thing at the
time. Ryoga dealt with some things better on his own, and despite how much
of a pain traveling could be for him, Ryoga was the most relaxed when he
was up in the woods somewhere without any people to bother him or hurt
him. I was still kinda worried though, because he obviously wasn't in a
good state of mind when he left. Even if he was just planning on taking a
long hike to clear his head, I couldn't help thinking the worst. I thought
about going to look for him, but that would've been like trying to find a
needle in a haystack. When Ryoga wanted to be lost, he got lost; and I had
no idea which direction he'd taken to get out of town. The only real
option was to wait and hope for him to come back, though I had no idea
what I could say or do when he did.
It was another month before he returned.
When he did…the worst happened.
* * * * * * * *
Ranma looked up at the sky, narrowing his eyes slightly in the
cloud-dimmed sun as he walked along the fence top. The leaves had all
changed and most had fallen. Soon they'd be gone completely; the days were
getting steadily cooler and the nights were already cold.
The thought of cold nights made him think of Ryoga. Ranma knew that the
Lost Boy should be perfectly fine, he knew how to take care of himself on
the road, but it couldn't be very pleasant to wake up with frost on the
grass while you were lying on it.
"Ranma. Ranma!"
"What?" the pigtailed boy asked, glancing down at the two girls walking on
the sidewalk.
"Look," Akane said, pointing up the street. Ranma and Ukyo followed her
gaze, only to settle their eyes on a familiar figure wearing a dusky
yellow shirt and carrying a backpack walking up the street ahead of them.
"R-Ryoga…" Ranma said, surprised. As if sensing eyes upon him, the Lost
Boy turned to look at them.
Even from a distance, Ranma could see how impossibly white Ryoga's face
looked. But he didn't have much time to dwell on it. Upon seeing them,
Ryoga turned and went around the corner, disappearing from sight.
"Ranma!" Ukyo cried anxiously. "My God, did you see him? Something's
wrong!"
"Yeah, no kidding," Ranma said, leaping down off the fence and breaking
into a run. Akane and Ukyo stuck close to his heels as he bolted down the
street, calling the other boy's name.
Ranma turned the corner and found himself at the entrance of a long,
shadowy alleyway. He glanced around quickly, wondering where Ryoga could
have possibly gone.
"Ranma?" Ukyo said hesitantly, noticing Ryoga's backpack lying seemingly
abandoned against the side of one of the buildings.
Ranma noticed it too. "Ryoga?" he called. "Ryoga, where are you?"
"I'm right here. What do you want?"
Ranma and the others jerked their heads up in surprise as Ryoga stepped
out of a doorway. If they'd thought he looked bad from a distance, they
were in for an even worse shock when they saw him from only a few yards
away. The Lost Boy's face was an odd pale shade, while his dark eyes were
bright and almost fevered; and his body seemed too small for the clothes
he was wearing, as though he hadn't eaten during the entire month he'd
been gone. He was holding something in his hand, but Ranma couldn't quite
make out what it was in the shadows.
"Ryoga," Ranma said. "What happened to you?"
The other boy's eyes narrowed, glittering brightly. "Nothing," he growled.
"Go away."
Ranma frowned slightly and walked forward, keeping his steps carefully
slow. "Wait a sec, man. What's wrong? You don't look like you're feeling
very well."
"Stay away," Ryoga told him. His voice carried a slight tremor in it.
Ranma paused momentarily. "Ryoga. What is it? What's wrong?" He started to
step closer, but suddenly Ryoga held up the object in his hand.
Ranma froze.
It was a gun.
"I t-told you to st-stay away," Ryoga hissed, both arms out in front of
him as he held the weapon in shaking hands. "I told you…to leave me
alone…"
Ranma swallowed hard, feeling his insides turn cold. "Ryoga," he said,
trying to keep his voice calm. "What are you doing with that?"
"I told you to stay away! Why couldn't you leave me alone?!" Ryoga cried,
his voice ragged.
"Alright," Ranma said agreeably. He was fairly sure Ryoga wouldn't use it;
no matter how many times he'd said something along the lines of 'Ranma
Saotome, prepare to die,' he refused to believe that Ryoga could actually
kill someone—it simply wasn't in his nature. "Just relax, Ok, Ryoga? Put
it down. You don't wanna hurt someone."
"That's where you're wrong," Ryoga said, his voice trembling. He flicked
back the hammer with an audible click.
Oh, damn. "Ryoga," Ranma said cautiously. "If you fire that, you might hit
Akane or Ukyo, or someone out in the street. You don't wanna do that-"
"No. I don't," Ryoga said flatly. "But who said I would?"
Ranma blinked once, not understanding. "Ryoga…" he said, feeling a prickle
of fear run up his spine.
"You think I'm gonna kill you?"
"I don't know what you're gonna do, pal, but I think you should put it
down."
"Ranma," Ryoga said, his voice suddenly even. "If you think I would spend
years learning techniques and training, just to kill you with a gun…" He
paused for several heartbeats, gazing at Ranma silently. Then Ryoga raised
the gun to his head.
"Think again."
Ryoga pulled the trigger.
"NO!" Ranma cried, leaping forward and trying to pull Ryoga's arm away.
Just as his hand connected with Ryoga's wrist, the gun went off, sounding
in Ranma's ears like a clap of thunder. The force of his momentum knocked
them both to the ground.
The gun skittered across the pavement as Ranma was already starting to
push himself off of Ryoga. Then he felt the hot wetness on his hand, and
glanced down at the rapidly widening bloodstain spreading over Ryoga's
chest.
"Ryoga?" Ranma breathed, cold fear filling him as he shifted his gaze to
the Lost Boy's face.
Ryoga blinked slowly, and Ranma slid a hand under his cheek so he could
look at him. Ryoga looked at him for a long moment, his dark eyes full of
pain. Then they closed.
* * * * * * * *
That was the last time I saw him alive.
I don't remember how we got to the hospital, but Shampoo, Mousse, Cologne,
were already there by the time we arrived. Nabiki was at a friend's house,
but everyone else came— Kasumi, Dad, and Mr. Tendo. Dr. Tofu had had them
call everyone he could think of that knew Ryoga, because they hadn't been
able to get a hold of his parents.
The bullet had entered his chest at an angle, going through the upper left
chamber of his heart and exiting just below his shoulder blade.
He'd still been breathing when they brought him in…but there wasn't much
of a chance that he'd survive.
We all refused to believe it. It was Ryoga, he was strong, if anyone could
survive it was him…I remember telling myself that over and over again
while I stood at the window and stared out. The branches of the trees were
black.
* * * * * * * *
The minutes ticked by like hours as Ranma stood and stared out the window.
If he looked too closely at the glass, he could see the reflections of the
others sitting on the uncomfortable furniture behind him—his own father
sitting on a chair opposite the window, Akane between Kasumi and her
father on a couch, Mousse and Shampoo on another while Cologne stood
behind them on her staff, and Ukyo on the one closest to him, also looking
out. Everyone but Cologne looked pale or stricken. Shampoo was staring at
the floor as Mousse did the same, his glasses pushed back on his forehead
to reveal his shocked, turquoise eyes. Akane was clenching her teeth in an
effort not to cry, and Kasumi was smoothing her wrinkleless skirt over and
over again with patient hands.
It was taking so long…was that good or bad? Ranma had no idea. He stared
out, focusing his gaze on the sky. It was covered in thunder-blue clouds
that seemed to roll over each other like waves. He felt something tighten
sharply in his chest, then release, as though something inside him had let
go. Tears formed in Ranma's eyes as he looked at the reflection in the
glass and saw someone come into the room. He turned expectantly as the
already-quiet room fell completely silent.
"I'm sorry," Dr. Tofu said.
Ranma squeezed his eyes shut as a unison wail of grief went up from the
other young people in the room.
Ryoga…no…please, God, no…Ryoga…
An icy feeling of despair began to spread through his body as his mind
screamed in anguished denial. Dead…Ryoga was dead…he'd failed…
Ranma ran for the door and dashed outside into the chill autumn air, the
words of the technique he'd never been able to do before already on his
lips.
"SHI-SHI HOKODAN!"
The pillar of energy shot up into the sky, illuminating the undersides of
the clouds with a lightning-blue glow.
Beneath it, the young man who was its source fell to his knees and covered
his face with his hands.
"Ryoga…"
The whispered name was lost to the wind.
~
When he returned to the waiting room, nothing had changed.
Shampoo was clinging to Mousse, crying quietly against his shoulder as he
held her, a narrow stream of tears leaking from his closed eyes. Cologne
stood behind them, her impassive expression signifying her grief. Akane
was sobbing against her father as Kasumi held a comforting hand on her
sister's shoulder and used her free one to wipe away her own tears. Genma
stared straight ahead at nothing. Ukyo looked up from the ball she had
curled into as Ranma entered and held open her arms.
"Ranchan," she whispered as they cried. "Oh God…how could he do this to
me? Ryoga, my poor Ryoga…"
It was a long time before the tears slowed down.
"I have to see him," Ranma said finally. "I can't just…"
Ukyo nodded and let him go. They both stood up slowly and looked at Dr.
Tofu, who nodded understandingly and led them down the hall.
"I-I don't think I can, Ranchan," Ukyo said as they stopped at a door. "I
need a little more time."
"It's alright," Ranma told her. "I can go in by myself."
Dr. Tofu opened the door for him and Ranma walked in. The room was small
and bare and white, save for a bed and a single chair.
Ranma went over to the bed slowly, half afraid to look.
Ryoga's eyes were closed, his thick black lashes lying against his pale,
white cheeks. His lips were colorless but for a faint blue tint, and his
night-dark hair fanned out on the pillow beneath his head.
"Ryoga?" Ranma whispered uncertainly. He was so pale and still, and he
looked so young without his bandana, it wasn't right...
Ranma felt more tears stinging his eyes as he stepped forward and lifted
one of Ryoga's cool hands. He shook it slightly, willing to feel Ryoga's
fingers move to grasp his own…but they remained cold and still. A stray
lock of hair hung against the Lost Boy's cheek, and Ranma reached out to
brush it back with a careful hand.
"Ryoga," Ranma said again, his voice choked. He fell to his knees and
began to sob, pressing his face against the side of the bed as he clung to
Ryoga's hand and let his tears come in earnest, grief overwhelming him
like a crushing wave.
Why? Ryoga, why…why did you do this? Why didn't I move faster? Ryoga,
Ryoga, Ryoga…
Finally Ranma climbed to his feet, his face soaked with tears.
"Why didn't you let me help you?" Ranma whispered desolately. "I would
have done anything…"
He gazed at his friend's still face for several long moments, then leaned
down to gently press his lips against Ryoga's forehead.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. He squeezed the hand he was holding then
released it carefully at Ryoga's side. Ranma found himself unable to say
anything more, so he turned and left the room, brushing away tears that he
knew would never really stop.
* * * * * * * * *
I didn't really understand what pain was like until the day you died.
I've known physical pain. I've felt the kind of pain from when someone
says something to hurt you. I've felt the pain of sadness, and the pain of
longing. But I'd never felt what the pain of losing someone is like. The
pain of loss. The pain of sorrow.
And nothing compares to the pain of despair.
After doing the Shi-shi Hokodan, I finally knew how Ryoga felt every time
he used the technique. To feel that…to the extent that he could perform it
almost at will…
I wish I'd been able to do one the first time I tried. That way, I
would've known what Ryoga went through. I would've known how a little bit
of him died inside every time.
I don't remember much of what happened the rest of that week. I don't know
if I ate or slept. I remember people talking to me sometimes, and I
remember giving some sort of answer. But mostly, I remember sitting on the
roof a lot, just the like the two of us used to do sometimes when we
weren't fighting. I remember thinking about him, and the way we used to
talk sometimes. I remember holding onto one of his bandanas; one I saved
from a time when Ryoga was trying to show me how to throw them. I'd been
annoyed because all I could do was make it flutter to the ground, and
Ryoga had laughed at me, though not in a mean way. Not the way I laughed
at him so much of the time… I remember hating myself for doing nothing to
help him all those years even though I knew he was depressed, for letting
Nabiki and Akane hurt him, for not moving fast enough the sole time it was
truly important…
The next thing I do remember clearly was the funeral.
* * * * * * * *
The inside of the room was dimly lit and decorated simply with white
flowers. Though the building itself was small, the room was easily large
enough to accommodate the two-dozen or so people who had come.
On top of a low dais in the front of the room lay a dark wooden coffin,
the upper half of which lay open to reveal the body of the young man
inside. The line of people moved slowly as each person stepped forward to
see him one last time and say their final goodbyes.
Shampoo walked forward, her pretty face streaked with tears. She gazed
down at the boy in the coffin, her usually-cheerful demeanor crushed by
her grief.
"Silly Ryoga," she said quietly, her voice choked with sadness. "Why you
go and make yourself die? Shampoo miss you." She lowered her head and
hurried away, covering her face with her hands.
Mousse watched her go before stepping forward himself. His white robes had
been traded for ones of black, blending with his long hair.
"Ryoga…" he said. His voice caught in his throat. "I'm…s-so sorry. I wish
there was something I could've done… It…it was an honor to know you." He
followed Shampoo, the hem of his robes swishing softly.
"My poor child," Cologne murmured in her slightly rasping voice. She was
no stranger to death, but familiarity in no way lessened the tragedy of
one so young and bright being compelled to take his own life. "You were
better than you judged yourself to be. Rest in peace."
Kasumi approached next, her soft brown eyes full of tears as she looked at
his still face. "Dear Ryoga…I'll miss you…" Unable to go on, she walked
away, wiping her eyes.
Akane followed her older sister. Incapable of stopping the tears flowing
from her eyes, she simply gave up and let them fall.
"Oh, Ryoga," Akane whispered. "I'm so sorry…for what I did to you. I'll
miss you so much…thank you for everything you've done for me. I'm sorry I
couldn't be as good a friend to you as you were to me. G-goodbye…"
Ukyo waited until Akane was out of earshot before speaking.
"Hey, Sugar," she said softly. "I…I promised myself I wouldn't c-cry while
I was doing this," she told him, brushing tears off her cheeks. "Guess I'm
not doing such a good job." She closed her eyes for a moment, taking a
shaky breath. "Oh, Ryoga," Ukyo continued, "I'm so sorry…I-I wish I'd
t-told you before…" She brushed away more tears, almost angrily.
"Jackass," she whispered fondly, managing a tiny smile. She kissed two of
her fingers, then pressed them lightly against his lips. "I'll miss you."
Ranma was the last to come. His eyes were dry though he could feel the
tears wanting to form. He fought them back; he wanted to see his friend
this last time with clear vision. He knew this wasn't really Ryoga
anymore, it was just a body…but it was Ryoga's body nonetheless; and
though the chi was gone, Ranma could feel the remaining shadow of his aura
still, however faint.
"Ryoga…" he sighed, clutching the bandana he held in his hands in an
almost desperate grip. "I have so much to say to you…but not now. Just…I'm
sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't fast enough. I'm sorry for all the times I hurt
you. I'm sorry I didn't have the sense to tell you I was sorry until it
was already too late…" He paused and swallowed hard. "I'm gonna miss you
so much…I already do. I'm sorry..."
~
The sky over the cemetery was low and gray, as it often is in November;
and the late autumn air was beginning to carry the more prominent chill of
impending winter.
A small group of people stood gathered around a new grave. Many held
flowers in their hands, the bright colors standing out sharply against the
somberness of the surroundings. The people stood in pairs or small groups,
pressing close to those near them.
Ranma felt the wind blow through his hair and ripple the black silk of his
Chinese-style shirt, but he paid no attention as he stared at the box
containing the body of his friend. In his hands he clutched the scrap of
black-and-yellow silk that had practically become a part of him. He didn't
want to look at the other people there, to see their tear-streaked faces
and sad eyes. The fact that Ryoga was dead was enough of a burden to bear
at the moment; he couldn't deal with the guilt as well.
The words of the priest went on, but Ranma wasn't listening to them. Akane
was pressed against his left side, sobbing quietly; while Ukyo stood
silent at his right, her hand slipped through his arm. Mousse and Shampoo
were a few feet to Akane's left, their arms around each other as Cologne
stood beside them. On the other side, Kasumi stood between her father and
Nabiki. The middle Tendo sister was not crying, but her normally composed
face was stricken, and it was obvious that she was wondering exactly how
much of the guilt lay on her. Kuno and Kodachi were there too, both for
once quiet and unobtrusive. Kodachi had known Ryoga only in brief passing,
and though Kuno had known him only marginally better, there was a shade of
sadness in their eyes. Ranma's father was standing with Soun, his
expression stoically impassive as he periodically glanced at Happosai, who
looked despondent despite himself and was uncharacteristically
well-behaved. There were a few other people scattered randomly about the
edges of the small crowd—Dr. Tofu, a few of the Hibikis' neighbors, Azusa
and Mikado. Near the front stood the Hibikis themselves. Ranma couldn't
bring himself to meet their eyes even though he knew he was one of the few
people here that they recognized. Their faces were wracked with grief as
they held each other and stared at the small tombstone, but Ranma was
afraid he would see anger in their eyes if he looked at them, anger
directed towards him even though they couldn't possibly know what had gone
on that day in October. And why shouldn't they be angry, Ranma reasoned.
Their only son, their only child, was dead.
The flowers were too bright, Ranma thought as people began to step forward
and lay them upon the grave. Red roses from the people he didn't know.
Pink ones from Azusa. Purple lilies from Shampoo, white carnations from
Mousse. Yellow and peach daisies from Akane. Pink hydrangeas from Kasumi.
Blue asters and baby's breath from Kuno…they stood out sharply against
dark wood and gray sky and faded grass. The only ones that seemed right
were Ukyo's pale yellow roses, and Kodachi's bouquet of soft black. The
contrasting colors of the flowers made them look unreal, and suddenly
Ranma wondered if this was real, it suddenly didn't make sense, Ryoga
couldn't be dead, he couldn't be at his best friend's funeral because his
best friend couldn't really be dead, not when the flowers were so colorful
when everything else looked gray, and how did this all happen…?
Ranma felt someone's hand on his arm, and he discovered Kuno standing
there to steady him, mute sympathy in his eyes. Ukyo rejoined his side and
they began to walk away. Ranma paused in his tracks and looked over his
shoulder, his thoughts still whirling and confused. Ryoga…Ryoga was…
"Ranma," Ukyo said to him quietly.
"Ukyo…Ryoga…they're going to…"
Ukyo faltered slightly. "I know," she said. "Don't think about it,
Ranchan. It's not really him anymore, remember?"
Then where is he? Ranma wondered, looking up at the endless gray sky.
Ryoga…where are you…
The sky didn't answer.
* * * * * * * * *
Nothing seemed right again after that.
I remember lying awake that night, thinking about him. I knew Ukyo was
right, but I couldn't help having this feeling that he was there in the
cemetery, cold and alone…
Everyone stayed sad for a few weeks, but eventually they started acting
normally again. They started laughing and smiling and talking again,
almost as if nothing had happened.
But I didn't.
It also became obvious that things between everyone had changed. Akane and
Ukyo rarely spoke to each other anymore. Shampoo didn't fight with them,
but she was obviously having trouble trying to keep up even a bit of her
former niceness with either of them, and she stopped giving all her
attention to me. Mousse only acted formally towards everyone aside from
Shampoo, unless you count the way his features hardened when he saw Akane.
Ukyo was the only person I bothered to talk to anymore, and those
occasions were rare since both of us spent most of our time alone. Kodachi
all but disappeared from our lives, and Kuno seemed to abandon any
remaining affection he had for Akane or the 'pigtailed girl.' The bottom
line was that despite Ryoga's periodic absences, he'd been a fixed member
of our group. Without him, we were falling apart.
The first time I left the house after the funeral, I found myself at the
graveyard again. It had been about a week, and I didn't feel any better
than I had the day he died.
No one could understand what my problem was. They knew he was my friend,
but he was also my rival, and he wasn't around all the time anyway, so how
could I be so messed up over him being gone for good? They didn't know.
The time I spent with him, especially the times when we weren't really
fighting, were the best I'd had. There was no pressure about engagements
and marriages and crap like that with him. He was the one I could fall
back on if I needed to. He was someone I could talk to, someone I could
understand at least a little, and would understand me back. And he was
gone.
I wanted him back. I would've given anything, just to have him back, even
if it was only for one more day.
And that was something I couldn't have.
* * * * * * * * *
The days got steadily colder as December approached and settled in,
freezing the ground solidly and making the grass crisp with frost. The
cold encouraged people to stay inside with the warmth, and look forward to
the approaching holidays and new year. Such cheerful distraction made the
season seem much less foreboding, and helped many to nearly forget the
death of a boy they once knew.
But not all.
For Ranma, most of the days passed in a meaningless blur of faces and
actions. He became quiet and somewhat withdrawn, rarely speaking unless he
was spoken to, and began losing interest in school and his friends. He
often found himself alone, sitting on Tendos' roof, or more commonly at
the cemetery, where he would kneel by Ryoga's grave for hours on end.
Eventually, the people around him stopped sympathizing and took to mostly
ignoring him instead. Some began to grow annoyed with him—Akane and his
father, mainly—and would try to goad him into a fight or at least some
sort of reaction. The only reaction they usually got was for Ranma to walk
away wordlessly, and to try to stop him was to be pushed or hit out of the
way.
The cemetery soon became the place where Ranma spent most of his time. He
found himself skipping school more and more frequently in order to spend
his days there, where he would sit at his friend's grave, sometimes
leaning back against the edge of the modest tombstone. Much of the time he
simply sat silently, holding Ryoga's bandana in his hand while the wind
waved through the frozen grass; but most of the time he spoke as though
the Lost Boy was right there with him, remembering things that they'd done
together, complaining about school and home, and anything else that came
to his mind while he was there. Sometimes he cried without even noticing
until the wind had half-frozen the tears to his face. Sometimes Ranma
started to believe what most people had been telling him lately; that he
was being insensible, Ryoga was gone and it wouldn't do anyone any good to
walk around in a useless trance all the time. But then he would think
about Ryoga, and how he'd spent so much of his life alone and lost; and
Ranma couldn't stand the idea of abandoning him in the cemetery, even if
it was just his body.
This day in mid-December was no different. Ranma had skipped school again
to come, and was sitting cross-legged a few feet in front of the
headstone, his elbows resting on his legs as he wove Ryoga's bandana
through his fingers and talked.
"Akane's been real annoying this week. I know that's probably the last
thing you wanna hear coming from me, but honestly, I ain't done a thing to
her to tick her off. All she does is nag me about every little thing when
I'm around. I don't know how she can blame me for what goes on at the
house since I'm hardly ever there. And she's been tryin' to cook more
lately, if you can even call it cooking. You know I don't mean to be mean
to her, but I swear she's getting' worse. Half the stuff don't even look
edible anymore, and last week Kasumi had to open all the windows in the
kitchen to let out the fumes from her cabbage rolls. At least I didn't
have to eat 'em, though. Kasumi made her put 'em in the disposal 'cause
there was this blue stuff bubbling out the sides. Yesterday she yelled at
me for bein' five minutes late for dinner, even though she didn't cook it.
I don't get why. It ain't like she enjoys my company or nothin', so who
cares if I ain't there? I told her it was because I thought she might've
made it, and I didn't feel like eating something that should have a
biohazard sign attached to it."
Ranma paused for a moment, a small, sad smile forming on his face. "Huh.
It's kinda strange, telling you this. I keep expecting you to jump out
from behind a rock or something, yelling about how I shouldn't talk to her
that way and all that." The smile faded. "I wish you would."
Ranma bit his lower lip and glanced down at the piece of black-and-yellow
silk in his hand, then pulled his up knees and hugged them to his chest as
hot tears formed in his eyes.
"It's been almost six weeks," he said. "Six weeks…you've been gone longer
than that before and I hardly noticed. But it's different now…you're not
coming back…God, Ryoga, why didn't you tell me what was wrong? If there
was anything I could've done to make you forgive me, I would've done it…"
He swiped at the tears with the back of his hand. "They don't get it, you
know. They think I'm bein' stupid or weird or somethin', just 'cause I
still miss you…"
"Ranchan?"
Ranma lifted his head to see Ukyo standing a few feet from him. She was
wearing her usual school uniform, but she didn't have her spatula, and it
was obvious she was a girl beneath her clothes. She was holding a handful
of pale yellow roses.
"Ucchan. How come you're not at school?"
"I could ask you the same," Ukyo said. She glanced at the gravestone, then
looked at the ground. "You come here a lot, don't you?" she asked.
"I got nothin' better to do," Ranma replied, feeling a little bristly that
someone had come to interrupt him. Ukyo sighed and knelt down beside him,
laying the flowers in her lap.
"Yeah," she said quietly. "I cut my last two classes."
"I was wondering who kept bringing flowers," Ranma said.
Ukyo blushed slightly. "I know it's kind of stupid, especially since
winter's coming. But after they took the other ones away, no one brought
any new ones—his parents left, I guess—and it didn't seem r-right…to just
leave it all bare..." she explained. "I mean, he deserves to have flowers,
d-doesn't he…?" Her voice wavered, and her bright blue eyes filled with
tears.
"Yeah," Ranma told her. "I thought about that once…but I don't really have
any money, and there aren't any around, so…" he trailed off.
Ukyo looked at him. "So you're the one who brought the evergreen."
"Yeah," he said after a moment. "I guess that means you come here a lot,
too."
She nodded and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I usually
come in the morning. Before school. But sometimes…I mean, seeing everyone
else just walk around acting normal…"
"It seems unreal, right?" Ranma finished for her. "You can't figure out
how everyone can still act that way, not when you feel like…"
"Like someone tore off a piece of your heart took it away?"
Ranma gazed at her silently for a moment. "I…didn't think of it that way
before. But now that you've said it…"
Ukyo nodded and shifted her eyes down to the roses in her lap, remaining
silent for several moments. "I had a crush on him, y'know," she said
suddenly.
"What?" Ranma asked dubiously. "You…had a crush on Ryoga?"
Ukyo nodded, still staring down at her lap. "Yeah. But I was afraid to say
anything about it, 'cause I'm supposed to be engaged to you. Besides, he
seemed so in love with Akane that I just figured there wasn't any point in
even trying…" She brushed a tear from her face. "But…I think I might've
been in l-love with him…"
"When did that happen?" Ranma asked.
Ukyo shrugged. "Does anyone ever know something like that? It just…things
sort of added up. At first I thought he was just some jackass, but every
once in a while he'd do or say something really nice…and he could be so
funny sometimes, without even meaning to be 'cause he took everything so
seriously. One time when he came in to ask for directions, I was having an
awful day and started crying." She shook her head. "He was afraid he'd
done something to make it happen, and he started apologizing and getting
all wound up and asking what was wrong. I told him it wasn't him, it was
that I didn't like being engaged because all it was doing was making your
life more messed up, and you were the only friend I really had here…he was
still all worried, so he gave me a necklace that he got for Akane. He said
he wanted me to have it instead so I wouldn't cry about having only one
friend anymore, because if he gave it to me it meant that he was my
friend, too…I'd never had someone treat me like that before. And then in
the Tunnel of Lost Love…"
Ranma nodded slowly. It made enough sense, though Ukyo had hidden it well,
and Ryoga probably hadn't had a clue—he'd been so oblivious about things
like that that the only way he'd ever figure it out was if you made him
sit down and told him outright. It wasn't that he'd been stupid or
anything; it was just that years of being neglected and long weeks on the
road hadn't given him much social training. It had always seemed sadly
funny that Ryoga could lapse into perfect formal manners around people
like Kasumi, yet be so naïve and erratic when it came to casual sociality;
flipping between being gullible and being overly-suspicious, and putting
on a front of belligerent anger when hurt or afraid.
"Ranchan…"
"Hmm?"
Ukyo looked at him intently. "Why do you come here?"
Ranma stared at her. "What're ya talkin' about."
Ukyo fidgeted slightly. "Well…I mean, I know you guys were friends,
k-kinda, but you…"
"Fought all the time? Acted like we hated each other?" Ranma asked. She
nodded, and he shrugged. "I dunno. Alternate way of communicating, I
guess. He didn't like talking that much, 'specially 'bout something that
was really bothering him, y'know? So I thought it was better to just let
him fight and yell nonsense about whatever." His voice took on a different
tone. "'Course, that ain't what you're supposed to do. Supposed to have
made him talk. By the time I found that out, it was…already too late."
"So you feel guilty?"
Ranma scowled slightly. "Yeah. Why shouldn't I, all I did was make
everything worse. But that ain't the real reason I come."
"O-oh," Ukyo said. "So you…"
"Yes, I miss him. I know it sounds crazy, but he was my best friend."
Ranma sighed. "You know what time it is?" he asked.
Ukyo tugged back her sleeve. "It's almost five." She glanced up at the
sky, frowning at the slight reddening of the clouds near the western
horizon. "It'll be getting dark pretty soon."
Ranma's scowl deepened. "Yeah, an' Akane an' Pop an' anyone else who's
around'll be waitin' to bitch at me for not bein' home."
Ukyo raised an eyebrow. "You'll get in trouble?"
Ranma shrugged. "Not like I care. What're they gonna do to me? They just
yell. And I'll hear it even worse when Akane decides to rat on me for
skippin' school again."
The okonomiyaki chef cast him an empathetic glance. "They don't
understand, do they."
Ranma shook his head. "No. And I wish Nabiki had picked a college further
away so she wouldn't be living at home. I can't stand seein' her, knowing
that she started this whole thing." He clenched his fists. "I mean…I'm the
one who started the whole fight between me and Ryoga, but I keep wondering
that maybe if she hadn't set it all loose the way she did, he wouldn't
have…"
"I know," Ukyo said quietly. "I start going over the 'what-ifs' every day.
Mostly I wonder if I'd told him how I felt…maybe he wouldn't have taken
the thing with Akane so bad…but wondering doesn't change anything, does
it?"
"I don't think so," Ranma replied. He stood up reluctantly, then offered a
hand to Ukyo. Once on her feet, she stepped forward to carefully lay the
roses atop the slim branch of pine already there.
"Bye for now," she whispered.
I'll be back, Ranma said silently. You can count on it, pal.
Ukyo and Ranma walked away together, as the night began to fall around
them.
~
The days grew shorter still as winter settled itself in with soft
blanketings of snow. The holidays came and went meaninglessly for Ranma,
and soon January was upon them. Ranma paid little attention to the passing
of the days; for him the only moments of any importance were the ones he
spent at the cemetery, or thinking about the past and Ryoga. The only
person he ever really talked to anymore was Ukyo, and Ranma found that he
was the only person she really spoke to anymore as well.
It was nearly February when Ranma realized that he no longer loved Akane.
It happened rather suddenly one day as they were walking home from school.
Akane was once again lecturing him on how he was too quiet and didn't do
anything anymore, and where did he go when he disappeared for hours at a
time, was he going to see Shampoo? Ranma ignored her until he heard her
say Ryoga's name.
"…I don't see what your problem is," Akane was saying. "I can't believe
you're still moping. It's been months, Ranma. Honestly, what good do you
think it's going to do? He's not coming back. And besides, don't you have
any consideration for Ukyo whatsoever? I think she was in love with him,
and here you are acting as though the world's ending and making things
worse-"
Akane stopped short when she realized Ranma had moved and was standing
directly in front of her. She started to scowl at him for being so rude,
but the cold look in his eyes swept the look from off her face.
"R-Ranma?"
"You're right," Ranma said, his voice low but sharp. "Ukyo was in love
with him. But you know what? Maybe I loved him a little too, Akane. Did
you ever think of that?" His dark blue eyes glittered. "He was my best
friend. So don't you even dare to tell me I should get over him. Don't
even dare."
Then he turned on his heel and walked away, leaving her to gape after him
in astonishment. Ranma felt her eyes on him, could feel her indignation
and hurt…
And discovered he didn't care.
The realization was a little startling. Ranma searched himself to see if
there was anything left inside him for her…but there was nothing. The
Akane he'd loved was the kind though hot-tempered girl with a liking for
fun and a pretty smile. Ranma felt a twinge of sadness when he realized
that girl was gone, likely for good. But it was just another loss among
several.
Without even thinking about it, Ranma slipped a hand in his pocket and
pulled out the worn bandana, holding it tightly as he continued walking.
~
Later, Ranma was preparing to exit the house through his bedroom window—a
habit he'd picked up after growing sick of the grilling he usually got
from whoever was close by whenever he went near the door—when someone
knocked on the one to his room. He half considered just leaving anyway and
screw whoever it was, but he decided that if someone knew he was in his
room and then opened the door and found it empty, they'd spread the word
to the everyone else about his newest exit route.
Repressing a sigh, Ranma went and yanked the door open, expecting it to be
Kasumi since Akane or his father wouldn't bother with knocking. He was a
little surprised to find Nabiki standing there instead, since she seemed
to have learned months ago that the best thing for her to do was avoid
him.
"What do you wan-" Ranma started to ask harshly, but then he saw that
Nabiki had been crying. As much as he detested her, he still couldn't
bring himself to be deliberately cruel to someone who was obviously
already upset over something. "Do you need something?" Ranma asked
instead, taking the edge out of his voice. He frowned slightly as Nabiki
held something out to him.
"Here," she said, thrusting it towards him. Ranma looked down and saw it
was a photograph, though Nabiki was holding it facedown. "I found it when
I was looking through a box of pictures. I…I th-thought you might want
it."
Ranma wasn't sure what else to do, so he took it and muttered a word of
thanks. Nabiki walked back down the hall towards her own room, so Ranma
stepped back inside and closed the door again. Feeling curious, he flipped
the photo over to look at the image on the other side.
Ranma felt something catch in his throat at the sight. It was a picture of
him and Ryoga, and he immediately recognized it. It was from nearly a year
ago, taken during one of their more relaxed moments together. They'd been
sitting on the edge of the porch in the afternoon sunlight, and Ryoga was
holding something in his hands for Ranma to see. Ranma had been laughing,
and Ryoga had a rare smile on his face.
Ranma felt tears well in his eyes as he thought back to the warm spring
day.
"You wanna see something weird?" Ryoga asked. He pulled something slender
and white from his pack and held it out for Ranma to see.
"What the…?" Ranma said bemusedly, staring at the object Ryoga held.
"Weird, huh?"
"Where'd you get that?" Ranma asked.
"I met a girl in Tokyo who was from America. She asked me to show her how
to use chopsticks, but she got exasperated 'cause she couldn't really make
it work. Then she pulled a box of these out and told me it was what they
used in America sometimes. She said it's easier than chopsticks, at least
for her," Ryoga told him.
"What the heck is it?" Ranma asked, looking at it curiously. It looked
sort of like a spoon, but there were a few lines cut down the middle of
it, giving it a distinctly odd appearance.
"She called it a 'spork,'" Ryoga said.
"What?" Ranma asked, thinking he hadn't heard right.
"A spork," Ryoga said again.
"No way!" Ranma cried, though he was grinning. "You're makin' that up."
Ryoga shook his head, a smile breaking across his features. "I'm not!" he
protested. "Really. It's a cross between a spoon and a fork," he
explained. "That makes it a spork..."
Ranma laughed. It was a silly thing to be amused over, but he was with
Ryoga and they weren't fighting and there were no fiancées or parents and
even if it would only be for a little while, it was good…
Ranma sighed as the memory faded. Nabiki must have been walking past with
her camera at the time, collector of strange and often profitable pictures
that she was.
Ranma looked at the photo for a long moment, then carefully tucked it in
his pocket before sliding open the window and slipping out.
* * * * * * * *
It was around that time that things began to change again.
Akane got even worse around me. At first I thought it was because I kept
ignoring her, but then I realized it had to be something else. She was too
spiteful for it to be that. Jealousy, maybe. I'd loved her before she made
herself into what she is now, and even if she'd never known that, I guess
she picked up on the fact that I sure as hell didn't—and wasn't ever going
to—now. That would be like her getting jealous over a brother or
something, but I did love you, and no matter how platonic and familial, it
was still more than she was getting from me…
I'd been having nightmares about the things that had happened ever since
the day he died. I would dream about what happened with Akane in the dojo,
but in the dream I had to watch everything she did to him. I dreamed about
the alley, where I tried to save him but was too slow, and had to watch
the blood spreading over his chest as he began to die over and over again.
They got so bad eventually that I stopped sleeping most of the night. When
it was cloudy, I'd go in the dojo and do katas until it was almost dawn.
But when it was clear, I'd go sit on the roof instead to watch the stars
and the moon as they moved across the sky, and remember.
But then the dreams changed. They were always about Ryoga, but they
weren't really nightmares anymore. One time I dreamed about going into the
dojo and finding him sitting on the floor there, crying. The floor was all
broken just as it had been after Akane had finished with him, but he
didn't have any bruises or anything. I asked him why he was crying, and he
said that he hadn't meant to make me feel so bad. I didn't understand at
first, but then I remembered he was dead. He told me he knew I blamed
myself for what had happened, and he said he was sorry for making me feel
like it was all my fault, because it wasn't. He said he hadn't meant it to
be that way. I tried to tell him it was alright, but then I woke up. I had
another dream that we were at Ukyo's again, and I was holding his hands.
He said I had to let him go, but I didn't want to because I knew what
would happen if he left. I told him I didn't want him to leave, but he
kept shaking his head and saying "Let me go, let me go," until everything
faded away. In another one, I found him standing, leaning against a wall.
His arms were crossed over his chest and he was shivering, and his face
was pale. As I got closer to him, I realized he was wearing his sleeveless
yellow shirt. I saw that he had bandages on his wrists, and the wind was
blowing through his hair and making it wave to one side. He looked like he
was cold and afraid, and I asked him what he was doing outside when it was
so cold. He said "I'm scared," so I asked him why. He said that he
couldn't go because I hadn't let him, and now he couldn't find his way and
he was afraid. Then he said, "I'm alone," and started to cry. I told him
he wasn't alone because I was right there, and that I would stay with him,
but he said I would have to leave soon because there was only one way I
could stay, and he didn't want that. Then he said he couldn't find the way
unless someone showed him. I told him I would show him, even though I
didn't understand what he was talking about, but he just shook his head
and kept crying…
There were others too, ones I don't remember so well. They bothered me
more than the nightmares, in a way. In the nightmares I knew it was just
my own guilt; but the others were clear and more real, and they were
somehow more frightening because Ryoga was always upset and I could never
do anything about it.
And I didn't just see Ryoga in them, I felt him. In those dreams, it
really was like standing right beside him.
The first time I saw him, I thought I was going insane. I know a lot of
people thought I was regardless, but I wasn't. I'm not now, either. But on
that day near the end of the month when I looked up from where I was
sitting and saw him standing behind the headstone, I thought maybe they
were right and I was losing it…
* * * * * * * *
Ranma was kneeling at his usual spot in the cemetery, staring at the piece
of cloth he held in his hands. The bright yellow had faded, and the edges
were beginning to fray from handling, but he refused to throw it away. He
held it carefully, afraid that if he didn't it would fall apart some day,
and that was something Ranma knew he wouldn't be able to take. The photo
would be even more fragile, and Ranma tried not to hold it much; at least
not until he could get a plastic sleeve for it or something.
He was thinking about the dreams he'd been having lately; the vivid,
surreal dreams that were so unlike the nightmares he'd grown almost
accustomed to. Ryoga was always in them, and instead of the slightly
muddled quality dreams usually have, they were always remarkably clear. It
was good in a way, but it also hurt for Ranma to see him, to hear his
voice, because even in the dreams Ranma knew that Ryoga had died. But most
of all, they troubled him. Ryoga said things that Ranma didn't always
understand, and he found he had no more luck trying to decipher them in
his waking hours than he did while he was in the dream. He knew it was
silly to think anything of it, but it seemed as though Ryoga was trying to
tell him something. But that was ridiculous, Ryoga was gone, and the
dreams were nothing but fragments of Ranma's imagination mixing together
in slumber…
Ranma suddenly had the sense that there was someone near him. He glanced
up quickly, feeling alarmed that someone had gotten close without him
picking up on it sooner. He tensed himself to spring into a defensive
position when he found someone standing a few feet in front of him…
Until he saw who it was.
The young man before him was gazing at Ranma with sad hazel eyes that were
shadowed by night-dark bangs held back by a yellow-and-black bandana
identical to the one in Ranma's hand.
"R-Ryoga…?" Ranma whispered, his voice banished by shock. He felt a surge
of wild hope mixed with disbelief and a hint of fear move through him as
he stared. It can't be, it can't be, his mind told him over and over
again, though his heart was pounding with elation. Ranma felt suddenly
dizzy, and heard the sound of the wind blowing through the grass. He
blinked once and looked again…
There was no one there.
Ranma gazed at the empty space where, for a brief moment, his friend had
been standing. Then he jumped to his feet, looking around wildly for any
sign of a figure wearing a yellow shirt.
No one. There was no one here but him…
Ranma felt a tremor run through him. Had he…he couldn't have seen Ryoga,
it was impossible…but he could've sworn he had, there was no way he could
imagine seeing him so clearly, but he couldn't have, that was crazy…
"Damn," Ranma exhaled, letting himself collapse onto the ground. He held a
hand to his forehead, trying to get a grip on his whirling thoughts. "No,"
he muttered to himself. "No, no, it can't, I'm not going crazy, can't,
can't have been him, no…" Hot tears stung his eyes and squeezed them shut,
repressing the sob threatening to break loose. The wind blew again,
rustling softly through the grass, and Ranma felt something slip past him
on the breeze; a wisp of warmth that was somehow familiar…it seemed strong
yet fragile, and was tinged with a deep sadness that Ranma had only felt
while in the presence of one other person…
Ranma opened his eyes and lifted his head, turning his face to look after
the direction the wind was going.
"Ryoga…"
~
As the weeks continued to pass, Ranma began to see him more and more
frequently. At first the notion had scared him a little—he couldn't help
thinking back to the time he'd tangled with the Vengeful-Spirit doll at
the Doll Inn, and having watched multiple campy horror movies didn't help
either. But Ranma hadn't seen or felt anything vengeful at the cemetery
that day; it had only felt like Ryoga was there for a brief instant and
then gone.
Just when Ranma was beginning to doubt the incident had happened at all,
he saw Ryoga again. He was at the graveyard, and something had made him
glance over to the low wall lining the grounds. Ryoga was sitting on the
wall, looking back at him with dark eyes, his expression one of quiet
sadness. Ranma blinked to make sure he was really seeing what he thought
he was seeing; and Ryoga was still there, dressed in his familiar outfit
of yellow and black. When Ranma gained enough sense to move, the other boy
vanished but for that small trace of aura he had felt before.
A few days later, Ranma looked out the window of his bedroom and saw Ryoga
walking across the yard, away from the house. As Ryoga neared the wall, he
began to fade until eventually he was gone altogether.
Meanwhile, Ranma continued to have the dreams. Sometimes they were similar
to others he'd had before, though Ryoga never said exactly the same thing
to him. Sometimes Ryoga was wearing the bandages on his arms, other times
he was wearing long sleeves. Sometimes he'd be crying, sometimes not; but
he always looked and sounded sad no matter what Ranma did or said.
By the middle of March, it wasn't uncommon for Ranma to see him at least
every other day. The places he saw him became more varied as well—Ranma
would see him standing near the corner of the playing field at school
during his gym class, or he'd glance out at the yard and Ryoga would be
sitting on one of the rocks surrounding the koi pond. He saw him standing
in the doorway to the living room in the house, and one time when Ranma
was sitting on the roof, he turned to find Ryoga sitting right beside him.
Sometimes it would be several minutes before Ryoga disappeared, and
eventually Ranma became used to his presence enough to have the wits to
speak to him.
The first time he tried, Ranma was in the dojo. He looked up to see Ryoga
standing by the door that opened into the yard, his expression sad as
always.
"Ryoga?" Ranma said tentatively, feeling the familiar pain in his chest
that he got every time he saw him.
The other boy didn't answer, but only shut his eyes for a moment and then
turned to look outside over his shoulder.
"What is it?" Ranma asked him gently.
Ryoga looked at him again, then shook his head slowly. Ranma started to
step forward, but the sun glared off of something and into his eyes,
momentarily blinding him. When he could see again, Ryoga wasn't there.
Ranma tried again when he saw Ryoga standing in the hall a couple days
later. He had that heartbreakingly sad look in his dark eyes, and he gazed
at Ranma almost pleadingly.
"What is it, pal?" Ranma said to him. "What're you trying to tell me?"
"Ranma!" snapped a voice from behind him, making him jump. "Who are you
talking to? There's nobody there!"
Ranma turned, startled, to look at his enraged fiancée. He glanced back at
where Ryoga had been, but the hallway was now empty. The remaining trace
of the Lost Boy's aura felt different than it usually did, and Ranma had a
feeling that Akane had frightened him.
"Ranma," Akane said, angry at being ignored. "I asked you a question!"
The pigtailed boy gave her a dagger-like stare. "None of your damn
business. How's that for an answer?"
Later, Ranma realized that those were the most words he'd spoken to Akane
all week long.
* * * * * * * * * *
I didn't know what it meant then, not yet. But I was pretty sure I wasn't
going crazy, anymore.
I hated seein' you look so sad all the time, and not bein' able to do
anything about it.
But that's all gonna change soon…
* * * * * * * * * *
A few days later, Ranma overheard Kasumi talking to her father and his own
about getting him some counseling. She said it didn't seem healthy for
Ranma to still be so aggrieved over Ryoga's death, and then she related
the bit about Akane finding him addressing empty air in the hallway. The
two men seemed more concerned over how his mental health would affect the
marriage of the families than they did over Ranma himself, which didn't
surprise Ranma at all. However, he did think it was time to ask the only
whose opinion meant anything to him for their thoughts on the matter—just
to be sure.
It was cloudy outside, and cold. It reminded Ranma of the day of the
funeral, and he thought back over everything that happened since that day
Ryoga had come back to town in October as he walked…
~
Ukyo glanced up when she heard someone enter the restaurant. "Oh,
Ranchan," she said. "There you are. I haven't seen you in a couple of
days. What's goin' on?"
Ranma managed a weak smile of greeting. "Hi, Ucchan," he said, sliding
onto a stool opposite where she was standing. "I wasn't feeling up to
school on Saturday, either, I guess."
Ukyo frowned slightly. "I can understand that. It's not much fun anymore,
is it."
"Not especially," Ranma agreed. He ran a hand through his bangs.
"What's on your mind, Sugar?" she asked, noticing the gesture.
Ranma took a breath and glanced up at her. "Ucchan…you know those dreams
I've been having?"
"The nightmares?" she asked.
"The other ones," he replied.
"Sure," she said easily, though Ranma could hear the underlying melancholy
in her voice. "What about 'em?"
Ranma looked down at the counter as though there was something explicitly
interesting about it. "Well…they ain't the only things that have
been…y'know, gettin' to me lately."
Ukyo raised an eyebrow. "Something new?" she asked. "Or is Akane just on
another mean streak?"
"She ain't ever been off her last one," Ranma muttered. He swallowed hard.
"Ucchan…" he said hesitantly. "Do you think…do you think that if a
person…sees things sometimes—y'know, things that other people don't always
see…do you think that makes a person…like, sick or something?"
Ukyo eyed him shrewdly. "I guess it would all depend," she said carefully.
"Is there something going on, Ranchan?"
Ranma looked at her wearily. "For over a month now, I've been seein'…I've
been seein' him, Ucchan."
Ukyo stared at him, her blue eyes wide. "Oh, Ranma," she breathed softly.
A moment later, she was over the counter and had her arms wrapped around
him.
"Ucchan?" Ranma said bewilderedly.
"You've been seeing him, too!" she cried happily. "Oh, Ranchan, I thought
I was going crazy! But if you can see him, then it must be real!"
"W-wait, you see him?" Ranma asked. "Ryoga? You see him?"
Ukyo pushed herself back from him and nodded, her eyes bright with tears.
"Ever since February," she said, one hand immediately rising to a small
tear-shaped pendant made of rainbow moonstone hung on a delicate silver
chain around her neck. "At first I thought it was just in my head, like I
wanted to see him so badly he was just appearing. But then I started
seeing him more and more, and I thought I was losing it, but I could feel
him too, so I didn't know what to think…"
Ranma blinked at her in astonishment as he took in her words. "Oh my God,"
he said finally. "Ukyo…has he said anything to you? Anything at all?"
Ukyo shook her head. "No…I tried talking to him once, but it was like he
couldn't answer. Did he say anything to you, Ranchan?"
Ranma shook his head slowly. "No," he said. "But it's like you said…it's
like he wants to but he can't. He only talks in my dreams."
Ukyo brushed a tear from her cheek. "What do you think it means? He always
looks so sad when I see him…"
Ranma reached into his pocket, pulling out first the bandana and then the
photo. He gazed at them for a long moment, then glanced up at Ukyo. She
was holding the pendant between her thumb and forefinger.
"Oh," they both said at the same time.
"I think I understand now," Ranma said.
"I think I do, too."
Ranma glanced down again, running his fingers over the smooth silk of the
bandana as he studied at the picture.
"Are you gonna to go through with it?" he asked her quietly.
"There isn't much else to do, is there?" she replied.
Ranma looked at her and smiled, the first real smile he'd felt in a long
time. "Nope," he said, his voice taking on the cocky, self-confident note
that it had been missing since November. "Guess their ain't." He stood up,
slipping the items back in his pocket as he did so.
Ukyo smiled back, despite the tears in her eyes. "I guess I'll see you
soon then, Ranma-honey."
"Sure thing, Ucchan," Ranma said. He opened his arms and hugged her close
to him, his heart feeling suddenly light. "Q and P, got it?" Ranma asked.
"Got it," Ukyo answered resolutely, her smile widening. "I think I'll
close early and draw myself a bath."
"Ok," Ranma said softly. Ukyo stepped back from his embrace. She caught
his hand and gave it a squeeze.
"Bye," she said to him. "Take care, now."
Ranma gave her an easy grin. "You can count on it," he said as he headed
for the door. "I'll see ya, Ucchan."
"I'll look forward to it, Ranchan," she said. They smiled at each other
one last time before Ranma stepped outside, sliding the door shut behind
him. He walked down the street, humming a tune under his breath. The sun
was out now, shining in a bright blue sky, and the air was warmer than it
had been in weeks. It was beginning to look as though spring might be on
its way after all. A bird sitting on a fence let out a merry chirp as he
passed, and Ranma let a smile slip on his face yet again.
* * * * * * * * *
After all those weeks of Ryoga trying to tell me, Ucchan and I finally
figured it out. The dreams, seeing him—everything made sense all of a
sudden when we were standing there together, holding all we had left of
him.
We didn't let him go, you see. Me and Ucchan…we couldn't let Ryoga go,
deep down. We clung to whatever we had, and because of that he couldn't go
on. That's why he kept asking me to let him go in the dreams, 'cause he
knew that if I kept holding on he wouldn't be able to find the way to
wherever it is we're gonna go—not unless someone else came to show him.
And there was only one way that could happen.
But we couldn't let him go, and that's how he got stuck here. That's why
he was afraid; he was alone in the world he was supposed to have left, and
the only way he could even communicate was through dreams. I think even
that was hard for him. And that's why he was always so sad when we saw
him. We didn't let him go, and he was scared and alone…but he also knew
what would have to happen in order for him to be able to go on. That's why
he always looked sad—he didn't want us to have to do the same as he had…
There's really no reason for him to be sad, though. I only wish we'd
figured it out sooner.
There he is now, standing at the door. It's alright. I know you didn't
want this to have to happen, Ryoga, but it's alright. It's what I want,
and it's what Ukyo wants, too.
He doesn't look so sad now. I smile at him, really smile, the way I just
remembered how to a little while ago. He knows I'm sure.
He smiles back, and I know it's time.
The tanto is good and sharp. I even wrapped his bandana around my hand for
grip. I lay the photo on the floor next to me.
It won't take long.
Ryoga…I'll be with you soon… firewind@hotmail.com
~owari~

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